Lauryn Hill is Just The Tip Of The Iceberg…

Singer Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in prison for failing to pay taxes on about $1 million in earnings.

Bad, Lauryn!

This situation, and Hill’s hubris (you can’t hide from the Tax man, girl!), got me thinking.

Don’t worry, it only hurt a little.

Here are some charges I feel should be leveled against other celebrities for their many crimes against the United States and humanity in general.

1)  Lindsay Lohan:  Domestic terrorism. Let’s face it, she’s hit just about every moving vehicle in the US by now; there has to be a hidden agenda here. No one is that foolish or reckless, right?

2)  Charlie Sheen:  How much time do you have?

3)  Carly Rae Jepsen:  Noise pollution. That damn song makes my ears bleed.

4)  Justin Bieber:  Primate smuggling and impersonating a teenage lesbian.

5)  Reese Witherspoon:  Polluting the internet with stories of the most dumbass arrest ever! And yes, Reese, I know your name.

6)  The entire Kardashian clan:  Crimes against humanity too numerous to mention, ‘natch.

7)  Chris Brown:  Being a disgrace to everyone with a penis.

8)  Rihanna:  Aiding and abetting Chris Brown. I swear, smoking hot looks are wasted on the beautiful. Rihanna has proven herself to be a danger to herself and others and must be stopped.

9)  Gary Busey:  Simply put, he’s going to hurt himself. Period.

10)  Tom Cruise:  His ego has been violating United States airspace restrictions for decades and is threatening to disrupt weather patterns and may even plunge the planet into another ice age. I love your work, Tom, but come on!

Ten Things You Should Never Say When Crossing The Border.

For those not in the know, The Hook is a resident of Niagara Falls, Canada.

As such, I’ve come to realize that border guards are not exactly well-versed in the art of friendly banter with travelers.

To say the least.

Here then, are some tips on what not to say when crossing the border between countries.

1)  When the customs officer says “Do you have anything to declare?”, don’t say “Only my undying contempt for you!”

2)  “Is it true you have a special ‘Buy One Get One Free’ deal on Mexicans right now?”

3)  “I bet my piece is bigger than yours!”

4)  “Pay no attention to that thumping. I’ve been meaning to get that trunk triple-insulated, but I’ve been too busy. You know how it is, right?”

5)  “I’m just here to open my 100th meth lab!”

6)  “Could you recommend a good place to score, but in a safe neighborhood?

7)  “Be careful while handling that passport, the ink is still wet.”

8)  “Do you have a recycling bin? I need to throw out these beer bottles.”

9)  “Be honest, does this concealed weapon make me look fat?”

10)  “My name is Lindsay Lohan.” (or if you’re male) “My name is Charlie Sheen.”

Ten Signs You May Have Picked The Wrong Hotel.

As a bellman, I’ve been fortunate enough to have worked at two reputable, well-run establishments.

But let me tell you, some places are a nightmare on toast. Summer will soon be here, and so here are some things to look for when checking in at your next home-away-from-home.

1)  There is a cemetery in the back of the parking lot.

2)  The front desk clerk asks you to check your gun.  If you say you don’t have one, he says “Would you like to rent one?”

3)  The brochure says “Exorcism Free for Three Months!”

4)  Your valet driver is Lindsay Lohan.

5)  Housekeepers walk around in Hazmat suits.

6)  At check-in they advise you off the “Dead Hooker Removal” surtax.

7)  The bathroom door has a coin slot lock.

8)  In-room movies consist of a pair of crazy homeless guys acting out scenes from 1980s teen movies.  (If you look closely, you’ll see the crazy homeless guys actually are 1980s teen actors)

9)  You have to cook your own food in the restaurant and Gordon Ramsay stands around and calls you a “stupid donkey!” the whole time.

10)  Your bellman is The Hook.

A Top Ten List From The Hook: Alternatives To The White House Tour.

The budgetary axe fell on Washington tourists last Saturday as the Obama administration cancelled White House tours, citing staffing reductions inspired by automatic budget cuts, known in Washington douche language as the sequester.

Whatever you call them, these cuts, and the president’s decision to direct them at the public by closing off a location their taxes pay for,  have amounted to a public relation disaster for the Obama administration.

Out of concern for my American brethren who have been inconvenienced by the White House closure, I have complied this list of alternatives sites.

1)  The American Museum of Back Hair. Ron Jeremy personally donates thirty pounds a week… Even though they continually ask him to stop.

2)  Bill Clinton’s Cigar Emporium. But be warned: families are encouraged to keep the kids at the hotel….

3)  Dick Cheney’s Wild World of Nature. Three words: duck and cover.

4)  The Monica Lewinsky School for Female Interns. Come to think of it, most of these sites are not exactly kid-friendly. Although, in this day and age, what is?

