#123: This One Speaks For Itself…

A North Georgia chapter of the Ku Klux Klan has applied to “adopt” a stretch of highway in Union County, Georgia,

Seriously.

I know I’m not the only one losing his mind over this… Seriously, my frontal lobe is under siege at the moment. The KKK is the closest thing this world has to a super-villain team and they want to be recognized as a run-of-the mill community group?

Just look at this shot and tell me you don’t think of a superhero movie or comic:

Three Ku Klux Klan members standing beside automobile driven by Klan members at a Ku Klux Klan parade through counties in Northern Virginia bordering on the District of Columbia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This group just seems.. unreal to me. Every facet of their existence burns through me, right to the core.

If the Georgia Department of Transportation accepts the application (I’ll kill them all!) AND the KKK would be responsible for cleaning litter on a part of Georgia State Route 515 in the Appalachian Mountains near the North Carolina border.

“All we want to do is adopt a highway,” said April Chambers, the chapter’s secretary. “We’re not doing it for publicity. We’re doing it to keep the mountains beautiful. People throwing trash out on the side of the road … that ain’t right.”

Incidentally, was this chick hard up for work or what?

At any rate, here’s another gem from Miss Chambers: “We’re not racists. We just want to be with white people. If that’s a crime, then I don’t know. It’s all right to be black and Latino and proud, but you can’t be white and proud. I don’t understand it.”

I share your confusion, you poor, deluded, woman…. But for completely different reasons, of course.

Ku Klux Klan (Photo credit: Paul Lowry)

Related articles

• KKK Chapter Wants to Adopt Stretch of Highway (fox8.com)
• KKK Group Seeks to Adopt Highway for Cleanup (foxnews.com)

#125: The Return of “The Saccharine Menace”!

First The Book of Awesome was responsible for overloading my artificial joy receptors, now I’ve become aware of another “happy, happy, joy, joy” menace on the horizon….

The Care Bears are back.

Just let that sink in for a moment…

Meet the Care Bears (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-Lot introduces the likes of Tenderheart Bear, Share Bear, Cheer Bear and a whole batch of other “sugary-sweet menaces” to a whole new generation of children just waiting to hug a TV in approval.

I want kids to go out and hug a tree – though not literally – rather than embrace the TV and become little “Ambassadors of Awesome”. The world is a harsh, unfeeling place at times; why do we have to put up with crap like this on top of every other modern plague Fate has unleashed recently?

Hasn’t the world suffered enough at the manicured hands of the Kardashians?

Just shoot me now, I beg of you….

Related articles

• ‘Care Bears’ return: First Look (insidetv.ew.com)
• FIRST LOOK: ‘Care Bears’ Reboot (huffingtonpost.com)

#126: Babies!

So I’m sitting at my desk in the hotel lobby when the blissful, all-too-brief silence is broken by the wail of a mewling babe.

But not a babe of this variety…

Single-highhandedly responsible for a spike in Vaseline sales: Ms. Kayden Kross!

or this type…

One hot tamale: Carmen Luvana!

What the hell was I writing about? Oh yeah,  this was the type of babe I had to deal with…

I don’t know who this rugrat is.. And I don’t care!

Toddlers don’t realize how good they have it. They don’t do any of the following:

• Dress themselves.
• Pay taxes.
• Cook their own meals.
• Bathe on their own.
• Clean up after themselves in any way.
• Work for the “Man”!

Of course I’ve missed a million or so additional injustices where babies are concerned, but you get the picture, right? We’ve let these little brats get away with sponging off the fruits of our labor for too long!

If only I could get someone to wheel me around all day like I don’t have a care in the world; that would be sweet…

#127: Kanye West Wants to Build a Theme Park.

Do I really need to say anything about this?

I mean, this concept alone is capable of generating more than a few hilarious – and disturbing -  thoughts in your head, right? Can you imagine the Kim Kardashian-inspired ride? 

Of course, plenty of people have already rode the Kim Kardashina ride.. If you know what I mean? If not, she’s slept with a lot of guys. She’s even filmed at least one encounter – that we know of, that is.

The ‘Stronger’ rapper, who has previously ventured into film making, creating a women’s fashion line and opening a restaurant chain — and building the biggest ego in the entertainment industry – wants to use his Donda design company to create a leisure resort that will “change entertainment experiences.”

“I want to work on cities, I want to work on amusement parks, I want to change entertainment experiences or life. Something like if [late designer Alexander] McQueen or [filmmaker] Tarsem Singh was to meet the entertainment value of a Cirque du Soleil or a Walt Disney. With the Donda company, this is our first installation.”

The 34-year-old moron… I mean “musician” _ I guess – recently admitted he hopes his film Cruel Summer — which has little dialogue, a musical score and seven screens depicting different images — will revolutionize the cinema going experience.

Hasn’t he done enough damage already?

This coupling alone has damaged my psyche – already overrun by  celebrity nonsense – irreparably.

