Lesser Known Kardashian Relatives

What can I say?  People love to read about the crazy Ks…

1)  Khlamydia Kardashian.

2)  Kamouflage Kardashian.  (Its funny, but no one ever sees her…)

3)  Androgynous Kardashian.   (He/She is a living doll. Literally!)

4)  Kinky Kardashian.   (Fittingly, no one’s ever seen her face.)

5)  Lucid Kardashian.  (No one believes in this Kardashian.)

6)  Kitty-Cat Kardashian.  (It may not be funny, but it’s fun to say.)

7)  Crash Kardashian.

8)  Senile Kardashian.  (Known in the family as “Kris” or”Mom”.)

9)  Nutty as Fruitcake Kardashian.  (Otherwise known as “Kim”.)

English: Kim Kardashian, taken at the unveiling of her Madame Tussaud’s wax figure. (You can see the figure’s elbow at the far right) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

10)  Comatose Kardashian.  (INSERT JOKE HERE. I’m beat!)

Ten Possible Explanations For Justin Bieber’s All-Too Public Meltdown.

While I’m certainly not a fan of “The Biebs” (to say the least), I’m not buying the authenticity of his current meltdown – the kid needs a few pointers from Charlie Sheen on how to burn out in style.

His latest fiasco, involving an airplane and a pet primate, is pathetic, rather than legendary.

What’s wrong with pop stars today, folks?

But I digress.

Here are ten possible reasons for Bieber’s current woes:

1)  Inferior hair products have seeped into his Frontal Lobe.

2)  His new head of PR? Michael Lohan.

3)  Too many late-night mentoring sessions with Kim Kardashian.

4)  Selena Gomez forgot to return his balls after their latest break-up.

5)  His Big Brother? Chris Brown.

6)  He knows I need blog fodder. Thanks, young lady.

7)  Being surrounded by impotent “Yes Men” and overpaid, blood-sucking handlers and seemingly-invisible parental figures makes one a complete douchebag. Go figure?

8)  Exposure to billions of flashbulbs has burned out every synapse that suppresses stereotypical celebrity behavior.

9)  He’s a whiny bitch.

10)  He’s never had to work a day in his life.  Justin went from being an unemployed teenage boy with no developed work ethic to being a ridiculously wealthy teenage girl with no work ethic.  Bieber appears to live in a bubble and as such, has no clue what it means to be a mature, productive member of a civilized society.

On a personal note, celebrities kill me with their elitist behavior – which we, as a society, have created with our unjustified worship. Do these people really think the authorities have nothing better to do with their time than police stars run amok?

I’ve never been more grateful to be nobody….

Ten Things, I, The Hook, Would Do If I Was a Supervillian.

It is “New Comic Book Day Wednesday”, a date celebrated and revered by fan boys and girls all over North America, and so I present to you a fan boy-inspired list.

1)  Blow Up Vegas.  Only when Céline was scheduled to play, of course.

2)  Set a pack of armed, genetically-engineered quail loose on Dick Cheney’s unarmed ass.  Let’s see how he likes it….

3)  Lock Kim, Kardashian in a room with a pack of feminists.   They don’t need to be armed or mutated to be deadly.

4)  Blow up Justin Bieber’s “Batmobile”.

5)  Blow up Justin Bieber.  You knew this was coming, right. Let’s face it, this would actually be considered this an act of heroism….

6)  Turn every member of the Ku Klux Klan’s skin black – permanently.

7)  Create a super computer with world-wide monitoring systems. Every time a child – or anyone for that matter – was bullied, the system would switch the bully’s personality with that of their victim. The results would be enlightening to say the least…

8)  Tie Chris Brown to a lamp post anywhere in the world and let nature take its course.  I hate that guy. Even the Nazis would have hated that guy.

9)  Use a time machine to prevent the creation of reality television. Yes, there are some genuine gems out there, but overall, it is a blight upon humanity.

10)  Create actual Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Which I would then teleport to George W. Bush’s front lawn…

Ten Terrible Things About… Top Ten Lists.

1)  It has always been my understanding that there would be no math. Math makes my head hurt.

2)  Being clever once is tough enough, never mind ten times.

3)  Letterman gets the best material. Its all politics….

4)  You can only write about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West so often, then the universe punishes you with bad karma.

