Ten Terrible Things About… Valentine’s Day.

1)  The aftereffects of chocolate. You spend $50 and in two months you hear “Your Valentine’s gift made me fat, you idiot!

2)  The fight to find something other than chocolates to give your best gal. Good luck, you poor bastard.

3)  The quest to find a best gal. Thank God I’ve already duped a woman into marrying me.

4)  The sickening jewellery commercials. “Spend three months salary on our latest glittery piece of crap or she’ll leave you – for your sister.”

5)  Finding time to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Work. Shopping. Hockey practice. Recitals. Exhaustion.

6)  Booking a restaurant that isn’t booked full of romantic suckers like you who were smart enough to make the reservation months ago. This one speaks for itself, I think.

7)  Two words: erectile dysfunction. If it’s ever going to happen, this is the time. After all, Irony is a heartless bitch.

8)  Reading countless Valentine’s Day posts that bloggers feel obliged to write. It’s a drag, I know…

9)  Gifts that haunt you – forever. Two years ago, I bought the wife a Twilight Valentine’s Day card that spits out sound bites from Edward and Jacob when opened. She loved it. She opens it before bed. Every. Single. Night.

10)  I’ve got nothin’. I’m going to find a bunker and wait Valentine’s Day out. Pray for me…

Related articles

• Why Valentine’s Day Is No Excuse to Be Bitter (poutperfection.com)
• How Much Should Men Shell Out On Valentine’s Day? (q104.cbslocal.com)

A Not-so-Terrible Thing: THE BELLMAN CHRONICLES IS FREE FOR 2 DAYS!

The cyber-flood gates have opened and now (“now” meaning 12:01 a.m. Sept. 10 – 12:00 a.m September 11) my “love letter” to the Niagara Falls hospitality industry is free (September 10 – 11, to be clear) to anyone with the means to download it.

Even the douchebags.

In fact, they should download multiple copies; after all, they owe me for the last fifteen years! But right now, my gentle readers, you’re probably thinking about something else.

• The guys are thinking, “Does reading Fifty Shades of Grey automatically make me gay?”
• The girls are thinking, “Will Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson patch things up in time for the  premiere of the next Twilight film?”

But after those thoughts have run their course, you’ll all be thinking, “Why is The Hook giving his book away? Has he finally snapped after slugging one laundry basket too many for some ungrateful douche-monkey?” While I will no doubt eventually snap, that day hasn’t arrived yet. The truth is this:

You can actually make money by giving stuff away.

• Every single download – whether the reader has paid for it or not – counts as a sale on Amazon and raises the author’s ranking, thus propelling him or her higher up the Amazonian food chain.
• If an author is truly blessed, those readers who have taken advantage of his giveaway will submit a review; you need review to draw the attention of certain book reviewing websites.
• When all is said and done, an author can only pray his giveaway will draw attention that will last long after the promotion ends and which will result in actual sales down the road.

And believe me folks, this is a long road that I’m traveling. I’ll keep slugging away long after my giveaway ends and hopefully in the end, I’ll actually sell more than twenty copies of The Bellman Chronicles.

CLICK HERE TO “PURCHASE”!

MY THIRD MEDIA PLUG!

My new best friends at NIAGARAHUB - Niagara’s Information Source were generous enough to run a feature on The Bellman Chronicles on September 5. Check it out here..

BACK TO BUSINESS…

Here is a brief list of some of the stranger things I’ve hauled around the hotel on my bell cart. What can I say? I was feeling nostalgic…

• A sleeping six-year-old. It was 5 a.m. and his parents didn’t want to wake the little rugrat as they were checking out. its all about the service, people…
• A pair of antlers. Hunters, right?
• Two drunken bridesmaids who wanted to make a”bitchin’ entrance” when they were introduced at the reception. Chicks, right?
• A goldfish and a canary. But not on the same cart; that would be nuts, right?
• Various forms of “erotic baked goods”, blow-up dolls and sex toys. I’ve transported so many penis cakes that it has become second nature. I need help, don’t I?

AND FINALLY….

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

And now… My first Blog Hop!

