#162: Writer’s Block.

…..

What, you actually thought I was going to write something?

I’m blocked, bitches!

#185: When The Elevator Button Won’t Light Up…

No matter how many times you push it!

You stand there for what feels like forever, furiously pressing your finger against a round piece of plastic.

• You press once, then twice and so on…
• The speed picks up as your frustration grows…
• Pretty soon your hand is smoking!
• You may even smash your fist against both buttons!

Image via Wikipedia

Nothing helps, of course. Nor does the eventual realization the button actually works, but the light is burnt out!

And that’s not all.

#186: Hangovers!

I’ll keep this brief; after all, anyone who can really identify with this one is in no shape to keep up!

Ironic, right?

If the all the pleas to the Big Guy don’t work…

• “I swear I’ll never drink again. EVER!”
• “Just let me sleep this off, please?”
• I just need to find my house keys and I’ll never ask for anything again – honest!”

Then you may need these tips from About.com…

1. Sleep. Rest is your best friend at this point to give your body a recover. It is best to stay in bed so call in to work if you have to, tell them you have the stomach flu. You will sound so horrible on the phone they may believe you (unless they saw you at the bar, not a good idea then).
2. Replenish your body with fruit juice and water.
3. Avoid caffeine. A weak cup of coffee may be okay but a lot of caffeine will continue to dehydrate you, the opposite of what you want right now.
4. Drink orange juice for Vitamin C.
5. Drink a sports drink like Gatorade or Powerade.
6. Eat mineral rich food like pickles or canned fish.
7. In Poland, drinking pickle juice is a common remedy. Barbara Rolek, About.com Guide to Eastern European Food, has more Hangover Food suggestions from this region.
8. Drink a Bloody Mary. While the popular phrase “hair of the dog that bit you” may sound logical with a shot of whiskey left in the bottle next to your bed, it’s only temporary. Try a Bloody Mary instead, while your blood is dealing with the new alcohol it is ignoring the old and in the mean time tomato juice and celery are full of vitamins. If you drank the last of the vodka make a Virgin Mary. Another spicy morning after drink option is Hair of the Dog, in which gin and hot sauce are sure to bite your hangover back. Yet another classic option, sans spice, are the aptly named Corpse Reviver drinks: #1 (brandy), #2 (gin), #2011.
9. Take a shower, switching between cold and hot water.
10. In Ireland it was said that the cure for a hangover is to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand.
11. Try Alka Seltzer Morning Relief. One reader says that it’s all that he and his wife have found that really works for them. He stumbled across this “cure” while his wife was still suffering after two days, within 15 minutes after taking the Alka Seltzer she was fine.
12. Get some exercise. Another reader suggests doing some sort of physical activity. He writes, “In the rare case of having hangover I usually drink about 1-2 liters of water and go outside to do some exercise like mountain climbing, swimming, cycling or just about anything that keeps me sweating.” It takes willpower to move like that when standing seems like a challenge, but it is a good theory.
13. The side effects of aspirin, Tylenol and ibuprofen can be magnified when alcohol is in your system, so it is best (even though it may be the first thing you reach for) to avoid them to kill the hangover pain. Aspirin is a blood thinner, just like alcohol, and can intensify its effects and Tylenol (or acetaminophen) can cause more damage to your liver. Ibuprofen can also cause stomach bleeding. So be cautious when going for the quick relief.
14. Watch the video: Hangover Remedies. Jonathan Stewart demonstrates how to make a blended hangover remedy. There are a more than a few ingredients so you may want to have everything organized prior to overindulging.
15. As an antidote, one reader takes a little extra multi B vitamin and drinks a lot of water before going to sleep.

This concludes the community service portion of The Book of Terrible!

Hang in there, and don’t drink so much next year, you poor, dumb bastards!

#188: The Sudden Realization You’re… “That Guy”!

PICTURE IT: Canada, 1990. A young fanboy is making his way through a crowded mall, an armful of comic books in tow, when he spots a balding, middle-aged father of three wrestling with his brood while his wife shopped.

The image burned its way into his consciousness while one thought resonated loud and clear…

“THAT POOR BASTARD! I’LL NEVER BE THAT GUY!”

THE PRESENT DAY: Guess who has become “That Guy”?

We all change and most of us evolve to the point where we heed our familial instincts; there’s no point in fighting it. But when you’re young you only see one side of things. When you’re young, family means…

• No freedom.
• No joy.
• One woman – forever!
• No sex! Which makes the preceding rule even more terrible!