5)  I find it hard to maintain focus when… what was I saying?

6)  Eventually your audience sees through the charade and realizes top ten lists are simply an easy way to fill space and free up time for your true passion: fronting a Justin Bieber tribute band.

7)  Commitment has never been my strong suit.

8)  My average reader stops reading my lists once they realize this isn’t Le Clown’s blog…

9)  At this point,  I usually rethink my entire life, especially my decision not to write a blog devoted to knitting superhero outfits for cats.

10)  I got nothin’. I told you composing top ten lists was difficult…

Ten Terrible Things About… Writer’s Block.

Yes, The Hook is blocked. Apparently I consumed too much “mental cheese” and now I have to use an old blogging trick and write about being unable to write.

So here we go.

1)  When you’re blocked you find yourself surfing celebrity gossip sites and you come across a pic of Kim Kardashian’s baby bump. Earlier this week, Kim  told Jimmy Kimmel that she and baby daddy Kanye West plan to keep the baby “as private as possible.” And then she releases a posed, professional pic of her bump….

Kim Kardashian is God’s gift to paparazzi, bloggers and anyone who loves vapid, brain dead celebrities…

2)  Writer’s block makes you question your creative process. “Snooki can “write” a book, but I can’t come up with an original idea for a post?” What the hell?

3)  You can only write about not being able to write for so long… Then you have to pony up and actually write something original. That sucks.

4)  Being blocked hurts my frontal lobe. I hare when my frontal  lobe aches…

5)  Your keyboard mocks you like a sex-starved wife mocks her impotent husband. Great imagery, right?

6)  You consider launching a new blog dedicated solely to pictures of Alaskan snowstorms…

7)  Searching the web for ideas takes you to dark places… Like this.

8) You consider writing a post consisting entirely of the most popular search items that lead people to your blog. Like these:

Search	Views
kim kardashian naked	4
meghan fox classy	4
porno kim kardashian	2
kim kardashian pictures	2
kim kardashian playboy	2
kim kardashian no clothes	2
mutt lange and marie-anne thiebaud married	2
celebrities no clothes	1
porno sex pull	1

9)  You didn’t actually think I was going to finish this post, did you? I’m blocked bitches!

Ten Terrible Things About… Traveling

Let’s face it, traveling can be a right pain in the ass. Funny thing for a bellman to say, right?

Nevertheless, here are a mere ten reasons why venturing out into the world is sometimes a very bad idea…

1) Crazy cougars. Forty-something females who have pledged allegiance to the First Church of Fifty Shades like to roam in packs and believe me, they’re not exactly wallflowers. I’ve seen parents grab their children and hold them close, fearful of just what might happen to Little Emily’s fragile psyche after exposure to a group of hyperactive, under-sexed cougars circling a male hotel staff member….

2) Lines. That. Just. Don’t End. Waiting sucks. Whether you’re in line at the airport, a car rental agency and especially a hotel front desk, your nerves are going to fray eventually. But God help you if you leave that line; you’ll just have to rejoin it sooner or later, and if you wait too long, you’ll wind up stranded, driving a beater or sleeping in the worst room in the hotel…

3) “Are we there yet?” Apparently that never gets old.

4) Gas station restrooms. Apparently they never get cleaned. Ever. I keep expecting to see guys in Hazmat descending upon Chevron stations everywhere.

5) Bed bugs. I’ve been fortunate to never have encountered one of these rascals in  my fifteen years as a bellman, but they’re out there folks, ready to pounce on you like Kim Kardashian on Kanye West. And trust me, the effects are just as disastrous.

6) Hotel pillows. They just don’t feel the same, right? A word to the wise: if you feel compelled to bring your own pillow, in the name of all that is good and holy, put it in a bag! Every single day I have to handle some schmuck’s germ covered, dirty pillow and it just creeps me out! And its not healthy for them either.

7) Families that make the Lohans look well-adjusted. The average family’s collective autobiography should be titled “An Indictment of the North American Educational System.” Steer clear of these window lickers, folks..

