#117: Summer Movie Crowds!

Let me just say this: I love the movies. Seriously.

Here’s why:

• Anything is possible, “You will believe a man can fly!” And we did.
• Sharing the whole big-screen experience with a room full of strangers rocks – most of the time.
• Popcorn rules! Period.

However, this isn’t The Book of Awesome, so let’s get to the terrible things that surround the summer movie experience, shall we?

• The lines… that… never… end! Lines for tickets, concessions, lines for everything it seems!
• Crazy concession prices. Yes, they’re the same all-year round, but when you seem to spend extra cash in the summer $50 for food really hurts!
• Chatty Cathys! Sure, I know you’re filled with summertime energy, but just shut it for two hours, okay? You want to yak your head off? Do it back at the hospital, you nut jobs!
• That one fat guy who eats like Godzilla devouring Tokyo!
• Crazed, giggly teen girls! They’re a subsection of the Chatty Cathys and a truly annoying one at that!

And you know what else really sucks about the movies these days? The near-extinction of the old time movie house. I miss the character surrounding these places, don’t you?

Multiplexes just can’t compete….

But I’m showing my age, so its time to go. Until we meet again, try to stay cool okay?

AVAILABLE NOW!

The Kindle version is still in the works, but here’s the Amazon link for the “old fashioned” print version…

Related articles

• Our Favorite Movie Theatre Experiences (mrmovietimes.com)

#119: Crazy Neighbors… And A Milestone!

Let’s see…

• There’s a man, once a respected business leader and pillar of the community, who now speaks to his grass and barks back at noisy dogs.
• A family of five seems to determined to give me a heart attack by allowing me to witness an endless stream of near-accidents. I’ve heard of kids climbing the walls, but not the roof!
• The most disturbing incident began with a garage fire – just picture Randy Quaid in Christmas Vacation dumping his RVs septic tank, but with a garage in flames – and ended with a double homicide. Seriously.

Yes, neighbors rule… We need human contact, but at what cost?

Oh well, at least my street isn’t boring…

As for the milestone… I’ve crossed 200,000 views! A bit late for that announcement, I know, but I’ve been busy! Speaking of which, The Belllman Chronicles is truly “live” on Amazon.com and the Kindle version is coming soon. I hope!

 

#121: The Reign of The Kardashians!

If Howard Stern is truly the King of All Media, this clan is its Royal Family.

Seriously, their actions currently determine the course of most media sites, magazines, paparazzi, etc. Even Oprah recently tried to raise the fortunes of her failing network by airing a special “in-depth, probing” series of interviews with the First Family of Dysfunction.

Of course, the sisters only showed up because they thought they were actually going to be probed, but that is neither here not there….

Just take a look at my blog stats for June 14 and let me know if you spot a pattern:

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kim kardashian kanye	262
kanye west and kim kardashian	229
kanye west kim kardashian photo	99
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kim kardashian naked	74
kanye tweets naked pic of kim kardashian	37
kanye west & kim kardashian	33
kim kardashian kanye west photo	29
kanye west kim kardashian picture	29
miley cyrus no clothes	19
kim kardashian kanye pic	19
kanye west kim kardashian pic	13
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kanye kim kardashian	12
kanye west pictures with kim kardashian	9
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charlie sheen rolling stone	8
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Other search terms	1,220
Unknown search terms	879
Total search terms	2,496

Personally, I think was the moment I truly feared for the future….

There are literally millions of worthy role models walking this planet that our children can safely follow – that goes for us grown-ups as well – but we have allowed the media to inundate our brains with these bottom feeder celebrities. We should never forget just how we first became familiar with these hosebags in the first place:

What else is there to say? They’re everywhere these days, and until the public says otherwise, they won’t be returning to whatever God forsaken rock they slithered out from under any time soon.

Related articles

• Twitter storm after porn star claims ‘nude’ Kim Kardashian pic posted by Kanye West is really her (thesun.co.uk)
• Will Kim Kardashian Accept Kanye West’s Generous Gift? (celebs.gather.com)
• Kim Kardashian Nude on Twitter for Kanye of the Day (drunkenstepfather.com)

#122: When The Circus Comes To Town…

THE SCENE:

My kitchen: Friday, June 15, 9:07 P.M.

The family is gathered in the kitchen – as per usual – each occupied with their own activities:

• Sarah is eating and working on her own literary masterpiece, The Misadventures of Misery.
• VampireLover is preparing evening snacks
• I’m… Well, you know.

