This REALLY sucks if you’re a vampire!
But even if you’re mortal, it blows. The sunlight streams in and you recoil in horror. You grab at the sheets and try desperately to cover up.
But the damage is done. You’re awake.
Damn them.
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Posted in 100 Terrible Things, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Terrible Things, Uncategorized
They’re everywhere these days – and it really sucks!
Movies, television, adverstising, and even books (Yes, some people still actually read!) have all been placed under the thrall of the modern-day “sensitive and wildly-romantic” vampire.
Don’t blame Anne Rice, though, her vamps were gay!
One last thing, to all you lovely women out there who are feeding this vamp-frenzy: just remember this little fact about the objects of your affection…
Image via Wikipedia
I thought today’s vampires were all brooding pretty boys with no soul, but serious issues who are just waiting for some pretty, sullen female to rescue them from an eternity of loneliness.
In other words, douchebags.
But thankfully, movie execs have come to the realization that there is actually room at the cineplex for more than one take on the fearsome bloodsucker.
This newest attempt to drain the financial vein of vampire lovers appears to be directed away from young ladies like my wife who are Twilight-obsessed and more towards action-adventure obsessed males. This semi-historical action flick from director Timur Bekmambetov and producer Tim Burton is based on the immensely popular Seth Grahame-Smith novel of the same name.
Deadline reports that Joaquin (Is he really a nutjob or isn’t he?) Phoenix is up for the role of star Benjamin Walker’s vampire mentor Henry Sturgess, the ageless bloodsucker who trains the future 16th President of the United States in the art of vampire slaying. 
Phoenix as a vampire? That part makes sense, but trying to sell him as a good vampire might be a stretch considering his public profile of late. A lot of people have forgotten just how gifted an actor Phoenix is thanks to all the hype surrounding his documentary, I’m Still Here, in which he played a crazy version of himself.
He was playing, right?
Either way, Phoenix will be have his work cut out for him if he does take on this role. For that matter, Benjamin Walker will have to really deliver the goods: Lincoln is a far cry from the hot, nubile cheerleader turned vamp killer type audiences are used to. 
#180: The Truth Behind The Rise Of “The Vampire Nation”
Let’s talk about the true origins of the vampire phenomenon, shall we?
Yes, young girls – and not so-young girls – love watching Damon, Edward, Stefan and their ilk for their polished sexuality and the fantasy element they infuse in their otherwise humdrum lives.
But there’s more going on here people… much more. Look at the vampire legend closely…
Here’s the kicker, though…
YOU NEVER AGE… NOT A DAY!
And that’s what it’s really all about, my friends. Who wouldn’t want to live forever? Sounds great on paper, right?
Some of you are skeptical, but admit it, no one wants to face the negative, inevitable aspects of the aging process.
A life of eternal youth is overflowing with the prospect of romance and adventure and so millions of squealing young girls, desperate housewives, crazy cougars, etc. are inexorably drawn to the vampire myth like rednecks to a trailer park.
Now that I’ve figured it out perhaps I can downgrade the vampire craze on my list of personal pet peeves.
Then again, maybe not. Of course. my objections would be lessened if the majority of the focus was cast in this direction…
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Posted in Humor, Life, Movies, Postaweek2012, Social Commentary, Television, Terrible Things, Uncategorized
Tagged the vampire craze, Twilight, Vampire, Vampire Diaries, vampire legend