Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

1)  “Jay-Z would have been here, but he’s building a summer house in Cuba.”

2)  “Trump’s here? Have the Secret Service shoot to kill!”

3)  “Make sure all the Bushes are seated as far from the bar as possible. And keep the waitresses away from their table.”

4)  “What type of wine goes with humiliation?”

5)  “Tina Fey and Sarah Palin are making out in the bathroom!”

6) “When should we tell the Secret Service we’re replacing their suits with non-functioning, but stylish Iron Man armor?”

7)  “Gwyneth Paltrow  just showed up – nude.”

8)  “I heard Disney bought the White House.”

9)  “Is this a good time to reveal our new breathing tax?”

10)  “What can we pull off while everyone’s distracted by this crap?”

The Gwyneth Paltrow “Red Carpet Commando” Scandal: What Could Have Been.

Poor Gwyneth.

For those who haven’t been keeping up-to-date on the activities of the “It” Girl of the month, (seriously, Ms. Paltrow is EVERYWHERE these days!), raised quite a few eyebrows – and other body parts, I’m sure – when she donned a dress with sheer side panels, and no underwear, this week while walking the red carpet at the Iron Man 3 premiere.

Gwyneth discussed the incident while appearing on Ellen this week: “Yeah, Oh, I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went I couldn’t wear underwear. … Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor…So I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated. In one day.”

Personally, I think it could have been worse; even bad publicity can be good for one’s career. (Think about it for a moment: when was the last time you considered Reese Witherspoon before she mouthed off at the fuzz?)

Here are some ways Ms. Paltrow could have truly gone haywire while on the red carpet…

1)  Those side panels could have been positioned on top of the dress.

2)  Justin Bieber could have whisked her off the red carpet and taken her to Germany where authorities would have no doubt confiscated her…

3)  She could have been voted most “Bootylicious Celebrity” by “Crazy White Chicks” magazine.

4)  Mario Batali could have been her date.  (That guy irks me. I find him irksome)

5)  Taylor Swift could have been her date.  (Swift has dated everyone else in Hollywood.)

6)  Gwyneth could have announced her newest literary project: 200 pages of her weekly shopping lists.  (Because let’s face it, people buy anything written by certain celebrities.)

7)  She could have announced she was pregnant and that her new child would be named”Iron” and “Man”.  (She has two kids named Apple and Moses.)

8)  Ms. Paltrow could have initiated a make-out session with brother Jake.  (Hey, it worked for Angelina!)

9) She could have announced her intentions to sign a contract with Vivid Video to star in a series of films entitled “Through The Back Door With Gwyneth.”

10)  She could have started singing.

Have a happy weekend, folks!

Job Opportunities For Justin Bieber’s Monkey.

Pop superstar Justin Bieber (or as a teenage girl I met today described him, “that colossal asshat with the gay hair.”), has relinquished rights to his capuchin monkey, Mally, according to German authorities.

Mally was only 14-weeks old when Bieber attempted to bring the primate into the country illegally while on tour. As if the Germans haven’t suffered enough….

The sanctuary where Mally is being kept has now received two emails from Scooter Braun, Bieber’s manager. (Who the hell names their kid Scooter? Then again, having a manager named Scooter fits Bieber’s man-child image, doesn’t it?)

The first inquiry asked how long it would be before Mally would be euthanized. After discovering German shelters do not put down animals – especially those who are found to have been subjected to cruel and unusual punishment such as being owned by pop stars – Braun asked the shelter “Would you happen to have any recommendations for places that Mally would be safe and thrive?”

And so Mally has been cast out into a sometimes cold and uncaring world. Personally, I have given the matter some thought (What else am I going to do during an eleven-hour shift in a Niagara Falls hotel during the off-season? Not work, that’s for sure!)

Here are some possibilities for gainful employment that Mally may want to explore.

1)  Bodyguard for Reese Witherspoon.  (She could train Mally to attack cops on command!)

2)  PR agent for Reese Witherspoon.  (I imagine Reese’s current PR flake isn’t long for this world.)

3)  Anchorperson.  (Molly can’t do any worse than that poor schmuck who cursed on-air.)

4)  Pop star.  (A screeching monkey can’t sound any worse than Bieber.)

