Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Theater.

Iron Man 3 opens this weekend. The cineplexes will be overrun.

Enough said?

1)  “Oh, now I remember this one! Everybody dies at the end!”

2)  “Crack open that container of pickled eggs!”

3)  “Don’t look now, but my spouse just walked in. You don’t mind ducking down, do you?”

4)  “I heard they tripled the number of previews.”

5)  “I really shouldn’t have had those five burritos for dinner.”

6)  “I heard Pauly Shore is brilliant in this.”

7)  “Pass that bottle of Jägermeister over here!”

8)  “I have to go to the bathroom. Hold my camcorder, will you?”

9)  “”I have to take this call.”

10)  “My zipper’s stuck!”

Movie Trailers On Acid!

Image via Wikipedia

Movie trailers have always been kinetic to the nth degree, but these days you need a helmet to get through them! 

They contain roughly 50 shots in two-and-a-half minutes, set to a wild soundtrack that leaves you sitting in a pool of your own ear-blood!

Just look at the trailer for the latest Pirates of the Caribbean, filled to the absolute brim with more shots of Johnny Depp than the entire run of 21 Jump Street! Perhaps the reason Captain Jack is so nutty is because he had to endure a string of crazy trailers created by a room full of squirrels hopped up on a mix of Red Bull and lighter fluid! 

The last Harry Potter film (yeah, right!), is almost upon us and while the trailer is slightly more subdued than the usual fare, it still carries with it the potential to short-circuit pacemakers.

Our kids are wild enough these days, do they really need the extra shot of adrenalin?

Will the cinematic madness ever end?

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The Whole Vampire Craze Bites!

They’re everywhere these days – and it really sucks!

Movies, television, adverstising, and even books (Yes, some people still actually read!) have all been placed under the thrall of the modern-day “sensitive and wildly-romantic” vampire.  

Don’t blame Anne Rice, though, her vamps were gay!

One last thing, to all you lovely women out there who are feeding this vamp-frenzy: just remember this little fact about the objects of your affection…

 

YOU’RE THEIR FOOD, YOU CRAZY CHICKS!

What’s So Great About Oscar Anyway?

It’s February so Hollywood is on fire as the flames of the Mighty Oscar Hype Machine burn their way across the collective consciousness of all in its path.

In other words. you can’t pick up an entertainment publication, scroll across a website or even turn on a radio without being slammed by news of the Academy Awards. Apparently the universe will perish and the populace will die screaming in agony if you miss what Natalie Portman is wearing on the red carpet.

Or something like that, I may be over-exaggerating but I’m just caught up in the frenzy.    

I used to love the Oscars but my tolerance shrunk as the production ran longer and longer each year. They’ve added more blockbusters (True Grit) and kiddie fare (Toy Story 3) in an effort to reach a wider, more tolerant audience, but I still don’t think they can grab the coveted male 18-34 demographic if they continue to shun features like The Expendables.  

Image via Wikipedia

 

Yeah, I know Stallone and crew aren’t Oscar-worthy thespians, but way back when the original idea behind moving pictures was to entertain as well as enlighten. Now the Academy is interested in pushing “serious films” but the Hype Machine is anything but serious.

There are Oscar Party Diets to slim the ladies down for the big night. Recipes for Oscar snacks and of course, fashion predictions detailing which star will be wearing the latest craze by the newest “It” designer. I bet Trojan has an Oscar themed gold-tinted condom just in case your party ends with a bang!

So to speak.

 The Academy is only interested in “films” not “movies”, but the public is hungry for movies. They spend their hard-earned cash on movies. They want to see movies honored at the Oscars.

So give the people what they want. Or they may just end up hiring The Expendables to set you straight.

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Teletoon Is Terrible!

At the ripe old age of 41 (Almost!), it takes a lot to phase The Hook, but the state of children’s television programming comes close. What are these douchebags in suits thinking  when they repeatedly schedule Kill BIll Vol. 1 on a Saturday night?           

Don’t get me wrong, I worship the film making skills of Quentin Tarantino and the Kill Bill films display his greatest assets – a deep respect for retro films and the bold daring necessary to stand out in a grossly overcrowded market. But I’m an adult and I know what to expect from the man’s films.

Namely, unrepentant killers engaging in so much bloodshed the color has to be reverted to black and white at times!

Yeah, this is suitable for kids.

But my twelve-year-old, though more accepting of violence in film theses days, is another matter entirely. Teletoon, a Canadian network supposedly specializing in children’s programming airs adult fare under different banners meant to differentiate it from “kid stuff”. After spending the day loading up on  sugar, kids don’t go to sleep that early on the weekend so these films are easily accessible.  Kids are still channel surfing at 9:30 pm.

Don’t kid yourselves folks, the douchebags in suits know this. They just don’t care enough to air their adult programming on a different network like they do for retro cartoons or french-language shows.

What’s next, ”Saturday night with the Sopranos on Teletoon?”

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