But one thing has attracted drawn us together: television coverage of the circus that has overtaken our humble city… And street. Seriously, cars have lined our street and every nook and cranny in-between. Over 100,000 people have descended upon Niagara Falls to watch a man overcome a number of obstacles that would only have occurred in my little home. I’ll get to those in a minute.

For now, here’s the skinny: if all goes as planned Nik Wallenda will make history during a walk scheduled for 10:20 p.m. ET, as he crosses from the American side to the Canadian side of the falls on a 500-metre wire suspended 60 metres above one of God’s most awesome creations.

Next to my wife, that is.

At any rate, here’s a very brief breakdown of a few of the pitfalls Wallenda has already overcome:

• BUREAUCRACY: The Niagara Parks Commission, (the local government Gestapo) fought hard for years to block this event. By the way, the Commission has been mired in one corruption scandal after another for years, but they’ve always blocked “stunting” as they call it. Ironically, they’re benefiting huge in fees and tourism revenue. Go figure, right?
• IDIOCY: The same government goons who stuck to their guns for years, but now they’re singing Wallenda’s praises.
• NATURE: The power of the falls themselves, and believe it or not, peregrine falcons who may still attack Wallenda as he crosses. Seriously.
• FINANCIAL HARDSHIP: As of a few days ago, Wallenda was $500, 000 short of his estimated 1.3 million-dollar budget to cover this entire operation. Of course, its still going ahead, one way or another.
• GREED: Many have made plans to benefit from Wallenda’s achievement, but few have come forward to help fill his pockets.

I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the idea, I’m sure. Its 9:39 P.M and I have to sign-off; its been a looong day.

Regardless of what happens, Nik Wallenda has already earned himself a spot in history. know I’ll never forget all the hoopla he brought with him…

Related articles

• Tonight: Niagara Falls Tightrope Walk (newser.com)
• Nik Wallenda Is Set to Cross Niagara Falls Friday (nytimes.com)

#124: Charlie Sheen’s Attempt At Redempton.

Well, this was inevitable.

After a helluva wild ride – complete with porn stars and drugs, ‘natch – Mr. Sheen is trying to recent his past declarations and stunts. He tells Rolling Stone:

“Clearly, a guy gets fired, his relationships are in the toilet, he’s off on some f****** tour, there’s nothing ‘winning’ about any of that. I mean, how does a guy who’s obviously quicksanded, how does he consider any of it a victory? I was in total denial.”

He even refuses to admit how difficult it is to stay sober….

“I mean, the s*** works. Sorry, but it works. Anyway, I don’t see what’s wrong with a few drinks. What’s your drink? Tequila? Mine’s vodka. Straight, because I’ve always said that ice is for injuries, ha ha.”

Really, Charlie? That’s the best you got? You have Tiger Blood running through those well-used veins, but you’re not man enough to stand by your actions and the ginormous PR mess they created?

Just say something like, “Yes, I can be an ass sometimes, but you know what? Its my life to mess up… So there!”

Personally, I’d give Charlie my respect once again if he came clean. But that’s just me.

Related articles

• Charlie Sheen: I Was In Denial, Was Never ‘Winning’ (inquisitr.com)
• Charlie Sheen Admits When He Was “Winning” He Was Actually Losing (1340thefan.com)
• Charlie Sheen Tells Rolling Stone How He Wants To Have Sex With Denise Richards Again, Hammertoes Are Bad, And Ice Is For Injuries, Not Vodka (bossip.com)

#125: The Return of “The Saccharine Menace”!

First The Book of Awesome was responsible for overloading my artificial joy receptors, now I’ve become aware of another “happy, happy, joy, joy” menace on the horizon….

The Care Bears are back.

Just let that sink in for a moment…

Meet the Care Bears (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-Lot introduces the likes of Tenderheart Bear, Share Bear, Cheer Bear and a whole batch of other “sugary-sweet menaces” to a whole new generation of children just waiting to hug a TV in approval.

I want kids to go out and hug a tree – though not literally – rather than embrace the TV and become little “Ambassadors of Awesome”. The world is a harsh, unfeeling place at times; why do we have to put up with crap like this on top of every other modern plague Fate has unleashed recently?

Hasn’t the world suffered enough at the manicured hands of the Kardashians?

Just shoot me now, I beg of you….

Related articles

• ‘Care Bears’ return: First Look (insidetv.ew.com)
• FIRST LOOK: ‘Care Bears’ Reboot (huffingtonpost.com)

#127: Kanye West Wants to Build a Theme Park.

Do I really need to say anything about this?

