As a bellman, I’ve been fortunate enough to have worked at two reputable, well-run establishments.
But let me tell you, some places are a nightmare on toast. Summer will soon be here, and so here are some things to look for when checking in at your next home-away-from-home.
1) There is a cemetery in the back of the parking lot.
2) The front desk clerk asks you to check your gun. If you say you don’t have one, he says “Would you like to rent one?”
3) The brochure says “Exorcism Free for Three Months!”
4) Your valet driver is Lindsay Lohan.
5) Housekeepers walk around in Hazmat suits.
6) At check-in they advise you off the “Dead Hooker Removal” surtax.
7) The bathroom door has a coin slot lock.
8) In-room movies consist of a pair of crazy homeless guys acting out scenes from 1980s teen movies. (If you look closely, you’ll see the crazy homeless guys actually are 1980s teen actors)
9) You have to cook your own food in the restaurant and Gordon Ramsay stands around and calls you a “stupid donkey!” the whole time.
10) Your bellman is The Hook.