Ten Things You Should Never Say When Crossing The Border.

For those not in the know, The Hook is a resident of Niagara Falls, Canada.

As such, I’ve come to realize that border guards are not exactly well-versed in the art of friendly banter with travelers.

To say the least.

Here then, are some tips on what not to say when crossing the border between countries.

1)  When the customs officer says “Do you have anything to declare?”, don’t say “Only my undying contempt for you!”

2)  “Is it true you have a special ‘Buy One Get One Free’ deal on Mexicans right now?”

3)  “I bet my piece is bigger than yours!”

4)  “Pay no attention to that thumping. I’ve been meaning to get that trunk triple-insulated, but I’ve been too busy. You know how it is, right?”

5)  “I’m just here to open my 100th meth lab!”

6)  “Could you recommend a good place to score, but in a safe neighborhood?

7)  “Be careful while handling that passport, the ink is still wet.”

8)  “Do you have a recycling bin? I need to throw out these beer bottles.”

9)  “Be honest, does this concealed weapon make me look fat?”

10)  “My name is Lindsay Lohan.” (or if you’re male) “My name is Charlie Sheen.”

#124: Charlie Sheen’s Attempt At Redempton.

Well, this was inevitable.

After a helluva wild ride – complete with porn stars and drugs, ‘natch – Mr. Sheen is trying to recent his past declarations and stunts. He tells Rolling Stone:

“Clearly, a guy gets fired, his relationships are in the toilet, he’s off on some f****** tour, there’s nothing ‘winning’ about any of that. I mean, how does a guy who’s obviously quicksanded, how does he consider any of it a victory? I was in total denial.”

He even refuses to admit how difficult it is to stay sober….

“I mean, the s*** works. Sorry, but it works. Anyway, I don’t see what’s wrong with a few drinks. What’s your drink? Tequila? Mine’s vodka. Straight, because I’ve always said that ice is for injuries, ha ha.”

Really, Charlie? That’s the best you got? You have Tiger Blood running through those well-used veins, but you’re not man enough to stand by your actions and the ginormous PR mess they created?

Just say something like, “Yes, I can be an ass sometimes, but you know what? Its my life to mess up… So there!”

Personally, I’d give Charlie my respect once again if he came clean. But that’s just me.

Related articles

• Charlie Sheen: I Was In Denial, Was Never ‘Winning’ (inquisitr.com)
• Charlie Sheen Admits When He Was “Winning” He Was Actually Losing (1340thefan.com)
• Charlie Sheen Tells Rolling Stone How He Wants To Have Sex With Denise Richards Again, Hammertoes Are Bad, And Ice Is For Injuries, Not Vodka (bossip.com)

#160: The Terrible Return of Charlie Sheen!

He just can’t leave well enough alone.

I swore off writing about Charlie Sheen long ago, but you can’t ignore a fire that burns at the edge of your consciousness. Sheen was one of the few celebrities that was gifted enough to justify ignoring his many public failings (Robert Downey Jr. is another) but he has fallen so far so fast that I find myself endlessly fascinated by him.

His latest debacle?

He called in to TMZ Live on Thursday and started in on Two and a Half Men, saying, “I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending the show doesn’t suck. I’m tired of pretending Ashton doesn’t suck. I’m tired of pretending like, they’re not completely adrift. Because when you take away the anchor of your show, you’re adrift. … These guys are like approaching salvage vessel, you know?”

Of course, he took aim at his replacement, Ashton Kutcher, albeit indirectly. “I just feel bad for him. He’s saddled with such bad writing.”

He also admitted he still watches the show that gave so much to him; quite a shock, right? “When the show was good, it was great. But now, there’s just nothing about it that’s interesting. I forget that it’s on the air. It’s kind of leaving your child behind with somebody and them not really taking very good care of it.”

Like he could ever help himself.

Image via WikipediaSeriously, Charlie, leave people alone, will you?

I suppose Sheen just couldn’t stand Whitney Houston hogging the spotlight by dying.

Sorry, Charlie, but even with Tiger Blood pumping through your veins, you can’t compete with death.

