#62: Those Late-night Television Chat Line Commercials

THE SCENE: A beautiful woman disrobes and slides into a bubble-filled tub. She gets out, puts on something slinky and revealing – and picks up the phone!

SHE’S ON THE PHONE! WHY IS SHE DRESSED LIKE A STREETWALKER IF NO ONE CAN SEE HER?

We’ve all seen these ads – far too many times, in fact. They’re a staple of late-night television, and for good reason.

The slimeballs that run these companies assume, rightfully so, that most people watching tv late at night are tired and horny, and thus easily swayed by hot girls or guys. Never mind that beautiful people aren’t the target demographic; hot chicks don’t need to meet people over the phone! They appear to be having a great time talking to strangers, so you will too!

And I’ve always wondered, what do people really want from these lines, true love, or a hookup? If you’re horny, the phone chat isn’t going to end with an orgasm, and if you think your soul mate is waiting on the other end of the line, you need to call an entirely different type of line!

Even if you’re compelled to reach for your credit card and call one of these lines, do you really think you’re going to end up speaking to someone truly hot? Nine times out of ten, you’re actually speaking to someone who is, shall we say, less than attractive?

And the wrong sex.

Truthfully, if you’re that randy at 1 am, you’d be better off watching a Bree Olson flick or calling one of these lines…

Has Bree Olson Checked Out Of Sober Valley Lodge For Real This Time?

According to published reports, Charlie Sheen is down one “Goddess” – again.

News outlets like USA Today and TMZ.com are reporting Bree Olson has dumped Sheen’s ass like a prom night baby. For the second time apparently. The first incident played out over a few hours, but this one has gone on for over a day, so maybe it’s for real this time. 

At any rate, Sheen told reporters at a FT. Lauderdale stop of his tour that Olson dumped him via text message!

Of course, Mr. Tiger Blood had little else to add, thus igniting a firestorm of mystery surrounding the straw that broke the porn star’s extremely flexible back.

At least he still has Natalie Kenly, the Goddess without the fallback career. She’s not going anywhere.

Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen — Dumped Via Text Message (tmz.com)
• Living A Porn Star’s Dream: Bree Olson Breaks Into The Mainstream World. (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)

Another Terrible Thing: Political Mudslinging!

There is a federal election looming over the Canadian people and the usual political shenanigans have ensued. Although politicians on both sides of the border pull the same crap every election season, people are beginning to tire of the routine.

I know The Hook is.

Personally, I’d rather see politicians actually hurl mud at each other, perhaps in a pit, than hurl the same slings and arrows in the public arena. I know most Americans would be down with the concept if Sarah Palin was signed up.        

Image by smiteme via Flickr

But seriously why don’t politicians just come out and say something like “My opponent is an alcoholic, Satan-worshiping, philanderer AND a cannibal!” At least the direct approach would prove refreshing. Even my twelve-year-old can see the flaw in the political machine.

Have these politicians actually considered the future and the fact she’ll be too disillusioned  to vote when the time comes? Because that’s what’s happened to her old man.

And most of North America for that matter.

You know what? I can’t speak for the everyone, but this political stuff is pretty dry for The Hook’s taste. Here’s a non-partisan image everyone can agree on. 

If “actresses” like Bree Olson “manned the polls” during the next round of elections, voter turnout would be record-setting!

Think about it.

 

Related Articles

• Why Politicians Lie, and How They Get Away With It (psychologytoday.com)
• Bree Olson is a Helper (thesuperficial.com)
• Love to Hate Politicians? (psychologytoday.com)

Bree Olson Naked!

Now that I have your attention..let’s talk about the evolution of this blog.

You’ve Been Hooked! started as a way of venting my ever-growing douchebag-inspired rage but it became quickly apparent I needed an outlet for my other viewpoints as well. And since I don’t exactly like to focus on the Awesome! things in life (Unlike some bloggers!), The Book of Terrible was the perfect home for my particular take on pop culture.

Now it’s time for a tweak or two. I’ll be adding a quick thought about those little things in life that really irk some of us. Some of these things are merely a minor annoyance and some drive us to a murderous rage!

Buckley’s cough syrup

Image by tyfn via Flickr

“It Tastes Awful. And It Works.” It’s a great self-deprecating tagline, but they lose me after the first line.

I can understand wanting relief from sickness, but why would someone voluntarily ingest something that tastes like ass?