Starting 9/1 through 9/15, Romance at Random, & the participating sites below, are hosting a blog hop with FREE books! Enter your name into the Rafflecopter & you could be chosen to win:

• A Free Romance book! (10 winners in all)
• Be one of 5 winners to win a prize pack from author Elisabeth Barrett (check out her new release, BLAZE OF WINTER, below)
• Grand Prize is a $25 eGC

Happy Hopping!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

1.	Romance At Random	2.	Ruthie Knox
3.	Guilty Pleasures Book Reviews	4.	Reading Reality
5.	Storm Goddess Book Reviews	6.	Manga Maniac Cafe
7.	Full Moon Bites	8.	Reading with Holly
9.	Bookie’s Book Reviews	10.	All Things Books
11.	Good Choice Reading	12.	The Write to Make a Living
13.	The Book Diva	14.	Bea’s Book Nook
15.	Shawntelle Madison	16.	Elisabeth Barrett
17.	Socrates’ Book Review Blog	18.	Shelley Munro
19.	Insane Hussein Reviews	20.	Books R Us
21.	Jessica Scott	22.	Book Flame
23.	Manic Readers Guest Blog	24.	My Book Addiction and More
25.	SOS Aloha	26.	Pump Up Your Book
27.	Sharon Cullen	28.	Under the Covers Book Blog
29.	The Book Tart	30.	Reviews by Molly
31.	Laurie’s Thoughts & Reviews	32.	Seductive Musings
33.	Romance Junkies	34.	Love To Read For Fun
35.	Cassandra Carr	36.	BookHounds
37.	Otterwise	38.	From the TBR Pile
39.	Love Saves the World (INT)	40.	Sharon Cullen
41.	So You Think You Can Write	42.	Babbles From Scott Eagan
43.	Bronwyn’s Writing	44.	TE Garden of Book Bloggers
45.	Bookshelf Confessions	46.	Review From Here
47.	Celticlady’s Reviews	48.	Labor Day Hop
49.	Romantic Reads and Such	50.	In Love with Romance
51.	The Bookpushers	52.	Reviewing Romance
53.	Queen of The Night Reviews	54.	Queen of All she Reads
55.	Romantic Crush Junkie Reviews	56.	Saucy & Sinful Reviews
57.	Romancing the Book	58.	Book Faery
59.	Harlies Books	60.	Love, Laughter, Friendship
61.	Ramblings From This Chick	62.	My Secret Romance
63.	Rambling Reads	64.	Delighted Readers
65.	suzy henderson	66.	Romancing Rakes For The Love of Romance
67.	Blackraven’s Erotic Cafe	68.	HEA Romances With a Little Kick
69.	AJ’s Reading Nook	70.	Blackraven’s Reviews
71.	The Readers Roundtable	72.	Dark Divas Reviews
73.	T B R	74.	Romance Book Club
75.	Seaside Book Nook	76.	Cheeky Reads
77.	Mimmi’s Musings	78.	Kindle Fever
79.	Not Now…Mommy’s Reading	80.	herding cats & burning soup
81.	Kindles and Wine	82.	Harlequin Junkie
83.	Caribbean Accent Book Reviews	84.	Sara Jane’s Eclectic Reading Blog
85.	Sharon Hamilton Author	86.	Coffey Brown Books
87.	From the Bootheel Cotton Patch	88.	Teena in Toronto
89.	Me and Reading	90.	The Romance Dish
91.	All Things Books	92.	Amber Kallyn
93.	Book Review Diva	94.	Leigh Ellwood
95.	Me Want Food	96.	Captain marketing
97.	One Word At A Time, Joan Swan, Author	98.	You’ve Been Hooked
99.	The Things You Can Read	100.	The Autumn Review
101.	Day Drmzzz	102.	Confessions From Romaholics
103.	The Book of Terrible

#113: The Agony of Twilight Fans…

You knew I couldn’t let this one pass, didn’t you?

For the uninitiated among you: my wife loves Twilight and all things vampire. Period. Her passion/obsession has become my personal “#1 terrible thing”.

But enough about me. Let’s get to the millions of “Twihards” who are rolling around in agony over the news of  Kristen Stewart’s slutty behavior with Snow White and The Huntsman(I still say that title sounds like a porno film!) director Rupert Sanders. Yes, I realize she’s young and stupid, but since I have to sit through all her films, I’m not cutting her any slack!

