Thirteen Terrible Things to Look Forward to in 2013.

I’m back, folks! On a semi-regular basis, that is. Enjoy.

You know my philosophy, folks, embrace the terrible.

Here are some catastrophes I look forward to in the next twelve months:

1) More Kim Kardashian/Kanye West hijinks. Somehow I doubt that reproducing is going to inspire the First Couple of Drama to evolve in any way.

2) LiLo’s inevitable fate. Lindsay is either going to wind up on her back doing porn or on her back in the morgue. Sad but true. One course correction could change everything, but what are the odds she’s willing to take the high road and be that Golden Girl of Hollywood people were predicting she would be a few years ago?

3) The bacon shortage. I pray this one is empty hyperbole, but experts are still claiming we can expect a shortage and a major bump in price for a breakfast staple that has seen a major surge in popularity in the past year.

4) People that think saying “Thank you” is a sufficient substitute for an actual gratuity. I hate these people. Yes, some of them mean well, but they suck, plain and simple.

5) More Honey Boo Boo. If you haven’t seen this televised spectacle that qualifies as child abuse in my book, KEEP IT THAT WAY! Trust me, you’ll want to gouge your eyes out with a spork…

6) The next wave of reality show madness. What’s next? Real Bellmen of Niagara Falls? Hey, wait a minute…

7) The ongoing showdown between the NRA and the rest of the United States of America. I’m not politically-minded, but even I know this issue boils down to one simple fact: there are too many military-issue guns in America and innocents are paying the price. Period.

8) The next hit from Psy. You know its coming. Even if it doesn’t generate the numbers of his last one – I refuse to type those words this year – you know the initial surge will be strong.

9) More Bieber spin-offs. We’ve had the cologne, bedding, etc. What’s next? Bieber brand condoms? Like the ones his mom should have used, maybe?

10) Overblown media coverage of… well, any major event, really. I love the media, I really do. But networks like CNN have a knack for transforming a bee sting into “The Killer Swarm of 2013!” We need to demand competent coverage of valid events, people. Enough with the hysteria!

11) My daughter’s continued evolution. My little girl is growing up. It sucks. Hey, my blog, my rules.

12) More rejection letters/e-mails from publishers and agents. Oh wait a minute, this one is Hook-specific….

13) All the mistakes we’re going to make this year. And yes, there will be millions of them.

Happy 2013! (Photo credit: Roel)

 

CHECK THIS OUT, FOLKS!

Jessica Stilwell started out as the face of fed-up and put-upon mothers everywhere – you can read an abridged version of her story here – but she’s come a long way, baby! You get bonus points if you got that reference, by the way.

At any rate, check out her blog, Crazy Working Mom: Diary of a mother on the brink of snapping!

Jessica is discovering her “writing voice”, one that extends beyond the scope of her first adventure. Personally, I’m enjoying watching her metamorphosis. I think you will too.

 

 

 

#122: When The Circus Comes To Town…

THE SCENE:

My kitchen: Friday, June 15, 9:07 P.M.

The family is gathered in the kitchen – as per usual – each occupied with their own activities:

• Sarah is eating and working on her own literary masterpiece, The Misadventures of Misery.
• VampireLover is preparing evening snacks
• I’m… Well, you know.

But one thing has attracted drawn us together: television coverage of the circus that has overtaken our humble city… And street. Seriously, cars have lined our street and every nook and cranny in-between. Over 100,000 people have descended upon Niagara Falls to watch a man overcome a number of obstacles that would only have occurred in my little home. I’ll get to those in a minute.

For now, here’s the skinny: if all goes as planned Nik Wallenda will make history during a walk scheduled for 10:20 p.m. ET, as he crosses from the American side to the Canadian side of the falls on a 500-metre wire suspended 60 metres above one of God’s most awesome creations.

Next to my wife, that is.

At any rate, here’s a very brief breakdown of a few of the pitfalls Wallenda has already overcome:

• BUREAUCRACY: The Niagara Parks Commission, (the local government Gestapo) fought hard for years to block this event. By the way, the Commission has been mired in one corruption scandal after another for years, but they’ve always blocked “stunting” as they call it. Ironically, they’re benefiting huge in fees and tourism revenue. Go figure, right?
• IDIOCY: The same government goons who stuck to their guns for years, but now they’re singing Wallenda’s praises.
• NATURE: The power of the falls themselves, and believe it or not, peregrine falcons who may still attack Wallenda as he crosses. Seriously.
• FINANCIAL HARDSHIP: As of a few days ago, Wallenda was $500, 000 short of his estimated 1.3 million-dollar budget to cover this entire operation. Of course, its still going ahead, one way or another.
• GREED: Many have made plans to benefit from Wallenda’s achievement, but few have come forward to help fill his pockets.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the idea, I’m sure. Its 9:39 P.M and I have to sign-off; its been a looong day.

Regardless of what happens, Nik Wallenda has already earned himself a spot in history. know I’ll never forget all the hoopla he brought with him…

Related articles

• Tonight: Niagara Falls Tightrope Walk (newser.com)
• Nik Wallenda Is Set to Cross Niagara Falls Friday (nytimes.com)

#91: Feeling Out of Your Depth.

