The budgetary axe fell on Washington tourists last Saturday as the Obama administration cancelled White House tours, citing staffing reductions inspired by automatic budget cuts, known in Washington douche language as the sequester.
Whatever you call them, these cuts, and the president’s decision to direct them at the public by closing off a location their taxes pay for, have amounted to a public relation disaster for the Obama administration.
Out of concern for my American brethren who have been inconvenienced by the White House closure, I have complied this list of alternatives sites.
1) The American Museum of Back Hair. Ron Jeremy personally donates thirty pounds a week… Even though they continually ask him to stop.
2) Bill Clinton’s Cigar Emporium. But be warned: families are encouraged to keep the kids at the hotel….
3) Dick Cheney’s Wild World of Nature. Three words: duck and cover.
4) The Monica Lewinsky School for Female Interns. Come to think of it, most of these sites are not exactly kid-friendly. Although, in this day and age, what is?
5) The Annual Congress Interns’ Hunger Games. They’re not kidding when they say it’s kill or be killed in Washington…
7) The Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia Daily Clearing of the Drunk Tank. See political hopefuls, rock stars and even Lindsay Lohan! (Lindsay Lohan subject to sobriety without notice.)
8) “Shadow A Paparazzi” Tours. Ride along withthe hardworkingmen and women of D.C.’s rag mags as they
stalk, follow Washington’s movers and shakers around town…
9) Visit the traditional tourist spots and take bets on how long it takes your kids to spontaneously combust from boredom. This one is fun for the whole family. Okay, maybe not the whole family…
10) The Alternative White House Tour. This one is for the truly fearless: get some eggs and aim for… well, anywhere. In roughly three minutes, give or take, the Secret Service should be on-site to give you a tour of the White House few people get to see. Or get to talk about.