Singer Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in prison for failing to pay taxes on about $1 million in earnings.
This situation, and Hill’s hubris (you can’t hide from the Tax man, girl!), got me thinking.
Don’t worry, it only hurt a little.
Here are some charges I feel should be leveled against other celebrities for their many crimes against the United States and humanity in general.
1) Lindsay Lohan: Domestic terrorism. Let’s face it, she’s hit just about every moving vehicle in the US by now; there has to be a hidden agenda here. No one is that foolish or reckless, right?
2) Charlie Sheen: How much time do you have?
3) Carly Rae Jepsen: Noise pollution. That damn song makes my ears bleed.
4) Justin Bieber: Primate smuggling and impersonating a teenage lesbian.
5) Reese Witherspoon: Polluting the internet with stories of the most dumbass arrest ever! And yes, Reese, I know your name.
6) The entire Kardashian clan: Crimes against humanity too numerous to mention, ‘natch.
7) Chris Brown: Being a disgrace to everyone with a penis.
8) Rihanna: Aiding and abetting Chris Brown. I swear, smoking hot looks are wasted on the beautiful. Rihanna has proven herself to be a danger to herself and others and must be stopped.
9) Gary Busey: Simply put, he’s going to hurt himself. Period.
10) Tom Cruise: His ego has been violating United States airspace restrictions for decades and is threatening to disrupt weather patterns and may even plunge the planet into another ice age. I love your work, Tom, but come on!