#131: When The Butter Melts Too Quickly On Your Toast!

I hate when this happens.

Don’t we suffer enough in this cold, cruel world? You butter, you pour some coffee or milk, – whatever floats your morning boat – and by the time you sit down, all you have is two pieces of bread with no surface butter! There are supposed to be rivers of buttery goodness covering that bread, gosh darn it!

Can you tell I have a terrible headache today? Hey, that’s another terrible thing!

I’m on a roll…

#132: Slurpee Lite.

I sear, sometimes these posts write themselves.

Tired of the crushing guilt that accompanies a dinner consisting of a 7-Eleven hot dog and a bag of Doritos washed down with a brain-freezing beverage best known for its weird colors, wild tastes and wacky name?

Then try a Slurpee Lite, you fat, ignorant bastard!

Slurpee Lite will target females in their 20s with this tagline: “All flavor. No sugar.” They forgot, “No brains.” At any rate, an 8-ounce Slurpee Lite Fanta Sugar-Free Mango – what a mouthful – has 20 calories vs. 66 calories in an 8-ounce Fanta Wild Cherry Slurpee drink, the best-selling conventional Slurpee.

Yes, 7-Eleven, the nation’s largest convenience chain with the most depressed employees on Earth, will introduce a low-cal line of Slurpees into an already messed-up world, starting this summer. Accordingly, I intend to announce this summer as the “Season The World Officially Went To Hell – But With less Calories!”

Has quite the ring to it, doesn’t it?

Related articles

• {Heads Up} Free Slurpee at 7-Eleven (forthemommas.com)
• 7-11 Rolls Out “Slurpee Lite” Nationwide (patspapers.com)
• Diet Slurpees for Women: For When You Hate Being Fat but Love Icy Diarrhea [Food] (jezebel.com)

#139: Ninja Veggies!

These are the vegetables that hide underneath other foods on your plate.

If you’re like me, you eat all your veggies first so you can concentrate on – and enjoy – the meat and potatoes. To be honest, I mostly enjoy the meat.

No jokes!

At any rate, I hate it when I polish off the vegetables, lift up the meat to dig in… and discover a few stragglers!

That really BURNS me up! And no, I’m not twelve-years-old, I just really don’t care for veggies…

Vegetables suck! There, I said it! Let the chips fall where they may…

#85: The Extinction of the Corner Store.

Even though I’m only 41, I find myself riding a perpetual wave of nostalgia.

I remember a store, literally around the corner from my grandparent’s apartment, that epitomized a simpler time and place. It was run by two older German immigrants; they wore aprons and one was always sweeping the floor.

There were barrels of peanuts and other treats you just don’t see anymore. Shoppers were greeted with genuine gratitude and respect. They may not have run a 24-hour operation, consisting of 60 aisles stocked with thousands of items, but they had something the Big Box stores definitely don’t.

Human compassion and warmth have disappeared from the retail landscape, and that is truly terrible.

#95: When the Donut Icing Sticks to the Inside of the Bag!

You know it’s bad for you, but you love it anyway.

However, when you open the bag your excitement morphs into horror as you realize the best part of the donut is STILL INSIDE THE BAG!

The fickle hand of Fate has bitch slapped you again.

Waiting For A Pot Of Water To Boil…

Image by ilmungo via Flickr

But it never does!

Your impatience morphs into frustration followed by white-hot rage.

The little veins on your forehead make an appearance..

And then you notice you forgot to turn the burner on!

Moron.