#122: When The Circus Comes To Town…

THE SCENE:

My kitchen: Friday, June 15, 9:07 P.M.

The family is gathered in the kitchen – as per usual – each occupied with their own activities:

• Sarah is eating and working on her own literary masterpiece, The Misadventures of Misery.
• VampireLover is preparing evening snacks
• I’m… Well, you know.

But one thing has attracted drawn us together: television coverage of the circus that has overtaken our humble city… And street. Seriously, cars have lined our street and every nook and cranny in-between. Over 100,000 people have descended upon Niagara Falls to watch a man overcome a number of obstacles that would only have occurred in my little home. I’ll get to those in a minute.

For now, here’s the skinny: if all goes as planned Nik Wallenda will make history during a walk scheduled for 10:20 p.m. ET, as he crosses from the American side to the Canadian side of the falls on a 500-metre wire suspended 60 metres above one of God’s most awesome creations.

Next to my wife, that is.

At any rate, here’s a very brief breakdown of a few of the pitfalls Wallenda has already overcome:

• BUREAUCRACY: The Niagara Parks Commission, (the local government Gestapo) fought hard for years to block this event. By the way, the Commission has been mired in one corruption scandal after another for years, but they’ve always blocked “stunting” as they call it. Ironically, they’re benefiting huge in fees and tourism revenue. Go figure, right?
• IDIOCY: The same government goons who stuck to their guns for years, but now they’re singing Wallenda’s praises.
• NATURE: The power of the falls themselves, and believe it or not, peregrine falcons who may still attack Wallenda as he crosses. Seriously.
• FINANCIAL HARDSHIP: As of a few days ago, Wallenda was $500, 000 short of his estimated 1.3 million-dollar budget to cover this entire operation. Of course, its still going ahead, one way or another.
• GREED: Many have made plans to benefit from Wallenda’s achievement, but few have come forward to help fill his pockets.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the idea, I’m sure. Its 9:39 P.M and I have to sign-off; its been a looong day.

Regardless of what happens, Nik Wallenda has already earned himself a spot in history. know I’ll never forget all the hoopla he brought with him…

Related articles

• Tonight: Niagara Falls Tightrope Walk (newser.com)
• Nik Wallenda Is Set to Cross Niagara Falls Friday (nytimes.com)

#182: When You Find Yourself In The Dark…

 Quite literally!

 

Most of us will never qualify as electrical engineers, but we should have the basic skills necessary to navigate our way through a situation such as a blackout.

 

But we don’t.

Let’s assume, of course, that said blackout occurs in the evening (wouldn’t really be a “blackout” otherwise, right?) and we’re nowhere near an alternative source of illumination. What happens now?

• Panic: If you’re alone, it’s no big deal but if you’re with your spouse, you’ll want to contain the desire to squeal like a little girl! Unless you are a little girl, then feel free to cut loose.
• Hesitation: People tend to freeze immediately during blackouts. If you’re already in bed you can probably just sit tight. Unless you have kids and they freak out, then good luck calming them down you poor bastard. We’ll usually only get up because our partner nags, I mean spurs us to action!

Then the real fun begins…

• If you have any handy, you can expose yourself to toxic waste in the hope you’ll develop a “radar sense” like the Marvel Comics hero Daredevil. Of course this is highly unlikely; it takes time for such a radical transformation to occur.

Image via Wikipedia

• Left to your own devices, you’ll stumble about until instinct will kick-in and your big toe will seek out the closest object with which to impact!
• You’ll curse until your breath runs out or your spouse finally succeeds in shutting you up.
• Any moonlight through yonder windows will hopefully guide you to a flashlight usually kept under the kitchen sink so have fun knocking over various household chemicals – and then you can discover the batteries have expired! You know they will, it happens every time.
• If you’re feeling exceptionally brave, you can seek out matches and candles and start the wonderful process of trying to light a match in the dark.

Let’s assume you’ve managed to find a way to light your path to the dreaded cellar and you’ve made your way to the basement – the scariest part of the house in a blackout. At this point we also have to assume that your home is the only one affected by this scenario, otherwise you’d be really foolish to waste your time – not to mention risking your life – heading to the basement!