Especially when there are viable alternatives available. And did I mention my father-in-law puts this godforsaken concoction on every wound from burns to scrapes, and even canker sores? Never mind Chris Rock and his bit about Robitussin, this is real old cracker behavior.

That’s it for now, but just to ease the bitter sting of disappointment some of you are feeling, here’s a Bree Olson shot. Sorry she’s not actually naked, but my there are plenty of sites out there that focus on that sort of thing. So I’m told.

Image via Wikipedia

Related Articles

• Natalie Kenly vs. Bree Olson: Who Would You Rather… (thehollywoodgossip.com)

Detroit Drowns In Tiger Blood!

As if the recent economic blitzkrieg wasn’t bad enough, fate delivered another blow to the Motor City last night.

The opening salvo of Charlie Sheen‘s “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option” tour blasted away at the gathered throng  in the sold-out 5,100 seat Fox Theater until they felt like Bree Olson after a 12-hour porn shoot!

In other words, after being 45 minutes late, delivering a “Winning!” performance appeared to be the last thing on Charlie’s mind.

The first thing? Who the hell even knows anymore.

For the price of admission, he should have had these two do more than make out!

After shelling out good money to see a real American idol, people got gems like this delivered in between incoherent mumblefests, “I used my power against them and stuffed their arms down their gaping throats. No time to take their stinking toupees because this warlock was on the move!” he bellowed.

 

WTF?

 Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen Show Sputters in Motor City (abcnews.go.com)
• Charlie Sheen show sputters in Motor City (omg.yahoo.com)
• Charlie Sheen Goddesses: Video, Pics of Natalie Kenly, Bree Olson (nowpublic.com)

Bree Olson + Twitter= Soft Core Social Media Porn!

Image via CrunchBase

“Terrible Disclaimer”: This post has some pretty bawdy language, but these particular words are necessary to illustrate how a social media site can become a soft, or hard, (depending on your viewpoint) core destination.

Twitter was created in 2006 to allow users to communicate short bursts of information with a large group. Bree Olson was also created in 2006 to allow Rachel Marie Oberlin to fulfill her lifelong dream of communicating with large groups through short bursts of carnal activity.

Twitter now services an estimated 190 million users, generating 65 million tweets a day. Bree Olson hasn’t serviced that many users, but her current and most famous one, Charlie Sheen, has raised her global profile immeasurably.

Just as Sheen has used his current public meltdown to attract Twitter followers (In record numbers!), Olson is using her account to reach her expanded audience. I doubt, however, that Twitter’s creators were anticipating tweets like this when they unleashed their social media creation into cyberspace.

I love getting an ass massage. A fresh out of the shower, lay on the bed tummy down butt rub… Mmm put it in. 10:10 PM Mar 16th

Since her upgrade to one of Charlie’s “Goddesses”, Oberlin has retired her Bree Olson persona, according to Sheen that is. She later said to a reporter from the Journal Gazzette that she was indeed retired from porn, “As long as I’m with Charlie. But be sure you put that in there though. ‘As long as I’m with Charlie, I am retired.”

Check out a few of these Bree Olson tweets, available for viewing by anyone, regardless of age, and decide for yourself if they were written by a retired porn star who is uninterested in maintaining her fan base.

So I’m not supposed to twitter about ****, *****, ***, ******* creampies gang bangs dildos porn or me being a slut… Shit, I just did. about 13 hours ago March 23

Mmmmm I am so horny. Can’t wait to get ****** again, and again, and again… And hmmm again. My panties have been wet all day. 10:25 PM Feb 25th

In bed, white t-shirt & nothing else. Legs spread and ***** ready to be penetrated. Would love to be full of *** so I can have sweet dreams. 3:02 AM Feb 26th

What’s  more painful than anal sex? Not getting to have any anal sex. Would someone come **** me in the ass please? 4:00 AM Feb 23rd

Wish I was a cheap $20 hooker laying in this bed and one guy after another would come in this room and *** inside me while I just lay here. 7:54 PM Feb 17th

Mmmm tired. I wanna go to a hot sunny place and sleep on the beach then wake up to getting raped by a stranger on the beach. That’s my dream 7:32 PM Feb 10th

Let’s face it, these tweets were written by a young lady who suspects, as we all do, that the Charlie Sheen Gravy train she’s on is bound to go off the rails sooner or later. If that happens, Bree Olson will need something, or more accurately, someone to fall back on!