5)  The Annual Congress Interns’ Hunger Games. They’re not kidding when they say it’s kill or be killed in Washington…

6)  The Hall of Presidential Kidney Stones. See Lyndon B. Johnson, James K. Polk, or even former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove,  in a whole new light.

7)  The Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia Daily Clearing of the Drunk Tank. See political hopefuls, rock stars and even Lindsay Lohan! (Lindsay Lohan subject to sobriety without notice.)

8)  “Shadow A Paparazzi” Tours. Ride along withthe hardworkingmen and women of D.C.’s rag mags as they stalk, follow Washington’s movers and shakers around town…

9)  Visit the traditional tourist spots and take bets on how long it takes your kids to spontaneously combust from boredom. This one is fun for the whole family. Okay, maybe not the whole family…

10)  The Alternative White House Tour. This one is for the truly fearless: get some eggs and aim for… well, anywhere. In roughly three minutes, give or take, the Secret Service should be on-site to give you a tour of the White House few people get to see.  Or get to talk about.

Ten Terrible Job Options For Matt Lauer.

News broke today htat Matt Lauer, currently the host of NBC’s Today show, is being fitted for a regulation network noose. He appears to be the fall guy – and not the cool Lee Majors type, either – for an entire morning show.

Only a week after he signed the most lucrative deal in the 60-year history of boring morning shows, The Today show fell to second place in the ratings.

For the first time in 16 years.

Today’s ratings took an even greater hit when co-host Ann Curry was axed this summer, an act many pinned on Lauer.

Lauer’s “Q Score” —  a measurement of his popularity with the viewing public — has dropped by more than 50% since he first co-hosted with Curry. In September, Lauer’s Q Score was 19. As of January of this year it had plummeted to a nine.

The biggest strike against Lauer, at least in my opinion? Managers at NBC News were told this week that they would receive smaller bonus checks for 2012 because of the Today show ratings slump.

Mess with the revenue flow of a douchebag in a suit and you’re signing your own death warrant, Matt.

Here then, are ten job options for Matt, should the axe truly fall on his ridiculously overpaid neck.

1)  Fox News Corespondent. In spite of everything, he still beats the stuffing out of Sarah Palin.

2)  Handler for Lindsay Lohan. He could ensure she wears panties when she goes out, that she stays on the right side of the road, and he could screen calls from her dad. He could even hold her head up over the toilet as she vomits. Hey, someone has to do it…

3)  Kardashian baby nanny. Someone has to teach the little devil spawn how to be rich and simultaneously unsuccessful.

4)  Wing man for Tiger Woods. I think they’d make quite the pair, don’t you?

5)  Late-night Talk Show host. Jimmy Kimmel appears to be the most reviled host in late-night history and he’s still on the air, so Lauer may be a perfect fit for the job.

6)  Adviser to Kim Jong-Un. North Korea appears to be in the business of creating bombs anyway…

7)  He could headline a new show for HBO. Lauer and Al Roker could star in “No Sex In The City.“

8)  Bicycle-company executive. He could follow  in his late father’s footsteps. Of course, Matt appears to be better at taking the wheels off of things…

9)  Bryant Gumbel’s butler.

10)  Saturday Night Live cast member. He’s already the punchline of many a joke…..

Related articles

• Matt Lauer May Replace Alex Trebek on ‘Jeopardy’ (And The Morning Links) (uproxx.com)
• Ann Curry: Matt Lauer Sucks, But NBC Execs to Blame For Today Debacle (thehollywoodgossip.com)

Ten Terrible Things About… Mondays.

Yes, I know this one is waaay too easy, but I’m going for it anyway.

1)  Our hatred is encoded in our DNA. Your parents hated Mondays. Their parents hated Mondays. In fact, the first amphibious member of your line was killed by a predator on a Monday, so there you go. Its in your blood, so don’t bother fighting it.

2)  Sundays need to be split into two. You party like it’s 1999 – again – on Saturday. So naturally, you’re barely breathing on Sunday and a single day of rest may have been sufficient for the Good Lord, but it just doesn’t cut it for mere mortals. Renaming Monday and calling it Sunday: Part Two, would solve everything.

3)  Hangovers. I’d elaborate, but I have a headache and I’m seeing triple…

4)  Waking up with a stranger. Who hasn’t been there, right? Actually, I haven’t, but it hear it sucks…

5)  They have the worst PR team this side of the Kardashians. Seriously, who doesn’t hate Mondays? They need some serious damage control, STAT!

6)  They are the official day of the kingdom of Hell. I’m fairly certain Lucifer got Mondays as part of his out of court settlement with God. I know I would have surrendered them in a heartbeat if I was the All-Mighty…

7)  I haven’t had a single decent Monday in all my years on this mud-ball. That can’t be a coincidence, right?

8)  Kanye West, Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan were all born on a Monday. Don’t bother checking, it’s the only logical explanation for their collective reign of terror.