8) Highways that make the surface of the Moon look smooth. I think if I had to do it over, I’d start a tow truck business…

9) The price of gas. You have to sell a kidney to fill your tank these days. A word to the wise: don’t sell your own kidney…

10) Leaving your home. Have you seen the world these days?  Travelers have to deal with, in no particular order:

• Cities that smell like Roman vomitoriums.
• Drivers that have graduated from the Death Race School for Motorists.
• Hotel rates that would give Trump case for concern.
• Restaurants that are more concerned with gouging you rather than feeding you. Those folks on Kitchen Nightmares aren’t alone in their approach to hygiene and culinary standards, believe me…

And finally, there’s the dreaded X-Factor. And no, I’m not referring to the American Idol rip-off hosted by that master of judging disaster, Simon Cowell. I’m referring to the seemingly-endless array of unforeseen expenses and mini-disasters that Fate sees fit to throw at us while we attempt to enjoy our time away from the rat race. Never mind that most travelers truly cannot afford to throw a few thousand dollars away on a trip to some tacky tourist trap, they really can’t afford to pay for a blown transmission or an out-of-country medical emergency.

A word to the wise: stay home!

Ten Terrible Things About The Flu.

I know what you’re thinking: “Just ten, Hook?”

Let me explain: My family has been laid very low by the dreaded bio-scourge known as influenza and I’ve had to take time off work and life in general to care for them. I’m happy to do so – my wife has made many sacrifices for me in the past, for example, marrying me – and so my creative energies and blogging workload have suffered.

Regardless, here are a few things I truly hate about the flu…

1) It wreaks havoc with your gastropod-intestinal system. I don’t know about you, but I love to eat. However, the flu is not a big fan of food, and so its message to its victims is clear: “Good luck keeping anything down for days, you poor buggers! By the time I get through with you, you’ll look make Kate Moss look heavy!”

2) It forces you to” vacate the premises” – from both ends! I hate to type the words “diarrhea” and “vomit”, never mind experience them..

3) Fever-induced dreams are just plain weird. I’m still in therapy from my last flu-inspired vignette. You would be too if you were being chased by a creature with Kim Kardashian’s head on Martha Stewart’s body…

4) Missing school. Courtesy of my fourteen-year-old daughter. Yes, the kid actually loves high school. I assume she gets that from her mother….

5) Being surrounded by life’s “special folk”. I’ve spent the last few days visiting my father-in-law in the hospital as well as waiting with my daughter in the emergency ward. Forget reality shows like Honey Boo Boo, people; the real freak show is running 24/7 in your local ER….

6) You need to sell a kidney to fund your treatment. Hospital parking, drugs, missed wages, sundries, etc. I’m broke, bitches!

7) Your throat become hyper-sensitive – to say the least! Everything you drink tastes like a glass of.. well, glass! Need I say more?

8) There’s precious little time left over for the things that really matter. Like blogging, for example.

9) It’s hard to enjoy “special time with your spouse”. Unless you’re a truly sick puppy, you really don’t want anything to do with your love when they’re coughing up blood and rivers of mucus flow from their nostrils. Pretty picture, isn’t it? But if Patient Zero needs some reassuring, you really have no choice. Buckle up, buddy; it’s going to be a wild ride…

10) It severs your connection to the world. Admit it, when you’re flu-stricken, you feel like an extra on The Walking Dead, right? Your ears are plugged, you can’t breathe, you just can’t function. Personally, I think this new “super-bug” strain is the direct result of Kim Kardashian’s catastrophic decision to reproduce by carrying Kanye West’s angry seed.  Of course, I have no scientific evidence to back me up so I now sound like a conspiracy nut.

But let’s just chalk that up to exposure to the flu,okay?

Related articles

• FLU: Flu facts; family protection; and alternative medicines (browardnetonline.com)

Thirteen Terrible Things to Look Forward to in 2013.

I’m back, folks! On a semi-regular basis, that is. Enjoy.

You know my philosophy, folks, embrace the terrible.

Here are some catastrophes I look forward to in the next twelve months:

1) More Kim Kardashian/Kanye West hijinks. Somehow I doubt that reproducing is going to inspire the First Couple of Drama to evolve in any way.

2) LiLo’s inevitable fate. Lindsay is either going to wind up on her back doing porn or on her back in the morgue. Sad but true. One course correction could change everything, but what are the odds she’s willing to take the high road and be that Golden Girl of Hollywood people were predicting she would be a few years ago?

3) The bacon shortage. I pray this one is empty hyperbole, but experts are still claiming we can expect a shortage and a major bump in price for a breakfast staple that has seen a major surge in popularity in the past year.

