#114: Summertime Stupidity!

Of course, stupidity thrives all-year round, but something about the blistering hot days of summer seems to really bring out the terrible in people.

Like the yahoos who wear long-sleeve shirts and jeans while walking around declaring, “Hey, how about this heat, right?”

I hate those guys.

TERRIBLE!

AND NOW, A LITTLE SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION…

TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY THE BELLMAN CHRONICLES

10. YOU WON’T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TO LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE.

9. IT’S CHEAPER THAN BEER AND THE CHEAP GLUE BINDING WILLSTILL GIVE YOU A BUZZ.

8. TWO WORDS: NO VAMPIRES!

7. THE AUTHOR IS SO POOR, THE PURCHASE COUNTS AS A CHARITABLE DONATION.

6. IT DOES NOT CONTAIN FIFTY SHADES OF ANYTHING.

5. IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF TO READ ABOUT SOMEONE WHO IS REALLY SUFFERING…

4. THERE IS NO MATH REQUIRED.

3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TIP YOUR BELLMAN AFTERWARDS.

2. THERE ARE NO RACIAL OVERTONES…EVERYONE GETS MADE FUN OF.

1. ITS CHEAPER THAN TAKING AN ACTUAL VACATION.

Available now on Amazon.com and the Kindle.

HEY, CHECK OUT MY NEW LOGO!

My first-ever, offcial logo comes to you courtesy of my colleague, Jeff Reles.

#115: The Day Sherman Hemsley “Moved On Up” Once Last Time…

Okay, before you say anything, can you really blame me? Someone had to say it…

At any rate, I’ve lost a childhood idol and the world has lost a man who helped inspire millions of children of all races and creeds to become actors. Sherman Hemsley died today at the age of 74 at his home in El Paso.

But George Jefferson will live forever. His bigotry, rudeness and love for his “Weezy” will always be a pleasure to watch.

• He went toe-to-toe with Archie Bunker.
• He pulled himself up from nothing, as they say, and even hired a black maid.
• He even had mixed-race neighbors whom he terrorized.
  

  Hemsley, with Isabel Sanford, on The Jeffersons. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

   

• He was a hard-working, decent man – on-screen and off.

In a 1977 Jeffersons episode titled “George’s Legacy,” the character decided to immortalize himself by hiring a sculptor to create his bust. “A man’s got to leave his mark,” George tells the bust. “Something to prove that he’s been here. Otherwise, there ain’t no sense in showing up at all.”

You left your mark, Sherman, trust me.

English: Sherman Helmsley, taken at the Hustler Hollywood store on December 3, 1999 Photo courtesy of http://www.lukeisback.com, used with permission (see here). Image taken from the Wayback Machine’s archive of lukeford.com, viewable here (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Related articles

• Sherman Hemsley Dead At 74 (kysdc.com)
• Sherman Hemsley, star of ‘Jeffersons,’ dies at 74 (wwltv.com)

#116: Ridiculous Advertising Claims!

Yes, in general the entire advertising world is nuts – just watch Mad Men – but I’m referring to specific claims.

“BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION!”

That was the claim I saw flash before my eyes this morning as I watched  Breakfast Television – the wife’s favorite morning show – and a commercial for the stage production of Warhorse slapped me in the cerebral cortex.

There is actually something beyond my imagination?  Really?
Is that even possible?

I mean, a World War One play centered on a boy and his horse seems simple enough to me – on its face, at least – but even if I’m wrong, just how wildly imaginative could it possibly be? Is the War Horse revealed to be Pegasus in the third act?

I may be constructing a mountain out of a molehill here, but I have a valid point, don’t I?

I’m asking a lot of question this time around, aren’t I?  At any rate, we’re constantly being bombarded with commercials that promise to change our entire life (and beyond!) through the use of magical products and events. At this point they might as well just promise us anything…

“DRINK THIS AND ACHIEVE INSTANT IMMORTALITY!”

“USE THIS DETERGENT AND YOU CLOTHES WILL BE RENDERED FIREPROOF!”

“THIS ENERGY BAR WILL NOT ONLY GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH, IT WILL MAKE YOU SEXUALLY SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER HUMAN ON THE PLANET!  NO WAIT, WE MEANT THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE!”

“LADIES, THESE CLOTHES WILL MAKE YOU A DEAD RINGER FOR A KARDASHIAN! VENEREAL DISEASE AND WHINY, WANNABE GANGSTA BOYFRIEND INCLUDED!

I could go on, but my brain is melting….

#117: Summer Movie Crowds!

Let me just say this: I love the movies. Seriously.

Here’s why:

• Anything is possible, “You will believe a man can fly!” And we did.
• Sharing the whole big-screen experience with a room full of strangers rocks – most of the time.
• Popcorn rules! Period.

However, this isn’t The Book of Awesome, so let’s get to the terrible things that surround the summer movie experience, shall we?

