#188: The Sudden Realization You’re… “That Guy”!

PICTURE IT: Canada, 1990. A young fanboy is making his way through a crowded mall, an armful of comic books in tow, when he spots a balding, middle-aged father of three wrestling with his brood while his wife shopped.

The image burned its way into his consciousness while one thought resonated loud and clear…

“THAT POOR BASTARD! I’LL NEVER BE THAT GUY!”

THE PRESENT DAY: Guess who has become “That Guy”?

We all change and most of us evolve to the point where we heed our familial instincts; there’s no point in fighting it. But when you’re young you only see one side of things. When you’re young, family means…

• No freedom.
• No joy.
• One woman – forever!
• No sex! Which makes the preceding rule even more terrible!

Of course, if you make the right choice none of these conditions need come to pass. Pick a decent, loving mate and you’re suddenly unaware of any reservations you might have had; love separates you from selfish desires and allows you to enjoy the feeling that arises from living for something bigger than yourself. But you don’t know that when you’re young.

You don’t know anything, really.

#190: Self-Promotion!

This particular rant has been inspired by a fellow blogger.

This individual was once like most of us; searching for something, anything to elevate him from the depths of frustration and despair. He turned to the world of blogging and against all odds, lightning struck and catapulted him to the top of the publishing world with several books based on his blog. Don’t believe me? Just check out his blog, where he recounts his success.

All… the… time.

There is a very fine line between thanking your readers/subscribers for their continued devotion and bragging incessantly until those same individuals are driven to attend one of your book signings in order to do you bodily harm.

And no, this isn’t the Green Eyed Monster speaking; I have respect and admiration for this blogger for achieving his goals. I just can’t help but wonder if all this bragging isn’t directed at one individual in particular, someone who decided this person wasn’t good enough to keep around so  he/she dropped them at the curb like the stinky trash.

There are a lot of bloggers among this person’s readership who are inspired by his success and hope to catch some of the same lightning and bottle it. If they’re like me, they genuinely enjoy his blog but they’re beginning to get more than a little tired of the constant “Look at me! Look at me!” nature of his work.

• First it was the original book.
• Then the second.
• Then the “Special Edition” tied into the seasons.
• The crappy coffee commercial.
• The desk calendar. 
• Finally, the Movement was born! Seriously.

All of which have been self-promoted to death! Marketing is crucial, yes, but when you have an actual publisher behind you they assume the promoting chores.

Not this guy. What’s next?

• “Magnificent” brand condoms. To keep the Magnicicent! moment unspoiled by conception!
• “Magnificent” imodium tablets. Stay Magnificent! even when being attacked by a nasty stomach virus!

I wish I had more, but this is giving me a headache. I need to pop some Magnificent! brand aspirin and lie down.

One last thing: if this person really wants to thank his fans, why not hold a contest and provide the winner with an opportunity to break into the publishing world?

Now that would truly be awesome!

#193: Holiday Music!

My wife loves holiday music.

I cannot stress this enough: she loves it like a child loves her dolls. Various radios in our home blast Christmas songs virtually non-stop all season.

These songs make me want to kill myself with a cheese grater.

Basically there are only a handful of Christmas compositions, but they have been covered by everyone from Mariah Carey to The McKenzie Brothers! And some of these songs have been mangled beyond recognition by these “artists”.

Image via Wikipedia

Still, there is a large portion of the population that loves to wrap themselves in the trappings of the holiday season and music is an essential part of the ritual.

It just gets sooo annoying at times. I mean. twenty-four hours of this dreck? For months at a time?

Personally, Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang Syne is the only holiday song I truly enjoy, and many would argue it isn’t actually a Christmas song at all.

That’s probably why I like it.

#194: When You PRETEND To Be Listening To Your Spouse…

 But you really aren’t!

You’re traipsing through a minefield, my friend. If that wasn’t bad enough,  you’re also carrying a flask of nitroglycerin! One wrong move and…

Image via Wikipedia

Need I say more?

#195: The Sudden Hipness of Ugly Holiday Sweaters!

I believe a lack of creativity is to blame for this latest holiday trend.

How else do you explain the sudden emergence of this latest fad? I mean, I hate the whole concept of “cool and uncool”, but come on! Who are people – by “people”, I mean fashion “experts” – trying to kid with this latest scam?

Ugly is ugly, people.

THEY MAY BE CUTE – BUT THEIR SWEATERS AREN’T! flickr.com

Aunt Betsy may have had her heart in the right place – and her meds mixed-up – but her holiday gift was and always be fugly. You can call a box of dog feces wrapped in a stylish design with a pretty bow a masterpiece and tout it around town as the latest hip trend…. but it still stinks!   

Then again, what do I know? You should see my wardrobe!

#196: Turducken!

Have you heard of this Frankenstein Monster of the culinary world?

Are we not fat enough in North America?

I don’t mean to be blunt, but this creation was designed to feed the obesity epidemic, not help fight it. A turducken is…

• A de-boned chicken stuffed into…
• A de-boned duck, stuffed into…
• A  de-boned turkey.

Seriously.

Apparently you can leave the bones intact if you’re feeling adventurous. I’m sure this dish is delicious, but the concept blows my mind! Why not wrap the turducken in cotton candy and dip it in chocolate?

My disrespect may enrage some champions of this new holiday trend, but I’m sure they can console themselves with a new creation…

La Turducken!!

• Just wrap a turducken in noodles and sauce.
• Bake into a lasagna!
• Have the defibrillator ready and the ambulance standing by.

