#104: Mondays With The Kardashians!

Yes, Mondays suck no matter what… That’s a given.

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

But when I get into an elevator with a hotel guest who insists on blathering on about the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I suddenly realize that Mondays are cursed…

“Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a makeover by throwing out all the clothes from her ‘ghetto’ closet.” The best part? This statement came from the white bread mouth of the most homogenized twelve-year-old girl I’ve ever seen…

Her long-suffering parents just rolled their eyes as their progeny continued.

Kim was like “Kanye has definitely inspired me to wanna, like, be a little bit more of an individual. Life is about “evolving and changing.” she gushed, “And then Khloe freaked out that Kim was donating her clothes. And then Oprah interviewed everyone.”

The little girl then exploded from sensory overload. Okay, not really, but I can dream, right?

“Oprah interviewed the Kardashians? I liked her better when she was white.” was Dad’s response to all the drama. A classic Dad response, right?

As for this dad, I wanted to enlighten the little girl – by shaking her until her head popped off – but I’m hamstrung by professional ethics. And the law, of course. Her parents faces told the story: they gave up on setting their little darling straight long ago. She was another Kardashian zombie and nothing would change that.

I also wanted to charge her parents for my time. NO ONE should have to start their Monday with the Kardashians. NO ONE….

AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!

Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!

More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!

AND FINALLY….

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Keeping Up With the Kardashians Recap: It’s Oprah! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Kanye West Makes Kim Kardashian Throw Out All Her Clothes (VIDEO) (gossipcop.com)

#111: The Most Terrible Invention in Human History…

Here is my pick…

Did I mention I’m a bellman? It was a dark day when they added wheels to suitcases, but now they want you to strap your rugrat to your luggage as well?

Do you know why this is a bad idea?

• You can’t see the actual child. What if they choke?
• Most suitcases are heavy enough on their own… Never mind fifty extra pounds of booger eater!
• People drop their suitcases all the time! Think about it…

Yes, this was a terribly self-indulgent post, but I figure I’m entitled…

SPEAKING OF SELF-INDULGENCE…

#118: Summer!

You read that right.

Let’s talk about the not-so-nice features of “sum-sum-summertime”.

• Breathing problems. If you’re in ill-health or ancient.. I mean, a senior, then the dog days of summer are not your friend. 
• Humidity. Swamp-ass, anyone?
• Loud neighbors who sit on their front porch and yak ’til 3 A.M.
• If you can’t afford central air, you’re pretty much cooked. Literally!
• Loud neighbors who sit in their backyard and party ’til 3 A.M.
• The kids are home – every… single…day!
• Your wife is so tired from watching the kids refuses to do that thing with her tongue… You fellas know what I’m talking about, right?

I could go on, but you get the idea. Summer rocks, but like every season, it has its drawbacks. I know some guys who dread the inevitable “family vacation” and all the terror that goes along with it.

But that’s another post.

Until then, stay cool okay?

AVAILABLE NOW!!

On Amazon, that is.  The Kindle version is coming… I promise!

A Not-So-Terrible Thing: The Bellman Chronicles Is “Live”.

OCTOBER 22, 2010:

After much consideration and with tremendous trepidation, The Hook launches his first blog, You’ve Been Hooked!,  and joins the ranks of the WordPress community. A second blog (this one!) , soon follows.

My life would never be the same. Seriously.

JUNE 28, 2012:

After even more work – and more than a few hiccups along the way – The Hook decides to expand his horizons and publish his first book, The Bellman Chronicles. With the help of his friends, family, and the geniuses at CreateSpace – not to mention a little luck – that book has finally been completed.

A dream has become reality.

Here’s a quick description of my literary “masterpiece:

I know what you’re thinking, “What is this? Does it have any hunky, brooding vampires?”

• Let’s be clear, this book does NOT contain…
• Beautiful members of the Undead searching for a nice light snack/true love.
• Teenage wizards battling adversaries so fearsome they must not be named.
• Children battling to the death in a televised spectacle.
• Virginal college students with soap opera names who shed their purity after meeting emotionally crippled, perverted businessmen – who happen to have billions.

The Bellman Chronicles is a collection of tales featuring…

TERRIBLE PEOPLE:

Douchebags who think Grandma’s wheelchair is a suitable substitute for a luggage cart.
Crazy cougars who think the term “full-service hotel” means the security officer will sleep with you – while your husband watches.
Guests who bring animals with them: a deer strapped to their RV – which they park next to the kitchen entrance of the hotel’s restaurant.

TERRIBLE THINGS:

Getting caught daydreaming while your spouse “shares her feelings.”
Spilling your morning coffee.
Hairless cats.

So if you think your life sucks, take some of that money you were going to spend on Red Bull and smokes and read about someone who is REALLY suffering, namely yours truly.

You can call me The Hook.

Now, at last, you can visit my CreateSpace  e-store and order The Bellman Chronicles. If you are so inclined, the Amazon.com version, Kindle edition and other channels will be open within 5 to 7 days.

Again, thank you to everyone who helped make this dream a reality. Now the real battle begins, convincing millions of readers to put down their copies of Twilight, The Hunger Games and Fifty Shades of Grey and give my “work” a chance!

Related articles

• The Hook Presents… The Bellman Chronicles! (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)
• #135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur… (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)

#135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur…

As a bellman you see – and hear – some of life’s more interesting moments…

Especially when you’re working the midnight shift and the newspapers arrive. Then the work begins.. And sometimes, if you’re truly lucky, the fun.

• Up and down the floors with a cart loaded to the top with papers.
• Up and down the halls with armfuls of said papers.
• Up and down as you lean over and drop paper after paper…

Until…. You hear it… That unmistakeable sound of the Beast With Two Backs. Yes, when you’re a bellman you will most definitely hear people having sex. And not just, quiet, pedestrian sex.

No, usually travelers are so caught up int heir new surroundings – and occasionally, the thrill of an illicit hook-up – that they REALLY cut loose. Seriously, some of these folks sound like they’re going to kill each other. But in a great way, of course!

And you know what’s horrible about that?

You don’t want to listen, (not really?) but you can’t help yourself! And the really horrible thing about that is that moment when you realize you should be having sex instead of listening to it through a door for $11 an hour!

Now that’s truly terrible…

Related articles

• Voyeurism (allaboutcounseling.com)