Top Ten Purchases I Would Make If I Won The Biggest Powerball Jackpot In US History.

An 84-year-old Zephyrhills woman stepped forward Wednesday as the winner of the largest single jackpot in American lottery history, valued at $590.5 million.

Of course, the winner has opted to take a  lump sum payment of more than $370 million, before taxes, but that’s still not chicken feed.

Shortly after claiming her prize, Gloria C. MacKenzie spontaneously combusted. Her children were quoted as saying “We feel real bad for whats-her-name. Truly.” They then purchased lavish RVs/homes and headed for Las Vegas.

Okay, I made that last part up, but I bet most of you were fooled for a moment, right?

Moving on…

1)  Hired muscle.  I would hire Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to accompany me during my rounds as a bellman – it would be much more fun to continue to work and soak up the delicious experiences life a s a bellman provides rather than quit – and intimidate guests into tipping me large.

2)  A new ending for The Sopranos.  David Chase would draft a coherent alternate ending that would become canon and finally erase the stench of the original mind-fuck HBO fed to viewers.

3)  A ghost tweeter.  Kelly Oxford rose to fame via her tweeting skills. If I could afford those skills, Twitter would be my playground, bitches.

4)  The spawn of Kim Kardashian And Kanye West.  Don’t kid yourself; they’d sell anything for the right price. I’d set the kid up with a new home, perhaps with a family that doesn’t watch television…

5)  The home addresses of every member of the Ku Klux Klan – and one million Shih Tzus, trained to kill upon my command. You do the math.

6)  A time machine – set to the coordinates of Justin Bieber’s conception. You do the math… again.

7)  A monkey.  (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)

8)  I would deliver Joel Schumacher to a convention hall filled with Batman purists. (Hardcore nerds will understand this one.)

9)  I would purchase a private island, à la Lost, which I would fill with ungrateful celebrities, lawyers, fat cat CEOs and certain pop stars. In other words, douchebags. 

10)  The most powerful lawyers in the world. (Yes, I’m a walking mass of contradictions.) But I’d need lawyers to sue the pants off of every director that ever disappointed me at the box office. And I’d use my soul-crushing legal army to squash every frivolous lawsuit out here.  (Again, I’m a walking mass of contradictions, okay?)

Lauryn Hill is Just The Tip Of The Iceberg…

Singer Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in prison for failing to pay taxes on about $1 million in earnings.

Bad, Lauryn!

This situation, and Hill’s hubris (you can’t hide from the Tax man, girl!), got me thinking.

Don’t worry, it only hurt a little.

Here are some charges I feel should be leveled against other celebrities for their many crimes against the United States and humanity in general.

1)  Lindsay Lohan:  Domestic terrorism. Let’s face it, she’s hit just about every moving vehicle in the US by now; there has to be a hidden agenda here. No one is that foolish or reckless, right?

2)  Charlie Sheen:  How much time do you have?

3)  Carly Rae Jepsen:  Noise pollution. That damn song makes my ears bleed.

4)  Justin Bieber:  Primate smuggling and impersonating a teenage lesbian.

5)  Reese Witherspoon:  Polluting the internet with stories of the most dumbass arrest ever! And yes, Reese, I know your name.

6)  The entire Kardashian clan:  Crimes against humanity too numerous to mention, ‘natch.

7)  Chris Brown:  Being a disgrace to everyone with a penis.

8)  Rihanna:  Aiding and abetting Chris Brown. I swear, smoking hot looks are wasted on the beautiful. Rihanna has proven herself to be a danger to herself and others and must be stopped.

9)  Gary Busey:  Simply put, he’s going to hurt himself. Period.

10)  Tom Cruise:  His ego has been violating United States airspace restrictions for decades and is threatening to disrupt weather patterns and may even plunge the planet into another ice age. I love your work, Tom, but come on!

Job Opportunities For Justin Bieber’s Monkey.

Pop superstar Justin Bieber (or as a teenage girl I met today described him, “that colossal asshat with the gay hair.”), has relinquished rights to his capuchin monkey, Mally, according to German authorities.