Related articles

• Charlie Sheen: Ashton Kutcher, ‘Two and a Half Men,’ Suck (inquisitr.com)
• Charlie Sheen SLAMS Ashton Kutcher, ‘Two and a Half Men’ (blippitt.com)
• Charlie Sheen Still Harboring Bitterness Over Two & A Half Men Feud, Says Ashton “Sucks” (perezhilton.com)

#32: When Your Favorite TV Show Not Only Jumps The Shark…

It willingly dives right into its waiting jaws!

Here are just a few examples of once-beloved shows that decided to linger at the party long after the fun had evaporated…

• ALL IN THE FAMILY (1971-1979)
• THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW (1960-1968)
• THE COSBY SHOW (1984-1992)
• DALLAS (1978 -1991)
• ROSEANNE (1988-1997)

And of course, the one that started it all…

• HAPPY DAYS (1974-1984)

Arthur Fonzarelli had no idea just how much damage he was inflicting upon the television landscape when he strapped on that pair of waterskis (and leather jacket!), but the echoes of that moment still reverberate today.

 Of course, I’m referring to the new, and soon-to-be final, season of Two and a Half Men.

Until recently the spotlight has shone solely on Charlie Sheen and his oh-so-very-public meltdown. But the lawsuits have been put to rest and now that the dust has finally settled, both parties can move on with their lives. Sheen is actually starting to look relatively fit again.

The same can’t be said for the television family he left behind.

I don’t know who Ashton Kutcher has been sleeping with over at CBS (if the rumors are true, it’s apparently not Demi Moore!), but they it looks like they made a fatal error bringing him onboard a ship that was sailing fast and proud to the Land of High Ratings.

While the show’s ratings have remained higher than Sheen’s last season, longtime fans such as myself are already missing the drunken, womanizing, man-child and his keen sense of fashion. Kutcher’s Walden Schmidt is supposed to be an Internet whiz kid billionaire, but he behaves like a twelve-year-old suffering from Ritalin withdrawal. They even had his character make out with Alan’s ex-wife Judith, who is now remarried, something sure to enrage the show’s loyal fans even more.

I know it made me tune out for good, and I’ve stuck with the show through thick and thin. How many television viewers have felt the same over the years, I wonder?

Two and a Half Men mined the vast differences between its leads to produce comedy gold. Now, however, they have two leads who both appear to be lovable losers. 

It’s time to strap on the waterskis, Men.

Related articles

• Sheen, Warner Bros. settle lawsuit (arts.nationalpost.com)
• Are shows “jumping the shark” much too soon now? (iheartvikingquest.wordpress.com)

Overexposed Celebrities Are Media Cancer!

Image via Wikipedia

Lohan, Sheen, Fey, Winfrey.

Even if you’ve been living under a rock without wi-fi, you know who they are. The media has made damn sure of that.

Even though the Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen train wrecks appear to slowed down, the Tina Fey express has been shamelessly thundering along for weeks.

“She writes hit movies and television shows! She impersonates crazy politicians! She pens best sellers celebrating her greatness!’

Yeah, yeah, she’s great, just ask her.

Of course, all three are lightweights compared to the Queen of All Media and soon the universe, no doubt. The media loves to exploit celebrites, but Oprah is the mistress of self-exploitation.

Now that  Oprah‘s “last” show has aired, we can expect to see her smiling face EVERYWHERE. But let’s be clear, her brand now has its own network, a more suitable platform from which to launch the final stage in her plan for world domination.

Image via Wikipedia

 

It began with free swag for the audience, then she told people everywhere what to read.

 Then she recruited experts in various fields, had them sign their souls away, and molded them into celebrity gurus.

Next she built a school to mold the next generation of “little Oprahs” (Which is an  oxymoron if you think about it!) and now she’s going toe-to-toe with the network douchebags for supremacy of the airwaves.

I realize millions of people love her and have benefited from her efforts, but as for those of us who refuse to pledge allegiance to the Oprah flag, I’m afraid we’re out of luck.

She owns us already, we just haven’t found the brand on our scalp yet.

