#104: Mondays With The Kardashians!

Yes, Mondays suck no matter what… That’s a given.

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

But when I get into an elevator with a hotel guest who insists on blathering on about the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I suddenly realize that Mondays are cursed…

“Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a makeover by throwing out all the clothes from her ‘ghetto’ closet.” The best part? This statement came from the white bread mouth of the most homogenized twelve-year-old girl I’ve ever seen…

Her long-suffering parents just rolled their eyes as their progeny continued.

Kim was like “Kanye has definitely inspired me to wanna, like, be a little bit more of an individual. Life is about “evolving and changing.” she gushed, “And then Khloe freaked out that Kim was donating her clothes. And then Oprah interviewed everyone.”

The little girl then exploded from sensory overload. Okay, not really, but I can dream, right?

“Oprah interviewed the Kardashians? I liked her better when she was white.” was Dad’s response to all the drama. A classic Dad response, right?

As for this dad, I wanted to enlighten the little girl – by shaking her until her head popped off – but I’m hamstrung by professional ethics. And the law, of course. Her parents faces told the story: they gave up on setting their little darling straight long ago. She was another Kardashian zombie and nothing would change that.

I also wanted to charge her parents for my time. NO ONE should have to start their Monday with the Kardashians. NO ONE….

AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!

Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!

More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!

AND FINALLY….

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Keeping Up With the Kardashians Recap: It’s Oprah! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Kanye West Makes Kim Kardashian Throw Out All Her Clothes (VIDEO) (gossipcop.com)

#125: The Return of “The Saccharine Menace”!

First The Book of Awesome was responsible for overloading my artificial joy receptors, now I’ve become aware of another “happy, happy, joy, joy” menace on the horizon….

The Care Bears are back.

Just let that sink in for a moment…

Meet the Care Bears (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-Lot introduces the likes of Tenderheart Bear, Share Bear, Cheer Bear and a whole batch of other “sugary-sweet menaces” to a whole new generation of children just waiting to hug a TV in approval.

I want kids to go out and hug a tree – though not literally – rather than embrace the TV and become little “Ambassadors of Awesome”. The world is a harsh, unfeeling place at times; why do we have to put up with crap like this on top of every other modern plague Fate has unleashed recently?

Hasn’t the world suffered enough at the manicured hands of the Kardashians?

Just shoot me now, I beg of you….

Related articles

• ‘Care Bears’ return: First Look (insidetv.ew.com)
• FIRST LOOK: ‘Care Bears’ Reboot (huffingtonpost.com)

#143: Zombies.

The Walking Dead (Photo credit: Med PhotoBlog)

I can only imagine the uproar this title has caused across the “interweb”.

To be clear, I’m not referring to the undead horde that rampages across AMC’s television masterpiece, The Walking Dead, my focus today is on the millions of living – but just barely – human beings who choose to waste their lives by never realizing their full potential. Look closely and you can actually see the neurons burning out in their eyes.

Most of them don’t even try. You can find them in every corner of our society…

• The educational system. And it’s not just the students; have you seen some of the teachers lumbering through school hallways these days?
• Politics. Sarah Palin anyone? And she’s armed!
• Teenagers. Of course, they could always outgrow their infection… hopefully!
• Reality television. Kate Gosselin, anyone? And she’s reproduced!
• The Kardashians. They transcend traditional categorization but they’re evolutionary throwbacks who threaten the very fabric of our society. As you may have guessed, I’m not a fan…
• Music. The list is seemingly endless; Jessica Simpson, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, etc.

I could go on, but I need to get busy drafting an online petition allowing for a government sanctioned “living zombie culling”.

I think its about time, don’t you?

Related articles

• Zombie Fight! British Mall Offers 4-Hour Walker Hunt Experience (inquisitr.com)
• Drama, Thy Name is Zombie (realmsqueen.wordpress.com)

#144: Sunday Afternoon Television!

Seriously, just hear me out.