4) People that think saying “Thank you” is a sufficient substitute for an actual gratuity. I hate these people. Yes, some of them mean well, but they suck, plain and simple.

5) More Honey Boo Boo. If you haven’t seen this televised spectacle that qualifies as child abuse in my book, KEEP IT THAT WAY! Trust me, you’ll want to gouge your eyes out with a spork…

6) The next wave of reality show madness. What’s next? Real Bellmen of Niagara Falls? Hey, wait a minute…

7) The ongoing showdown between the NRA and the rest of the United States of America. I’m not politically-minded, but even I know this issue boils down to one simple fact: there are too many military-issue guns in America and innocents are paying the price. Period.

8) The next hit from Psy. You know its coming. Even if it doesn’t generate the numbers of his last one – I refuse to type those words this year – you know the initial surge will be strong.

9) More Bieber spin-offs. We’ve had the cologne, bedding, etc. What’s next? Bieber brand condoms? Like the ones his mom should have used, maybe?

10) Overblown media coverage of… well, any major event, really. I love the media, I really do. But networks like CNN have a knack for transforming a bee sting into “The Killer Swarm of 2013!” We need to demand competent coverage of valid events, people. Enough with the hysteria!

11) My daughter’s continued evolution. My little girl is growing up. It sucks. Hey, my blog, my rules.

12) More rejection letters/e-mails from publishers and agents. Oh wait a minute, this one is Hook-specific….

13) All the mistakes we’re going to make this year. And yes, there will be millions of them.

Happy 2013! (Photo credit: Roel)

 

CHECK THIS OUT, FOLKS!

Jessica Stilwell started out as the face of fed-up and put-upon mothers everywhere – you can read an abridged version of her story here – but she’s come a long way, baby! You get bonus points if you got that reference, by the way.

At any rate, check out her blog, Crazy Working Mom: Diary of a mother on the brink of snapping!

Jessica is discovering her “writing voice”, one that extends beyond the scope of her first adventure. Personally, I’m enjoying watching her metamorphosis. I think you will too.

 

 

 

Ten Terrible Things About… Kim Kardashian

Time for a new format, kids!

And who better to kick off this “love-fest” than everyone’s favorite vapid, dead-eyed debutante, the L’il Kim of the tabloids, Kim Kardshian? Here we go…

1. First she made her father’s corpse spin itself right out of the grave, now she makes his ghost cry every day. 
2. She Tweets things like, “Mom- want any coffee? Me- yes please Mom- how do u take it? Me- half coffee half milk. Just make it the color of what my kid would be”
3. Her Twitter account has 16,240,155 followers. People won’t vote, but they’ll log onto the ‘net to see what Kim K has to say..
4. She enjoys being photographed  with her sisters in semi-incestuous poses… 
5. Paris Hilton used to be her best friend and is directly responsible for unleashing her upon the world. Kardashian followed Hilton’s “career” to a “T”:  hit the socialite scene, release a tape depicting a nobody violating you in a variety of poses and score your own reality show. This yet another reason that historians will view Paris Hilton as one of history’s greatest monsters…
6. Along with her family she has starred in eighteen different reality shows (at least it feels that way!), each one worse than the last.
7. She released her own fragrance, thus ensuring females all over the world  could walk around smelling slutty – and stupid.
8. She is a role model to millions of little girls. Just think about that for a moment. Most kids don’t even know who Rosa Parks is, but they want to be like Kim Kardashian.
9. Fueled by obvious jealousy of “Wills and Kate”, she married NBA player Kris Humphries after a four-month courtship and convinced people it would be an event worth watching. She pulled off one of the biggest and most commercially successful television scams of all time by convincing E! network execs to film a  two-part TV special showing both the preparations and the wedding itself.  After 72 days of “marriage”, Kardashian filed for divorce from Humphries on October 31, 2011, citing irreconcilable differences – and severe boredom. Okay,  I may be wrong about the last part, but I stand by my statement…
10. She is one-half of one of the worst celebrity couples of all time. Not only has she stroked Kanye West’s already out-of-control ego to Godzilla-like proportions, but now there are reports that she wants to become a wife for the third time! A friend of West told HollywoodLife.com: “Kim is really showing Kanye she’s his perfect bitch. She’s been down for him, doing everything for him. Ironing his clothes, cooking for him, pampering the man!” Isn’t it funny how these supposed “friends” are always available to talk to tabloids and websites?

