#147: Waiting In Line At The Border!

Unfortunately our world is fraught with peril and so our borders must be protected.

Indeed, I applaud our border agents for shouldering such an awesome responsibility on their broad shoulders. That having been said, there is an irrefutable truth to the entire border crossing process…

IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS!

• The lines are ridiculously long; you’d think they were giving out free hams!
• Your trepidation builds with every nerve-wracking second. The last thing you want to do is rehearse your answers; nothing good will come of that, trust me.
• The agent’s steely exterior immediately sets off your “douchebag radar”. They’re just doing their job, people! They’re not stand-up comics; they’re trying to catch criminals!
• Your nervousness triggers sudden memory loss! You instantly forget the geographical location of your birth, and other simple details.

To sum up, the truth of our nature requires we protect out borders, but that same nature reduces some of us to blithering idiots when we have to cross those very lines.

I wish they handed out cocktails before you crossed; that would mellow everyone out, right?

Once again, this explains precisely why I carry luggage for a living…

Related articles

• Suit alleges ‘sexual groping’ at Windsor-Detroit border crossing (windsorstar.com)
• 3 Canadians accuse U.S. border guards of ‘molestation’ (cbc.ca)
• Expect March Break border backups, says CBSA (blogs.windsorstar.com)

#155: Mother Nature’s Anti-NASCAR Vendetta!

This one is for the speed demons and rednecks among us.

You know who you are. Unless you’re too drunk to know better… Never mind.

Here’s the skinny: NASCAR postponed The Great American Race after heavy rain saturated Daytona International Speedway on Sunday.

Officials spent more than four hours waiting for a window to dry the famed track, but their prayers and human sacrifices (Hey, it could have happened!) were in vain. And when the latest storm cell passed over the speedway, they had little choice but to call it a day and reschedule.

Can you imagine the uproar? I would have loved to have seen the crowd’s faces; the looks of sheer horror and disgust pasted on their drooling faces would have been priceless!

The 500-mile race was rescheduled for Noon ET on Monday. It will be aired on Fox.

If Fate is through toying with NASCAR, that is.

Related articles

• Mother Nature Is Indecisive This Year (thepetalpusher.me)
• Daytona 500: Race Is Delayed as Mother Nature Won’t Go Away (bleacherreport.com)
• Rain Delays Start of NASCAR’s Daytona 500 (newsfeed.time.com)

#162: Writer’s Block.

…..

What, you actually thought I was going to write something?

I’m blocked, bitches!

Waiting For A Pot Of Water To Boil…

Image by ilmungo via Flickr

But it never does!

Your impatience morphs into frustration followed by white-hot rage.

The little veins on your forehead make an appearance..

And then you notice you forgot to turn the burner on!

Moron.

French Canadians. Page 1 of The Book of Terrible.

Welcome to The Book of Terrible, an ongoing tome of mankind’s blunders and a record of things that generally just..suck.

Let’s begin shall we?

FRENCH CANADIANS

They have taken the act of being rude to your fellow-man to a whole new level; I mean, it’s a martial art to these guys. I can’t explain it, but for some reason nothing seems to sting more than the verbal bite of a French Canadian; must be their mangling of the true French language.

Bad for your heart.

That’s right, even the real French hate these guys. They’re considered the retarded cousins no one wants to acknowledge or speak of at parties.

Not only that, but their cultural contributions consist of poutine and Celine Dion (the subject of a whole other post all her own).

Bad for your soul!

Related Articles

• Man jailed for assaulting ex with poutine (cnews.canoe.ca)