#121: The Reign of The Kardashians!

If Howard Stern is truly the King of All Media, this clan is its Royal Family.

Seriously, their actions currently determine the course of most media sites, magazines, paparazzi, etc. Even Oprah recently tried to raise the fortunes of her failing network by airing a special “in-depth, probing” series of interviews with the First Family of Dysfunction.

Of course, the sisters only showed up because they thought they were actually going to be probed, but that is neither here not there….

Just take a look at my blog stats for June 14 and let me know if you spot a pattern:

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Personally, I think was the moment I truly feared for the future….

There are literally millions of worthy role models walking this planet that our children can safely follow – that goes for us grown-ups as well – but we have allowed the media to inundate our brains with these bottom feeder celebrities. We should never forget just how we first became familiar with these hosebags in the first place:

What else is there to say? They’re everywhere these days, and until the public says otherwise, they won’t be returning to whatever God forsaken rock they slithered out from under any time soon.

Related articles

• Twitter storm after porn star claims ‘nude’ Kim Kardashian pic posted by Kanye West is really her (thesun.co.uk)
• Will Kim Kardashian Accept Kanye West’s Generous Gift? (celebs.gather.com)
• Kim Kardashian Nude on Twitter for Kanye of the Day (drunkenstepfather.com)

#138: Three More Years of the Kardashians?

It’s true. The worst-case scenario has come to  pass…

The Kardashian clan has signed a deal to broadcast their ongoing crime spree for three more years. Yes, I said “crime spree”; if their show is not evidence of crimes against humanity, then I really don’t know what to say anymore.

On  second thought, I know exactly what to say.

I don’t know a single soul who watches this garbage, but  millions of people do and a large number of them are little girls.

Our little girls are being influenced on a deep level by people like this…

Yes, there are probably bigger targets out there for me to pick on, but I refuse to let this cult/family get away with their litany of crimes against television and all media in general.

And do you know what sickens me most of all? Bruce Jenner is a Kardashian, only by unholy union, but a Kardashian nonetheless. When I was a boy, Bruce Jenner was an idol to millions of aspiring athletes.

Now I cannot even stand to look at him. I refuse to believe there isn’t a single soul at an entire network who is willing to stand up and speak the truth about the Kardashians.

If they want to ruin their own lives, that’s their God-given right. But why can’t they leave the rest of us alone?

Justin Bieber is enough of a modern-day plague, isn’t he?

Related articles

• KARDASHIAN TV DEAL: $40 Million for 3 More Seasons (blippitt.com)
• ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ Renewed for Three More Seasons (worldaccordingtomonte.com)
• Bruce Jenner Is ‘Not That Excited’ About Kimye (huffingtonpost.com)
• Bruce Jenner Talks About Kim Kardashian & Kanye West: “I’m Not That Excited” (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#144: Sunday Afternoon Television!

Seriously, just hear me out.

Have you ever found yourself relaxing on the couch on a “lazy Sunday” afternoon? You slooowly reach for the remote, grab it and quickly fall back and slump into the couch once more.

Now the hard part.

What to watch? Hundreds of channels – if you’re lucky enough to have a cable or satellite – but as for the actual selections available to you...

• Fishing shows. A Sunday staple, but…
• Religious programing. Some of it extends into the P.M. Doesn’t God rest on Sunday?
• Golf. If you’re a 50-year-old male and too poor to actually get on  the green yourself, maybe this is for you!
• “C grade” cooking shows. The stuff that’s too old and boring for Daytime TV!
  
• Really bad movies. Stroker Ace, anyone?

If you’re a kid and your parents have dragged you off to some boring relative’s house, your situation is even worse!

I remember trying to watch bowling at my Aunt Nancy’s house… I think begged my Mom for a  buck – it went further back then – hurled myself through the screen door and crawled to the corner store. I crawled so it would take longer!

Ah, good times on a Sunday…

Thank you, heartless network executives in cheap suits!

#151: Snooki’s Decision To Reproduce!

It’s true, I’m afraid; reality TV’s contribution to television history, Snooki, is pregnant.

 

Not only is this irrefutable proof that God has left the building, it confirms my long-held theory that Satan has a summer home on the Jersey Shore.

 Why couldn’t the gentleman who punched Snooki in the face have aimed for her ovaries instead?

Related articles

• Snooki Is Pregnant & Engaged (since1910.com)
• Can Snooki Be Domesitcated? (hellobeautiful.com)
• Pregnant Snooki Is Engaged! (eonline.com)

#153: Paris Hilton’s Latest “Musical” Onslaught!