I mean, this concept alone is capable of generating more than a few hilarious – and disturbing -  thoughts in your head, right? Can you imagine the Kim Kardashian-inspired ride? 

Of course, plenty of people have already rode the Kim Kardashina ride.. If you know what I mean? If not, she’s slept with a lot of guys. She’s even filmed at least one encounter – that we know of, that is.

The ‘Stronger’ rapper, who has previously ventured into film making, creating a women’s fashion line and opening a restaurant chain — and building the biggest ego in the entertainment industry – wants to use his Donda design company to create a leisure resort that will “change entertainment experiences.”

“I want to work on cities, I want to work on amusement parks, I want to change entertainment experiences or life. Something like if [late designer Alexander] McQueen or [filmmaker] Tarsem Singh was to meet the entertainment value of a Cirque du Soleil or a Walt Disney. With the Donda company, this is our first installation.”

The 34-year-old moron… I mean “musician” _ I guess – recently admitted he hopes his film Cruel Summer — which has little dialogue, a musical score and seven screens depicting different images — will revolutionize the cinema going experience.

Hasn’t he done enough damage already?

This coupling alone has damaged my psyche – already overrun by  celebrity nonsense – irreparably.

I’m beginning to think Kanye hates white people…

Related articles

• Kanye West Debuts New Film Experience (1015jamz.cbslocal.com)
• Kanye West Wants To Build His Own Disneyland!! (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#129: Couples You Love To Hate!

Sometimes Fate just likes to screw with us.

No other explanation can possibly account for those all-too common instances in which two truly despicable human beings decide to combine their negative energies to create a truly terrifying coupling.

Case in point…

Notice how she only has eyes for the camera? How about this one?

How could these two ever expect to love another human being as much as they love themselves?

Of course, its not just celebrities that should be held accountable for this crime against humanity; I’ve known plenty of “non-famous” couples that have become infamous in their little circles for being the Couple We Love To Hate. They make people shudder every time they crawl into a room as individuals, never mind as a duo! I’m talking about the type of person who calls out their own name during sex!

No one seems willing to stand up to them – not that it would do much good… Crazy people – or the criminally insane , for that matter – never think they’re crazy!

And they say opposites attract. If only that was always the case.

#137: Waiting For My Favorite Heroes To Assemble…

Do you realize I still have four more sleeps until Marvel Studios allows the Avengers to assemble at my local Cineplex theatre?

Marvel Studios (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 I have been waiting for this film since I was an actual fanboy, never mind a forty-year-old father! I need the diversion and the emotional boost that can only come from watching one’s childhood heroes brought to life on the big screen more than ever these days.

 Wish me luck on my vigil, will you?

 

The Avengers (2012 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Related articles

• ‘The Avengers’ ensemble debuts to big overseas box office (csmonitor.com)
• Cobie Smulders and Clark Gregg on Why The Avengers Is “Mind-Blowing” (popsugar.com)
• Video: Does The Avengers Live Up to the Hype? Find Out! (popsugar.com)
• Film Review: Avengers Assemble (nataliestendall.com)

#138: Three More Years of the Kardashians?

It’s true. The worst-case scenario has come to  pass…

The Kardashian clan has signed a deal to broadcast their ongoing crime spree for three more years. Yes, I said “crime spree”; if their show is not evidence of crimes against humanity, then I really don’t know what to say anymore.

On  second thought, I know exactly what to say.

I don’t know a single soul who watches this garbage, but  millions of people do and a large number of them are little girls.

Our little girls are being influenced on a deep level by people like this…

Yes, there are probably bigger targets out there for me to pick on, but I refuse to let this cult/family get away with their litany of crimes against television and all media in general.

And do you know what sickens me most of all? Bruce Jenner is a Kardashian, only by unholy union, but a Kardashian nonetheless. When I was a boy, Bruce Jenner was an idol to millions of aspiring athletes.

Now I cannot even stand to look at him. I refuse to believe there isn’t a single soul at an entire network who is willing to stand up and speak the truth about the Kardashians.

If they want to ruin their own lives, that’s their God-given right. But why can’t they leave the rest of us alone?

Justin Bieber is enough of a modern-day plague, isn’t he?

Related articles

• KARDASHIAN TV DEAL: $40 Million for 3 More Seasons (blippitt.com)
• ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ Renewed for Three More Seasons (worldaccordingtomonte.com)
• Bruce Jenner Is ‘Not That Excited’ About Kimye (huffingtonpost.com)
• Bruce Jenner Talks About Kim Kardashian & Kanye West: “I’m Not That Excited” (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)