Us Weekly has released a round of pics under the following headline:

Kristen Cheats on Rob With Rupert Sanders: All the Shocking Pics!

Now, let’s get to the truly “terrible” portion of this installment, shall we? This is what you can expect from these so-called “SHOCKING” pics….

Here’s the first…

Hot enough for ya? But wait! They get… milder?

It is interesting to me that Stewart is wearing a “cheater’s special” (sweat pants and a loose top, both of which can be pulled off and on quickly) but her beau isn’t so smart! Anyways, here is the only one that even comes close to actually being mildly shocking…

I guess you can always imagine he’s heading south to visit that place that only Edward has dared venture so far….

To be honest, these pics pretty much suck; we can only hope this is just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, don’t Twilight fans deserve a decent scandal, complete with truly shocking pics? The rest of us have the antics of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fall back on….

 

Come on, Us Weekly, these folks have given so much….

Related articles

• Kristen Stewart ‘did not have sex with director Rupert Sanders (standard.co.uk)
• Robert Pattinson’s Stress Runs High in Anticipation of Kristen Stewart Reunion (celebs.gather.com)
• Watch: Twilight fans react to Kristen Stewart affair bombshell – Ninemsn (celebrities.ninemsn.com.au)

A Not-So-Terrible Thing: The Bellman Chronicles Is “Live”.

OCTOBER 22, 2010:

After much consideration and with tremendous trepidation, The Hook launches his first blog, You’ve Been Hooked!,  and joins the ranks of the WordPress community. A second blog (this one!) , soon follows.

My life would never be the same. Seriously.

JUNE 28, 2012:

After even more work – and more than a few hiccups along the way – The Hook decides to expand his horizons and publish his first book, The Bellman Chronicles. With the help of his friends, family, and the geniuses at CreateSpace – not to mention a little luck – that book has finally been completed.

A dream has become reality.

Here’s a quick description of my literary “masterpiece:

I know what you’re thinking, “What is this? Does it have any hunky, brooding vampires?”

• Let’s be clear, this book does NOT contain…
• Beautiful members of the Undead searching for a nice light snack/true love.
• Teenage wizards battling adversaries so fearsome they must not be named.
• Children battling to the death in a televised spectacle.
• Virginal college students with soap opera names who shed their purity after meeting emotionally crippled, perverted businessmen – who happen to have billions.

The Bellman Chronicles is a collection of tales featuring…

TERRIBLE PEOPLE:

Douchebags who think Grandma’s wheelchair is a suitable substitute for a luggage cart.
Crazy cougars who think the term “full-service hotel” means the security officer will sleep with you – while your husband watches.
Guests who bring animals with them: a deer strapped to their RV – which they park next to the kitchen entrance of the hotel’s restaurant.

TERRIBLE THINGS:

Getting caught daydreaming while your spouse “shares her feelings.”
Spilling your morning coffee.
Hairless cats.

So if you think your life sucks, take some of that money you were going to spend on Red Bull and smokes and read about someone who is REALLY suffering, namely yours truly.

You can call me The Hook.

Now, at last, you can visit my CreateSpace  e-store and order The Bellman Chronicles. If you are so inclined, the Amazon.com version, Kindle edition and other channels will be open within 5 to 7 days.

Again, thank you to everyone who helped make this dream a reality. Now the real battle begins, convincing millions of readers to put down their copies of Twilight, The Hunger Games and Fifty Shades of Grey and give my “work” a chance!

Related articles

• The Hook Presents… The Bellman Chronicles! (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)
• #135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur… (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)

#180: The Truth Behind The Rise Of “The Vampire Nation”

 Long-time readers know how I feel about the vampire craze but bear with me, this isn’t the usual “Vampires Suck” post I revel in.

Let’s talk about the true origins of the vampire phenomenon, shall we?

Yes, young girls – and not so-young girls – love watching Damon, Edward, Stefan and their ilk for their polished sexuality and the fantasy element they infuse in their otherwise humdrum lives.