Oops, she did it again.

Oh wait, that was that Spears chick, wasn’t it?

At any rate, Paris Hilton has released a new single from her latest as-yet unreleased second studio album. Or did she? A copy of what was billed as  Hilton’s new single surfaced online recently, only to be removed just two hours later.

Why?

The song called Drunk Text features Hilton speaking in a monotone over a beat from electro duo Manufactured Superstars and was instantly panned by critics and fans alike. A rep for the 31-year-old waste of space, I mean drunken heiress/porn star released the following statement: “We can confirm that the video leaked today is not part of Paris Hilton’s new album. This video was recorded over a year ago. The first single will be out in a few months, we will let everyone know when it’s due for release.”

Hilton revealed last month that she was working on a new album with Snoop Dogg, LMFAO and Flo Rida which was being produced by her boyfriend Afrojack.

I have to say, this line-up does not impress me; these people are whiter than Paris Hilton! I guess Paris just can’t stand to watch the Kardashians tear society down with their various assaults upon the senses.

Image via Wikipedia

She could always star in another sex tape, perhaps a girl-on-girl feature – with better lighting and production values!

Related articles

• Paris Hilton Gets Her “Drunk Text” On With The Manufactured Superstars (pinkbananaworld.com)
• Paris Hilton Debuts Spoken Word Track “Drunk Text” (923now.radio.com)
• Watch Paris Hilton’s Bizarre New Music Video About Drunk Texts, Sexting (mashable.com)

#164: The Circus That Follows The Descent Of A Fallen Star….

Personally, I haven’t thought of her in years.

I think that goes for most of us.

But the moment Whitney Houston was found unresponsive in her hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel by a member of her entourage, that all changed.

Now I can’t stop thinking about her – and the media circus that has already erupted in full force. Newscasters will praise her while their colleagues in entertainment will focus on her darker side. Stars and fellow singers, many of whom disavowed her years ago, will kiss her ass; even though it’s no longer there  be kissed.  

The surefire way to become a temporary saint in Hollywood? Die.

Houston performing "Saving All My Love for You" on the Welcome Home Heroes concert in 1991

Details are still sketchy; paramedics were called and they tried to perform CPR on her, but it did not work and she was pronounced dead at 3:55PM PST. She was to attend Clive Davis‘ annual pre-Grammy party at the Beverly Hilton Hotel Saturday night. There are reports Houston had spoken to her cousin Dionne Warwick and mother Cissy Houston just before her death about attending the party and that everything seemed fine.

The vultures at TMZ are reporting the singer’s daughter Bobbi Kristina got into an angry shouting match with police officers outside the room she was found in. According to TMZ’s “law enforcement sources” … Bobbi Kristina showed up on the 4th floor of the Beverly Hilton several hours after Whitney’s death. When officers informed her no one was allowed to see the body – she screamed, cursed and demanded to see her mother. Ultimately, she was not allowed into the room and left. Apparently Dionne Warwick also showed up later. She too was turned away by officers.

These sorts of details are going to bubble to the surface over the course of the next few days. get ready to hear “I Will Always Love You” a million times, as well. The media is already referring to Houston in the following manner: “Whitney Houston, who reigned as pop music’s queen until her majestic voice and regal image were ravaged by drug use, erratic behavior and a tumultuous marriage to singer Bobby Brown, has died. She was 48.”

All the gory details of her descent will be  in the spotlight..

• She was booed during the Soul Train Awards in 1989.
• “Sometimes it gets down to that, you know?” she told Katie Couric in 1996. “You’re not black enough for them. I don’t know. You’re not R&B enough. You’re very pop. The white audience has taken you away from them.”
• She was so startlingly thin during a 2001 Michael Jackson tribute concert that rumors spread she had died the next day. Her crude behavior and jittery appearance on Brown’s reality show was an example of her sad decline.
• Her Diane Sawyer interview, where she declared “crack is whack,” was often parodied. She dropped out of the spotlight for a few years.
•  A concert to promote a new album on Good Morning America went awry as Houston’s voice sounded ragged and off-key. She blamed an interview with Oprah for straining her voice.
• A world tour launched overseas, but that only confirmed suspicions that she had lost her treasured gift, as she failed to hit notes and left many fans unimpressed; some walked out. Canceled concert dates raised speculation that she may have been abusing drugs, but she denied those claims and said she was in great shape, blaming illness for cancellations.