• The lines… that… never… end! Lines for tickets, concessions, lines for everything it seems!
• Crazy concession prices. Yes, they’re the same all-year round, but when you seem to spend extra cash in the summer $50 for food really hurts!
• Chatty Cathys! Sure, I know you’re filled with summertime energy, but just shut it for two hours, okay? You want to yak your head off? Do it back at the hospital, you nut jobs!
• That one fat guy who eats like Godzilla devouring Tokyo!
• Crazed, giggly teen girls! They’re a subsection of the Chatty Cathys and a truly annoying one at that!

And you know what else really sucks about the movies these days? The near-extinction of the old time movie house. I miss the character surrounding these places, don’t you?

Multiplexes just can’t compete….

But I’m showing my age, so its time to go. Until we meet again, try to stay cool okay?

AVAILABLE NOW!

The Kindle version is still in the works, but here’s the Amazon link for the “old fashioned” print version…

Related articles

• Our Favorite Movie Theatre Experiences (mrmovietimes.com)

#118: Summer!

You read that right.

Let’s talk about the not-so-nice features of “sum-sum-summertime”.

• Breathing problems. If you’re in ill-health or ancient.. I mean, a senior, then the dog days of summer are not your friend. 
• Humidity. Swamp-ass, anyone?
• Loud neighbors who sit on their front porch and yak ’til 3 A.M.
• If you can’t afford central air, you’re pretty much cooked. Literally!
• Loud neighbors who sit in their backyard and party ’til 3 A.M.
• The kids are home – every… single…day!
• Your wife is so tired from watching the kids refuses to do that thing with her tongue… You fellas know what I’m talking about, right?

I could go on, but you get the idea. Summer rocks, but like every season, it has its drawbacks. I know some guys who dread the inevitable “family vacation” and all the terror that goes along with it.

But that’s another post.

Until then, stay cool okay?

AVAILABLE NOW!!

On Amazon, that is.  The Kindle version is coming… I promise!

#119: Crazy Neighbors… And A Milestone!

Let’s see…

• There’s a man, once a respected business leader and pillar of the community, who now speaks to his grass and barks back at noisy dogs.
• A family of five seems to determined to give me a heart attack by allowing me to witness an endless stream of near-accidents. I’ve heard of kids climbing the walls, but not the roof!
• The most disturbing incident began with a garage fire – just picture Randy Quaid in Christmas Vacation dumping his RVs septic tank, but with a garage in flames – and ended with a double homicide. Seriously.

Yes, neighbors rule… We need human contact, but at what cost?

Oh well, at least my street isn’t boring…

As for the milestone… I’ve crossed 200,000 views! A bit late for that announcement, I know, but I’ve been busy! Speaking of which, The Belllman Chronicles is truly “live” on Amazon.com and the Kindle version is coming soon. I hope!

 

A Not-So-Terrible Thing: The Bellman Chronicles Is “Live”.

OCTOBER 22, 2010:

After much consideration and with tremendous trepidation, The Hook launches his first blog, You’ve Been Hooked!,  and joins the ranks of the WordPress community. A second blog (this one!) , soon follows.

My life would never be the same. Seriously.

JUNE 28, 2012:

After even more work – and more than a few hiccups along the way – The Hook decides to expand his horizons and publish his first book, The Bellman Chronicles. With the help of his friends, family, and the geniuses at CreateSpace – not to mention a little luck – that book has finally been completed.

A dream has become reality.

Here’s a quick description of my literary “masterpiece:

I know what you’re thinking, “What is this? Does it have any hunky, brooding vampires?”

• Let’s be clear, this book does NOT contain…
• Beautiful members of the Undead searching for a nice light snack/true love.
• Teenage wizards battling adversaries so fearsome they must not be named.
• Children battling to the death in a televised spectacle.
• Virginal college students with soap opera names who shed their purity after meeting emotionally crippled, perverted businessmen – who happen to have billions.

The Bellman Chronicles is a collection of tales featuring…

TERRIBLE PEOPLE:

Douchebags who think Grandma’s wheelchair is a suitable substitute for a luggage cart.
Crazy cougars who think the term “full-service hotel” means the security officer will sleep with you – while your husband watches.
Guests who bring animals with them: a deer strapped to their RV – which they park next to the kitchen entrance of the hotel’s restaurant.

TERRIBLE THINGS:

Getting caught daydreaming while your spouse “shares her feelings.”
Spilling your morning coffee.
Hairless cats.

So if you think your life sucks, take some of that money you were going to spend on Red Bull and smokes and read about someone who is REALLY suffering, namely yours truly.

You can call me The Hook.

Now, at last, you can visit my CreateSpace  e-store and order The Bellman Chronicles. If you are so inclined, the Amazon.com version, Kindle edition and other channels will be open within 5 to 7 days.

Again, thank you to everyone who helped make this dream a reality. Now the real battle begins, convincing millions of readers to put down their copies of Twilight, The Hunger Games and Fifty Shades of Grey and give my “work” a chance!