9)  You’re too tired to bother reading this entire post. What more can I say

10)  I’m too tired to bother finishing this post. Walk away from the screen and get some rest. You’re tired.

Thirteen Terrible Things to Look Forward to in 2013.

I’m back, folks! On a semi-regular basis, that is. Enjoy.

You know my philosophy, folks, embrace the terrible.

Here are some catastrophes I look forward to in the next twelve months:

1) More Kim Kardashian/Kanye West hijinks. Somehow I doubt that reproducing is going to inspire the First Couple of Drama to evolve in any way.

2) LiLo’s inevitable fate. Lindsay is either going to wind up on her back doing porn or on her back in the morgue. Sad but true. One course correction could change everything, but what are the odds she’s willing to take the high road and be that Golden Girl of Hollywood people were predicting she would be a few years ago?

3) The bacon shortage. I pray this one is empty hyperbole, but experts are still claiming we can expect a shortage and a major bump in price for a breakfast staple that has seen a major surge in popularity in the past year.

4) People that think saying “Thank you” is a sufficient substitute for an actual gratuity. I hate these people. Yes, some of them mean well, but they suck, plain and simple.

5) More Honey Boo Boo. If you haven’t seen this televised spectacle that qualifies as child abuse in my book, KEEP IT THAT WAY! Trust me, you’ll want to gouge your eyes out with a spork…

6) The next wave of reality show madness. What’s next? Real Bellmen of Niagara Falls? Hey, wait a minute…

7) The ongoing showdown between the NRA and the rest of the United States of America. I’m not politically-minded, but even I know this issue boils down to one simple fact: there are too many military-issue guns in America and innocents are paying the price. Period.

8) The next hit from Psy. You know its coming. Even if it doesn’t generate the numbers of his last one – I refuse to type those words this year – you know the initial surge will be strong.

9) More Bieber spin-offs. We’ve had the cologne, bedding, etc. What’s next? Bieber brand condoms? Like the ones his mom should have used, maybe?

10) Overblown media coverage of… well, any major event, really. I love the media, I really do. But networks like CNN have a knack for transforming a bee sting into “The Killer Swarm of 2013!” We need to demand competent coverage of valid events, people. Enough with the hysteria!

11) My daughter’s continued evolution. My little girl is growing up. It sucks. Hey, my blog, my rules.

12) More rejection letters/e-mails from publishers and agents. Oh wait a minute, this one is Hook-specific….

13) All the mistakes we’re going to make this year. And yes, there will be millions of them.

Happy 2013! (Photo credit: Roel)

 

CHECK THIS OUT, FOLKS!

Jessica Stilwell started out as the face of fed-up and put-upon mothers everywhere – you can read an abridged version of her story here – but she’s come a long way, baby! You get bonus points if you got that reference, by the way.

At any rate, check out her blog, Crazy Working Mom: Diary of a mother on the brink of snapping!

Jessica is discovering her “writing voice”, one that extends beyond the scope of her first adventure. Personally, I’m enjoying watching her metamorphosis. I think you will too.

 

 

 

#17: Spoilers!

In my day, all you had to worry about was some jerk exiting a movie theatre yelling something like, “Darth Vader is Luke’s father!”

In this day and age Wikipedia will have the entire plot posted before the first showing! The internet allows us to expand the boundaries of our knowledge in any way we choose. We can upgrade our intellectual knowledge from the comfort of our home or we can fill our heads with even more cultural junk food.

Of course, the pursuit of all things trivial has proven to be the more popular of the two and so millions of people, young and old surf the web daily, hungry for info on their favorite hobby.

Can’t wait to see if Sam ans Dean escape those Lindsay Lohan look-alike lesbian vampires on Supernatural this week? Just check out spoilersguide.com!

Image by JMiu via Flickr

 What about the latest George Clooney flick? Will he smile so hard he actually fractures his face? Head over to The Movie Spoiler and find out! DO IT NOW!

Or if you prefer to experience the subject matter in the manner it was meant to be enjoyed, with a mixture of youthful curiosity and just a touch of unnerving suspense… stay away from spoilers! Personally, I don’t mind a little advance knowledge; it doesn’t impair my enjoyment in the least, but I’m in the minority. There are, however, exceptions.

I remember consulting Wikipedia for the differences between the film and print versions of The Mist, only to be thoroughly disgusted by the ridiculous – in my opinion – ending. So disgusted, in fact, that I skipped the film – and any enjoyment I would have experienced – all together. 

Perhaps I should reconsider my spoiler policy…

Related articles

• Video: Spoilers for Supernatural – Shut Up Dr. Phil Episode Preview (houseofvampires.wordpress.com)
• ‘Supernatural’ Spoilers: What Just Happened? (aoltv.com)
• Spoiler Alert: You Don’t Need Spoilers (npr.org)
• Let’s talk spoilers (thundiesprattle.com)

Overexposed Celebrities Are Media Cancer!