If these facts upset you, then change the channel or click away for the next few days; the media and the world in general won’t be backing down anytime soon. Her music is untouchable; it will stand the test of time.

It’s her humanity – in all it’s flawed glory – that’s going to be dissected over and over. 

#169: Ads Straight Out Of Wonderland!

This one started with the following comment…

“Not connected to this post, but I saw the headline today and thought of you.“That’s one way to sell jeans! Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian go topless to promote their new denim line” You’re welcome. *giggle* Kate, of For You, Daddy!“

Kate’s site is touching, clever and unforgettable, by the way. Here’s the ridiculous - even by Kardashian standards – ad…

Much like our standards for sex symbols, our tolerance of raunchy ads that use sex simply for shock value has degenerated over the years. We’ll not only accept risqué ads, we’ll celebrate them by publicizing them on mainstream news and celebrity sites.

The following images are from various jean ads that take the Kardashian concept even further. Some of these have been banned in certain parts of the world but they’re still available to everyone – including our young impressionable citizens – through the magic of internet.

It’s not clear if this Schultz Jeans advert is meant for boys or girls,  or if a female executive was just really pissed off that day…. 

This one is so stupid I honestly can’t believe the Kardashians didn’t think of it first! This Dolce & Gabbana ad suggests a gang rape is about to take place. The commercial shows a woman is pinned to the ground by the wrists by a bare-chested man while other men – who oddly enough, appear to be homosexual – in the background appear to be waiting their turn.

Advertising Self-Discipline Institute (IAP) from Italy banned the advertisement, saying it “offended the dignity of the woman, in the sense that the feminine figure is shown in a degrading manner. The woman has an alienated expression, with an absent look”. If an “absent look” is a factor in banning an ad, then models everywhere are in for a dry spell…

I think what bothers me the most about the Kardashian ad is just how pointless and unoriginal it is; look at this 2007 Jordache ad Heidi Klum shot during what had to be a happier time in her life… 

 Yes, the resulting ad is bold, controversial and in-your-face, but it stars Heidi Klum , so you don’t care! I can’t help but think that most of the advertising drones who created these campaigns are big Lewis Carroll fans; some of these look like the Mad Hatter designed them!

There is a right and wrong way to launch a successful ad campaign that captures the public’s attention. We need to start demanding the right way becomes the only way we’ll accept.

#171: The Devolution of the Sex Symbol.

We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

We need to expect more from the people we lust after and adore.

Once upon a time, being a sex symbol meant something; it was a true acknowledgment of one’s attractiveness to the world at-large. If you found yourself to be so blessed as to be elevated to this pinnacle of humanity, you had to conduct yourself accordingly.

Not these days. Just look at where we used to be and where we’ve wound up…

RITA HAYWORTH. Go hit Wikipedia, kids!

A “Classy” Megan Fox pose…

But that’s not what we’re used to, is it? How about this one instead…

I LOVE THE INTERNET…

Can you imagine Rita Hayworth selling Converse Chuck Taylor All Star Canvas High Top White Sneakers – had they existed in the 1940s, that is – in such a “reserved”  (Gotta love sarcasm, right?) manner? What about a little something closer to the here and now; Farrah Fawcett‘s classic poster…

And Christina Applegate‘s entry to the annals of poster history, circa her Married With Children days…

To her credit, Applegate has always managed to keep her image clean, something most teenage boys could never say of their copies of this poster! There have always been sex symbols willing to display a harder edge. Just look at Jane Russell  - she got your Grandpa’s motor racin’ in the 1940s and 1950s, kids – and her “bad girl” look…

 I HAVE TO ADMIT, SHE SCARES ME A LITTLE…

 And finally, the person most responsible for the devolution of the term “sex symbol” in our modern-age…

 KIM KARDASHIAN’S LATE FATHER HAS TO HAVE SPUN HIMSELF OUT OF HIS GRAVE BY NOW!

 One could argue the modern media is to blame for our current climate of  low standards of public image for female personalities, although the paparazzi existed in the Golden Age of Hollywood and you still didn’t see the same level of promiscuity in ads and posters, etc. 

No, we’ve become hungry for lewd images and incredibly lax standards for advertisers. Our willingness to sit idly by – and in some cases, encourage this behavior by buying the resulting products – has resulted in a modern-day sex symbol who is both mainstream and fringe all at once. Kim Kardashian and her douchebag predecessor Paris Hilton have both used sex tapes as marketing tools, successfully so.