But there’s more going on here people… much more. Look at the vampire legend closely…

• You become incredibly strong and agile.
• A keen sense of fashion seems to come naturally to you.
• As does good hair.
• The art of the “sullen, soulful look” becomes second nature.
• You brood – A LOT.
• You have to drain the life from the living, but that doesn’t seem to register in the brains of these awestruck vamp fans.

 Here’s the kicker, though…

YOU NEVER AGE… NOT A DAY!

 And that’s what it’s really all about, my friends. Who wouldn’t want to live forever? Sounds great on paper, right?

Some of you are skeptical, but admit it, no one wants to face the negative, inevitable aspects of the aging process.

A life of eternal youth is overflowing with the prospect of romance and adventure and so millions of squealing young girls, desperate housewives, crazy cougars, etc. are inexorably drawn to the vampire myth like rednecks to a trailer park.

Now that I’ve figured it out perhaps I can downgrade the vampire craze on my list of personal pet peeves.

Then again, maybe not. Of course. my objections would be lessened if the majority of the focus was cast in this direction…

The Whole Vampire Craze Bites!

They’re everywhere these days – and it really sucks!

Movies, television, adverstising, and even books (Yes, some people still actually read!) have all been placed under the thrall of the modern-day “sensitive and wildly-romantic” vampire.  

Don’t blame Anne Rice, though, her vamps were gay!

One last thing, to all you lovely women out there who are feeding this vamp-frenzy: just remember this little fact about the objects of your affection…

 

YOU’RE THEIR FOOD, YOU CRAZY CHICKS!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter! Seriously?

Image via Wikipedia

I thought today’s vampires were all brooding pretty boys with no soul, but serious issues who are just waiting for some pretty, sullen female to rescue them from an eternity of loneliness.

In other words, douchebags.

But thankfully, movie execs have come to the realization that there is actually room at the cineplex for more than one take on the fearsome bloodsucker. 

This newest attempt to drain the financial vein of vampire lovers appears to be directed away from young ladies like my wife who are Twilight-obsessed and more towards action-adventure obsessed males. This semi-historical action flick from director Timur Bekmambetov and producer Tim Burton is based on the immensely popular Seth Grahame-Smith novel of the same name.

Deadline reports that Joaquin (Is he really a nutjob or isn’t he?) Phoenix is up for the role of star Benjamin Walker’s vampire mentor Henry Sturgess, the ageless bloodsucker who trains the future 16th President of the United States in the art of vampire slaying.

Phoenix as a vampire? That part makes sense, but trying to sell him as a good vampire might be a stretch considering his public profile of late. A lot of people have forgotten just how gifted an actor Phoenix is thanks to all the hype surrounding his documentary, I’m Still Here, in which he played a crazy version of himself.       

He was playing, right?

Either way, Phoenix will be have his work cut out for him if he does take on this role. For that matter, Benjamin Walker will have to really deliver the goods: Lincoln is a far cry from the hot, nubile cheerleader turned vamp killer type  audiences are used to. 

Related Articles

• Joaquin Phoenix Interested in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (screenrant.com)
• Benjamin Walker is Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (screenrant.com)
• Joaquin Phoenix May Start His Comeback In Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (cinemablend.com)

Terrible News For The Twilight Cast! The Razzies Have You In Their Sights!

Image via Wikipedia

As regular readers of my blogs know by now, The Hook is not a big fan of modern-day vampires. I don’t mind a good tale of a bloodthirsty monster facing off against a heroic protagonist, but these whiny, emotional douchebags they pass off for vampires these days can really piss me off at times.

Of course, the wife can’t get enough of them.

So when the Razzie nominees were announced this week, I had to write a post spotlighting the lead contender in the Anti-Oscars’ nominations list.

Here is a partial list, focussing primarily on the fanged nominees for space considerations..and just because I want to.        

