Ten Signs You May Have Picked The Wrong Hotel.

As a bellman, I’ve been fortunate enough to have worked at two reputable, well-run establishments.

But let me tell you, some places are a nightmare on toast. Summer will soon be here, and so here are some things to look for when checking in at your next home-away-from-home.

1)  There is a cemetery in the back of the parking lot.

2)  The front desk clerk asks you to check your gun.  If you say you don’t have one, he says “Would you like to rent one?”

3)  The brochure says “Exorcism Free for Three Months!”

4)  Your valet driver is Lindsay Lohan.

5)  Housekeepers walk around in Hazmat suits.

6)  At check-in they advise you off the “Dead Hooker Removal” surtax.

7)  The bathroom door has a coin slot lock.

8)  In-room movies consist of a pair of crazy homeless guys acting out scenes from 1980s teen movies.  (If you look closely, you’ll see the crazy homeless guys actually are 1980s teen actors)

9)  You have to cook your own food in the restaurant and Gordon Ramsay stands around and calls you a “stupid donkey!” the whole time.

10)  Your bellman is The Hook.

Ten Signs You’re Ridiculously Old.

As a bellman, I meet people of all shapes, sizes, ethnic backgrounds… and ages.

I’ve met millions of old folks in my day, but recently I encountered four ladies who were so old… wait, you’re probably thinking “How old were they, Hook?”

Well, let me tell you, they weren’t just old, they were ridiculously old. “How old is that?” you say? Well let me tell you.

You know you’re ridiculously old when..

1)  Betty White calls you an “young whippersnapper”.

2)  You took your first date to the grand opening of the Coliseum.

3)  Your first job was trimming Lincoln’s beard.

4)  In your day, calisthenics was called dodging dinosaurs.

5)  The first new technological advancement you can recall was fire.

6)  You can remember what Joan Rivers looked like before plastic surgery.

7)  The first celebrity scandal you can recall involved Adam and Eve getting evicted from the Garden of Eden

8)  Your first Christmas gift? An iClub.

9)  Your first Easter… was the first Easter.

10)  If you cut yourself, oil pours out.

Ten Signs Your Bellman Isn’t The Hook.

For the uninitiated: in my “day job” I am a bellman in Niagara Falls, the city that tries to sleep, but is always kept up by pesky tourists and the sound of all that running water.

To some, I am the worst thing that has happened to the hospitality industry since a certain innkeeper refused to find a space for Mary and Joseph, but the truth is, I have an award for my skills. (Yes, they give awards for that sort of thing!)

Sadly though, not every bellman has my skill set. Here are some signs to look for when evaluating your bellman.

1)  When he arrives at the room, he’s wearing your clothes.

2)  He holds out his hand and requests you pay the “Bellman Retirement Fund Tax.”

3)  After delivering your luggage, he pulls out a chair and proceeds to tell you about his life: “And then I turned twelve…”

4)  He sports a button that says “Trained by Chris Brown.”

5)  The tour he tries to sell you actually consists of his mom driving you around in her station wagon while she runs errands.

6)  He smells worse than grandma – and grandma has been dead for ten years.

7)  He removes all the doorknobs in the room and tries to sell them back to you.

8)  He calls your wife “Sweet Cheeks”.

9)  He calls you “Sweet Cheeks”.

10)    Upon entering your room, he strips and asks you “Where do want this junk?”

Ten Possible Explanations For Justin Bieber’s All-Too Public Meltdown.

While I’m certainly not a fan of “The Biebs” (to say the least), I’m not buying the authenticity of his current meltdown – the kid needs a few pointers from Charlie Sheen on how to burn out in style.

His latest fiasco, involving an airplane and a pet primate, is pathetic, rather than legendary.

What’s wrong with pop stars today, folks?

But I digress.

Here are ten possible reasons for Bieber’s current woes:

1)  Inferior hair products have seeped into his Frontal Lobe.

2)  His new head of PR? Michael Lohan.

3)  Too many late-night mentoring sessions with Kim Kardashian.

4)  Selena Gomez forgot to return his balls after their latest break-up.

5)  His Big Brother? Chris Brown.

6)  He knows I need blog fodder. Thanks, young lady.

7)  Being surrounded by impotent “Yes Men” and overpaid, blood-sucking handlers and seemingly-invisible parental figures makes one a complete douchebag. Go figure?

8)  Exposure to billions of flashbulbs has burned out every synapse that suppresses stereotypical celebrity behavior.

9)  He’s a whiny bitch.

10)  He’s never had to work a day in his life.  Justin went from being an unemployed teenage boy with no developed work ethic to being a ridiculously wealthy teenage girl with no work ethic.  Bieber appears to live in a bubble and as such, has no clue what it means to be a mature, productive member of a civilized society.

On a personal note, celebrities kill me with their elitist behavior – which we, as a society, have created with our unjustified worship. Do these people really think the authorities have nothing better to do with their time than police stars run amok?

I’ve never been more grateful to be nobody….

Ten Things, I, The Hook, Would Do If I Was a Supervillian.

It is “New Comic Book Day Wednesday”, a date celebrated and revered by fan boys and girls all over North America, and so I present to you a fan boy-inspired list.

1)  Blow Up Vegas.  Only when Céline was scheduled to play, of course.

2)  Set a pack of armed, genetically-engineered quail loose on Dick Cheney’s unarmed ass.  Let’s see how he likes it….

