#108: Loosening The Reins..

My little girl was reading her high school handbook last night.

Her high school handbook.

She just came home from the hospital wrapped in a blanket, all shiny and new, and now she’ll be off to high school in a few short weeks. The most tumultuous years of her life (I hope they’re not, but let’s face reality) await her and I can do nothing but wait to hear about them when she gets home at night. This is my role and I accept it.

But I sure as hell don’t like it.

To say I’m proud of my daughter would be a gross understatement; she has become a person I genuinely look forward to spending time with. She has become my…

• Movie Buddy.
• New Comic Book Day Companion. (Wednesdays rule!)
• Supernatural Sidekick. (The TV show, not the occult lifestyle!)

The list goes on… But for how long? These last few years have truly been the “Golden Years” – some o f the best of my life, in fact – but that’s because they have had a finite lifespan, as it should be. If something doesn’t evolve, it dies. We must be children and endure the trials of childhood in order to test our mettle and choose the path we wish to walk in adulthood.

Great things lie ahead for my daughter, of that I have no doubt; she is a budding author whose work will blow mine away in no time.  Her victories will be legion, this I know… just  as I know I’ll be experiencing some bittersweet “parenting pains” watching them unfold.

#42: Back-to-School Shopping With Your Mom!

Yes, I know it’s almost October – sue me!

Truthfully, I always had a blast shopping with my Mother (and Grandma), but I know most of you out there weren’t exactly doing cartwheels at the prospect of trudging through a mall trying on new clothes.

The guys know what I’m talking about, right?

Just try to think back to some of the outfits your mom picked out, if you can handle the memories, that is! As a child of the Seventies, I know that clothing styles have come a long way since I committed my string of fashion crimes against humanity, but that doesn’t change the fact that parents and kids don’t see eye to eye when it comes to what is considered acceptable in public school.

And God help you if you run into anyone you know while on your little excursion; I nearly lost an eye diving into a rack of dress shirts once! 

Image by Blogspot.

If you look too clean, you’re going to get teased. If you’re dressed too mature, you’ll get beat up. And if you look like and accountant, then you better persuade your mom to let you buy a quality pair of runners because you’ll be hoofing it like Forrest Gump!

Word to the wise: plan your escape route out of the school ahead of time.

We all know Mom means well, and let’s face it, there’s no way to get out of it, so embrace the back-to-school excursion and wring what pleasure you can from the experience.

 

Oh, and it may not be a bad idea to take karate over the summer.

#55: Empty Promises Your Parents Made!

EVERYBODY’S DAD: I swear to God, if you kids don’t stop trying to kill each other back there, I’ll turn this car around and go home right now!

But no one ever stopped, they just ingested some more sugar and picked up where they left off.

And Dad kept on driving, his mind wandering to his old flame, the tall blonde he didn’t marry and have crazy rugrats with, the one who did that thing with her tongue…

Where the hell was I?

Oh yeah, parents and their empty promises.

EVERYBODY’S MOM: This is the last time I’ll say this, stop hitting your sister with the cat!

But you didn’t stop, and she said the same thing every single time, refusing to honor her promise. Instead, the words would just flow from her lips effortlessly, her mind preoccupied with memories of her college roommate, the tall blonde who did that thing with her tongue….

I keep getting off-topic here, how does that happen?

The point, if I can maintain my focus long enough to share it, is this: parents love to raise our expectations with lines like, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you just let me sleep a little while longer!” However, they don’t like to make good on those promises and this is the way it’s always been.

And always will be.

I suppose it’s good that some terrible things remain unphased by the passage of time. What would family vacations be like without empty death threats from Dad, right?

#81: The Office Know-it-All!

Legal precedents prevent you from killing him.

But you know you want to.

He is th expert on everything; no topic of conversation that arises during office hours is beyond his scope.

He’s single, but he can tell you everything you’re doing wrong in your relationship. Though childless, no child-rearing problem is beyond his expertise. Even home ownership, with all its myriad of responsibilities, isn’t too tough for this apartment dweller!

He makes you groan when you first see him, and you can’t pray hard enough for some horrible industrial accident to befall him.

But it never does.

I suppose you could attempt to defuse the situation and try to articulate to this individual just why half the office wants to see his lifeless form hanging from the ceiling in the break room, but who has the time or intestinal fortitude?