#199: Office Nazis!

They’re sad little people who have allowed a title and an insignificant amount of power to go to their heads.

I realize the term “Nazi” conjures up horrific images, but think “Soup Nazi” rather than Indiana Jones. We’re delving into the world of office politics here, people; sticky yet ridiculous business! Every office has at least one employee who has voluntarily had their lips surgically grafted to the boss’ butt. They snoop around like rodents; always listening for scraps of info that will be helpful on their crawl/rise up the ladder.

And everyone hates them for it.

• The Jokester. He can’t make merry if a rat is nearby, can he?
• The Wise Old Veteran. They’ve seen Office Nazis come and go; but they’ve always hated them!
• The “Hawkeye Pierce” – The Unofficial Leader. They butt heads with them all the time.
• The Office Slut. She may sleep with them, but she’ll never respect them!

No one does. They’re middle-management weasels who refuse to take a step back and consider how others view them. Unfortunately, it is still illegal to trap and euthanize them.

Damn activists.

#1: The End! (Sort Of!)

HOOK’S NOTE: Well, here we are, the final terrible thing – if I followed conventional countdown protocol, at least.

But I’m not conventional. So here we go…

We’ve established the following: it’s a terrible world and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it but keep lurching forward as Life’s little yappy dogs nip at our heels all the way.

However, if this were a video game and multiple lives were available, we could fall on our pixellated swords and start over.

Here then, is my list of things that would make me end my video game life – 100 times over.

100 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF!

1. The phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”.
2. Lesbians who try to convert your wife.
3. Sloooow computers.
4. Being picked last – for anything.
5. Rejection letters.
6. Trying to list 100 things you’d want to kill yourself over.
7. 40-year-old guys who use the word “DUDE!” – A LOT.
8. Single people with more than one cat.
9. The political process.
10. Needles.
11. Parents who buy pets as Christmas gifts.
12. Test that involve metal objects and tubes inserted into your “fun holes”.
13. Deadbeat dads.
14. Working the midnight shift.
15. Smelly co-workers.
16. Pity sex.
17. The phrase “I’m late!”
18. The concept of “breakup sex”.
19. Drunken frat boys.
20. The concept of “friends with benefits”.
21. When yopu suck at something - like typing.
22. Co-workers who think they’re hilarious.
23. Cheap rich people.
24. Ugly hookers.
25. Guys who think $5 makes them a “big tipper”.
26. When you can’t remember her name the next morning.
27. Hairless cats.
28. Soft-core porn. What’s the point?
29. “Jackass”-type pranks.
30. Concession stand prices.
31. People who carry on affairs in front of the world.
32. Ass-kissing co-workers.
33. Couples who dress alike.
34. Peoples who dress their pets.
35. Doctors who just don’t give a damn.
36. The high price of funerals.
37. Drunk chicks who are too drunk to do anything.
38. Vomiting in the middle of the night.
39. 48-year-old nerds who really live in their Mom’s basement.
40. Reality TV.
41. Film franchises that just keep going. Indiana Jones, anyone?
42. The sun in your eyes as you’re driving.
43. A surcharge for 3D movies.
44. Hiccups.
45. Carol. It’s funnier if you know Carol.
46. Last call.
47. The fact that we hate certain people. Hate blows!
48. Liver.
49. Waiting for the cable guy.
50. High school dodgeball.
51. People that give you stupid nicknames – that stick!
52. Team-building exercises at work.
53. Able-bodied people on welfare – who make more than you do.
54. Shaving.
55. A sudden case of the “Hershey squirts”. Disgusting, I know!
56. Whatever’s really in the dark.
57. A stone in your shoe.
58. A sneeze that just… won’t… come!
59. Old people who smell like they just rose from the grave.
60. When you realize your kids are smarter than you’ll ever be.
61. Family reunions.
62. The question, “So what do you do?” at parties.
63. Constructing furniture from instructions.
64. Idiots who give advice on everything.
65. People who say “Y’now what I’m sayin’?” – all the time.
66. Taking cough syrup.
67. The day after payday.
68. When your daughter brings home a guy named Slash.
69. When you catch your wife with a guy named Slash.
70. Christmas fruitcake.
71. Being single on Valentine’s Day.
72. Watching a parent bully their own child.
73. People who think they’re tough – after two karate lessons.
74. Health nuts who try to convert you.
75. Road work.
76. Waiting in line at the DMV.
77. When your kid’s taste in music makes you feel old.
78. People that like to scare little kids.
79. Hot chicks who know they’re hot.
80. Forgetting  your spouse’s birthday, anniversary, etc.
81. The plow guy. How does he know when to strike?
82. Trying to park at the mall at Christmas time.
83. Reruns.
84. People that parktooclose.
85. Discovering your spouse has dated someone you hate.
86. Trying not to look at something you know you shouldn’t.
87. Parents who try to live through their kids.
88. Blind dates that truly go awry.
89. People who believe their own hype. Seth MacFarlane, anyone?
90. Families that shouldn’t have reproduced. The Lohans, Kardashians, etc.
91. Old people who watch porn.
92. Shopping on Boxing Day.
93. Douchebags. You know who you are.
94. Friends who mooch – for a living.
95. People who worship “Non-celebrities”. Snooki, anyone?
96. Naysayers. “You’re kidding yourself!” is a terrible thing to hear.
97. Trying to impress your Mother-in-law.
98. People who claim they have no money for tips – while on vacation.
99. Wives who publicly berate their husbands. Kate Gosselin, anyone?