MOVING ON…

I have the best readers in the world.

• When I asked you to read my blog, you answered: I have over 1,000 readers between both blogs!
• When I asked you to download my book, you did so: 6,059 downloads in total!
• You even sent your good wishes my way when I was stricken down with the flu.

Now I need your help again. I know, I know, I’m needy…

Steven and Chris is a Canadian talk show that covers all the bases, from cooking, home decor (both hosts are design gurus), fashion, health to the usual celebrity appearances. Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman never acknowledge it on-screen, but they’re a couple – and it shows! Their chemistry sets the show apart from the pack (it seems like there is a million talk shows out there these days, right?) and millions of Canadians – of both genders – love them.

Naturally, an appearance on their show would breathe life into my barely-breathing writing career. And so I turn to you.

I need your help to convince the powers-that-be at Steven and Chris that The Hook would make a worthwhile guest. I may not seem like an ideal fit for their genre, but I guarantee every single member of their audience has stayed in a hotel at least once in the past. My work appeals to EVERYONE. I just need to convince Steven and Chris of that!

stevenandchris@cbc.ca is their e-mail address and I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a short statement that you can “cut and paste”. I can be very thoughtful sometimes, right?

I am a fan of the Canadian bellman/author Robert Hookey, also known as “The Hook”. I think his particular brand of humor would appeal to your audience. His first book, The Bellman Chronicles, contains subject matter that everyone can relate to. Not only that, he’s housebroken, which is always a plus…

Appearing on this show would launch me to a whole other level – and hopefully allow me to sell more than 100 books! Perhaps I could even eat at a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru window… Maybe.

I’d also like to extend an offer to anyone who decides to give me a few minutes of their time; if you can spare some time to help me out, I’d be open to hosting a guest post. If anyone has a tale of a vacation gone awry, or anything funny, let me know!

Thank you in advance, folks. You rock.

ONCE UPON A TIME… A NEW FAN PAGE WAS BORN!

It must run in the family. The Hook’s daughter has developed a taste for sci-fi/fantasy and so she has launched her own Facebook fan page for the ABC drama Once Upon A Time.

Fans of Once Upon A Time is a labor of love – and it shows. Check it out: fans of Tom Welling – and I know there are quite a few of you out there – will be pleased to see he’ll be making an appearance this season.

The bottom line is this: my daughter wants to rack up as many “likes” as she can, so help her out, okay?

TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Is Kim Kardashian Pregnant? (gossipcop.com)
• Kim Kardashian Names New Cat Mercy After Kanye West Song (hollywoodlife.com)
• A “Queeb tax”? What’s Next? A “Courtesy Toll”? (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)

#104: Mondays With The Kardashians!

Yes, Mondays suck no matter what… That’s a given.

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

But when I get into an elevator with a hotel guest who insists on blathering on about the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I suddenly realize that Mondays are cursed…

“Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a makeover by throwing out all the clothes from her ‘ghetto’ closet.” The best part? This statement came from the white bread mouth of the most homogenized twelve-year-old girl I’ve ever seen…

Her long-suffering parents just rolled their eyes as their progeny continued.

Kim was like “Kanye has definitely inspired me to wanna, like, be a little bit more of an individual. Life is about “evolving and changing.” she gushed, “And then Khloe freaked out that Kim was donating her clothes. And then Oprah interviewed everyone.”

The little girl then exploded from sensory overload. Okay, not really, but I can dream, right?

“Oprah interviewed the Kardashians? I liked her better when she was white.” was Dad’s response to all the drama. A classic Dad response, right?

As for this dad, I wanted to enlighten the little girl – by shaking her until her head popped off – but I’m hamstrung by professional ethics. And the law, of course. Her parents faces told the story: they gave up on setting their little darling straight long ago. She was another Kardashian zombie and nothing would change that.

I also wanted to charge her parents for my time. NO ONE should have to start their Monday with the Kardashians. NO ONE….

AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!

Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!

More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!

AND FINALLY….

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Keeping Up With the Kardashians Recap: It’s Oprah! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Kanye West Makes Kim Kardashian Throw Out All Her Clothes (VIDEO) (gossipcop.com)