Ten Signs You May Have Picked The Wrong Hotel.

As a bellman, I’ve been fortunate enough to have worked at two reputable, well-run establishments.

But let me tell you, some places are a nightmare on toast. Summer will soon be here, and so here are some things to look for when checking in at your next home-away-from-home.

1)  There is a cemetery in the back of the parking lot.

2)  The front desk clerk asks you to check your gun.  If you say you don’t have one, he says “Would you like to rent one?”

3)  The brochure says “Exorcism Free for Three Months!”

4)  Your valet driver is Lindsay Lohan.

5)  Housekeepers walk around in Hazmat suits.

6)  At check-in they advise you off the “Dead Hooker Removal” surtax.

7)  The bathroom door has a coin slot lock.

8)  In-room movies consist of a pair of crazy homeless guys acting out scenes from 1980s teen movies.  (If you look closely, you’ll see the crazy homeless guys actually are 1980s teen actors)

9)  You have to cook your own food in the restaurant and Gordon Ramsay stands around and calls you a “stupid donkey!” the whole time.

10)  Your bellman is The Hook.

Ten Terrible Things About… Traveling

Let’s face it, traveling can be a right pain in the ass. Funny thing for a bellman to say, right?

Nevertheless, here are a mere ten reasons why venturing out into the world is sometimes a very bad idea…

1) Crazy cougars. Forty-something females who have pledged allegiance to the First Church of Fifty Shades like to roam in packs and believe me, they’re not exactly wallflowers. I’ve seen parents grab their children and hold them close, fearful of just what might happen to Little Emily’s fragile psyche after exposure to a group of hyperactive, under-sexed cougars circling a male hotel staff member….

2) Lines. That. Just. Don’t End. Waiting sucks. Whether you’re in line at the airport, a car rental agency and especially a hotel front desk, your nerves are going to fray eventually. But God help you if you leave that line; you’ll just have to rejoin it sooner or later, and if you wait too long, you’ll wind up stranded, driving a beater or sleeping in the worst room in the hotel…

3) “Are we there yet?” Apparently that never gets old.

4) Gas station restrooms. Apparently they never get cleaned. Ever. I keep expecting to see guys in Hazmat descending upon Chevron stations everywhere.

5) Bed bugs. I’ve been fortunate to never have encountered one of these rascals in  my fifteen years as a bellman, but they’re out there folks, ready to pounce on you like Kim Kardashian on Kanye West. And trust me, the effects are just as disastrous.

6) Hotel pillows. They just don’t feel the same, right? A word to the wise: if you feel compelled to bring your own pillow, in the name of all that is good and holy, put it in a bag! Every single day I have to handle some schmuck’s germ covered, dirty pillow and it just creeps me out! And its not healthy for them either.

7) Families that make the Lohans look well-adjusted. The average family’s collective autobiography should be titled “An Indictment of the North American Educational System.” Steer clear of these window lickers, folks..

8) Highways that make the surface of the Moon look smooth. I think if I had to do it over, I’d start a tow truck business…

9) The price of gas. You have to sell a kidney to fill your tank these days. A word to the wise: don’t sell your own kidney…

10) Leaving your home. Have you seen the world these days?  Travelers have to deal with, in no particular order:

• Cities that smell like Roman vomitoriums.
• Drivers that have graduated from the Death Race School for Motorists.
• Hotel rates that would give Trump case for concern.
• Restaurants that are more concerned with gouging you rather than feeding you. Those folks on Kitchen Nightmares aren’t alone in their approach to hygiene and culinary standards, believe me…

And finally, there’s the dreaded X-Factor. And no, I’m not referring to the American Idol rip-off hosted by that master of judging disaster, Simon Cowell. I’m referring to the seemingly-endless array of unforeseen expenses and mini-disasters that Fate sees fit to throw at us while we attempt to enjoy our time away from the rat race. Never mind that most travelers truly cannot afford to throw a few thousand dollars away on a trip to some tacky tourist trap, they really can’t afford to pay for a blown transmission or an out-of-country medical emergency.

A word to the wise: stay home!

#104: Mondays With The Kardashians!

Yes, Mondays suck no matter what… That’s a given.