Image via Wikipedia

Lohan, Sheen, Fey, Winfrey.

Even if you’ve been living under a rock without wi-fi, you know who they are. The media has made damn sure of that.

Even though the Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen train wrecks appear to slowed down, the Tina Fey express has been shamelessly thundering along for weeks.

“She writes hit movies and television shows! She impersonates crazy politicians! She pens best sellers celebrating her greatness!’

Yeah, yeah, she’s great, just ask her.

Of course, all three are lightweights compared to the Queen of All Media and soon the universe, no doubt. The media loves to exploit celebrites, but Oprah is the mistress of self-exploitation.

Now that  Oprah‘s “last” show has aired, we can expect to see her smiling face EVERYWHERE. But let’s be clear, her brand now has its own network, a more suitable platform from which to launch the final stage in her plan for world domination.

Image via Wikipedia

 

It began with free swag for the audience, then she told people everywhere what to read.

 Then she recruited experts in various fields, had them sign their souls away, and molded them into celebrity gurus.

Next she built a school to mold the next generation of “little Oprahs” (Which is an  oxymoron if you think about it!) and now she’s going toe-to-toe with the network douchebags for supremacy of the airwaves.

I realize millions of people love her and have benefited from her efforts, but as for those of us who refuse to pledge allegiance to the Oprah flag, I’m afraid we’re out of luck.

She owns us already, we just haven’t found the brand on our scalp yet.

Related articles

• How’s That for Overexposed? Lindsay Loses Her Bikini Top…Again (eonline.com)
• ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ Ends (huffingtonpost.com)
• Oprah finale devoted to fans, her ‘safe harbor’ (thegrio.com)

Charlie Won’t Shut Up And Oscar Failed To Entertain!

He’s experiencing a renaissance most actors can only dream of: after years of bad movies, a hit first-run television sitcom falls in his lap, beautiful women with no inhibitions or self-esteem are throwing themselves at him like tweens on a lock of Justin Bieber’s hair and he has more money than God!

Why then does Charlie Sheen insist on sabotaging a role that only requires he show up on time and play himself for a few weeks a year?

In an interview with NBC’s Jeff Rossen that aired on TODAY Monday morning, Sheen put himself in a select Hollywood group that includes the late Farrah Fawcett and Joaquin Phoenix. Namely, actors that seem hell-bent on destroying their legacy of solid performances with erratic, self-destructive behaviour.

Sheen lashed out at his Two and a Half Men co-stars, who their credit, have been unusually silent so far,  “It’s everybody thinks I should be begging for my job back, and I’m just going to forewarn them that it’s everybody else that’s going to be begging me for their job back.”

And he even took cheap shots at total strangers, claiming he is nothing like the average addict or alcoholic, who he says lack his strength of character, describing them as “fools, trolls. Weak. Defeated. They allowed defeat to be an option. I will not.”

The interview just gets weirder and more pathetic from there and Today is planning on airing more tomorrow morning. I’m betting they stretch the whole thing out for a week; Charlie’s latest meltdown is ratings gold.

And of course TMZ.com was all over the story, with Sheen actually granting them a poolside interview after Today! Unfortunately, it cost him his longtime publicist Stan Rosenfield, who resigned immediately after and issued the following statement: “I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much. However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned.”

Lindsay Lohan is going to have to launch a career as a girls-only porn star to top this one.

Speaking of lesbians, Anne Hathaway made a lesbian joke at the Oscars that fell flat, as did the opening sequence that completely ripped off Billy Crystal’s innovative routine from years gone by. There’s talk of bringing actual comedians back into the fold next year, (something they probably would have done if the Academy wasn’t so afraid of another Ricky Gervais incident) but we’ll have to see.

It was pretty cool that Hollywood vet Kirk Douglas stole the show (and after a stroke no less!) and proved ad-libbing beats the hell out of the work of a bunch of sweaty geeks who still live in their mom’s basement!

Personally, I thought Hathaway and James Franco did a solid job in roles that are always hit and miss at best. They should have pulled a Gervais and just cut loose on their fellow stars – the public would have loved it and screw the celebrities who can’t laugh at themselves! If the Academy want the Oscars to survive they’re going to have to take drastic action.

I’m sure they can land Charlie Sheen for next year’s broadcast.

COSTUMES LIKE THIS AND THE RATINGS STILL SUCKED?

Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen On “The TODAY Show” VIDEO (popcrunch.com)
• The Most Insane Quotes From Charlie Sheen’s TMZ Interview (crushable.com)
• Did Charlie Sheen Upstage The Academy Awards? (sbnation.com)
• The Morning Fix: ‘King’s Speech’ makes lots of speeches at Oscars! Charlie Sheen won’t shut up. (latimesblogs.latimes.com)