Happy holiday eating, everyone!

Image via Wikipedia

Related articles

• [Blisstree] What The Hell Is A Turducken Anyway? (blisstree.com)

#197: The Hardest Cross To Bear…

There have been many modern-day plagues unleashed upon mankind recently.

• Birds dropping from the sky in large numbers.
• Global economic instability.
• The specter of World War Three looming larger every day.
• The entire Kardashian clan.

But the heaviest cross we have to bear is the crushing weight of loneliness. There are now over seven billion human beings walking this struggling planet together – yet hopelessly apart.

We enter into this world surrounded by others of our kind – doctors, nurses, our progenitors – so why do so many of us spend our lives alone?

It starts in school; once we’ve evolved enough to recognize the diversity of mankind, we spend entirely too much time focusing on those differences. Those childhood hazing rituals become deeply embedded in our subconscious and rise to the surface at the most inopportune moments.

We often take for granted just how lucky we are to have a family or significant other to greet us at the conclusion of our workday. Just having someone, anyone, to approach us as we walk through our door is invaluable. Why do you think so many single  people have pets? As they say, any port in a storm…

Relationships can be challenging, to say the least, but I wouldn’t wish a life of loneliness on anyone.

 

#198: Bullies.

I hate them with every fiber of my being.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Bullies are filled with self-loathing and a lack of respect for others and yet, the very thought of someone – of any gender or age – using their strength or power to oppress others sickens me to the core.

We’ve all been bullied at some point; the wounds run deep and can have disastrous consequences. How many young people have taken their own lives in the last few years because they felt completely and utterly alone when faced with the horrors of bullying?

Making their deaths even more tragic is the presence of numerous support systems that keep failing these lost souls.

• Teachers who look the other way. Their courage and compassion shrunken by time and cynicism.
• Principals who refuse to confront parents of bullies. Even though studies have shown bullies are bred rather than self-invented.
• Peers. Understandably, they’re too afraid of becoming the next victim to step forward, but adults need to remind these kids there is strength in numbers.
• Police Officers. You may be laughing, but when we were kids who did our parents tell us to turn to if we got into trouble? That’s right.

There  is a lot of attention being paid to this subject right now, as recent suicides have drawn the public and lawmakers into the fray. Everyone wants to help, and so articles are written, news reports are filmed, and  both victims and former bullies are speaking out.

But to what end?

Has anything really changed in the last few decades? Bullies are still terrorizing their victims while so many others look the other way. I’ll tell what has changed, though; the method by which bullies strike and their gender. Females have turned to bullying in alarming numbers, and they’re using the most effective social networking method of the last decade to reach the widest audience possible. 

Facebook.

Mark Zuckerberg’s creation has become a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of countless male and female bullies. Most parents refuse to monitor their children’s use of this platform, so bullies are free to write whatever they like about anyone.

I don’t know what else to say; I feel exhausted just writing these words that I know will ultimately change nothing. My little blog is adrift on an ocean of rants, viral videos and celebrity gossip websites. People often say, “If I can reach just one person, I’ll have made a difference.”

One person is not nearly enough.

It’s going to take a society of angry, fed-up, heartsick people to reach inward and stop producing generation after generation of frightened children so filled with self-loathing they lash out at their peers instead of their tormenters.

WE HAVE TO STOP LOOKING THE OTHER WAY AND START FACING THE EPIDEMIC OF BULLYING HEAD-ON.

Related articles

• What are the signs of a “bully-victim”? (education.com)
• Bullying (thepaolite.wordpress.com)
• Low Self-Esteem and Bullying: How are they related? (education.com)

To The Gypsy That Remains…

HOOK’S NOTE: Time for an interlude dedicated to my maker. 

The road has been far from smooth… The journey far from uneventful.

The rain fell all too often, and shelter wasn’t always available. But you persevered and your example proved illuminating in my darkest days.  I am the sum of many parts; the two women who raised me, the creators of my true love and of course, my soul mate. Together you’ve all shown me what it means to be a man, son, father and husband.

As my journey began, I longed for nothing; the staples of childhood – toys, “funny books”, etc – were always there. As was love.

More than most will ever know.

You were far from perfect, but that only served as an example of how fragile we all really are. I will never forget the day you brought a little boy two hours from his home and delivered him unto the Promised Land: the place where all his dream came to life in full-color.

  

You’ve worn many hats and gone by many names..

• To some, you were a punching bag.
• Others saw you as a source of income.
• Grandma called you “Gypsy”.
• I always called you “friend” and… Mom.

Happy Birthday.

#199: Office Nazis!

They’re sad little people who have allowed a title and an insignificant amount of power to go to their heads.

I realize the term “Nazi” conjures up horrific images, but think “Soup Nazi” rather than Indiana Jones. We’re delving into the world of office politics here, people; sticky yet ridiculous business! Every office has at least one employee who has voluntarily had their lips surgically grafted to the boss’ butt. They snoop around like rodents; always listening for scraps of info that will be helpful on their crawl/rise up the ladder.

And everyone hates them for it.

• The Jokester. He can’t make merry if a rat is nearby, can he?
• The Wise Old Veteran. They’ve seen Office Nazis come and go; but they’ve always hated them!
• The “Hawkeye Pierce” – The Unofficial Leader. They butt heads with them all the time.
• The Office Slut. She may sleep with them, but she’ll never respect them!

No one does. They’re middle-management weasels who refuse to take a step back and consider how others view them. Unfortunately, it is still illegal to trap and euthanize them.

Damn activists.