I just wish we had kept softcore porn and the mainstream world separated, just as they used to be. There have always been other avenues open to those souls hungry to satisfy their lustful urges. In my day, it was the Sports illustrated Swimsuit Edition, your Mom’s Cosmo or the Sears catalogue. Nowadays kids can surf the web from the comfort of their room  (Of course, the door doesn’t lock, but you can’t have everything, right?) and cut right to the chase.

And that’s my point – finally – sex symbols used to leave you wanting more. Now? I can see Kim Kardashian engaged in full-blown – pun intended – porno mode.

In closing, I’d like to publicly say that I’m more than a little afraid of what the future is going to hold for sex symbols everywhere. The days of seduction and class are loooong gone.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but it’s a safe bet it’ll be x-rated.

#181: When “Poor Kim” Gets Mistreated!

As if her lot in life wasn’t in enough jeopardy already, Fate has dealt poor, little Kim Kardashian another cruel blow.

Funny how the word “blow” always seems to appear when Kim’s name arises, isn’t it? 

But I digress.

After her “American Royal Wedding” turned out to be a tremendous hoax… I mean failure, Kardashian returned to life as a disgustingly rich, single, semi-literate reality TV star and subject of pictures and DVDs stuffed under the mattresses of millions of teenage boys – and girls too, more than likely. Two months later the fallout continues as Skechers has decided they too want a divorce from Kim.

She just OOZES charm, doesn't she?

No one seems to want to get into bed with this particular Kardashian right now. I have a feeling the “people pleasing” skills she displayed in her sex tape have faded somewhat.

Kim, who was featured in the sneaker maker’s racy Super Bowl commercial last year, has been dropped by the company and will be replaced by a French bulldog.

“Kim got us more attention than we ever dreamed,” says Leonard Armato, president of Skechers Fitness, who notes that Skechers is launching a high-tech running shoe business. “We have to establish Skechers as more than a lifestyle company.”

Armato has responded to the media uproar over this situation with the usual weasly company PR “BS statement”, “While Kim’s contract with Skechers simply came to an end at the end of last year, we continue to have a great relationship with her … to say that she was ‘dropped’ or ‘replaced’ is misleading and untrue. Skechers has enjoyed and continues to enjoy the relationship with Kim, and in fact we continue to discuss ways that we may work together in the future.”

Obviously the company felt the dog was capable of reaching a higher acting level than Kardashian. It’s a shame, really, that a compromise couldn’t be reached. The two “actors” have so much in common.

• Both have engaged in public sex acts. It’s a safe bet the dog has and Kim’s tape is readily available on the ‘net.
• Both enjoy the same style of intercourse. Again, Kim’s tape is proof of this.
• They both have difficulty running in sneakers. Yes, the dog will be wearing sneakers in the ad!
• Look closely and you’ll see they wear the same vacant look in their eyes…

In closing, let me just say this mistreatment cannot be allowed lest the long-term effects damage Ms. Kardashian’s willingness to thrust herself into the spotlight repeatedly.

 

The word “thrust” seemed to just spring to mind as well, sorry.

 

The point is, Kim has given so much pleasure to millions and now her livelihood is at risk. We must not allow this miscarriage of justice to go unanswered. Or maybe we can just go about out lives and forget all about Kardashian and her kind.

 

Do really think that’s possible? Really?

Again, charming… 

Related articles

• Kim Kardashian Replaced By French Bulldog In Super Bowl Commercial (thecrimsoncrow.com)
• So True? So False? Did Skechers Really Kick Kim Kardashian to the Curb?! (eonline.com)
• Kim Kardashian Dropped for Dog in Skechers Super Bowl Commercial (peoplepets.com)

#193: Holiday Music!

My wife loves holiday music.

I cannot stress this enough: she loves it like a child loves her dolls. Various radios in our home blast Christmas songs virtually non-stop all season.

These songs make me want to kill myself with a cheese grater.

Basically there are only a handful of Christmas compositions, but they have been covered by everyone from Mariah Carey to The McKenzie Brothers! And some of these songs have been mangled beyond recognition by these “artists”.

Image via Wikipedia

Still, there is a large portion of the population that loves to wrap themselves in the trappings of the holiday season and music is an essential part of the ritual.

It just gets sooo annoying at times. I mean. twenty-four hours of this dreck? For months at a time?

Personally, Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang Syne is the only holiday song I truly enjoy, and many would argue it isn’t actually a Christmas song at all.

That’s probably why I like it.