Related articles

• The Hook Presents… The Bellman Chronicles! (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)
• #135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur… (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)

#120: When You’re The Only One Not On The Bandwagon…

The Hook has zero interest in soccer, much less the 2012 European Championship.

So you can imagine what the last few days have been like for me.

UEFA Euro 2012 logo (Photo credit: rafizeldi)

Did I mention I work with a lot – to say the least – of Italians?

Yes, life is great when you’re surrounded by Alpha males and you  have zero interest in sports…

Related articles

• Euro 2012: How Soccer is Going Digital (mashable.com)
• Euro 2012 Coverage Nets ESPN Big Ratings (deadline.com)

#121: The Reign of The Kardashians!

If Howard Stern is truly the King of All Media, this clan is its Royal Family.

Seriously, their actions currently determine the course of most media sites, magazines, paparazzi, etc. Even Oprah recently tried to raise the fortunes of her failing network by airing a special “in-depth, probing” series of interviews with the First Family of Dysfunction.

Of course, the sisters only showed up because they thought they were actually going to be probed, but that is neither here not there….

Just take a look at my blog stats for June 14 and let me know if you spot a pattern:

Search	Views
kanye west kim kardashian	277
kim kardashian kanye	262
kanye west and kim kardashian	229
kanye west kim kardashian photo	99
kim kardashian and kanye	78
kim kardashian naked	74
kanye tweets naked pic of kim kardashian	37
kanye west & kim kardashian	33
kim kardashian kanye west photo	29
kanye west kim kardashian picture	29
miley cyrus no clothes	19
kim kardashian kanye pic	19
kanye west kim kardashian pic	13
kim kardashian no clothes	12
kanye kim kardashian	12
kanye west pictures with kim kardashian	9
kim k and kanye west	9
charlie sheen rolling stone	8
kanye west photo kim kardashian	6
kanye west pic of kim kardashian	6
kanye west and kim k	6
kanye west kim kardashian pictures	5
kim kardashian kanye west picture	5
Other search terms	1,220
Unknown search terms	879
Total search terms	2,496

Personally, I think was the moment I truly feared for the future….

There are literally millions of worthy role models walking this planet that our children can safely follow – that goes for us grown-ups as well – but we have allowed the media to inundate our brains with these bottom feeder celebrities. We should never forget just how we first became familiar with these hosebags in the first place:

What else is there to say? They’re everywhere these days, and until the public says otherwise, they won’t be returning to whatever God forsaken rock they slithered out from under any time soon.

Related articles

• Twitter storm after porn star claims ‘nude’ Kim Kardashian pic posted by Kanye West is really her (thesun.co.uk)
• Will Kim Kardashian Accept Kanye West’s Generous Gift? (celebs.gather.com)
• Kim Kardashian Nude on Twitter for Kanye of the Day (drunkenstepfather.com)

#122: When The Circus Comes To Town…

THE SCENE:

My kitchen: Friday, June 15, 9:07 P.M.

The family is gathered in the kitchen – as per usual – each occupied with their own activities:

• Sarah is eating and working on her own literary masterpiece, The Misadventures of Misery.
• VampireLover is preparing evening snacks
• I’m… Well, you know.

But one thing has attracted drawn us together: television coverage of the circus that has overtaken our humble city… And street. Seriously, cars have lined our street and every nook and cranny in-between. Over 100,000 people have descended upon Niagara Falls to watch a man overcome a number of obstacles that would only have occurred in my little home. I’ll get to those in a minute.

For now, here’s the skinny: if all goes as planned Nik Wallenda will make history during a walk scheduled for 10:20 p.m. ET, as he crosses from the American side to the Canadian side of the falls on a 500-metre wire suspended 60 metres above one of God’s most awesome creations.

Next to my wife, that is.

At any rate, here’s a very brief breakdown of a few of the pitfalls Wallenda has already overcome:

• BUREAUCRACY: The Niagara Parks Commission, (the local government Gestapo) fought hard for years to block this event. By the way, the Commission has been mired in one corruption scandal after another for years, but they’ve always blocked “stunting” as they call it. Ironically, they’re benefiting huge in fees and tourism revenue. Go figure, right?
• IDIOCY: The same government goons who stuck to their guns for years, but now they’re singing Wallenda’s praises.
• NATURE: The power of the falls themselves, and believe it or not, peregrine falcons who may still attack Wallenda as he crosses. Seriously.
• FINANCIAL HARDSHIP: As of a few days ago, Wallenda was $500, 000 short of his estimated 1.3 million-dollar budget to cover this entire operation. Of course, its still going ahead, one way or another.
• GREED: Many have made plans to benefit from Wallenda’s achievement, but few have come forward to help fill his pockets.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the idea, I’m sure. Its 9:39 P.M and I have to sign-off; its been a looong day.

Regardless of what happens, Nik Wallenda has already earned himself a spot in history. know I’ll never forget all the hoopla he brought with him…

Related articles

• Tonight: Niagara Falls Tightrope Walk (newser.com)
• Nik Wallenda Is Set to Cross Niagara Falls Friday (nytimes.com)