Lauryn Hill is Just The Tip Of The Iceberg…

Singer Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in prison for failing to pay taxes on about $1 million in earnings.

Bad, Lauryn!

This situation, and Hill’s hubris (you can’t hide from the Tax man, girl!), got me thinking.

Don’t worry, it only hurt a little.

Here are some charges I feel should be leveled against other celebrities for their many crimes against the United States and humanity in general.

1)  Lindsay Lohan:  Domestic terrorism. Let’s face it, she’s hit just about every moving vehicle in the US by now; there has to be a hidden agenda here. No one is that foolish or reckless, right?

2)  Charlie Sheen:  How much time do you have?

3)  Carly Rae Jepsen:  Noise pollution. That damn song makes my ears bleed.

4)  Justin Bieber:  Primate smuggling and impersonating a teenage lesbian.

5)  Reese Witherspoon:  Polluting the internet with stories of the most dumbass arrest ever! And yes, Reese, I know your name.

6)  The entire Kardashian clan:  Crimes against humanity too numerous to mention, ‘natch.

7)  Chris Brown:  Being a disgrace to everyone with a penis.

8)  Rihanna:  Aiding and abetting Chris Brown. I swear, smoking hot looks are wasted on the beautiful. Rihanna has proven herself to be a danger to herself and others and must be stopped.

9)  Gary Busey:  Simply put, he’s going to hurt himself. Period.

10)  Tom Cruise:  His ego has been violating United States airspace restrictions for decades and is threatening to disrupt weather patterns and may even plunge the planet into another ice age. I love your work, Tom, but come on!

Ten Terrible Things About… Writer’s Block.

Yes, The Hook is blocked. Apparently I consumed too much “mental cheese” and now I have to use an old blogging trick and write about being unable to write.

So here we go.

1)  When you’re blocked you find yourself surfing celebrity gossip sites and you come across a pic of Kim Kardashian’s baby bump. Earlier this week, Kim  told Jimmy Kimmel that she and baby daddy Kanye West plan to keep the baby “as private as possible.” And then she releases a posed, professional pic of her bump….

Kim Kardashian is God’s gift to paparazzi, bloggers and anyone who loves vapid, brain dead celebrities…

2)  Writer’s block makes you question your creative process. “Snooki can “write” a book, but I can’t come up with an original idea for a post?” What the hell?

3)  You can only write about not being able to write for so long… Then you have to pony up and actually write something original. That sucks.

4)  Being blocked hurts my frontal lobe. I hare when my frontal  lobe aches…

5)  Your keyboard mocks you like a sex-starved wife mocks her impotent husband. Great imagery, right?

6)  You consider launching a new blog dedicated solely to pictures of Alaskan snowstorms…

7)  Searching the web for ideas takes you to dark places… Like this.

8) You consider writing a post consisting entirely of the most popular search items that lead people to your blog. Like these:

Search	Views
kim kardashian naked	4
meghan fox classy	4
porno kim kardashian	2
kim kardashian pictures	2
kim kardashian playboy	2
kim kardashian no clothes	2
mutt lange and marie-anne thiebaud married	2
celebrities no clothes	1
porno sex pull	1

9)  You didn’t actually think I was going to finish this post, did you? I’m blocked bitches!

Want To See The Hook on Steven and Chris? I Do!

I have the best readers in the world.

• When I asked you to read my blog, you answered: I have over 1,000 readers between both blogs!
• When I asked you to download my book, you did so: 6,059 downloads in total!
• You even sent your good wishes my way when I was stricken down with the flu.

Now I need your help again. I know, I know, I’m needy…

Steven and Chris is a Canadian talk show that covers all the bases, from cooking, home decor (both hosts are design gurus), fashion, health to the usual celebrity appearances. Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman never acknowledge it on-screen, but they’re a couple – and it shows! Their chemistry sets the show apart from the pack (it seems like there is a million talk shows out there these days, right?) and millions of Canadians – of both genders – love them.

Naturally, an appearance on their show would breathe life into my barely-breathing writing career. And so I turn to you.

I need your help to convince the powers-that-be at Steven and Chris that The Hook would make a worthwhile guest. I may not seem like an ideal fit for their genre, but I guarantee every single member of their audience has stayed in a hotel at least once in the past. My work appeals to EVERYONE. I just need to convince Steven and Chris of that!

stevenandchris@cbc.ca is their e-mail address and I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a short statement that you can “cut and paste”. I can be very thoughtful sometimes, right?

I am a fan of the Canadian bellman/author Robert Hookey, also known as “The Hook”. I think his particular brand of humor would appeal to your audience. His first book, The Bellman Chronicles, contains subject matter that everyone can relate to. Not only that, he’s housebroken, which is always a plus…

Appearing on this show would launch me to a whole other level – and hopefully allow me to sell more than 100 books! Perhaps I could even eat at a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru window… Maybe.

