Those are the facts as I know them.

Now on with the show!

1)  ”I think my heart just started beating again!”

2)  ”My plastic hip just warped!”

3)  ”At last! Death has finally come to give me the sweet release!” 

4)  ”Does this mean Judge Judy won’t be on today?”

5)  ”Great, another excuse for my kids not to visit!”

6)  ”Tell those kids next door to turn down their damn rock music!”

7)  ”Did someone run into the day room with their kid’s car?”

8)  ”Who had extra fiber this morning?”

9)  ”My back!”

10)  ”Is this today’s activity?”

2)  ”Can I borrow your credit card?”

3)  ”Want to switch spouses?”

4)  ”I hear this place has been cockroach-free for almost two weeks now!”

5)  ”Slip the front desk agent a twenty and they’ll actually use soap and water to clean the glasses!”

6)  ”I heard they now have televisions that get three stations!”

7)  ”I’ve been off my meds for four hours now with barely any incidents! That’s a personal best!

8)  ”Sorry.”  (“What for?” you ask.  A moment later… you know!)

9)  ”I think The Hook works here!”

10)  ”HEY THERE!  MY NAME’S GARY.  GARY BUSEY!”

2)  ”I wish someone would raise the toilet seat, I’m thirsty.”

3)  ”Damn cats.”

4)  ”I wonder how much Obama’s dog pulls in?”

5)  ”Tomorrow’s the day I finally get that squirrel!”

6)  ”Wish I could see in color; Tom Cruise is bland enough in black and white!”

7)  ”Why does the female keeps getting my name wrong? It should be ‘Oh Dog! Oh, Dog!”

8)  ”Whose slippers should I chew up next?”

9)  ”Hey, they’re doing it me style!”

10)  ”Well, it’s noon. Time to lick my genitals.”

2)  The Kama Sutra.

3)  A coupon that reads “Good For One Full Body Massage From Me.”

4)  A copy of “Don’t Blame Me: A Guide To Motherhood.” by Dina Lohan.

5)  A used vacuum.

6)  Your laundry.

7)  A t-shirt that reads “Moms Love It In The Kitchen!”

8)  A male escort.  (To be fair, Mom will most likely love this gift, but dad’s gonna be pissed!)

9)  A lifetime membership in the “Sex Toy of the Month” club.

10)  Tickets for a one-on-one meet ‘n greet with Chris Brown.

Bad, Lauryn!

This situation, and Hill’s hubris (you can’t hide from the Tax man, girl!), got me thinking.

Don’t worry, it only hurt a little.

Here are some charges I feel should be leveled against other celebrities for their many crimes against the United States and humanity in general.

1)  Lindsay Lohan:  Domestic terrorism. Let’s face it, she’s hit just about every moving vehicle in the US by now; there has to be a hidden agenda here. No one is that foolish or reckless, right?

2)  Charlie Sheen:  How much time do you have?

3)  Carly Rae Jepsen:  Noise pollution. That damn song makes my ears bleed.

4)  Justin Bieber:  Primate smuggling and impersonating a teenage lesbian.

5)  Reese Witherspoon:  Polluting the internet with stories of the most dumbass arrest ever! And yes, Reese, I know your name.

6)  The entire Kardashian clan:  Crimes against humanity too numerous to mention, ‘natch.

7)  Chris Brown:  Being a disgrace to everyone with a penis.

8)  Rihanna:  Aiding and abetting Chris Brown. I swear, smoking hot looks are wasted on the beautiful. Rihanna has proven herself to be a danger to herself and others and must be stopped.

9)  Gary Busey:  Simply put, he’s going to hurt himself. Period.

10)  Tom Cruise:  His ego has been violating United States airspace restrictions for decades and is threatening to disrupt weather patterns and may even plunge the planet into another ice age. I love your work, Tom, but come on!

Enough said?

1)  “Oh, now I remember this one! Everybody dies at the end!”

2)  “Crack open that container of pickled eggs!”

3)  “Don’t look now, but my spouse just walked in. You don’t mind ducking down, do you?”

4)  “I heard they tripled the number of previews.”

5)  “I really shouldn’t have had those five burritos for dinner.”

6)  “I heard Pauly Shore is brilliant in this.”

7)  “Pass that bottle of Jägermeister over here!”

8)  “I have to go to the bathroom. Hold my camcorder, will you?”

9)  “”I have to take this call.”

10)  “My zipper’s stuck!”

2)  “Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Sing – We Promise!”

3)  “More Explosions Than A Michael Bay Home Movie!”

4)  “Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Iron Commando!”

5)  “Robert Downey Jr. Unleashes His ‘Little Iron Man’!”