Related Articles

• Charlie Sheen’s ‘Goddess’ Returns To Sober Valley Lodge (wycd.radio.com)
• Charlie Sheen Goddesses: Video, Pics of Natalie Kenly, Bree Olson (nowpublic.com)
• Bree Olson: Arrested for Drunk Driving (thehollywoodgossip.com)

Living A Porn Star’s Dream: Bree Olson Breaks Into The Mainstream World.

Once again, Charlie Sheen has grabbed the media spotlight by filing suit against Warner Bros. for $100 million! But enough about Charlie for a minute; let’s take a look at a certain blond, perky member of his entourage with a penchant for having sex in front of hairy Teamsters with video equipment!

To set the record straight- Charlie and I are doing great and we are very happy. Nat is a doll too. All is well less than 10 seconds ago  – March 7

That was a tweet from one of Charlie Sheen’s “Goddesses”, in response to the brief media firestorm that erupted last Saturday when Sheen tweeted that she had left him, supposedly for good. Further proof that the Sheen train wreck is spreading it’s wreckage everywhere!

They say any headline is good as long as they spell your name right. And if you’re a porn star trying to break into the world of mainstream entertainment, any headline with the name Charlie Sheen in it is worth its weight in gold.

Until recently the name Bree Olson was only familiar to those who watched her “films”, and most of them wouldn’t freely admit being a fan. Now the 24-year-old Texas native-born is basking in the warm glow of Sheen’s thermonuclear image meltdown.

She is sometimes referred to by her given name Rachel Marie Oberlin, but that name doesn’t elicit the response, “Bree Olson, Porn Star” does, so the media uses it sparingly when covering this whole sordid mess.

Besides, though he claims she’s retired from the porn game, Charlie can’t deny it was Bree Olson that first caught his….eye, not little Rachel Oberlin. It’s the old male fantasy of having the angel in the kitchen and the porn star in the bedroom, literally. Just look at some of her “porn credentials”,

• 2007 Adultcon Top 20 Adult Actresses
• 2008 AVN Award – Best New Starlet
• 2008 AVN Award – Best Anal Sex Scene (Video) – Big Wet Asses 10
• 2008 XRCO Award – Cream Dream
• 2009 AVN Award – Best New Web Starlet – BreeOlson.com
• 2009 Twisty’s Treat of the Year
• 2010 AVN Award – Best All-Girl Three-Way Sex Scene – The 8th Day

Her absence from Charlie’s circle has been noticeable, but she had a good reason. Namely, trying to keep herself out of jail!

Olson was arrested Feb. 3, after she crashed her Lexus and struck a light pole while in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where she reportedly owns a home. Her breathalyzer results were questionable and she was handcuffed after refusing to cooperate. Unfortunately for Bree, the cuffs weren’t her usual brand and the officer refused to spank her! You can get the whole story here.

One could argue she hasn’t made any money from Sheen up to this point but she’s living rent-free in his “Sober Valley Lodge”, and availing herself of all the creature comforts that entails. No matter what the final outcome of this whole media circus, it’s Bree Olson who will be able to parlay all the media attention into financial benefit.

In fact, footage of Olson appears in Not Charlie Sheen’s House Of Whores XXX (Porn titles are anything but subtle, aren’t they?), that features porn stars that have partied with Sheen in the past.

In another twist to this whole mess, PETA has grabbed some of the Sheen spotlight by honoring Bree for her vegan diet. Insert the obligatory joke about her enjoying sausage if you like, but I’m actually getting burnt out by all this “Sheen Madness.”

Rachel/Bree was conspicuously quiet during Jeff (I swear I still have my journalistic integrity!) Rossen’s Dateline Sheen Lovefest and he called her on it, but Sugar Daddy Charlie interjected and simply referred to her as the “Observer”.

I’d have to agree with that – she’s biding her time and is barely mentioning Sheen in her tweets, “It amazes me that so many complete strangers are so vicious towards me right now. I didn’t hurt anyone, so stop hurting me.” 3:28 AM Mar 2nd,  or one of my favorites, “For everyone calling me a slut or a whore….. Um DUH!!!!!! lol any new news?!” 5:00 PM Mar 3rd.

