Ten Terrible Things About… Kim Kardashian

Time for a new format, kids!

And who better to kick off this “love-fest” than everyone’s favorite vapid, dead-eyed debutante, the L’il Kim of the tabloids, Kim Kardshian? Here we go…

1. First she made her father’s corpse spin itself right out of the grave, now she makes his ghost cry every day. 
2. She Tweets things like, “Mom- want any coffee? Me- yes please Mom- how do u take it? Me- half coffee half milk. Just make it the color of what my kid would be”
3. Her Twitter account has 16,240,155 followers. People won’t vote, but they’ll log onto the ‘net to see what Kim K has to say..
4. She enjoys being photographed  with her sisters in semi-incestuous poses… 
5. Paris Hilton used to be her best friend and is directly responsible for unleashing her upon the world. Kardashian followed Hilton’s “career” to a “T”:  hit the socialite scene, release a tape depicting a nobody violating you in a variety of poses and score your own reality show. This yet another reason that historians will view Paris Hilton as one of history’s greatest monsters…
6. Along with her family she has starred in eighteen different reality shows (at least it feels that way!), each one worse than the last.
7. She released her own fragrance, thus ensuring females all over the world  could walk around smelling slutty – and stupid.
8. She is a role model to millions of little girls. Just think about that for a moment. Most kids don’t even know who Rosa Parks is, but they want to be like Kim Kardashian.
9. Fueled by obvious jealousy of “Wills and Kate”, she married NBA player Kris Humphries after a four-month courtship and convinced people it would be an event worth watching. She pulled off one of the biggest and most commercially successful television scams of all time by convincing E! network execs to film a  two-part TV special showing both the preparations and the wedding itself.  After 72 days of “marriage”, Kardashian filed for divorce from Humphries on October 31, 2011, citing irreconcilable differences – and severe boredom. Okay,  I may be wrong about the last part, but I stand by my statement…
10. She is one-half of one of the worst celebrity couples of all time. Not only has she stroked Kanye West’s already out-of-control ego to Godzilla-like proportions, but now there are reports that she wants to become a wife for the third time! A friend of West told HollywoodLife.com: “Kim is really showing Kanye she’s his perfect bitch. She’s been down for him, doing everything for him. Ironing his clothes, cooking for him, pampering the man!” Isn’t it funny how these supposed “friends” are always available to talk to tabloids and websites?

MOVING ON…

I have the best readers in the world.

• When I asked you to read my blog, you answered: I have over 1,000 readers between both blogs!
• When I asked you to download my book, you did so: 6,059 downloads in total!
• You even sent your good wishes my way when I was stricken down with the flu.

Now I need your help again. I know, I know, I’m needy…

Steven and Chris is a Canadian talk show that covers all the bases, from cooking, home decor (both hosts are design gurus), fashion, health to the usual celebrity appearances. Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman never acknowledge it on-screen, but they’re a couple – and it shows! Their chemistry sets the show apart from the pack (it seems like there is a million talk shows out there these days, right?) and millions of Canadians – of both genders – love them.

Naturally, an appearance on their show would breathe life into my barely-breathing writing career. And so I turn to you.

I need your help to convince the powers-that-be at Steven and Chris that The Hook would make a worthwhile guest. I may not seem like an ideal fit for their genre, but I guarantee every single member of their audience has stayed in a hotel at least once in the past. My work appeals to EVERYONE. I just need to convince Steven and Chris of that!

stevenandchris@cbc.ca is their e-mail address and I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a short statement that you can “cut and paste”. I can be very thoughtful sometimes, right?

I am a fan of the Canadian bellman/author Robert Hookey, also known as “The Hook”. I think his particular brand of humor would appeal to your audience. His first book, The Bellman Chronicles, contains subject matter that everyone can relate to. Not only that, he’s housebroken, which is always a plus…

Appearing on this show would launch me to a whole other level – and hopefully allow me to sell more than 100 books! Perhaps I could even eat at a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru window… Maybe.

I’d also like to extend an offer to anyone who decides to give me a few minutes of their time; if you can spare some time to help me out, I’d be open to hosting a guest post. If anyone has a tale of a vacation gone awry, or anything funny, let me know!

Thank you in advance, folks. You rock.

ONCE UPON A TIME… A NEW FAN PAGE WAS BORN!

It must run in the family. The Hook’s daughter has developed a taste for sci-fi/fantasy and so she has launched her own Facebook fan page for the ABC drama Once Upon A Time.

Fans of Once Upon A Time is a labor of love – and it shows. Check it out: fans of Tom Welling – and I know there are quite a few of you out there – will be pleased to see he’ll be making an appearance this season.

The bottom line is this: my daughter wants to rack up as many “likes” as she can, so help her out, okay?

TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Is Kim Kardashian Pregnant? (gossipcop.com)
• Kim Kardashian Names New Cat Mercy After Kanye West Song (hollywoodlife.com)
• A “Queeb tax”? What’s Next? A “Courtesy Toll”? (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)

#153: Paris Hilton’s Latest “Musical” Onslaught!

Oops, she did it again.

Oh wait, that was that Spears chick, wasn’t it?

At any rate, Paris Hilton has released a new single from her latest as-yet unreleased second studio album. Or did she? A copy of what was billed as  Hilton’s new single surfaced online recently, only to be removed just two hours later.

Why?

The song called Drunk Text features Hilton speaking in a monotone over a beat from electro duo Manufactured Superstars and was instantly panned by critics and fans alike. A rep for the 31-year-old waste of space, I mean drunken heiress/porn star released the following statement: “We can confirm that the video leaked today is not part of Paris Hilton’s new album. This video was recorded over a year ago. The first single will be out in a few months, we will let everyone know when it’s due for release.”

Hilton revealed last month that she was working on a new album with Snoop Dogg, LMFAO and Flo Rida which was being produced by her boyfriend Afrojack.

I have to say, this line-up does not impress me; these people are whiter than Paris Hilton! I guess Paris just can’t stand to watch the Kardashians tear society down with their various assaults upon the senses.

Image via Wikipedia

She could always star in another sex tape, perhaps a girl-on-girl feature – with better lighting and production values!

Related articles

• Paris Hilton Gets Her “Drunk Text” On With The Manufactured Superstars (pinkbananaworld.com)
• Paris Hilton Debuts Spoken Word Track “Drunk Text” (923now.radio.com)
• Watch Paris Hilton’s Bizarre New Music Video About Drunk Texts, Sexting (mashable.com)