I’d also like to extend an offer to anyone who decides to give me a few minutes of their time; if you can spare some time to help me out, I’d be open to hosting a guest post. If anyone has a tale of a vacation gone awry, or anything funny, let me know!

Thank you in advance, folks. You rock.

TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

#104: Mondays With The Kardashians!

Yes, Mondays suck no matter what… That’s a given.

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

But when I get into an elevator with a hotel guest who insists on blathering on about the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I suddenly realize that Mondays are cursed…

“Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a makeover by throwing out all the clothes from her ‘ghetto’ closet.” The best part? This statement came from the white bread mouth of the most homogenized twelve-year-old girl I’ve ever seen…

Her long-suffering parents just rolled their eyes as their progeny continued.

Kim was like “Kanye has definitely inspired me to wanna, like, be a little bit more of an individual. Life is about “evolving and changing.” she gushed, “And then Khloe freaked out that Kim was donating her clothes. And then Oprah interviewed everyone.”

The little girl then exploded from sensory overload. Okay, not really, but I can dream, right?

“Oprah interviewed the Kardashians? I liked her better when she was white.” was Dad’s response to all the drama. A classic Dad response, right?

As for this dad, I wanted to enlighten the little girl – by shaking her until her head popped off – but I’m hamstrung by professional ethics. And the law, of course. Her parents faces told the story: they gave up on setting their little darling straight long ago. She was another Kardashian zombie and nothing would change that.

I also wanted to charge her parents for my time. NO ONE should have to start their Monday with the Kardashians. NO ONE….

AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!

Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!

More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!

AND FINALLY….

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

Related articles

• Keeping Up With the Kardashians Recap: It’s Oprah! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Kanye West Makes Kim Kardashian Throw Out All Her Clothes (VIDEO) (gossipcop.com)

#115: The Day Sherman Hemsley “Moved On Up” Once Last Time…

Okay, before you say anything, can you really blame me? Someone had to say it…

At any rate, I’ve lost a childhood idol and the world has lost a man who helped inspire millions of children of all races and creeds to become actors. Sherman Hemsley died today at the age of 74 at his home in El Paso.

But George Jefferson will live forever. His bigotry, rudeness and love for his “Weezy” will always be a pleasure to watch.

• He went toe-to-toe with Archie Bunker.
• He pulled himself up from nothing, as they say, and even hired a black maid.
• He even had mixed-race neighbors whom he terrorized.
  

  Hemsley, with Isabel Sanford, on The Jeffersons. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

   

• He was a hard-working, decent man – on-screen and off.

In a 1977 Jeffersons episode titled “George’s Legacy,” the character decided to immortalize himself by hiring a sculptor to create his bust. “A man’s got to leave his mark,” George tells the bust. “Something to prove that he’s been here. Otherwise, there ain’t no sense in showing up at all.”

You left your mark, Sherman, trust me.

English: Sherman Helmsley, taken at the Hustler Hollywood store on December 3, 1999 Photo courtesy of http://www.lukeisback.com, used with permission (see here). Image taken from the Wayback Machine’s archive of lukeford.com, viewable here (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Related articles

• Sherman Hemsley Dead At 74 (kysdc.com)
• Sherman Hemsley, star of ‘Jeffersons,’ dies at 74 (wwltv.com)

#124: Charlie Sheen’s Attempt At Redempton.

Well, this was inevitable.

After a helluva wild ride – complete with porn stars and drugs, ‘natch – Mr. Sheen is trying to recent his past declarations and stunts. He tells Rolling Stone:

“Clearly, a guy gets fired, his relationships are in the toilet, he’s off on some f****** tour, there’s nothing ‘winning’ about any of that. I mean, how does a guy who’s obviously quicksanded, how does he consider any of it a victory? I was in total denial.”

He even refuses to admit how difficult it is to stay sober….

“I mean, the s*** works. Sorry, but it works. Anyway, I don’t see what’s wrong with a few drinks. What’s your drink? Tequila? Mine’s vodka. Straight, because I’ve always said that ice is for injuries, ha ha.”

Really, Charlie? That’s the best you got? You have Tiger Blood running through those well-used veins, but you’re not man enough to stand by your actions and the ginormous PR mess they created?

Just say something like, “Yes, I can be an ass sometimes, but you know what? Its my life to mess up… So there!”

Personally, I’d give Charlie my respect once again if he came clean. But that’s just me.

Related articles

• Charlie Sheen: I Was In Denial, Was Never ‘Winning’ (inquisitr.com)
• Charlie Sheen Admits When He Was “Winning” He Was Actually Losing (1340thefan.com)
• Charlie Sheen Tells Rolling Stone How He Wants To Have Sex With Denise Richards Again, Hammertoes Are Bad, And Ice Is For Injuries, Not Vodka (bossip.com)

#127: Kanye West Wants to Build a Theme Park.

Do I really need to say anything about this?