Her tweets bounce back and forth from clean and boring to porn star naughty, so consider yourself warned. I sincerely hope I’m wrong, but I’m willing to bet that sooner or later, the other shoe will drop and you’ll see Bree Olson, not Rachel Oberlin, benefit from all the strange happenings at Sober Valley Lodge.

Who knows, she may end up supporting Charlie now that he’s unemployed!

Either way, she’s made her mark, scrawled in tiger blood, on popular culture. She’ll forever be known as “Rachel Oberlin, a.k.a porn star Bree Olson and one of Charlie Sheen’s Goddesses”.

Related Articles

• Rachel Oberlin, Charlie Sheen goddess: “We do whatever Charlie wants us to do.” (cbsnews.com)
• Charlie Sheen ‘Goddesses’ Speak Out on ‘GMA’ (VIDEO) (tvsquad.com)
• Natalie Kenly vs. Bree Olson: Who Would You Rather… (thehollywoodgossip.com)

Charlie Sheen Is “Winning!” On The ‘Net.

They say you can’t keep a good man down, especially if he has “tiger blood” running through his well-travelled veins.

As you may or not may be aware, our man Charles has decided to further direct the media coverage of his “Winning streak” by taking to the internet under his own steam. Or if you prefer, hot air.

Sheen’s Korner debuted on Ustream last night and has drawn in over 1.2 million hits so far. I say “hits’ because watching this Charlie Sheen is like taking a knockout punch to the memory bank. I remember the gifted comic actor who got paid, (a lot!) to play himself on Two and a Half Men.

I don’t know who the hell this guy is.

Apparently though, “You’re either in Sheen’s Korner or with the trolls.”

Charlie basically sat in his self-made Sober Valley Lodge and ranted about his kids, his celebrity supporters and whatever he felt like for just under an hour. The Luckiest Porn star on the Planet, (not her official title) Bree Olson was there of course, milking the Sheen cash Cow for all it’s worth. More than 5,000 viewers (subscribers) have joined Sheen’s “Crowd” on his official Ustream channel, and I have a feeling they’ll be treated to more “Winning!” very soon.

I just don’t know if anyone is winning in this scenario. How can Charlie go back to CBS if he keeps this bridge burning going?

Go to his “channel” this morning and you’ll see “Episode 2: Torpedoes of Truth”, which appears to be Charlie yelling and swearing at an associate named Bob Maron while the camera at his feet records live! He then lights a cigarette and holds the active lighter flame to the camera. All the while Bob is trying to rein Sheen in but the effort is pointless.

“Are you going on again tonight?” Bob asks, seemingly unaware he’s apart of Episode 2. Charlie  keeps going at a pace that is exhausting to watch never mind maintain. I recommend you watch for yourself, but only for a little while. Prolonged exposure to the drug called Charlie Sheen  can prove fatal to your psyche.

What else can I say but the obvious, “Winning!”

Related Articles

• “Sheens Korner a Waste of Time? 5 Ways to Make Ustream Charlie Sheen Webcast Better” and related posts (blogs.babble.com)
• Charlie Sheen debuts web show, ‘Sheen’s Korner’ (hollywoodnews.com)
• You Know Who Else Thought Charlie Sheen’s Webcast Sucked? (eonline.com)

We’re All Charlie Sheen’s Playthings!

Update: Sober Valley Lodge; Rachel has left the building…, We’re sad…. Over it… Applications now being accepted! #winner 43 minutes ago via Twittelator 

 

From left: Natalie Kenly, Charlie Sheen and Rachel Oberlin: Mike Austin/NBC

Our buddy Charlie Sheen, Mr. “Tiger Blood” himself took to Twitter to once again, reach out to an increasingly confused world. This time he appears to be declaring the defection of one of the “Goddesses”  from “Sober Valley Lodge” (Sheen’s home), specifically Rachel Oberlin a.k.a Bree Olson.

THIS IS THE BREE OLSON PEOPLE REALLY KNOW!

This after millions of viewers of Dateline NBC watched Sheen declare his love for Oberlin and Natalie Kenly on a Friday night “Sheenfest”. People.com reported the split, then, in a flash, updated the story by saying Sheen himself declared,  ”She’s back!”

As for Jeff Rossen, the NBC reporter at the top of the Charlie Sheen food chain, he took to Twitter on Friday to vow to show viewers a Charlie “like you haven’t seen him before! His new home videos will blow you away.”