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

But when I get into an elevator with a hotel guest who insists on blathering on about the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I suddenly realize that Mondays are cursed…

“Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a makeover by throwing out all the clothes from her ‘ghetto’ closet.” The best part? This statement came from the white bread mouth of the most homogenized twelve-year-old girl I’ve ever seen…

Her long-suffering parents just rolled their eyes as their progeny continued.

Kim was like “Kanye has definitely inspired me to wanna, like, be a little bit more of an individual. Life is about “evolving and changing.” she gushed, “And then Khloe freaked out that Kim was donating her clothes. And then Oprah interviewed everyone.”

The little girl then exploded from sensory overload. Okay, not really, but I can dream, right?

“Oprah interviewed the Kardashians? I liked her better when she was white.” was Dad’s response to all the drama. A classic Dad response, right?

As for this dad, I wanted to enlighten the little girl – by shaking her until her head popped off – but I’m hamstrung by professional ethics. And the law, of course. Her parents faces told the story: they gave up on setting their little darling straight long ago. She was another Kardashian zombie and nothing would change that.

I also wanted to charge her parents for my time. NO ONE should have to start their Monday with the Kardashians. NO ONE….

AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!

Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!

More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!

AND FINALLY….

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Keeping Up With the Kardashians Recap: It’s Oprah! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Kanye West Makes Kim Kardashian Throw Out All Her Clothes (VIDEO) (gossipcop.com)

#107: Marineland’s Chickens Have Come Home To Roost…

“Hey did you hear about that Marineland place? We’ve always heard it was a major league rip-off, but now they’re saying they abuse their animals, too. You live here, what do you think about this”

This was how my first call of the day started. I had no idea just what the guest in question was referring to, but I’d heard the statement before; everyone in Niagara Falls has.

English: MarineLand Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bear with me, this one is different, but I should have written it years ago. But I stayed the course and wrote about crazy travelers when I should have been a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, at least not in a language we can understand, that is. Most people will tell you they “love animals”, but how many of us have the courage to stand behind those words when it counts?

This week, in my hometown of Niagara Falls, there is only one topic of conversation that is “trending” at the grassroots level; the horrific allegations of abuse leveled against local amusement and animal exhibition park Marineland. For decades, locals like myself have heard countless stories from current and former Marineland employees concerning the horrible operating conditions at one of the city’s most popular attractions. The stories always followed the same trend:

• All of the animals have been underfed to the point of malnutrition.
• The sea creatures’ habitats and tanks haven’t been properly maintained.
• The décor and the general “feel” of the park hasn’t changed or been updated for decades. Seriously, its sad.
• Staff members feel they have been treated like something the owner found on the bottom of his shoes.

And that’s where Marineland owner John Holer, appears to have made his greatest tactical error; for decades he has treated his staff worse than the animals they care for and they have had enough. They are now speaking out and the mainstream media is finally ready to listen. In short, there is blood in the water and the sharks are circling.

And their numbers are growing by the day.

The Toronto Star was the first news outlet to turn their attention to Marineland – despite the best efforts of animal activists, no one has ever truly shone a bright enough light on Marineland to warrant the full attention of the world – but they will most certainly not be the last.

At this point it is important to stress one fact: THESE ARE UNVERIFIED ALLEGATIONS. No one has proven anything.  However, these allegations have been  floating around the city of decades and NO ONE HAS EVER CARED ENOUGH ABOUT THESE HELPLESS SEA CREATURES TO EVEN INVESTIGATE THEM SERIOUSLY.

I deal with dozens of tourists every day who tell me of their plans to visit Marineland and even though I’ve heard the “major-league rip-off” comment before – and experienced it first-hand as a dad accompanying his child on school trips – I ignored them and eagerly recommended Marineland to hundreds of guest over the years. I was just doing my job.

So why do I feel like a complete and total fool?

Related articles

• Marineland animals suffering, former staffers say (thestar.com)
• Marineland denies mistreating animals (cbc.ca)
• Animals endured suffering, former Marineland trainer says (ctvnews.ca)

#111: The Most Terrible Invention in Human History…

Here is my pick…

Did I mention I’m a bellman? It was a dark day when they added wheels to suitcases, but now they want you to strap your rugrat to your luggage as well?

