An 84-year-old Zephyrhills woman stepped forward Wednesday as the winner of the largest single jackpot in American lottery history, valued at $590.5 million.
Of course, the winner has opted to take a lump sum payment of more than $370 million, before taxes, but that’s still not chicken feed.
Shortly after claiming her prize, Gloria C. MacKenzie spontaneously combusted. Her children were quoted as saying “We feel real bad for whats-her-name. Truly.” They then purchased lavish RVs/homes and headed for Las Vegas.
Okay, I made that last part up, but I bet most of you were fooled for a moment, right?
1) Hired muscle. I would hire Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to accompany me during my rounds as a bellman – it would be much more fun to continue to work and soak up the delicious experiences life a s a bellman provides rather than quit – and intimidate guests into tipping me large.
2) A new ending for The Sopranos. David Chase would draft a coherent alternate ending that would become canon and finally erase the stench of the original mind-fuck HBO fed to viewers.
3) A ghost tweeter. Kelly Oxford rose to fame via her tweeting skills. If I could afford those skills, Twitter would be my playground, bitches.
4) The spawn of Kim Kardashian And Kanye West. Don’t kid yourself; they’d sell anything for the right price. I’d set the kid up with a new home, perhaps with a family that doesn’t watch television…
5) The home addresses of every member of the Ku Klux Klan – and one million Shih Tzus, trained to kill upon my command. You do the math.
6) A time machine – set to the coordinates of Justin Bieber’s conception. You do the math… again.
7) A monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)
8) I would deliver Joel Schumacher to a convention hall filled with Batman purists. (Hardcore nerds will understand this one.)
9) I would purchase a private island, à la Lost, which I would fill with ungrateful celebrities, lawyers, fat cat CEOs and certain pop stars. In other words, douchebags.
10) The most powerful lawyers in the world. (Yes, I’m a walking mass of contradictions.) But I’d need lawyers to sue the pants off of every director that ever disappointed me at the box office. And I’d use my soul-crushing legal army to squash every frivolous lawsuit out here. (Again, I’m a walking mass of contradictions, okay?)