Related articles

• How’s That for Overexposed? Lindsay Loses Her Bikini Top…Again (eonline.com)
• ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ Ends (huffingtonpost.com)
• Oprah finale devoted to fans, her ‘safe harbor’ (thegrio.com)

A Bad Day For “The Warlock”, Or Have We All Been Punk’d?

Image via Wikipedia

It’s lonely being the Boy Who Cried Wolf – just ask Ashton Kutcher.

After years of pulling elaborate practical jokes on Hollywood buddies and the world, he now finds himself crying “I’m the new Charlie!”, but I’m not sure anyone is ready to believe him.

Yesterday, Demi’s husband tweeted the following riddle:  “What’s the square root of 6.25?”  It’s 2.5, as in Two and a Half Men, get it?

We’ll see, but for now The Hollywood Reporter, USA Today, and other celeb gossip outlets are all over this story. Just like Charlie Sheen is, I’m sure.

Can you imagine the reaction at Sober Valley Lodge when this news reached ‘ol “Tiger Blood’s” ears?

ONE FINAL SAD NOTE:

It looks like Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane has crashed,  again.

Entertainment Weekly is reporting NBC has passed on the David E. Kelley-helmed pilot: “scuttlebutt reveals the pilot earned mixed reviews at test screenings. And then there was all the online blow back about the costume – which seemed to de-emphasize the patriotism and play up the comic’s Greek mythology. Ultimately, the wardrobe department went back to the drawing board but that didn’t seem to save the project.”

It’s just not a good day in Hollywood for some, it appears.

Oh. well everyone effected still has more money than me, so screw ‘em!

Related articles

• Ashton Kutcher Replaces Charlie Sheen on ‘Two and a Half Men’ (buddytv.com)
• Is Charlie Sheen Getting Punk’d? (wycd.radio.com)

Has Bree Olson Checked Out Of Sober Valley Lodge For Real This Time?

According to published reports, Charlie Sheen is down one “Goddess” – again.

News outlets like USA Today and TMZ.com are reporting Bree Olson has dumped Sheen’s ass like a prom night baby. For the second time apparently. The first incident played out over a few hours, but this one has gone on for over a day, so maybe it’s for real this time. 

At any rate, Sheen told reporters at a FT. Lauderdale stop of his tour that Olson dumped him via text message!

Of course, Mr. Tiger Blood had little else to add, thus igniting a firestorm of mystery surrounding the straw that broke the porn star’s extremely flexible back.

At least he still has Natalie Kenly, the Goddess without the fallback career. She’s not going anywhere.

Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen — Dumped Via Text Message (tmz.com)
• Living A Porn Star’s Dream: Bree Olson Breaks Into The Mainstream World. (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)

Not A Snowball’s Chance For “Sonny With A Chance”!

Image via Wikipedia

What’s the deal with The Walt Disney Company and their female idols? Have they all been mentored by Charlie Sheen?

Demi Lovato, fallen idol and star of the Disney tween comedy Sonny With A Chance has  decided not to return to the show that made her a star in the first place.

Lovato made headlines for all the wrong reasons last year when she did the Hollywood thing and entered a treatment facility for three months for “emotional and physical issues”.

These issues have been revealed as self-mutilation (cuts on her forearms) and bi-polar disorder. Lovato’s world came crashing down while she toured with ex-squeeze Joe Jonas (Tremendously bad idea!) and he decided to bring along his new squeeze Ashley Greene of Twilight fame!

Not surprisingly, Lovato snapped under the pressure and assaulted one of her backup singers.

Now she’s back, but Disney claims she wishes to focus on her career and “not immediately” return to acting. Apparently Lovato told People magazine that returning  to the show “wouldn’t be healthy for her recovery and that she wants to make music her priority“.

Yeah, Demi, the music industry doesn’t have the rampant drug or other harmful abuses use you find in the acting biz.

Related Articles

• Demi Lovato Won’t Return to ‘Sonny With a Chance’ (tvsquad.com)
• Demi Lovato leaving ‘Sonny With a Chance’ (pbpulse.com)
• Demi Lovato Will Focus On Music, Leaving ‘Sonny With A Chance’ (inquisitr.com)

Detroit Drowns In Tiger Blood!