Do you know why this is a bad idea?

• You can’t see the actual child. What if they choke?
• Most suitcases are heavy enough on their own… Never mind fifty extra pounds of booger eater!
• People drop their suitcases all the time! Think about it…

Yes, this was a terribly self-indulgent post, but I figure I’m entitled…

SPEAKING OF SELF-INDULGENCE…

#116: Ridiculous Advertising Claims!

Yes, in general the entire advertising world is nuts – just watch Mad Men – but I’m referring to specific claims.

“BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION!”

That was the claim I saw flash before my eyes this morning as I watched  Breakfast Television – the wife’s favorite morning show – and a commercial for the stage production of Warhorse slapped me in the cerebral cortex.

There is actually something beyond my imagination?  Really?
Is that even possible?

I mean, a World War One play centered on a boy and his horse seems simple enough to me – on its face, at least – but even if I’m wrong, just how wildly imaginative could it possibly be? Is the War Horse revealed to be Pegasus in the third act?

I may be constructing a mountain out of a molehill here, but I have a valid point, don’t I?

I’m asking a lot of question this time around, aren’t I?  At any rate, we’re constantly being bombarded with commercials that promise to change our entire life (and beyond!) through the use of magical products and events. At this point they might as well just promise us anything…

“DRINK THIS AND ACHIEVE INSTANT IMMORTALITY!”

“USE THIS DETERGENT AND YOU CLOTHES WILL BE RENDERED FIREPROOF!”

“THIS ENERGY BAR WILL NOT ONLY GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH, IT WILL MAKE YOU SEXUALLY SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER HUMAN ON THE PLANET!  NO WAIT, WE MEANT THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE!”

“LADIES, THESE CLOTHES WILL MAKE YOU A DEAD RINGER FOR A KARDASHIAN! VENEREAL DISEASE AND WHINY, WANNABE GANGSTA BOYFRIEND INCLUDED!

I could go on, but my brain is melting….

#119: Crazy Neighbors… And A Milestone!

Let’s see…

• There’s a man, once a respected business leader and pillar of the community, who now speaks to his grass and barks back at noisy dogs.
• A family of five seems to determined to give me a heart attack by allowing me to witness an endless stream of near-accidents. I’ve heard of kids climbing the walls, but not the roof!
• The most disturbing incident began with a garage fire – just picture Randy Quaid in Christmas Vacation dumping his RVs septic tank, but with a garage in flames – and ended with a double homicide. Seriously.

Yes, neighbors rule… We need human contact, but at what cost?

Oh well, at least my street isn’t boring…

As for the milestone… I’ve crossed 200,000 views! A bit late for that announcement, I know, but I’ve been busy! Speaking of which, The Belllman Chronicles is truly “live” on Amazon.com and the Kindle version is coming soon. I hope!

 

A Not-So-Terrible Thing: The Bellman Chronicles Is “Live”.

OCTOBER 22, 2010:

After much consideration and with tremendous trepidation, The Hook launches his first blog, You’ve Been Hooked!,  and joins the ranks of the WordPress community. A second blog (this one!) , soon follows.

My life would never be the same. Seriously.

JUNE 28, 2012:

After even more work – and more than a few hiccups along the way – The Hook decides to expand his horizons and publish his first book, The Bellman Chronicles. With the help of his friends, family, and the geniuses at CreateSpace – not to mention a little luck – that book has finally been completed.

A dream has become reality.

Here’s a quick description of my literary “masterpiece:

I know what you’re thinking, “What is this? Does it have any hunky, brooding vampires?”

• Let’s be clear, this book does NOT contain…
• Beautiful members of the Undead searching for a nice light snack/true love.
• Teenage wizards battling adversaries so fearsome they must not be named.
• Children battling to the death in a televised spectacle.
• Virginal college students with soap opera names who shed their purity after meeting emotionally crippled, perverted businessmen – who happen to have billions.

The Bellman Chronicles is a collection of tales featuring…

TERRIBLE PEOPLE:

Douchebags who think Grandma’s wheelchair is a suitable substitute for a luggage cart.
Crazy cougars who think the term “full-service hotel” means the security officer will sleep with you – while your husband watches.
Guests who bring animals with them: a deer strapped to their RV – which they park next to the kitchen entrance of the hotel’s restaurant.