6)  “Gwyneth vs. Reese: To The Death!”

7)  “The Armored Avenger Faces His Greatest Foes: The Clan Kardashian.”

8)  “Soundtrack By Weird Al Yankovik.”

9)  “Chris Brown Gets A Repulsor Blast To The Face, We Swear!”

10)  “Iron Man Gets A New Sidekick: Lindsay Lohan! You Will Believe A Train Wreck Can Fly!”

2)  “Trump’s here? Have the Secret Service shoot to kill!”

3)  “Make sure all the Bushes are seated as far from the bar as possible. And keep the waitresses away from their table.”

4)  “What type of wine goes with humiliation?”

5)  “Tina Fey and Sarah Palin are making out in the bathroom!”

6) “When should we tell the Secret Service we’re replacing their suits with non-functioning, but stylish Iron Man armor?”

7)  “Gwyneth Paltrow  just showed up – nude.”

8)  “I heard Disney bought the White House.”

9)  “Is this a good time to reveal our new breathing tax?”

10)  “What can we pull off while everyone’s distracted by this crap?”

For those who haven’t been keeping up-to-date on the activities of the “It” Girl of the month, (seriously, Ms. Paltrow is EVERYWHERE these days!), raised quite a few eyebrows – and other body parts, I’m sure – when she donned a dress with sheer side panels, and no underwear, this week while walking the red carpet at the Iron Man 3 premiere.

Gwyneth discussed the incident while appearing on Ellen this week: “Yeah, Oh, I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went I couldn’t wear underwear. … Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor…So I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated. In one day.”

Personally, I think it could have been worse; even bad publicity can be good for one’s career. (Think about it for a moment: when was the last time you considered Reese Witherspoon before she mouthed off at the fuzz?)

Here are some ways Ms. Paltrow could have truly gone haywire while on the red carpet…

1)  Those side panels could have been positioned on top of the dress.

2)  Justin Bieber could have whisked her off the red carpet and taken her to Germany where authorities would have no doubt confiscated her…

3)  She could have been voted most “Bootylicious Celebrity” by “Crazy White Chicks” magazine.

4)  Mario Batali could have been her date.  (That guy irks me. I find him irksome)

5)  Taylor Swift could have been her date.  (Swift has dated everyone else in Hollywood.)

6)  Gwyneth could have announced her newest literary project: 200 pages of her weekly shopping lists.  (Because let’s face it, people buy anything written by certain celebrities.)

7)  She could have announced she was pregnant and that her new child would be named”Iron” and “Man”.  (She has two kids named Apple and Moses.)

8)  Ms. Paltrow could have initiated a make-out session with brother Jake.  (Hey, it worked for Angelina!)

9) She could have announced her intentions to sign a contract with Vivid Video to star in a series of films entitled “Through The Back Door With Gwyneth.”

10)  She could have started singing.

Have a happy weekend, folks!

Mally was only 14-weeks old when Bieber attempted to bring the primate into the country illegally while on tour. As if the Germans haven’t suffered enough….

The sanctuary where Mally is being kept has now received two emails from Scooter Braun, Bieber’s manager. (Who the hell names their kid Scooter? Then again, having a manager named Scooter fits Bieber’s man-child image, doesn’t it?)

The first inquiry asked how long it would be before Mally would be euthanized. After discovering German shelters do not put down animals – especially those who are found to have been subjected to cruel and unusual punishment such as being owned by pop stars – Braun asked the shelter “Would you happen to have any recommendations for places that Mally would be safe and thrive?”

And so Mally has been cast out into a sometimes cold and uncaring world. Personally, I have given the matter some thought (What else am I going to do during an eleven-hour shift in a Niagara Falls hotel during the off-season? Not work, that’s for sure!)

Here are some possibilities for gainful employment that Mally may want to explore.

1)  Bodyguard for Reese Witherspoon.  (She could train Mally to attack cops on command!)

2)  PR agent for Reese Witherspoon.  (I imagine Reese’s current PR flake isn’t long for this world.)

3)  Anchorperson.  (Molly can’t do any worse than that poor schmuck who cursed on-air.)

4)  Pop star.  (A screeching monkey can’t sound any worse than Bieber.)

5)  Walmart greeter.

6)  Legal representation for Lindsay Lohan.  (Once again, Mally couldn’t do any worse than Lohan’s current lawyer.)

7)  Fry cook at Denny’s.

8)  Entrée at Denny’s.

9)  Running Mate for Sarah Palin 2016 presidential run.

10)  Major league baseball pitcher.  (Think about it: a monkey has to have a decent pitching arm, right?)

Good luck, Mally. If worse comes to worse, you can always become a bellman. (Trust me, you’re overqualified.)