5)  Walmart greeter.

6)  Legal representation for Lindsay Lohan.  (Once again, Mally couldn’t do any worse than Lohan’s current lawyer.)

7)  Fry cook at Denny’s.

8)  Entrée at Denny’s.

9)  Running Mate for Sarah Palin 2016 presidential run.

10)  Major league baseball pitcher.  (Think about it: a monkey has to have a decent pitching arm, right?)

Good luck, Mally. If worse comes to worse, you can always become a bellman. (Trust me, you’re overqualified.)

Lesser Known Facts About Monday.

Monday is…

1)  The bastard child of Saturday and Sunday.

2)  The only Kardashian to hold down an actual job.

3)  Filled with self-loathing.  (I guess Mondays really do suck.)

4)  A huge fan of The Hoff.  (Even has his German albums.)

5)  A Belieber.

6)  Dated Taylor Swift.  (Then again, who hasn’t?)

7)  Was the first choice for Ray Romano’s role in “Everyone Loves Raymond”.  

8)  Monday’s favorite song?  Friday by Rebecca Black.

9)  Actually writes erotic fiction under the pen name E.L. James.

10)  Has it’s own YouTube channel   (But not a single view.)

Code Names Peter Parker Rejected Before Settling On Spider-Man.

1)  The Amazing Peeper  (You’re a teenage boy who just gained the ability to climb walls. What’s the first thing you’re going to do?)

2)  The Scarlet Stalker.

3)  He Can last All Night Man.  (Mary Jane wasn’t that easy to land at first.)

4)  The Amazing Ass-hat.

5)  The Webbed Wingnut.

6)  The Scarlet Sex Machine.

7)  Along Came A Spider Guy.  (Admittedly, he got really baked one night and read a book of nursery rhymes.)

8)  The Two-Minute Wonder.  (Gwen Stacy gave him that one after a botched attempt at coitus.)

9)  Dead Man Swinging  (Remember, he got his powers from a radioactive spider bite.)

10)  Superman.  (Kryptonian lawyers threatened to sue the radioactive ass off him.)

Lesser Known Kardashian Relatives

What can I say?  People love to read about the crazy Ks…

1)  Khlamydia Kardashian.

2)  Kamouflage Kardashian.  (Its funny, but no one ever sees her…)

3)  Androgynous Kardashian.   (He/She is a living doll. Literally!)

4)  Kinky Kardashian.   (Fittingly, no one’s ever seen her face.)

5)  Lucid Kardashian.  (No one believes in this Kardashian.)

6)  Kitty-Cat Kardashian.  (It may not be funny, but it’s fun to say.)

7)  Crash Kardashian.

8)  Senile Kardashian.  (Known in the family as “Kris” or”Mom”.)

9)  Nutty as Fruitcake Kardashian.  (Otherwise known as “Kim”.)

English: Kim Kardashian, taken at the unveiling of her Madame Tussaud’s wax figure. (You can see the figure’s elbow at the far right) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

10)  Comatose Kardashian.  (INSERT JOKE HERE. I’m beat!)

Ten Things You Should Never Say When Crossing The Border.

For those not in the know, The Hook is a resident of Niagara Falls, Canada.

As such, I’ve come to realize that border guards are not exactly well-versed in the art of friendly banter with travelers.

To say the least.

Here then, are some tips on what not to say when crossing the border between countries.

1)  When the customs officer says “Do you have anything to declare?”, don’t say “Only my undying contempt for you!”

2)  “Is it true you have a special ‘Buy One Get One Free’ deal on Mexicans right now?”

3)  “I bet my piece is bigger than yours!”

4)  “Pay no attention to that thumping. I’ve been meaning to get that trunk triple-insulated, but I’ve been too busy. You know how it is, right?”

5)  “I’m just here to open my 100th meth lab!”

6)  “Could you recommend a good place to score, but in a safe neighborhood?

7)  “Be careful while handling that passport, the ink is still wet.”

8)  “Do you have a recycling bin? I need to throw out these beer bottles.”

9)  “Be honest, does this concealed weapon make me look fat?”

10)  “My name is Lindsay Lohan.” (or if you’re male) “My name is Charlie Sheen.”