Mally was only 14-weeks old when Bieber attempted to bring the primate into the country illegally while on tour. As if the Germans haven’t suffered enough….

The sanctuary where Mally is being kept has now received two emails from Scooter Braun, Bieber’s manager. (Who the hell names their kid Scooter? Then again, having a manager named Scooter fits Bieber’s man-child image, doesn’t it?)

The first inquiry asked how long it would be before Mally would be euthanized. After discovering German shelters do not put down animals – especially those who are found to have been subjected to cruel and unusual punishment such as being owned by pop stars – Braun asked the shelter “Would you happen to have any recommendations for places that Mally would be safe and thrive?”

And so Mally has been cast out into a sometimes cold and uncaring world. Personally, I have given the matter some thought (What else am I going to do during an eleven-hour shift in a Niagara Falls hotel during the off-season? Not work, that’s for sure!)

Here are some possibilities for gainful employment that Mally may want to explore.

1)  Bodyguard for Reese Witherspoon.  (She could train Mally to attack cops on command!)

2)  PR agent for Reese Witherspoon.  (I imagine Reese’s current PR flake isn’t long for this world.)

3)  Anchorperson.  (Molly can’t do any worse than that poor schmuck who cursed on-air.)

4)  Pop star.  (A screeching monkey can’t sound any worse than Bieber.)

5)  Walmart greeter.

6)  Legal representation for Lindsay Lohan.  (Once again, Mally couldn’t do any worse than Lohan’s current lawyer.)

7)  Fry cook at Denny’s.

8)  Entrée at Denny’s.

9)  Running Mate for Sarah Palin 2016 presidential run.

10)  Major league baseball pitcher.  (Think about it: a monkey has to have a decent pitching arm, right?)

Good luck, Mally. If worse comes to worse, you can always become a bellman. (Trust me, you’re overqualified.)

Ten Things, I, The Hook, Would Do If I Was a Supervillian.

It is “New Comic Book Day Wednesday”, a date celebrated and revered by fan boys and girls all over North America, and so I present to you a fan boy-inspired list.

1)  Blow Up Vegas.  Only when Céline was scheduled to play, of course.

2)  Set a pack of armed, genetically-engineered quail loose on Dick Cheney’s unarmed ass.  Let’s see how he likes it….

3)  Lock Kim, Kardashian in a room with a pack of feminists.   They don’t need to be armed or mutated to be deadly.

4)  Blow up Justin Bieber’s “Batmobile”.

5)  Blow up Justin Bieber.  You knew this was coming, right. Let’s face it, this would actually be considered this an act of heroism….

6)  Turn every member of the Ku Klux Klan’s skin black – permanently.

7)  Create a super computer with world-wide monitoring systems. Every time a child – or anyone for that matter – was bullied, the system would switch the bully’s personality with that of their victim. The results would be enlightening to say the least…

8)  Tie Chris Brown to a lamp post anywhere in the world and let nature take its course.  I hate that guy. Even the Nazis would have hated that guy.

9)  Use a time machine to prevent the creation of reality television. Yes, there are some genuine gems out there, but overall, it is a blight upon humanity.

10)  Create actual Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Which I would then teleport to George W. Bush’s front lawn…

#138: Three More Years of the Kardashians?

It’s true. The worst-case scenario has come to  pass…

The Kardashian clan has signed a deal to broadcast their ongoing crime spree for three more years. Yes, I said “crime spree”; if their show is not evidence of crimes against humanity, then I really don’t know what to say anymore.

On  second thought, I know exactly what to say.

I don’t know a single soul who watches this garbage, but  millions of people do and a large number of them are little girls.

Our little girls are being influenced on a deep level by people like this…

Yes, there are probably bigger targets out there for me to pick on, but I refuse to let this cult/family get away with their litany of crimes against television and all media in general.

And do you know what sickens me most of all? Bruce Jenner is a Kardashian, only by unholy union, but a Kardashian nonetheless. When I was a boy, Bruce Jenner was an idol to millions of aspiring athletes.

