Let’s face it, traveling can be a right pain in the ass. Funny thing for a bellman to say, right?
Nevertheless, here are a mere ten reasons why venturing out into the world is sometimes a very bad idea…
1) Crazy cougars. Forty-something females who have pledged allegiance to the First Church of Fifty Shades like to roam in packs and believe me, they’re not exactly wallflowers. I’ve seen parents grab their children and hold them close, fearful of just what might happen to Little Emily’s fragile psyche after exposure to a group of hyperactive, under-sexed cougars circling a male hotel staff member….
2) Lines. That. Just. Don’t End. Waiting sucks. Whether you’re in line at the airport, a car rental agency and especially a hotel front desk, your nerves are going to fray eventually. But God help you if you leave that line; you’ll just have to rejoin it sooner or later, and if you wait too long, you’ll wind up stranded, driving a beater or sleeping in the worst room in the hotel…
3) “Are we there yet?” Apparently that never gets old.
4) Gas station restrooms. Apparently they never get cleaned. Ever. I keep expecting to see guys in Hazmat descending upon Chevron stations everywhere.
5) Bed bugs. I’ve been fortunate to never have encountered one of these rascals in my fifteen years as a bellman, but they’re out there folks, ready to pounce on you like Kim Kardashian on Kanye West. And trust me, the effects are just as disastrous.
6) Hotel pillows. They just don’t feel the same, right? A word to the wise: if you feel compelled to bring your own pillow, in the name of all that is good and holy, put it in a bag! Every single day I have to handle some schmuck’s germ covered, dirty pillow and it just creeps me out! And its not healthy for them either.
7) Families that make the Lohans look well-adjusted. The average family’s collective autobiography should be titled “An Indictment of the North American Educational System.” Steer clear of these window lickers, folks..
8) Highways that make the surface of the Moon look smooth. I think if I had to do it over, I’d start a tow truck business…
9) The price of gas. You have to sell a kidney to fill your tank these days. A word to the wise: don’t sell your own kidney…
10) Leaving your home. Have you seen the world these days? Travelers have to deal with, in no particular order:
- Cities that smell like Roman vomitoriums.
- Drivers that have graduated from the Death Race School for Motorists.
- Hotel rates that would give Trump case for concern.
- Restaurants that are more concerned with gouging you rather than feeding you. Those folks on Kitchen Nightmares aren’t alone in their approach to hygiene and culinary standards, believe me…
And finally, there’s the dreaded X-Factor. And no, I’m not referring to the American Idol rip-off hosted by that master of judging disaster, Simon Cowell. I’m referring to the seemingly-endless array of unforeseen expenses and mini-disasters that Fate sees fit to throw at us while we attempt to enjoy our time away from the rat race. Never mind that most travelers truly cannot afford to throw a few thousand dollars away on a trip to some tacky tourist trap, they really can’t afford to pay for a blown transmission or an out-of-country medical emergency.
A word to the wise: stay home!