And finally…

100.  Envy. In my case, for The Book of You-know-what! Where’s my book deal? My multiple copies and desk calendars? I’m ready for my crappy coffee commercial! I can’t sit by the door waiting for opportunity to knock any longer; I’ve got bills to pay, bitch!

Okay, I feel better now. I think.

I hope no one takes my “work” too seriously; it’s all in good fun here, people! We need to freak out from time to time. Thank you for accompanying me on this wild ride.

Come back soon for the next leg of the journey.

TERRIBLE!

#2: The Child NO ONE Will Play With…

I’m currently manning my post at the hotel, watching a little girl run back and forth through the lobby, yelling “Tommy, try to catch me! Try and catch me!”

Her slightly older brother does not respond.

“Try and catch me! Please try to catch me!”

He still refuses to even look her way.

I’m not exactly sure why, but it is the saddest sight I have seen in some time. She is breaking my heart, this little girl who wants nothing more from the world than a few minutes of playtime.

My apologies for the depressing nature of this post, but I rarely get to witness such a genuinely heartbreaking scene – fortunately. I couldn’t stand to view something like this too often!

It has sent me down an interesting path, though. How many of us have been in this little girl’s shoes? It appears as though she worships her big brother but he’s wrapped up in his own little world. And who could blame him? He’s a kid on vacation; he’s supposed to be overwhelmed!

The moment has now passed; Mom and Dad have collected the car and shuffled the siblings out of the lobby. Hopefully the lonely little girl will arrive at a fun destination filled with wonder and joy for her young brain to absorb.

If not, I don’t want to be here when she returns.

#3: When You Won’t Get Out Of Your Own Way!

My greatest enemy?

I see him every day when I drag my sorry butt out of bed! He means well, but his inner-demons have one hell of a grip on his subconscious.

I’ll never fully understand it, but we all let those inner fears and insecurities rise from the deepest rivers of our mind and pollute our personal ecosystem.

• Marilyn.
• The King.
• Michael Jackson.

They’ve all paid the ultimate price after refusing to confront their inner demons. If Marilyn had loved herself as much as the rest of the world she’d most likely still be with us. But celebrities are subject to greater pressures and temptations than the rest of us, right?

Wrong. Just look closer and you’ll see they faced the same problems we all do. Jackson was apparently beaten by his father on a regular basis. The King was surrounded by leeches and one-night stands. And Marilyn burned her way  through a string of  affairs – with high-profile lovers, yes, but between the sheets everyone is the same.

I’m willing to bet everyone who reads this can name at least one person in their life and immediate family who just refuses to  listen to reason.

• They drink at a pace that defies logic.
• Medication is a part of their daily routine. 
• Bad relationships come into their lives with the frequency of a cheap ham radio.
• There is a well of anger inside them that seems to go on forever.