So, you’re in the basement, you’ve stumbled a dozen  more times – even with a source of light – and now you’re facing your breaker box.

What the hell do you do now?

I don’t know about you, but I’m not even sure I have extra fuses in my basement, never mind if I’m competent enough to change them while in panic-mode! To be honest, I have swapped out a fuse before, but they’re usually in there pretty tight and a good deal of cursing is necessary to pry them loose!

Seriously, cursing helps.

#183: When Celebrities Just Can’t Help Themselves…

This is a self-indulgent post about self-indulgence.

I just can’t help myself; the following tale of the rich and powerful run amok fills me with white-hot rage.

 I’m referring to the $1.3 million US Beyoncé and Jay-Z dropped to rent out the entire fourth floor of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital, according to the New York Daily News. There have been reports of bulletproof glass being installed in the wing and other patients being unceremoniously shuffled off to other floors.

 $1.3 million? Can you imagine what you could do with this kind of scratch? I appreciate the need for privacy and security that these two stars will say motivated them to take such drastic steps, but let’s get real here, shall we?

They spent the money because they could. Period.

Why couldn’t they just have hired a medical team and equipment to have their little brat at  home? I’m sure their sprawling “crib” is a much nicer environment than a cold, sterile hospital. And they could have avoided the negative PR that’s going to dog them for the next few days.

And little Blue Ivy Carter – most messed-up name ever – is going to be hearing about this for the rest of her privileged life.

On Saturday night, people were seen bringing bags of food and wine into the hospital, apparently for celebrations, as security guards patrolled the perimeter. Baby Blue Ivy arrived by C-Section Saturday, and according to Fox News, famous mom and famous baby were moved to their exclusive, redecorated area  by Saturday night, where the family has been taking visitors.

WTF?

I’m almost glad I don’t have a late-night talk show where I can really unload on filthy rich humps who live to spit in the world’s eye by flaunting their wealth at the  expense of others. I’d be off the air faster than Bill Maher!

But I digress. Back to the two nut jobs whose music makes me want to kill myself… I mean, the happy parents! 

What about the other patients and hospital staffers whose routine and security have been compromised by this takeover? Will the happy couple give them free concert tickets or CDs?

Neil Coulon, 39, of Brooklyn said the stress of his wife Rosalyn delivering two premature girls was tripled when Beyoncé’s towering bodyguards allegedly barred him from the sixth-floor neonatal intensive care unit.

“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday – just because they wanted to use the hallway,” he claimed.

If I had $1.3 million to burn I’d hire a pack of 12-year-olds – armed with dozens of eggs – to follow these two “singers” around for a year.

Now that would be money well spent.

#184: Cleaning Your Oven!

No fancy titles here, just the cold, hard facts.

I’m guessing even Martha Stewart hates cleaning her oven. Although, she no doubt has minions to carry out these menial tasks for her, right?

Image via Wikipedia

 

As for the rest of us, we shun this particular chore and ignore the charred, black crust that adorns the interior of one of our most valued appliances until it can be ignored no longer.

 Or, in my case, until our wife asks us over and over – fifty times to be exact – and wears us down!

Then the fun begins..

• “Hon, where’s the oven cleaner?”
• “Hon. where do I put all this crap already in the oven? You don’t want to hear the answer!
• “I have to wear rubber gloves? What am I , Florence from The Jeffersons? Do we even have rubber gloves?”

And so a trip to the store is in order. Especially after I used Lemon Pledge instead of oven cleaner! The bottles look the same. Seriously. At any rate, back to work…

• “Cough, cough!” That’s the sound of yours truly choking on oven cleaner fumes; they’re deadly! Which is probably why the directions advise you to open a window or two. Go figure, right?
• Smash!!! That’s the sound of the oven cleaner making contact with the little light bulb in the oven! They don’t get along at all!

Which means another trip to the store…

When all is said and done, the oven is clean – well, cleaner – but you vow to never cook again!

Ah, domestic bliss…

#185: When The Elevator Button Won’t Light Up…

No matter how many times you push it!

You stand there for what feels like forever, furiously pressing your finger against a round piece of plastic.