3)  Lock Kim, Kardashian in a room with a pack of feminists.   They don’t need to be armed or mutated to be deadly.

4)  Blow up Justin Bieber’s “Batmobile”.

5)  Blow up Justin Bieber.  You knew this was coming, right. Let’s face it, this would actually be considered this an act of heroism….

6)  Turn every member of the Ku Klux Klan’s skin black – permanently.

7)  Create a super computer with world-wide monitoring systems. Every time a child – or anyone for that matter – was bullied, the system would switch the bully’s personality with that of their victim. The results would be enlightening to say the least…

8)  Tie Chris Brown to a lamp post anywhere in the world and let nature take its course.  I hate that guy. Even the Nazis would have hated that guy.

9)  Use a time machine to prevent the creation of reality television. Yes, there are some genuine gems out there, but overall, it is a blight upon humanity.

10)  Create actual Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Which I would then teleport to George W. Bush’s front lawn…

A Top Ten List From The Hook: Alternatives To The White House Tour.

The budgetary axe fell on Washington tourists last Saturday as the Obama administration cancelled White House tours, citing staffing reductions inspired by automatic budget cuts, known in Washington douche language as the sequester.

Whatever you call them, these cuts, and the president’s decision to direct them at the public by closing off a location their taxes pay for,  have amounted to a public relation disaster for the Obama administration.

Out of concern for my American brethren who have been inconvenienced by the White House closure, I have complied this list of alternatives sites.

1)  The American Museum of Back Hair. Ron Jeremy personally donates thirty pounds a week… Even though they continually ask him to stop.

2)  Bill Clinton’s Cigar Emporium. But be warned: families are encouraged to keep the kids at the hotel….

3)  Dick Cheney’s Wild World of Nature. Three words: duck and cover.

4)  The Monica Lewinsky School for Female Interns. Come to think of it, most of these sites are not exactly kid-friendly. Although, in this day and age, what is?

5)  The Annual Congress Interns’ Hunger Games. They’re not kidding when they say it’s kill or be killed in Washington…

6)  The Hall of Presidential Kidney Stones. See Lyndon B. Johnson, James K. Polk, or even former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove,  in a whole new light.

7)  The Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia Daily Clearing of the Drunk Tank. See political hopefuls, rock stars and even Lindsay Lohan! (Lindsay Lohan subject to sobriety without notice.)

8)  “Shadow A Paparazzi” Tours. Ride along withthe hardworkingmen and women of D.C.’s rag mags as they stalk, follow Washington’s movers and shakers around town…

9)  Visit the traditional tourist spots and take bets on how long it takes your kids to spontaneously combust from boredom. This one is fun for the whole family. Okay, maybe not the whole family…

10)  The Alternative White House Tour. This one is for the truly fearless: get some eggs and aim for… well, anywhere. In roughly three minutes, give or take, the Secret Service should be on-site to give you a tour of the White House few people get to see.  Or get to talk about.

Ten Terrible Job Options For Matt Lauer.

News broke today htat Matt Lauer, currently the host of NBC’s Today show, is being fitted for a regulation network noose. He appears to be the fall guy – and not the cool Lee Majors type, either – for an entire morning show.

Only a week after he signed the most lucrative deal in the 60-year history of boring morning shows, The Today show fell to second place in the ratings.

For the first time in 16 years.

Today’s ratings took an even greater hit when co-host Ann Curry was axed this summer, an act many pinned on Lauer.

Lauer’s “Q Score” —  a measurement of his popularity with the viewing public — has dropped by more than 50% since he first co-hosted with Curry. In September, Lauer’s Q Score was 19. As of January of this year it had plummeted to a nine.

The biggest strike against Lauer, at least in my opinion? Managers at NBC News were told this week that they would receive smaller bonus checks for 2012 because of the Today show ratings slump.

Mess with the revenue flow of a douchebag in a suit and you’re signing your own death warrant, Matt.

Here then, are ten job options for Matt, should the axe truly fall on his ridiculously overpaid neck.

1)  Fox News Corespondent. In spite of everything, he still beats the stuffing out of Sarah Palin.

2)  Handler for Lindsay Lohan. He could ensure she wears panties when she goes out, that she stays on the right side of the road, and he could screen calls from her dad. He could even hold her head up over the toilet as she vomits. Hey, someone has to do it…

3)  Kardashian baby nanny. Someone has to teach the little devil spawn how to be rich and simultaneously unsuccessful.

4)  Wing man for Tiger Woods. I think they’d make quite the pair, don’t you?

5)  Late-night Talk Show host. Jimmy Kimmel appears to be the most reviled host in late-night history and he’s still on the air, so Lauer may be a perfect fit for the job.

6)  Adviser to Kim Jong-Un. North Korea appears to be in the business of creating bombs anyway…

7)  He could headline a new show for HBO. Lauer and Al Roker could star in “No Sex In The City.“

8)  Bicycle-company executive. He could follow  in his late father’s footsteps. Of course, Matt appears to be better at taking the wheels off of things…

9)  Bryant Gumbel’s butler.

10)  Saturday Night Live cast member. He’s already the punchline of many a joke…..

Related articles

• Matt Lauer May Replace Alex Trebek on ‘Jeopardy’ (And The Morning Links) (uproxx.com)
• Ann Curry: Matt Lauer Sucks, But NBC Execs to Blame For Today Debacle (thehollywoodgossip.com)