Ten Terrible Things About... A Zombie Apocalypse.

AMC’s glorious , blood-spattered love letter to the zombie genre, The Walking Dead returns with new episodes tonight.

Enough said?

1)  Zombies. A given, I know, but you really can’t compose a list such as this without acknowledging the creatures with a hunger for brains, can you?

2)  All the running. Let’s face it: most people are not in any shape to be sprinting from their car to their house, never mind running for their lives from hordes of flesh-eating zombies. So all that running would really be a drag.

3)  The preparation. My anniversary is in a couple of weeks and I still don’t even know where I’m taking the wife for dinner, so how the heck am I ever going to be prepared for the inevitable fall of modern civilization? I mean, who has the forethought to stick up on necessities like water, non-perishable food, flashlights and guns? I always meant to purchase a flame-thrower, but who has the time?

4)  Hard choices. The scenario: you’re trying to run for your life and you have limited room in the Dodge Stratus. Who do you leave behind, grandma or Fido? Sure, grandma is the giver of life and presents, but if worse comes to worse – and it will – who would you rather eat?

5)  The training. I’ve never held a firearm and yet, I’m expected to be able to pick off a zombie from ten or twenty feet away in order to stay alive? I think the YMCA needs to update their course roster…

6)  The downside to being wealthy. In a zombie apocalypse, large, the rich are always vulnerable: they have virtually no survival skills, they don’t like getting dirty and worst of all, their fortune means nothing. For once, being poor is an advantage.

7)  Traffic jams. You think the highways are clogged now? Imagine millions of cars lined up, each one driven by a panic-stricken, irrational motorists. Sure if you live in L.A. you’ll be right at home, but what about the rest of us?

8)  Recruiting drives. Encoded in our DNA is the desire to form bonds with others. That biological imperative is heightened during a crisis, but finding a group that will be effective against a horde of zombies is no easy task. My advice? Surround yourself with seniors and, shall we say, “plump” individuals? After all, you’ll need cannon fodder to put between yourself and the rampaging hordes…

9)  Other people are usually a bigger threat than the Undead. It’s true. Look at any zombie story and you’ll see the same elements; people panic when they spill their coffee, so a zombie apocalypse puts them into an emotional tailspin. Most often, zombies are the secondary threat. Take my advice, keep one eye on the zombies and the other on the guy beside you…

10)  The inconvenience. Ironically, a zombie apocalypse means no new episodes of The Walking Dead. How am I supposed to deal with that?

Enjoy tonight’s installment, folks!

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