Ten Terrible Things About… March Break.

For the uninitiated: I am a bellman in Niagara Falls. March Break is upon us.

Pray for me.

1)  The name itself has destructive overtones. March Break? It sounds very painful.

2)  It was not created by an adult. Seriously, what sane, fully-grown human being would ever conceive such an event? Who in their right mind gives kids a week off a mere two months after Christmas? Their last holiday buzz hasn’t even wore off yet, for Pete’s sake!

3)  Cultural convention has ruined this week forever. North American college students feel March Break is the perfect time to eat (a little), drink (A LOT) and be merry (to the point of blacking out), and so we have accepted this behavior as normal. Unfortunately, kids everywhere look up to their older counterparts.

4)  “ARE WE THERE YET?” Parents everywhere will be listening to this – until their ears bleed.

5)  Automobile accidents. See #4. You try keeping both hands on the wheel and your eyes on the road when you hear the same sentence ad nauseam…..

6)  The craziest people seem to be drawn to me. And so they come to Niagara Falls. Its a proven scientific fact. The research is in Canadian scientific journals; right between the advances in back bacon and telepathic snow dogs…

7)  Stupid questions from tourists.

• “When do they shut down the Falls?” (Yes, they still ask that one.)
• “Do I have to pay for a bellman?”
• “Hey buddy, where the white women at?”

8)  Tylenol’s sales go through the roof. Why does this bother me? I hate to suffer alone…

9)  The two most chilling words in the English language – for parents, at least. Say them with me… “I’M BORED!” Admit it, a chill just went down your spine, right?

10)  Crazy parents. Many of the parents I meet have the same philosophy: “Let your kids run wild. Someone else will handle it.”

Once again, pray for The Hook. Please.

#105: When Politicians Shut Off Their Common Sense…

“It has been in the media quite a bit, but I believe it was a surprise inspection even though it was so publicized.” Niagara Falls Humane Society Executive Director Jay DesRoches after his organization conducted an inspection of scandal-plagued Niagara Falls amusement park Marineland August 23.

Some people really need to put the flask away when they speak to the media…

AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!

Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!

More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!

AND FINALLY….

 A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Marineland says no ‘major issues’ found in inspection (cbc.ca)
• Marineland cleared after inspection (metronews.ca)
• The Chickens Come Home To Roost At Marineland… (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)

#107: Marineland’s Chickens Have Come Home To Roost…

“Hey did you hear about that Marineland place? We’ve always heard it was a major league rip-off, but now they’re saying they abuse their animals, too. You live here, what do you think about this”

This was how my first call of the day started. I had no idea just what the guest in question was referring to, but I’d heard the statement before; everyone in Niagara Falls has.

English: MarineLand Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bear with me, this one is different, but I should have written it years ago. But I stayed the course and wrote about crazy travelers when I should have been a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, at least not in a language we can understand, that is. Most people will tell you they “love animals”, but how many of us have the courage to stand behind those words when it counts?

This week, in my hometown of Niagara Falls, there is only one topic of conversation that is “trending” at the grassroots level; the horrific allegations of abuse leveled against local amusement and animal exhibition park Marineland. For decades, locals like myself have heard countless stories from current and former Marineland employees concerning the horrible operating conditions at one of the city’s most popular attractions. The stories always followed the same trend:

• All of the animals have been underfed to the point of malnutrition.
• The sea creatures’ habitats and tanks haven’t been properly maintained.
• The décor and the general “feel” of the park hasn’t changed or been updated for decades. Seriously, its sad.
• Staff members feel they have been treated like something the owner found on the bottom of his shoes.

And that’s where Marineland owner John Holer, appears to have made his greatest tactical error; for decades he has treated his staff worse than the animals they care for and they have had enough. They are now speaking out and the mainstream media is finally ready to listen. In short, there is blood in the water and the sharks are circling.

And their numbers are growing by the day.

The Toronto Star was the first news outlet to turn their attention to Marineland – despite the best efforts of animal activists, no one has ever truly shone a bright enough light on Marineland to warrant the full attention of the world – but they will most certainly not be the last.

At this point it is important to stress one fact: THESE ARE UNVERIFIED ALLEGATIONS. No one has proven anything.  However, these allegations have been  floating around the city of decades and NO ONE HAS EVER CARED ENOUGH ABOUT THESE HELPLESS SEA CREATURES TO EVEN INVESTIGATE THEM SERIOUSLY.

I deal with dozens of tourists every day who tell me of their plans to visit Marineland and even though I’ve heard the “major-league rip-off” comment before – and experienced it first-hand as a dad accompanying his child on school trips – I ignored them and eagerly recommended Marineland to hundreds of guest over the years. I was just doing my job.

So why do I feel like a complete and total fool?

Related articles

• Marineland animals suffering, former staffers say (thestar.com)
• Marineland denies mistreating animals (cbc.ca)
• Animals endured suffering, former Marineland trainer says (ctvnews.ca)

#122: When The Circus Comes To Town…

THE SCENE:

My kitchen: Friday, June 15, 9:07 P.M.

The family is gathered in the kitchen – as per usual – each occupied with their own activities:

• Sarah is eating and working on her own literary masterpiece, The Misadventures of Misery.
• VampireLover is preparing evening snacks
• I’m… Well, you know.

But one thing has attracted drawn us together: television coverage of the circus that has overtaken our humble city… And street. Seriously, cars have lined our street and every nook and cranny in-between. Over 100,000 people have descended upon Niagara Falls to watch a man overcome a number of obstacles that would only have occurred in my little home. I’ll get to those in a minute.

For now, here’s the skinny: if all goes as planned Nik Wallenda will make history during a walk scheduled for 10:20 p.m. ET, as he crosses from the American side to the Canadian side of the falls on a 500-metre wire suspended 60 metres above one of God’s most awesome creations.

Next to my wife, that is.

At any rate, here’s a very brief breakdown of a few of the pitfalls Wallenda has already overcome:

• BUREAUCRACY: The Niagara Parks Commission, (the local government Gestapo) fought hard for years to block this event. By the way, the Commission has been mired in one corruption scandal after another for years, but they’ve always blocked “stunting” as they call it. Ironically, they’re benefiting huge in fees and tourism revenue. Go figure, right?
• IDIOCY: The same government goons who stuck to their guns for years, but now they’re singing Wallenda’s praises.
• NATURE: The power of the falls themselves, and believe it or not, peregrine falcons who may still attack Wallenda as he crosses. Seriously.
• FINANCIAL HARDSHIP: As of a few days ago, Wallenda was $500, 000 short of his estimated 1.3 million-dollar budget to cover this entire operation. Of course, its still going ahead, one way or another.
• GREED: Many have made plans to benefit from Wallenda’s achievement, but few have come forward to help fill his pockets.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the idea, I’m sure. Its 9:39 P.M and I have to sign-off; its been a looong day.

Regardless of what happens, Nik Wallenda has already earned himself a spot in history. know I’ll never forget all the hoopla he brought with him…

Related articles

• Tonight: Niagara Falls Tightrope Walk (newser.com)
• Nik Wallenda Is Set to Cross Niagara Falls Friday (nytimes.com)