As if the recent economic blitzkrieg wasn’t bad enough, fate delivered another blow to the Motor City last night.

The opening salvo of Charlie Sheen‘s “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option” tour blasted away at the gathered throng  in the sold-out 5,100 seat Fox Theater until they felt like Bree Olson after a 12-hour porn shoot!

In other words, after being 45 minutes late, delivering a “Winning!” performance appeared to be the last thing on Charlie’s mind.

The first thing? Who the hell even knows anymore.

For the price of admission, he should have had these two do more than make out!

After shelling out good money to see a real American idol, people got gems like this delivered in between incoherent mumblefests, “I used my power against them and stuffed their arms down their gaping throats. No time to take their stinking toupees because this warlock was on the move!” he bellowed.

 

WTF?

 Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen Show Sputters in Motor City (abcnews.go.com)
• Charlie Sheen show sputters in Motor City (omg.yahoo.com)
• Charlie Sheen Goddesses: Video, Pics of Natalie Kenly, Bree Olson (nowpublic.com)

Bree Olson + Twitter= Soft Core Social Media Porn!

Image via CrunchBase

“Terrible Disclaimer”: This post has some pretty bawdy language, but these particular words are necessary to illustrate how a social media site can become a soft, or hard, (depending on your viewpoint) core destination.

Twitter was created in 2006 to allow users to communicate short bursts of information with a large group. Bree Olson was also created in 2006 to allow Rachel Marie Oberlin to fulfill her lifelong dream of communicating with large groups through short bursts of carnal activity.

Twitter now services an estimated 190 million users, generating 65 million tweets a day. Bree Olson hasn’t serviced that many users, but her current and most famous one, Charlie Sheen, has raised her global profile immeasurably.

Just as Sheen has used his current public meltdown to attract Twitter followers (In record numbers!), Olson is using her account to reach her expanded audience. I doubt, however, that Twitter’s creators were anticipating tweets like this when they unleashed their social media creation into cyberspace.

I love getting an ass massage. A fresh out of the shower, lay on the bed tummy down butt rub… Mmm put it in. 10:10 PM Mar 16th

Since her upgrade to one of Charlie’s “Goddesses”, Oberlin has retired her Bree Olson persona, according to Sheen that is. She later said to a reporter from the Journal Gazzette that she was indeed retired from porn, “As long as I’m with Charlie. But be sure you put that in there though. ‘As long as I’m with Charlie, I am retired.”

Check out a few of these Bree Olson tweets, available for viewing by anyone, regardless of age, and decide for yourself if they were written by a retired porn star who is uninterested in maintaining her fan base.

So I’m not supposed to twitter about ****, *****, ***, ******* creampies gang bangs dildos porn or me being a slut… Shit, I just did. about 13 hours ago March 23

Mmmmm I am so horny. Can’t wait to get ****** again, and again, and again… And hmmm again. My panties have been wet all day. 10:25 PM Feb 25th

In bed, white t-shirt & nothing else. Legs spread and ***** ready to be penetrated. Would love to be full of *** so I can have sweet dreams. 3:02 AM Feb 26th

What’s  more painful than anal sex? Not getting to have any anal sex. Would someone come **** me in the ass please? 4:00 AM Feb 23rd

Wish I was a cheap $20 hooker laying in this bed and one guy after another would come in this room and *** inside me while I just lay here. 7:54 PM Feb 17th

Mmmm tired. I wanna go to a hot sunny place and sleep on the beach then wake up to getting raped by a stranger on the beach. That’s my dream 7:32 PM Feb 10th

Let’s face it, these tweets were written by a young lady who suspects, as we all do, that the Charlie Sheen Gravy train she’s on is bound to go off the rails sooner or later. If that happens, Bree Olson will need something, or more accurately, someone to fall back on!

Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen’s ‘Goddess’ Returns To Sober Valley Lodge (wycd.radio.com)
• Charlie Sheen Goddesses: Video, Pics of Natalie Kenly, Bree Olson (nowpublic.com)
• Bree Olson: Arrested for Drunk Driving (thehollywoodgossip.com)