Of course, if you make the right choice none of these conditions need come to pass. Pick a decent, loving mate and you’re suddenly unaware of any reservations you might have had; love separates you from selfish desires and allows you to enjoy the feeling that arises from living for something bigger than yourself. But you don’t know that when you’re young.

You don’t know anything, really.

#191: Made-For-Television Movies!

 They are the bastard children of cinema.

Much as Zeus, All-Father of Olympus did when he visited the homes of pretty little mortal maidens, these “films” are the result of directors who have strayed from their expected station and… lowered their standards, shall we say?

Let’s face it, most of these movies are reflective of the meager resources allotted the director and crew. And it shows – in spades.

Duel, a 1971 tale of a humble businessman and a crazed truck driver with MAJOR road rage, was a huge hit. Of course, it was written By Richard Matheson, directed by Steven Spielberg – yes, that Steven Spielberg – and starred a then-popular actor, Dennis Weaver, so that certainly helped.

Just a little.

Cover of Duel (Collector's Edition)

You don’t see too many directors of Spielberg’s calibre directing television movies, so Duel is a major aberration from the norm, such as The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning.

I’m sure that was a real winner in every way.

At this time of the year we have the most dreadful made-for-tv movies of all to look forward to: Christmas specials. Every washed-up or forgotten actor still breathing seems to gravitate to these  ridciculous pieces of TV cinema.

These movies also make me want to kill myself with a cheese grater.

The most notable exception – from a fanboy standpoint – is the The Star Wars Holiday Special. Produced in 1978 with only limited involvement from Lucas, it has been referred to as a “’70s train wreck, combining the worst of Star Wars with the utter worst of variety television.”

Image via Wikipedia

Unfortunately, most TV movies are a virus with no cure – except the remote, of course.

#192: Kim Jong-un – The Dumpling Heir to North Korea’s Future!

Fate has a sick sense of humor – and timing.

As if things weren’t bad enough these days, now we have to worry about this dumpling with arms and legs plunging the world into an entirely different type of winter – a nuclear one.

It’s safe to say no one trusts this little meatball.

• His two older brothers were deemed unfit to rule by their late father/madman.
• The current military regime knows he has no actual battlefield experience.
• The people know he has no leadership experience either – unless you count being first in line  at the buffet.

If our own media is to be believed, the North Korean people are worse than sheep, content to believe their last leader was so evolved he deserved the following titles…

• Guiding Sun Ray.
• Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification.
• Ever-Victorious Iron-Willed Commander
• Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love.

Image via Wikipedia

And 46 more! Despite their reputation for gullibility, political pundits are suggesting the new leader will have his pudgy little hands full attempting to convince his people they live in a grand and glorious country rather than an outdated regime on the brink of ruin.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but all I wanted for Christmas was a nice quiet day with my family, and the knowledge I live in a world stable enough to survive the holiday season.

There goes that dream.

#195: The Sudden Hipness of Ugly Holiday Sweaters!

I believe a lack of creativity is to blame for this latest holiday trend.

How else do you explain the sudden emergence of this latest fad? I mean, I hate the whole concept of “cool and uncool”, but come on! Who are people – by “people”, I mean fashion “experts” – trying to kid with this latest scam?

Ugly is ugly, people.

THEY MAY BE CUTE – BUT THEIR SWEATERS AREN’T! flickr.com

Aunt Betsy may have had her heart in the right place – and her meds mixed-up – but her holiday gift was and always be fugly. You can call a box of dog feces wrapped in a stylish design with a pretty bow a masterpiece and tout it around town as the latest hip trend…. but it still stinks!   

Then again, what do I know? You should see my wardrobe!

#196: Turducken!

Have you heard of this Frankenstein Monster of the culinary world?

Are we not fat enough in North America?

I don’t mean to be blunt, but this creation was designed to feed the obesity epidemic, not help fight it. A turducken is…

• A de-boned chicken stuffed into…
• A de-boned duck, stuffed into…
• A  de-boned turkey.

Seriously.

Apparently you can leave the bones intact if you’re feeling adventurous. I’m sure this dish is delicious, but the concept blows my mind! Why not wrap the turducken in cotton candy and dip it in chocolate?

My disrespect may enrage some champions of this new holiday trend, but I’m sure they can console themselves with a new creation…

La Turducken!!

• Just wrap a turducken in noodles and sauce.
• Bake into a lasagna!
• Have the defibrillator ready and the ambulance standing by.

Happy holiday eating, everyone!

Image via Wikipedia

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