Have you ever found yourself relaxing on the couch on a “lazy Sunday” afternoon? You slooowly reach for the remote, grab it and quickly fall back and slump into the couch once more.

Now the hard part.

What to watch? Hundreds of channels – if you’re lucky enough to have a cable or satellite – but as for the actual selections available to you...

• Fishing shows. A Sunday staple, but…
• Religious programing. Some of it extends into the P.M. Doesn’t God rest on Sunday?
• Golf. If you’re a 50-year-old male and too poor to actually get on  the green yourself, maybe this is for you!
• “C grade” cooking shows. The stuff that’s too old and boring for Daytime TV!
  
• Really bad movies. Stroker Ace, anyone?

If you’re a kid and your parents have dragged you off to some boring relative’s house, your situation is even worse!

I remember trying to watch bowling at my Aunt Nancy’s house… I think begged my Mom for a  buck – it went further back then – hurled myself through the screen door and crawled to the corner store. I crawled so it would take longer!

Ah, good times on a Sunday…

Thank you, heartless network executives in cheap suits!

#49: The Lack of “Replay Value” in Today’s Cinema.

Image via Wikipedia

So the wife and I are channel surfing, desperately searching for something to fill a few hours before bed, and we happen upon Grease.

Taking into account the fact that I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve watched this one, I nonetheless suggested we stick with Danny and Sandy.

“We’ve seen this millions of times!”

To which I replied, “But you can watch this a million times, quote the lines by heart, and still feel satisfied afterwards.” 

And it’s true, certain films latch onto our subconsciousness and become a part of us. They gain a repeat factor of “infinite”.

But the big studios aren’t exactly mass producing films of this caliber anymore. Hairspray and Mama Mia! appear to have struck a chord with audiences (I know my family has returned to these two more than once!), but with the exception of franchises like Lord of the Rings or that Potter kid, we’re often forced to return to old favorites to bring that warm fuzzy feeling to the surface.

Studios are desperate to create a franchise they can milk for millions in ticket sales and merchandising rights, they couldn’t care less about whether or not a single piece will stand the test of time.

#57: Laughing at the Weirdest TV Show You’ve Ever Seen!

My family loves classic Britcoms.

Some of them, like Are You Being Served? translate well to the North American mindset, but some of them leave you scratching your head and asking yourself, “What the hell was I just laughing so hard at?”

My little clan gathered ’round ye olde television set last night to watch Father Ted, a favorite of my wife and father-in-law. If you’ve never seen this program, just imagine what would happen if a group of British and Irish writers, stoned out of their minds, joined forces to send up all those priests that tormented them through their childhoods.

Image by Wikipedia

Then multiply the weirdness factor by a thousand, and you’ve got Father Ted. Imagine three burnout priests who have all been exiled to a remote island off Ireland’s west coast, who spend their time lamenting their fates and dealing with an equally kooky housekeeper and various crazy island residents.

Last night’s episode focused on a teen idol, obviously mentally challenged, who found himself trapped in the Father’s house after a horde of awestruck old ladies learned of his presence. The episode was a parody of Night of the Living Dead and featured a scene where the housekeeper, equally smitten with the teen idol, baked him a cake – with a jumper in the centre!

Yes, she baked a jumper into the cake. My family, including myself, roared at the absurdity of it all.

But we never changed the channel.

Finally, my twelve-year-old decided to ask the obvious question, “What’s wrong with you people? This show is nuts!”

#58: Watching a Television Show That You Hate With Your Spouse!

Image via Wikipedia

My original title was “Watching a Television Show With Your Spouse That You Hate!”, but that didn’t look right!

At any rate, the wife used to be hooked (no pun intended!) on Everybody Loves Raymond, and this proved to be a major hurdle I had to overcome every… single…. night! She’d put it on, I’d grumble, we’d spar – briefly – and I’d end up watching 22 excruciating minutes of that “lovable” Barone clan and their wacky Italian ways!