Really, Jeff?

I watched the show, and while Charlie hasn’t failed to entertain this week, it wasn’t really all that mind-blowing. But where would network television be without rhetoric, right?

“Charlie is one of the very few public people who cannot be accused of using the media to his own benefit. I would very much like to show my old friend the world of needs on the ground in Haiti, and introduce him and his tremendous wit to our hard-working Haitian staff.” – Sean Penn in a media statement Friday.

Charlie doesn’t use the media? Is Sean Penn drinking whatever they’re serving at Sober Valley Lodge? Penn claims to  be ready to support his old friend if Sheen is willing to get this hands dirty in Haiti.

Don’t worry Charlie, where Sean Penn goes, the cameras follow, he makes sure of that.

The bottom line is this – despite the career issues, Charlie’s having the time of his life treating all of us like drunken kittens and watching us stumble after his travelling media circus. So get used to it, people, the ride doesn’t appear to be over.

Related Articles

• Sean Penn welcomes Charlie Sheen’s support of Haiti (ctv.ca)
• Poll: Do You Agree With Charlie Sheen’s Goddess About Polyamory? (thegloss.com)
• Rachel Oberlin, Charlie Sheen goddess: “We do whatever Charlie wants us to do.” (cbsnews.com)
• Rachel Oberlin on Charlie Sheen Sex Life: A Dream Come True! (thehollywoodgossip.com)

Terrible Bits ‘n Pieces Of Pop Culture: Variety Pack

Image via Wikipedia

It’s been a crazy week in the ever-changing world of pop culture, friends. But then again sanity isn’t exactly the norm in Hollywood, is it?

Let’s begin with a man who truly exemplifies the whole “The most gifted artists are the craziest ones” analogue, Captain Jack Sparrow himself.

Johnny Depp will be strapping on a mask and holster outside of the privacy of his bedroom for Disney’s upcoming version of the Lone Ranger but director Gore Verbinski says he’s only interested in a new spin in which Depp’s Tonto isn’t just the sidekick – he’s the main man.

‘The only version of The Lone Ranger I’m interested in doing is Don Quixote told from Sancho Panza’s point of view,’ Verbinski tells the Los Angeles Times. ‘And hence I was honest early on with Johnny that Tonto is the part. We’re not going to do it [straight], everyone knows that story. I don’t want to tell that story.’

Don’t worry Gore, with Johnny Depp inhabiting Tonto’s skin, a traditional tale is the last thing you’ll get. It’s interesting to note that Depp inspires incredibly strong loyalty in his collaborators – Verbinski directed Depp in the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies – as well as the upcoming animated comedy Rango and Tim Burton and Depp have made seven films together!

On a personal note, The Hook’s still pissed they couldn’t find a way to cut through the legal red tape and bridge the connection between The Lone Ranger and The Green Hornet – The Hornet is The Ranger’s direct descendant – but that’s a mess for another day.

THE SHEEN TRAIN WRECK ROLLS ON…

Speaking of messes, Charlie Sheen just can’t stop talking trash while on vacation with his ex-wife, porn star girlfriend Bree Olson ( Winner of the  2010 AVN Award for Best All-Girl Three-Way Sex Scene for the The 8th Day, I bet that experience has proven invaluable!) and nanny! You’d think the guy would be too busy applying soothing skin cream to his genitals tired to move, much less burn more bridges, but he’s a trooper.

Yesterday, he was apparently working on a new HBO series., but the network moved quickly to dismiss that project as a rumor. Today, he’s shopping a tell-all book focussed on life on the Two and a Half Men set and he wants $10 million for the publishing rights, according to TMZ.

And speaking of Sheen’s ex (?) Brooke Mueller, what kind of mom divorces her children’s father and then publicly cavorts with him and his porn star girlfriend and their kids’ nanny?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring for Sheen, but odds are it’ll be fun to watch.

  Ginsburg Spaly Inc

Related Articles

• Director Gore Verbinski Talks LONE RANGER; Likens Johnny Depp as Tonto to a Crazy Sancho Panza (collider.com)
• ‘Lone Ranger’: Johnny Depp won’t be traditional Tonto, director says (herocomplex.latimes.com)
• Johnny Depp: My favorite comic book character is… (herocomplex.latimes.com)