For the first time in its storied history, the United States of America is in danger of defaulting on its debts.

I know what you’re thinking, “Just what the hell does this mean?”

Don’t feel bad, most of us have no idea just what’s going on in the world… ever.

The Rupert Murdoch phone-hacking scandal? When do you have the time to figure out just why an entire army of journalists are wreaking havoc with people’s lives?

Image via Wikipedia

 

The truth is, sometimes you’re better off not knowing just what the  hell is going on.

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

 

Toronto’s Mayor Dives On A Political Hand Grenade!

Image via Wikipedia

It’s amazing what some people are willing to  sacrifice just to be able to throw back a few beers by the lake.

Newly elected Toronto mayor Rob Ford could use some political protection from his American cousins right about now.

The mayor, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to skip this year’s Pride Parade in order to maintain a family tradition of partying it up in Cottage Country.

Naturally this has moved him to the top of the hit list of many, if not all,  gay rights activists in Toronto. Since he took office, the outspoken mayor of the Canadian megacity has refused every olive branch extended his way by the gay community.

This Jack Frost routine of freezing out an entire segment of the population could be considered political suicide for a mayor who is still getting his feet wet in a melting pot community. Prior to the 1990s, Toronto’s mayors have always spurned the Pride Parade, despite the racist overtones of such action.

But the world has changed and the parade is now an event of choice for many sponsors hoping to grab some of the millions in tourist revenue the event brings in annually. And this mainstream acceptance has brought out the politicians.

Tolerance can reap monetary and political benefits, under the right circumstances.

It’s too bad Mayor Ford refuses to accept this.

Pride Week is a 10-day festival that kicks off Thursday.

The mayor said he still may attend other Pride-related events, but first has to “check his schedule”.

As it stands, Rob Ford could use this American political item…

Related articles

• Toronto Mayor Shuns Pride and The Gay Community (therainbowpost.com)
• Toronto mayor to skip Pride (macleans.ca)
• Toronto Mayor Rob Ford to skip pride parade to go to family cottage (theglobeandmail.com)
• Ford’s family defends decision to skip Pride Parade (cbc.ca)

A “Super-misstep”! Superman Is NOT A Political Weapon!

Image via Wikipedia

The so-called “Death of Superman” a few years ago was a complete joke (He was back by the end of the summer. What a shock!) and now the Man of Steel is a punchline once again.

This time the joke is “How do you set off a political firestorm from a non-issue?”

The answer, of course, is to have the symbol of “Truth, Justice and the American Way” renounce his U.S citizenship and became fodder for every political pundit with an axe to grind.

And brother, that’s all of them.

In a back-up story in Action Comics #900, Superman is scolded by a member of the president’s security staff for appearing at a protest in Iran, suggesting Superman’s actions reflect the positions of US government as a whole. As a result, Superman chooses to renounce his US citizenship, rather than become a  symbol for a particular party.

In a Fox News article on Superman’s proclamation, “GOP activist” Angie Meyer is quoted saying, “Besides being riddled with a blatant lack of patriotism, and respect for our country, Superman’s current creators are belittling the United States as a whole. By denouncing his citizenship, Superman becomes an eerie metaphor for the current economic and power status the country holds worldwide.”

 The same piece quotes Wired‘s Scott Thill, saying, “Superman has always been bigger than the United States. In an age rife with immigration paranoia, it’s refreshing to see an alien refugee tell the United States that it’s as important to him as any other country on Earth — which, in turn, is as important to Superman as any other planet in the multiverse.”

What everyone seems to forget is..SUPERMAN ISN’T REAL!

Sure, his fictional activities affect real people on an emotional level, but he was never intended to become a symbol of the U.S government. He was created by two Canucks for God’s sake!

Sure, one of them was half-American, but the point is, Superman can fly anywhere, but he was never meant to fly into the political arena.

 Related Articles

• Superman Renounces His U.S. Citizenship (dwainwellington.wordpress.com)

Terrible Toys!

In her heyday, the Barbie doll was been considered controversial and threatened to upset the Apple Cart of society. A female who wanted to be a doctor or a (gasp!) astronaut? Then who would be barefoot and pregnant in the household?

Society, and the dolls it expects little girls to play with, have changed.

Meet The Breast Milk Baby Doll manufactured by Berjuan Toys and available in Europe for the past two years, which actually explains quite a bit if you think about it. The Breast Milk Baby Doll comes with a special halter top with two flowers positioned where nipples would be. When the mouth of the doll is brought close to a sensor embedded in the flower, the baby motions and makes suckling sounds.

The only thing missing is the acessory pack with a carton of smokes, Red Bull, and season one of MTV’s Teen Mom!

This little  gem will be flying off store shelves in the United States in just a few weeks.

Or maybe not.

Do you find this disturbing? You should!

Related Articles

• Doll that mimics breastfeeding stirring controversy (ctv.ca)
• Do Breast-Feeding Dolls Cross The Line? (abcnews.go.com)
• “Little Girls Need to Learn to Breastfeed” According to Berjuan Toys (prweb.com)
• Which is creepier? Parent Doll or Breast Milk Baby? (timesunion.com)