I mean, this concept alone is capable of generating more than a few hilarious – and disturbing -  thoughts in your head, right? Can you imagine the Kim Kardashian-inspired ride? 

Of course, plenty of people have already rode the Kim Kardashina ride.. If you know what I mean? If not, she’s slept with a lot of guys. She’s even filmed at least one encounter – that we know of, that is.

The ‘Stronger’ rapper, who has previously ventured into film making, creating a women’s fashion line and opening a restaurant chain — and building the biggest ego in the entertainment industry – wants to use his Donda design company to create a leisure resort that will “change entertainment experiences.”

“I want to work on cities, I want to work on amusement parks, I want to change entertainment experiences or life. Something like if [late designer Alexander] McQueen or [filmmaker] Tarsem Singh was to meet the entertainment value of a Cirque du Soleil or a Walt Disney. With the Donda company, this is our first installation.”

The 34-year-old moron… I mean “musician” _ I guess – recently admitted he hopes his film Cruel Summer — which has little dialogue, a musical score and seven screens depicting different images — will revolutionize the cinema going experience.

Hasn’t he done enough damage already?

This coupling alone has damaged my psyche – already overrun by  celebrity nonsense – irreparably.

I’m beginning to think Kanye hates white people…

Related articles

• Kanye West Debuts New Film Experience (1015jamz.cbslocal.com)
• Kanye West Wants To Build His Own Disneyland!! (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#130: Miley Cyrus!

Yes, she gets her own specific entry.

She’s just that bad. And that much of a disappointment. From the Disney Channel to The Playboy Channel (it’s inevitable, I’m predicting it right here and now!) she has simply given up, it seems.

Rather than make music or act – she may have sucked at both, but she was trying – she simply wants to take the Kardashian route and be famous for being famous. Sure, she is supposedly recording a new album, but who cares?

This is all the public pays attention to…

And who can blame them?

#138: Three More Years of the Kardashians?

It’s true. The worst-case scenario has come to  pass…

The Kardashian clan has signed a deal to broadcast their ongoing crime spree for three more years. Yes, I said “crime spree”; if their show is not evidence of crimes against humanity, then I really don’t know what to say anymore.

On  second thought, I know exactly what to say.

I don’t know a single soul who watches this garbage, but  millions of people do and a large number of them are little girls.

Our little girls are being influenced on a deep level by people like this…

Yes, there are probably bigger targets out there for me to pick on, but I refuse to let this cult/family get away with their litany of crimes against television and all media in general.

And do you know what sickens me most of all? Bruce Jenner is a Kardashian, only by unholy union, but a Kardashian nonetheless. When I was a boy, Bruce Jenner was an idol to millions of aspiring athletes.

Now I cannot even stand to look at him. I refuse to believe there isn’t a single soul at an entire network who is willing to stand up and speak the truth about the Kardashians.

If they want to ruin their own lives, that’s their God-given right. But why can’t they leave the rest of us alone?

Justin Bieber is enough of a modern-day plague, isn’t he?

Related articles

• KARDASHIAN TV DEAL: $40 Million for 3 More Seasons (blippitt.com)
• ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ Renewed for Three More Seasons (worldaccordingtomonte.com)
• Bruce Jenner Is ‘Not That Excited’ About Kimye (huffingtonpost.com)
• Bruce Jenner Talks About Kim Kardashian & Kanye West: “I’m Not That Excited” (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#145: People Who Don’t Know How To Pick Their Battles!

This one is directed at every douchebag who felt compelled to e-mail  Live! with Kelly – worst title ever for a TV show – recently and complain about host Kelly Ripa’s tight dress.

The ultra perky blonde hurricane wore a body hugging “Stella McCartney miracle” dress that was so tight it caused viewers to write in before she and guest co-host Randy Jackson even started their first interview.

“We’re getting a lot of e-mails,” said Kelly in an unusual moment between host chat and a chat with Reese Witherspoon. “People keep saying it’s a nice dress but your nipples should not be showing,” she explained.

To be fair, if you watch the clip, you’ll notice Jackson check Ripa’s chest out before they even start chatting about Whitney Houston’s death the weekend before. Ripa, of course, refused to defend her fashion selection and instead chose the coward’s way out…

“It’s not nipples, it the darts of the dress.” Ripa pointed to her chest. “It’s the stiching of the dress.” As she laughed about it, she held up the pieces of paper in front of her chest. “Thank you for helping me all feel insecure.”

Insecure? Come on, Kelly! You live for the attention!

But back to my point: who really cares about any of this? Whitney Houston had just died and people were so concerned about Kelly Ripa’s breasts they felt compelled to rush to their devices and fire off an e-mail? Most people don’t even vote but they care about Ripa’s nipples?

This world is in bigger trouble than I thought…

Related articles

• Kelly Ripa Defends Wardrobe Malfunction [Video] (inquisitr.com)