Sound familiar?

We wish we could just shake them until the deficiencies drop out like pocket change. but it doesn’t work that way. I wish I could go back and stop myself from crossing that line during arguments with my wife. I always recognize when I’ve gone too far; I look back and see the line waaaay off in the distance!

Fortunately, I have a family to keep me grounded; I’ve yet to stray too far from the right path, but not everyone can make the same claim. “Lonely among us” is the best way to describe so many souls – even those with families – who just can’t seem to adapt their line of sight to see the truth of their existence.

We need a carrot dangled in front of us; struggling to overcome an obstacle defines us. But how do we overcome our very nature?

I truly wish I had the answer.

#5: Kids That Declare: “I’M BORED!”

Never let it be said that The Hook is unsympathetic to the plight of the Modern Kid; I realize kids have challenges that range from minor (convincing their parents to fork over their hard-earned cash for Justin Bieber concert tickets) to major (bullying, broken homes, etc.) but this a lighthearted jab at the modern rugrat, so let’s get silly,  shall we?

I know a child – who shall remain nameless in order to ensure my safety – that has the following items in her room..

• A big-screen plasma TV.
• A digital receiver.
• A DVD player and over 100  movies and various TV series boxed sets.
• Hundreds of books – of both the comic and novel variety.
• An iPad.
• Dozens of Barbies (Twilight, DC Comics superheroines, etc.)
• A laptop.
• Several portable video game devices and games.
• An iPod touch.

And that’s just the swag I know about! Despite this wealth of devices  designed to fill hundreds of hours of a child’s carefree existence, she will still periodically declare, “I’M BORED!”

I fondly recall the days of my carefree youth, when we rode bikes and drew fresh air into our young bodies. My summer routine was simple: I would get up at 9 am, eat a hearty breakfast of sugary cereal and hit the open road on my ten-speed. I’d be gone all day!

Of course, those days are long gone, A parent can’t let their child just gallavant like a vagabond until dinner, not in this world filled with monsters lurking around every corner.

But that’s a terrible fact to be explored another day.

As for children who feel they’re hard done by, they simply need to be reminded of just what they have - and how easily it can be taken away.

#7: BLACK FRIDAY!!!!

The name alone strikes terror into the hearts of the timid.

For those who are unwilling to die for big savings, this “holiday” signals a lockdown system in their brain that requires them to hide their car keys, avoid viewing flyers and switch the channel when commercials appear. For the timid, this day is not worth risking life and limb for a cheap television or laptop.

For the brave/crazy though, this is the day to shine. Like Jason Voorhees on a certain Friday, Black Friday is the moment they’ve waited all year for, the time to seize shopping glory at any cost.

At a Wal-Mart in Los Angeles, 20 people who were injured the Thursday before the big day, when a woman competing for prized merchandise blasted pepper spray into a crowd of her fellow crazies. Wal-Mart, of course, was the site of a Black Friday death in 2008 when a 34-year-old employee was killed trying to hold back the crowds at a Long Island location. The crazed crowd took the doors off their hinges and stormed the store. The man fell down and was trampled by over 200 people as he gasped for air.

But to some the real tragedy here was the disruption to their carefully planned shopping excursion.

Wal-Mart’s response to this senseless tragedy was to open their stores the night before and stay open all night.

That didn’t work out too well, did it?

Retailers can try to avoid a massacre, but the X-factor of human behavior will always trip them up. Regardless of the size or scope of the plan, Black Friday will always be a day filled with fear and loathing as shoppers attempt to tear each other to bits.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Related articles

• Woman Pepper Sprays Other Shoppers at Los Angeles Wal-Mart on Black Friday (shoppingblog.com)
• 10 Injured at LA Wal-Mart Black Friday Eve (time.com)

#8: When Your Fingers Can’t Leave The Radio Dial…

As a dad, husband, son-in-law, comic book fanboy, etc., I spend a great deal of time on the road – in  a mini-van, ‘natch – and I usually love driving around my fair city.

Except when there’s nothing on the radio.