Now I cannot even stand to look at him. I refuse to believe there isn’t a single soul at an entire network who is willing to stand up and speak the truth about the Kardashians.

If they want to ruin their own lives, that’s their God-given right. But why can’t they leave the rest of us alone?

Justin Bieber is enough of a modern-day plague, isn’t he?

Related articles

• KARDASHIAN TV DEAL: $40 Million for 3 More Seasons (blippitt.com)
• ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ Renewed for Three More Seasons (worldaccordingtomonte.com)
• Bruce Jenner Is ‘Not That Excited’ About Kimye (huffingtonpost.com)
• Bruce Jenner Talks About Kim Kardashian & Kanye West: “I’m Not That Excited” (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#143: Zombies.

The Walking Dead (Photo credit: Med PhotoBlog)

I can only imagine the uproar this title has caused across the “interweb”.

To be clear, I’m not referring to the undead horde that rampages across AMC’s television masterpiece, The Walking Dead, my focus today is on the millions of living – but just barely – human beings who choose to waste their lives by never realizing their full potential. Look closely and you can actually see the neurons burning out in their eyes.

Most of them don’t even try. You can find them in every corner of our society…

• The educational system. And it’s not just the students; have you seen some of the teachers lumbering through school hallways these days?
• Politics. Sarah Palin anyone? And she’s armed!
• Teenagers. Of course, they could always outgrow their infection… hopefully!
• Reality television. Kate Gosselin, anyone? And she’s reproduced!
• The Kardashians. They transcend traditional categorization but they’re evolutionary throwbacks who threaten the very fabric of our society. As you may have guessed, I’m not a fan…
• Music. The list is seemingly endless; Jessica Simpson, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, etc.

I could go on, but I need to get busy drafting an online petition allowing for a government sanctioned “living zombie culling”.

I think its about time, don’t you?

Related articles

• Zombie Fight! British Mall Offers 4-Hour Walker Hunt Experience (inquisitr.com)
• Drama, Thy Name is Zombie (realmsqueen.wordpress.com)

#5: Kids That Declare: “I’M BORED!”

Never let it be said that The Hook is unsympathetic to the plight of the Modern Kid; I realize kids have challenges that range from minor (convincing their parents to fork over their hard-earned cash for Justin Bieber concert tickets) to major (bullying, broken homes, etc.) but this a lighthearted jab at the modern rugrat, so let’s get silly,  shall we?

I know a child – who shall remain nameless in order to ensure my safety – that has the following items in her room..

• A big-screen plasma TV.
• A digital receiver.
• A DVD player and over 100  movies and various TV series boxed sets.
• Hundreds of books – of both the comic and novel variety.
• An iPad.
• Dozens of Barbies (Twilight, DC Comics superheroines, etc.)
• A laptop.
• Several portable video game devices and games.
• An iPod touch.

And that’s just the swag I know about! Despite this wealth of devices  designed to fill hundreds of hours of a child’s carefree existence, she will still periodically declare, “I’M BORED!”

I fondly recall the days of my carefree youth, when we rode bikes and drew fresh air into our young bodies. My summer routine was simple: I would get up at 9 am, eat a hearty breakfast of sugary cereal and hit the open road on my ten-speed. I’d be gone all day!

Of course, those days are long gone, A parent can’t let their child just gallavant like a vagabond until dinner, not in this world filled with monsters lurking around every corner.

But that’s a terrible fact to be explored another day.

As for children who feel they’re hard done by, they simply need to be reminded of just what they have - and how easily it can be taken away.

#80: The Quest For Instant Fame!

Not that long ago, every boy wanted to be a cowboy, an astronaut or a policeman. Every girl wanted to be Barbie, who could be anything she wanted, and have Ken by her side at the same time!

These days?

Every kid wants to be Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black. The main reason for their immeasurable popularity? The relative ease with which they achieved their fame and fortune.

In the old days you’d have to play school talent shows, county fairs, and even weddings to ply your trade. Eventually you’d hit the bar circuit, possibly for the rest of your career!