Worst Picture:
The Last Airbender
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Vampires Suck

Worst Actor:
Taylor Lautner – The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Valentine’s Day
Robert Pattinson – Remember Me and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Actress:
Miley Cyrus – The Last Song
Megan Fox – Jonah Hex
Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Supporting Actor:
Billy Ray Cyrus – The Spy Next Door
Jackson Rathbone – The Last Airbender and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Screen Couple / Worst Screen Ensemble
Josh Brolin’s Face & Megan Fox’s Accent – Jonah Hex
The Entire Cast of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Director:
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer – Vampires Suck
David Slade – The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Sylvester Stallone – The Expendables

Worst Screenplay:
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer
Vampires Suck – Written by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel:
The Last Airbender
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Vampires Suck

It should be noted that Avatar: The Last Airbender tied Twilight for number of noms, but I don’t have anything against that franchise .

After 30 years of taking shots at the worst Hollywood has to offer, the Razzie Awards may be televised on the eve of this years Oscar telecast February 26, though I doubt any vamps will show up.

Related Articles

• 2010 Razzie Nominations Announced (slashfilm.com)
• Twilight Eclipse leads 2011 Razzie nominations (newslite.tv)
• The Last Airbender, Twilight: Eclipse Nominated for Razzie Awards (shoppingblog.com)

Celebrity Debit Cards for Kids?

It’s bad enough celebrities are everywhere you look these days, now they’ve made their way into the world of high finance? Management at certain financial institutions have seen fit to sign deals with celebrities and entertainment companies to use their likenesses on pre-paid debit cards.

Under pressure no doubt, from their teenage daughters . Do you know who else would want a card featuring the Kardashian sisters or the Twilight cast?

And that’s the real problem here folks, banks are targeting kids, and parents are letting them.

These cards are supposed to be an alternative for parents who don’t want to simply hand their kids cash. According to the financial institutions, the beauty of the card is this - mom and dad can trace the card’s use and teach their kids financial responsibility.

But remember, banks are run by the same financial wizards who nearly sank the economy not too long ago.

Now they’re parental experts?

It should be noted that the Kardashian card went down faster than an actual Kardashian sister – but the die has been cast.

Complaints of high service fees sank the Kardashian card, but the Twilight version remains and will no doubt be joined by others.

Why don’t we let kids be kids a little while longer. At this rate, they’ll be like their older teenage counterparts – spending money they don’t have at Coach or Lululemon for purses and tight pants that make them look like two dollar hookers.

If you want to teach your kid the value of a dollar, then post a list of chores and hand them an allowance only after they’ve polished off the list. Then take them shopping. You’ll bond with the rugrats and you can see just what they’re buying.

 

What’s the target audience supposed to buy with this – Silly Bandz?

Related Articles

• Kardashians Drop Debit Card Endorsement After Illegal Fees Claim (jsyk.com)
• Kardashian debit card cancelled after criticism (omg.yahoo.com)

The Eclipse has occurred…on DVD (The Terror!)

In the last few years we’ve been warned of the rise of a fanatical group dedicated to the destruction of  all the values and beliefs we hold dear. The world’s governments call these individuals terrorists and they’ve taken measures to protect people from them.Personally, I’m not concerned about my lifestyle being threatened by terrorists.

It’s vampires that worry The Hook.

They’re everywhere. Television (Vampire Diaries), books (dozens, with titles like Thirst andVampire Kisses!) ad campaigns, and of course movies and DVD. The latest attack? The Twilight Saga – Eclipse perched on retail shelves everywhere, just waiting to strike.

I understand the appeal of beautiful people to females of all ages; I say “all ages” because the vampire craze crosses generations (both my wife and

Never mind Osama, I want Homeland Security to watch out for this guy!

 daughter have been” bitten” by this craze).

 Popular culture has had plenty of teen idols and sex symbols but they’ve always been human!

Somewhere along the way women have forgotten one tiny little detail about the objects of their affection and lust..

They’re inhuman creatures who only survive by draining the blood from mortals – they don’t want to love you, they want to consume you!

Perhaps I’m being just a little paranoid, but I don’t like the idea of competing with guys who don’t age, get sick or even have to shave! There are posters and signed autographs throughout my house and tonight I’m going to have watch the latest chapter in the Twilight saga. What’s up with that, anyway? It’s not a series, it’s a saga?

I wonder if there’s a tip line for inhuman threats to democracy?

  

I can just imagine the pitch to tv execs, “Think Dawson’s Creek, but with fangs!”