I’m beginning to think Kanye hates white people…

Related articles

• Kanye West Debuts New Film Experience (1015jamz.cbslocal.com)
• Kanye West Wants To Build His Own Disneyland!! (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#129: Couples You Love To Hate!

Sometimes Fate just likes to screw with us.

No other explanation can possibly account for those all-too common instances in which two truly despicable human beings decide to combine their negative energies to create a truly terrifying coupling.

Case in point…

Notice how she only has eyes for the camera? How about this one?

How could these two ever expect to love another human being as much as they love themselves?

Of course, its not just celebrities that should be held accountable for this crime against humanity; I’ve known plenty of “non-famous” couples that have become infamous in their little circles for being the Couple We Love To Hate. They make people shudder every time they crawl into a room as individuals, never mind as a duo! I’m talking about the type of person who calls out their own name during sex!

No one seems willing to stand up to them – not that it would do much good… Crazy people – or the criminally insane , for that matter – never think they’re crazy!

And they say opposites attract. If only that was always the case.

#130: Miley Cyrus!

Yes, she gets her own specific entry.

She’s just that bad. And that much of a disappointment. From the Disney Channel to The Playboy Channel (it’s inevitable, I’m predicting it right here and now!) she has simply given up, it seems.

Rather than make music or act – she may have sucked at both, but she was trying – she simply wants to take the Kardashian route and be famous for being famous. Sure, she is supposedly recording a new album, but who cares?

This is all the public pays attention to…

And who can blame them?

The Hook Presents… The Bellman Chronicles!

HOOK’S NOTE: Sorry for the interruption, folks, but I have an announcement to make. Without any further adieu..

Well, the road has been long and the process has confounded me time and again, but with more than a little support from friends (blogging and otherwise!), family and dozens of CreateSpace wizards, my mission is complete!

I’ve distilled fifteen years of hospitality misadventures into a single volume. And here it is…

The first physical proof is in my hands and all that remains is to review, tweak and revise. Then the fun really begins: selling the blasted thing! By the way, the cover design comes to you courtesy of my multi-talented child prodigy, Sarah.

Once I submit any changes to CreateSpace there will be a final waiting period of five to seven days and then I’ll be occupying a little space on Amazon.com. Drop by any ole time…

Related articles

• Amazon now lets self-published authors sell print books in Europe (paidcontent.org)
• CreateSpace Now Offers Independent Authors Zero-Cost, Inventory-Free Distribution to Amazon Customers in Europe (teleread.com)
• Selling Self-Published Books: The Amazing Amazon (catherineryanhoward.com)
• The Road to Home is being published! (thewiregrassandpine.wordpress.com)

#131: When The Butter Melts Too Quickly On Your Toast!

I hate when this happens.

Don’t we suffer enough in this cold, cruel world? You butter, you pour some coffee or milk, – whatever floats your morning boat – and by the time you sit down, all you have is two pieces of bread with no surface butter! There are supposed to be rivers of buttery goodness covering that bread, gosh darn it!

Can you tell I have a terrible headache today? Hey, that’s another terrible thing!

I’m on a roll…

#132: Slurpee Lite.

I sear, sometimes these posts write themselves.

Tired of the crushing guilt that accompanies a dinner consisting of a 7-Eleven hot dog and a bag of Doritos washed down with a brain-freezing beverage best known for its weird colors, wild tastes and wacky name?

Then try a Slurpee Lite, you fat, ignorant bastard!

Slurpee Lite will target females in their 20s with this tagline: “All flavor. No sugar.” They forgot, “No brains.” At any rate, an 8-ounce Slurpee Lite Fanta Sugar-Free Mango – what a mouthful – has 20 calories vs. 66 calories in an 8-ounce Fanta Wild Cherry Slurpee drink, the best-selling conventional Slurpee.

Yes, 7-Eleven, the nation’s largest convenience chain with the most depressed employees on Earth, will introduce a low-cal line of Slurpees into an already messed-up world, starting this summer. Accordingly, I intend to announce this summer as the “Season The World Officially Went To Hell – But With less Calories!”

Has quite the ring to it, doesn’t it?

Related articles

• {Heads Up} Free Slurpee at 7-Eleven (forthemommas.com)
• 7-11 Rolls Out “Slurpee Lite” Nationwide (patspapers.com)
• Diet Slurpees for Women: For When You Hate Being Fat but Love Icy Diarrhea [Food] (jezebel.com)

#133: Glory-Seeking Moms!

The latest cover of Time magazine, featuring American mother Jamie Lynne Grumet breastfeeding her 3-year-old son, Aram has titillated shocked, horrified, enraged and confused millions of people all over the world.

But I’m not confused. I know exactly what is going on here.

This broad just wants to be famous and her son’s love of milk has been the key to unlocking the door to all her dreams. Apparently there is an actual article to go along with this pic, but I don’t think anyone cares about that, to be honest.

How could they? This pic erases all reason and just dominates your consciousness.

Remember when June Cleaver was the ideal mom?

Barbara Billingsley (Photo credit: Wikipedia)