But times have changed; we now have reality shows where contestants can stretch their fifteen minutes of fame, providing they can survive scathing insults from arrogant British judges, that is! And of course, there is always the internet, I’m  referring to Youtube, of course, which made Rebecca Black so hated, people began to love her!  

Image via CrunchBase

 

I suppose how you achieve fame is irrelevant, it’s what you do with it that matters.

But then again, what do I know? I’m just a simple blogger trying to achieve some small measure of success the old-fashioned way - one day at a time.

Related articles

• Rebecca Black performs ‘Friday’ on ‘America’s Got Talent’ (VIDEO) (aoltv.com)

Justin Beaver Is Coming! (Seriously.)

TERRIBLE DISCLAIMER: Terrible Flashback Fridays are temporarily suspended, but the concept I’m about to introduce will be a terrible flashback – someday! Trust me.

Meet the single worst idea to hit comics since..ever!

Justin Beaver.

I’m not joking, here. A character named Justin Beaver is going to be introduced to an unsuspecting world via Archie Comics. This was inevitable I suppose.

Be afraid, people.

There is really nothing more to say, except I just lost a little respect for the Archie universe. Of course, my daughter is a big fan and they get her money every month, so I’m sure they don’t care.

Related Articles

• Archie Comics plans series for 1st gay character (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

The Junos Are Tonight! Does Anyone Really Care?

First off, most people reading this (All five of you!), probably don’t even know what the Juno Awards are.

 The Junos are Canada’s answer to the Grammys, celebrating individual artists and bands’ artistic and technical achievements for the year. New members of the Canadian Music Hall of Fame are also inducted as part of the awards ceremonies. Not only do most Canadians barely know what the Junos are, those that do really don’t care.

This year’s ceremony will be hosted by Canada’s black Eminem, Drake, who will no doubt play up the fact that’s he’s buddies with everyone’s favorite teen demigod, Justin Bieber. Speaking of He-Whose-Lesbian-Haircut-Inspired-A-Million-Jokes, he’s nominated for four Junos - Album for the Year, Artist of the Year, the Fan Choice Award and the Best Pop Album for My World 2.0.

OF COURSE, I'M A SERIOUS ARTIST, LOOK AT MY FACE!

Bieber is apparently not going to be performing, which just further explains just why most Canucks don’t care about their homegrown awards. There are some fine performers tapped to hit the stage though, Arcade Fire (Who ticked off some Americans at last year’s Grammys, good for them!), Hedley and Sarah McLachlan.

Of course, in order to draw Yankee viewers, the Junos honor non-Canadian talent with an International Album of the Year. Last year it was won by Kings of Leon with Only by the Night. This year the artists up for that award are Eminem, Lady Antebellum, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha and Katy Perry.

To further undermine their credibility, the Junos have decided to induct Shania Twain into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame even though her career has been colder than Montreal in February (It makes sense if you’re Canadian!) and most Canadians have all but forgotten about her. It’s no coincidence she has a new show spotlighting her attempt to return to the top on the Oprah Winfrey Network.   

 Speaking of The Mighty US of A, most Canadians love the States and that’s why they’ll stick to American awards shows. It also explains why the Junos are constantly taking a beat down from their Canadian award show rival, the star magnet MuchMusic Video Awards.

Canadian artists may attend the Junos out of a sense of loyalty but  every single one of them knows they have to crack the golden nugget that is the US recording market in order to truly achieve superstar status. Our singers know that most Canadians pay more attention to the American cultural scene than their own.

And who can blame them? Canada is responsible for unleashing the musical horror that is Celine Dion. 

For anyone that’s actually interested, the Junos begin at 8 pm on the CTV network.

 Related Articles

• It’s the Juno Awards! (aquantumofknowledge.wordpress.com)
• Drake Says He’s Ready To Host THE 2011 JUNO AWARDS (prnewswire.com)
• Neil Young honoured on Juno’s first night (theglobeandmail.com)
• Neil Young, Arcade Fire among Juno Award winners (ctv.ca)