The 55-year-old plastic diva appears to have become the Reese Witherspoon of the doll world.
Mattel has announced their quarterly earnings and Barbie’s worldwide sales are down 12%. Doll analysts – yes, they have those – are attributing this decline to a rise in popularity of the American Girl doll line. (Incidentally, Mattel owns American Girl, so this is a win-win situation for them.)
Barbie has been vacationing at her beach house with Malibu Ken and has been unavailable for comment.
However, here are a few of my personal theories as to just why everyone‘s favorite plastic role model has begun to find her star losing its luster.
1) Gene testing has revealed Barbie dolls are actually produced from the fallen skin cells of the Kardashian clan. (Which explains the vacant stare and dead eyes.)
2) Barbie has been overheard “Paula Deening” African American Barbie.
3) Investigative reports have proven the Dream House was built by illegal aliens.
4) Barbie has smashed her Glam Convertible more often Lindsay Lohan.
5) Despite having 800 jobs, Barbie has never filed a tax report. (Don’t mess with the IRS, kids.)
6) After decades of viewing her as the ultimate lady-in-waiting, little girls are tired of waiting for Ken to make an honest woman of Barbie.
7) If Twinkies couldn’t last, what hope did Barbie have?
8) It isn’t easy to compete with daughters of monsters, near-perfect replicas of actual little girls and the internet, especially when you’re almost a senior.
9) Barbie’s agent, Amanda Bynes, hasn’t been returning her calls…
10) Word of Barbie’s romance with Chris Brown – plastic girls never bruise and so Barbie is perfect for Brown – has been leaked to the public.
And no, I didn’t expect you to laugh at that last one: NOTHING about Chris Brown is funny.