Before you say, “Get a satellite radio, Hook!”, let me tell you, at the end of the month there is barely enough for comics and Coca-Cola, let alone luxuries/necessities like satellite radio! I manage to scrounge together enough to keep my daughter in graphic t-shirts and Monster High purses, but at the end of the day, I’m poor, dammit!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Getting back to my plain, old-fashioned radio, I’ve  lost track of the number of trips that went something like this…

1. Get in the van and start off on the open road.
2. Turn the radio on.
3. Hit a button and discover some crappy rap song about bitches and hos. I’m not gangsta enough for songs about bitches and hos, thankfully.
4. Hit another button and face an audio assault from that punk kid with the lesbian haircut! You know who I’m talking about!
5. Hit another button and find a great song – that’s ending!
6. Hit another button.
7. And another.
8. Discover “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls and wrestle with the moral implications of not hitting the button!
9. Hit another button – again!
10. And another.
11. JACKPOT! A great song. Just in time too, because…
12. I  arrive at my destination – and scream at my radio!

Related articles

• Sirius Trouble: Is Satellite Radio Headed for a Fall? (dailyfinance.com)

#9: Job Interviews!

Where to begin?

• First you sit in a crowded waiting area with other nervous souls who would kill you if it meant they’d be guaranteed the position!
• Then you sit down in another room while some middle-management schmuck stares at your file for what seems like forever. What’s in there, your life story?

Finally, the interview begins and you start to feel the heat when you get those inane questions hurled at you. If only you could answer truthfully.

• “Why did you leave your last position?”  They downsized my ass, that’s why!
• “Why did you choose us?”  Starvation doesn’t fit into my lifestyle!
• “What’s you ideal starting salary?”  I don’t know, what do you make?
• “How would you handle  a disgruntled customer?”  That depends, do you have bail coverage for employees?

Assuming you don’t leap over the desk and throttle said middle-management weasel, you should come through the ordeal physically unscathed, but forever scarred. Hopefully you have enough leeway in your schedule to grab a coffee before your next interview.

Unemployment rocks. right?

#10: Waiting Your Turn At The Pharmacy!

Pharmacies aren’t exactly known as urban hot spots, but they do attract a large crowd who are “dying” to get in.

Drug companies are more powerful and profitable than ever and your local drug store has become more than just the place to get your Prozac or Viagra; it’s the spot where your slow descent into madness begins. Oh sure, they tell you the wait is “about ten to fifteen minutes”, but unless you’re already medicated, you’d have to be a fool to believe them.

And so you wait.. and wait. In the meantime, you could always…

• Read the latest Cosmopolitan and discover the “Ten Things Your Man is DYING For You To Try in Bed!” Here’s a hint: just getting into the bed with the express purpose of engaging in coitus is enough for 90% of the male population, so maybe you should forget what the “experts” at Cosmo have to say.
• If you’re feeling extremely brave you could browse the “Family Planning” aisle and check out the latest innovations in “Climax Control Lubricant”. (I had no idea what it was either, so don’t feel bad!)
• You could always do your grocery shopping and pay 300% more per item than you’d pay anywhere else.
• If you’re really suffering you could try to grab a seat in one of the three seats provided for your comfort.
• A quick check of your blood pressure – which is sure to rise the longer you wait – is always a great way to pass the time.

Sooner or later your number will be up, hopefully before “your number is up”, so to speak!

#11: Searching For A New Job!

For many of you, there’s a good chance this is  #1 on your personal list of terrible things.

Is there anything worse than the fear and desperation that sinks in mere moments after you’ve lost a job?

“I can’t be out of work,” you think,  “I have bills to pay, a mortgage, kids that won’t stop growing, and a million other things to worry about. What am I going to do?

And so you start checking the paper and the local employment websites before you have to actually head down to that sinkhole of human misery, the dreaded unemployment office. You won’t find a soul in that place having any fun! The staff is angrier than the people they’re supposed to be helping!

We’ve all been there. What we do for a living defines most of us. It moulds our image in the eyes of society, unfortunately. Personally, I have no problem carrying the luggage of ungrateful douchebags in order to put bread on my table.

It’s certainly better than the alternative.