I actually didn’t mind the Marie, Frank and even Eeyore, I mean Robert, but Ray and Debra drove me insane with their increasingly predictable behavior. Nevertheless, the wife was smitten with the show, so I had to “Man up” as they and compromise.

That’s not what that phrase means, you say?

You’re obviously single…

#61: Infomercials!

(Feels like TV Week, doesn’t it?)

Their number has decreased, as has their visibility, but they still litter the television landscape like anti-abortion billboards!

If you’re going to purchase a product from a television vendor, stick to one of the many shopping channels that are more than happy to separate you from your hard-earned cash. Infomercials are the television equivalent of crack, and they sell products major retailers choose to avoid like the plague.

If Wal-mart won’t sell it, do you really need it?

Soap operas, Jerry Springer-type talk shows, infomercials, they exist to rot your brain and distract you from the big picture. I firmly believe “They” (whoever “they” are!) use these thirty-minute ads to keep people off-balance and firmly rooted to the couch.

Can’t have people evolving, can we?

Related articles

• As Seen on TV: Infomercial Fails (neatorama.com)

R.I.P Charlie Harper: Warner Bros. (Finally) Fires Sheen.

Charlie Harper is no more.

His portrayer,  Charlie Sheen was fired Monday from the hit sitcom Two and a Half Men by Warner Bros. Television. The action was taken after “careful consideration” and is effective immediately, the studio said in a statement. No decision has been made on the show’s future without its star, said Paul McGuire, a Warner spokesman.

It had to happen.

Sooner or later, our boy Charlie  was going to cross a line during one of his lightning-fast rants and some douchebag in a suit was going to get so pissed off they were going to push him back over the line.

In this case, it was the unemployment line. Now Charlie Sheen, who claims the general public can’t process his “greatness”, due to the tiger blood coursing through his veins, has more in common with the man on the street than he will ever admit.

Of course the man on the street doesn’t live with two “goddesses”, an entourage and have his own web show where he literally rants about anything he feels like.

In a text message to The Associated Press, Sheen responded, with the F-word and “They lose,” followed by the word “Trolls”, a word Sheen loves to use almost as much as “Winning!” Asked if he planned to sue, Sheen responded, “Big.” As for his next move, Sheen texted, “A big one.”

I think as far as the most of the world is concerned Charlie, you are a big one.

Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen fired; studio fears life in danger (reuters.com)
• Why Charlie Sheen was fired (insidetv.ew.com)
• Charlie Sheen Fired from “Two and a Half Men” + Star Responds to News (gossipcop.com)

Give Jon a break, E! online, (He’s trying.)

Sometimes people just need someone to hate.

Bold statement, I know, but consider the case of Jon Gosselin; average joe who over the course of two pregnancies, fathered eight children with that “lovely” harpy known as Kate Gosselin, (sarcasm thick enough for you?).

This is the pic E! online used in their story. Real objective isn't it?

After several seasons of that reality tv abomination Jon and Kate Plus Eight, he cheats on his wife, moves out of their house and protests his children’s participation in the very show that made him a household name.

News broke this week that Gosselin, after lying low for a while, has apparently given up the tv game altogether.

So let me get this straight – Jon Gosselin gets out of the reality tv game and the so-called mainstream media still hounds him. The man returns to work in the technology field, the career he pursued before his life became a total you-know-what storm, and E! online continues to refer to him as a “douchebag”.

Their words, not mine.

I realize E! is in the celebrity-watching business, but if a man has realized the best thing he can do is get out of the game, then leave him alone!

There are literally a million issues in the world than can be tied to the entertainment biz. Don’t forget stars, especially these days, are all about getting attention for charity work. Sean Penn will show up when an african child skins his knee as long as the media is there.

Then again, maybe the Hook is overreacting. After all, E! is the same network that chose the Kardashian sisters as their reps.

How much of a threat can they be, Jon Gosselin?

Does every relief worker get his own camera crew?