DISCLAIMER: I’m a world-class nerd.
If that bothers you, click away! Go check out Le Clown’s work; he never disappoints.
In the good old days all you had to do was come up with a catchy name, recruit a few henchmen, find a lair and you were ready to start hitting banks and government installations.
Now it’s not so easy….
10) Negotiating with the henchmen’s union is a real pain in the ass.
9) The real estate market is even more treacherous for those discerning tyrants seeking cool, yet affordable hideouts. A good lair is hard to find, it seems.
8) Insurance for one’s super weapons of mass destruction has sky-rocketed ever since Brainiac’s shrink ray malfunctioned over Nebraska. “If you ask me, the real villains are the insurance companies!” – Mr. Freeze.
7) Merchandising revenue has shrunk to record lows in the last few years; kids today are interested in t-shirts and swag featuring Bieber and the Kardashians, not Lex Luthor and The Joker.
6) Henchmen used to have a high tolerance for pain, nowadays they flinch at the prospect of being thrown through a window by Spider-Man or or being sliced open by Wolverine. Wimps.
5) Debutantes and female reporters used to have high standards and would scream at the top of their lungs when abducted. Now? They’re into it! Don’t let the good girl image fool you; Lois Lane screams when “kidnapped” by Superman’s villains, all right, but not for the reasons you’d imagine….
4) The advent of social media has made it even more difficult to plan and execute evil schemes. Months of planning can be thrown out the window when the squeeze of Henchman #2 tweets about the death ray you’ve aimed at Gotham City!
3) Institutes of higher learning have tightened their screening process, thus making it more difficult to get a degree if you plan on using it to take over the world. We can blame this on Doctor Doom, Doctor Octopus, etc.
2) The advent of the sweatshop has created a marketplace where finding quality henchmen-wear and costumes designed to strike fear into the steeliest of hearts is almost impossible. A ripped inseam is the last thing you want to worry about when going to-to-toe with Superman.
1) Heroes used to go easy and smack you around a bit before tying you to a lamppost. In this day and age Batman aims those batarangs right at your private parts – with extreme prejudice. Where Johnny Cochrane when you really need him?
ONE LAST THING: This was an archived post – mostly – and as such does not violate the terms of my semi-permanent, semi-retirement, all right?
Be well, friends.