• You press once, then twice and so on…
• The speed picks up as your frustration grows…
• Pretty soon your hand is smoking!
• You may even smash your fist against both buttons!

Image via Wikipedia

Nothing helps, of course. Nor does the eventual realization the button actually works, but the light is burnt out!

And that’s not all.

#186: Hangovers!

I’ll keep this brief; after all, anyone who can really identify with this one is in no shape to keep up!

Ironic, right?

If the all the pleas to the Big Guy don’t work…

• “I swear I’ll never drink again. EVER!”
• “Just let me sleep this off, please?”
• I just need to find my house keys and I’ll never ask for anything again – honest!”

Then you may need these tips from About.com…

1. Sleep. Rest is your best friend at this point to give your body a recover. It is best to stay in bed so call in to work if you have to, tell them you have the stomach flu. You will sound so horrible on the phone they may believe you (unless they saw you at the bar, not a good idea then).
2. Replenish your body with fruit juice and water.
3. Avoid caffeine. A weak cup of coffee may be okay but a lot of caffeine will continue to dehydrate you, the opposite of what you want right now.
4. Drink orange juice for Vitamin C.
5. Drink a sports drink like Gatorade or Powerade.
6. Eat mineral rich food like pickles or canned fish.
7. In Poland, drinking pickle juice is a common remedy. Barbara Rolek, About.com Guide to Eastern European Food, has more Hangover Food suggestions from this region.
8. Drink a Bloody Mary. While the popular phrase “hair of the dog that bit you” may sound logical with a shot of whiskey left in the bottle next to your bed, it’s only temporary. Try a Bloody Mary instead, while your blood is dealing with the new alcohol it is ignoring the old and in the mean time tomato juice and celery are full of vitamins. If you drank the last of the vodka make a Virgin Mary. Another spicy morning after drink option is Hair of the Dog, in which gin and hot sauce are sure to bite your hangover back. Yet another classic option, sans spice, are the aptly named Corpse Reviver drinks: #1 (brandy), #2 (gin), #2011.
9. Take a shower, switching between cold and hot water.
10. In Ireland it was said that the cure for a hangover is to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand.
11. Try Alka Seltzer Morning Relief. One reader says that it’s all that he and his wife have found that really works for them. He stumbled across this “cure” while his wife was still suffering after two days, within 15 minutes after taking the Alka Seltzer she was fine.
12. Get some exercise. Another reader suggests doing some sort of physical activity. He writes, “In the rare case of having hangover I usually drink about 1-2 liters of water and go outside to do some exercise like mountain climbing, swimming, cycling or just about anything that keeps me sweating.” It takes willpower to move like that when standing seems like a challenge, but it is a good theory.
13. The side effects of aspirin, Tylenol and ibuprofen can be magnified when alcohol is in your system, so it is best (even though it may be the first thing you reach for) to avoid them to kill the hangover pain. Aspirin is a blood thinner, just like alcohol, and can intensify its effects and Tylenol (or acetaminophen) can cause more damage to your liver. Ibuprofen can also cause stomach bleeding. So be cautious when going for the quick relief.
14. Watch the video: Hangover Remedies. Jonathan Stewart demonstrates how to make a blended hangover remedy. There are a more than a few ingredients so you may want to have everything organized prior to overindulging.
15. As an antidote, one reader takes a little extra multi B vitamin and drinks a lot of water before going to sleep.

This concludes the community service portion of The Book of Terrible!

Hang in there, and don’t drink so much next year, you poor, dumb bastards!

#187: New Year’s Resolutions!

 Why does the dropping of a ginormous ball encourage us to change our lives?

If you’re overweight, ugly or an addict, shouldn’t you tackle those problems long before the beginning of a new year? 

Image via Wikipedia

The calendar may be new but you’re the same person through and through, so what makes you think God is going to be inspired to instill additional willpower in you at the onset of another twelve-month period?

I mean, I’ve always assumed people who are compelled to make resolutions are assuming The Big Guy is going to take a direct hand in their affairs. Otherwise, they’d have to do it themselves and if they didn’t do it before, what would change in the new year?