TERRIBLE THINGS:

Getting caught daydreaming while your spouse “shares her feelings.”
Spilling your morning coffee.
Hairless cats.

So if you think your life sucks, take some of that money you were going to spend on Red Bull and smokes and read about someone who is REALLY suffering, namely yours truly.

You can call me The Hook.

Now, at last, you can visit my CreateSpace  e-store and order The Bellman Chronicles. If you are so inclined, the Amazon.com version, Kindle edition and other channels will be open within 5 to 7 days.

Again, thank you to everyone who helped make this dream a reality. Now the real battle begins, convincing millions of readers to put down their copies of Twilight, The Hunger Games and Fifty Shades of Grey and give my “work” a chance!

Related articles

• The Hook Presents… The Bellman Chronicles! (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)
• #135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur… (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)

#122: When The Circus Comes To Town…

THE SCENE:

My kitchen: Friday, June 15, 9:07 P.M.

The family is gathered in the kitchen – as per usual – each occupied with their own activities:

• Sarah is eating and working on her own literary masterpiece, The Misadventures of Misery.
• VampireLover is preparing evening snacks
• I’m… Well, you know.

But one thing has attracted drawn us together: television coverage of the circus that has overtaken our humble city… And street. Seriously, cars have lined our street and every nook and cranny in-between. Over 100,000 people have descended upon Niagara Falls to watch a man overcome a number of obstacles that would only have occurred in my little home. I’ll get to those in a minute.

For now, here’s the skinny: if all goes as planned Nik Wallenda will make history during a walk scheduled for 10:20 p.m. ET, as he crosses from the American side to the Canadian side of the falls on a 500-metre wire suspended 60 metres above one of God’s most awesome creations.

Next to my wife, that is.

At any rate, here’s a very brief breakdown of a few of the pitfalls Wallenda has already overcome:

• BUREAUCRACY: The Niagara Parks Commission, (the local government Gestapo) fought hard for years to block this event. By the way, the Commission has been mired in one corruption scandal after another for years, but they’ve always blocked “stunting” as they call it. Ironically, they’re benefiting huge in fees and tourism revenue. Go figure, right?
• IDIOCY: The same government goons who stuck to their guns for years, but now they’re singing Wallenda’s praises.
• NATURE: The power of the falls themselves, and believe it or not, peregrine falcons who may still attack Wallenda as he crosses. Seriously.
• FINANCIAL HARDSHIP: As of a few days ago, Wallenda was $500, 000 short of his estimated 1.3 million-dollar budget to cover this entire operation. Of course, its still going ahead, one way or another.
• GREED: Many have made plans to benefit from Wallenda’s achievement, but few have come forward to help fill his pockets.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the idea, I’m sure. Its 9:39 P.M and I have to sign-off; its been a looong day.

Regardless of what happens, Nik Wallenda has already earned himself a spot in history. know I’ll never forget all the hoopla he brought with him…

Related articles

• Tonight: Niagara Falls Tightrope Walk (newser.com)
• Nik Wallenda Is Set to Cross Niagara Falls Friday (nytimes.com)

#135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur…

As a bellman you see – and hear – some of life’s more interesting moments…

Especially when you’re working the midnight shift and the newspapers arrive. Then the work begins.. And sometimes, if you’re truly lucky, the fun.

• Up and down the floors with a cart loaded to the top with papers.
• Up and down the halls with armfuls of said papers.
• Up and down as you lean over and drop paper after paper…

Until…. You hear it… That unmistakeable sound of the Beast With Two Backs. Yes, when you’re a bellman you will most definitely hear people having sex. And not just, quiet, pedestrian sex.

No, usually travelers are so caught up int heir new surroundings – and occasionally, the thrill of an illicit hook-up – that they REALLY cut loose. Seriously, some of these folks sound like they’re going to kill each other. But in a great way, of course!

And you know what’s horrible about that?

You don’t want to listen, (not really?) but you can’t help yourself! And the really horrible thing about that is that moment when you realize you should be having sex instead of listening to it through a door for $11 an hour!

Now that’s truly terrible…

Related articles

• Voyeurism (allaboutcounseling.com)