Personally, I think prayer is great but I don’t expect a deity to endow me with additional abilities beyond what I’ve already in possession of. If the Hook is going to get an upgrade, it’s not going to come from Up High.

To wrap this up – finally – if you’re unhappy with your life… change it!

Don’t wait for Dick Clark or that Seacrest douche to give you a signal, sack up and do it yourself.

And that’s all I have to say about that – for this year, anyway.

#188: The Sudden Realization You’re… “That Guy”!

PICTURE IT: Canada, 1990. A young fanboy is making his way through a crowded mall, an armful of comic books in tow, when he spots a balding, middle-aged father of three wrestling with his brood while his wife shopped.

The image burned its way into his consciousness while one thought resonated loud and clear…

“THAT POOR BASTARD! I’LL NEVER BE THAT GUY!”

THE PRESENT DAY: Guess who has become “That Guy”?

We all change and most of us evolve to the point where we heed our familial instincts; there’s no point in fighting it. But when you’re young you only see one side of things. When you’re young, family means…

• No freedom.
• No joy.
• One woman – forever!
• No sex! Which makes the preceding rule even more terrible!

Of course, if you make the right choice none of these conditions need come to pass. Pick a decent, loving mate and you’re suddenly unaware of any reservations you might have had; love separates you from selfish desires and allows you to enjoy the feeling that arises from living for something bigger than yourself. But you don’t know that when you’re young.

You don’t know anything, really.

#189: Boxing Day!

Just think Black Friday, but dialed back a notch.

Only a notch.

Beyond that, the two days share many characteristics..

• Some people wait all year for each day to arrive. These are the same people who collect salt and pepper shakers and have more than two cats.
• Crowds of hysterical shoppers will wait for hours in the cold in the wee of the morn to be at the head of the line for the bus to Crazytown. 
• Fans of both days have no qualms about physically assaulting their fellow shoppers in order to secure a deal for some useless piece of crap.
• Supporters of Black Friday and Boxing Day usually have a less than stellar relationship with their loved ones. Why else woud they be out in the cold and surrounded by strangers when they could be surrounded by the warmth of family?

As you can tell, I’m not a fan of Boxing Day. I love a good deal as much as the next guy, but I refuse to be that guy in line who should be home with his family and friends. I’m usually working in order to pay for the useless crap I already have!

#190: Self-Promotion!

This particular rant has been inspired by a fellow blogger.

This individual was once like most of us; searching for something, anything to elevate him from the depths of frustration and despair. He turned to the world of blogging and against all odds, lightning struck and catapulted him to the top of the publishing world with several books based on his blog. Don’t believe me? Just check out his blog, where he recounts his success.

All… the… time.

There is a very fine line between thanking your readers/subscribers for their continued devotion and bragging incessantly until those same individuals are driven to attend one of your book signings in order to do you bodily harm.

And no, this isn’t the Green Eyed Monster speaking; I have respect and admiration for this blogger for achieving his goals. I just can’t help but wonder if all this bragging isn’t directed at one individual in particular, someone who decided this person wasn’t good enough to keep around so  he/she dropped them at the curb like the stinky trash.

There are a lot of bloggers among this person’s readership who are inspired by his success and hope to catch some of the same lightning and bottle it. If they’re like me, they genuinely enjoy his blog but they’re beginning to get more than a little tired of the constant “Look at me! Look at me!” nature of his work.

• First it was the original book.
• Then the second.
• Then the “Special Edition” tied into the seasons.
• The crappy coffee commercial.
• The desk calendar. 
• Finally, the Movement was born! Seriously.

All of which have been self-promoted to death! Marketing is crucial, yes, but when you have an actual publisher behind you they assume the promoting chores.

Not this guy. What’s next?

• “Magnificent” brand condoms. To keep the Magnicicent! moment unspoiled by conception!
• “Magnificent” imodium tablets. Stay Magnificent! even when being attacked by a nasty stomach virus!

I wish I had more, but this is giving me a headache. I need to pop some Magnificent! brand aspirin and lie down.

One last thing: if this person really wants to thank his fans, why not hold a contest and provide the winner with an opportunity to break into the publishing world?

Now that would truly be awesome!