I know what you’re thinking: “Just ten, Hook?”
Let me explain: My family has been laid very low by the dreaded bio-scourge known as influenza and I’ve had to take time off work and life in general to care for them. I’m happy to do so – my wife has made many sacrifices for me in the past, for example, marrying me – and so my creative energies and blogging workload have suffered.
Regardless, here are a few things I truly hate about the flu…
1) It wreaks havoc with your gastropod-intestinal system. I don’t know about you, but I love to eat. However, the flu is not a big fan of food, and so its message to its victims is clear: “Good luck keeping anything down for days, you poor buggers! By the time I get through with you, you’ll look make Kate Moss look heavy!”
2) It forces you to” vacate the premises” – from both ends! I hate to type the words “diarrhea” and “vomit”, never mind experience them..
3) Fever-induced dreams are just plain weird. I’m still in therapy from my last flu-inspired vignette. You would be too if you were being chased by a creature with Kim Kardashian’s head on Martha Stewart’s body…
4) Missing school. Courtesy of my fourteen-year-old daughter. Yes, the kid actually loves high school. I assume she gets that from her mother….
5) Being surrounded by life’s “special folk”. I’ve spent the last few days visiting my father-in-law in the hospital as well as waiting with my daughter in the emergency ward. Forget reality shows like Honey Boo Boo, people; the real freak show is running 24/7 in your local ER….
6) You need to sell a kidney to fund your treatment. Hospital parking, drugs, missed wages, sundries, etc. I’m broke, bitches!
7) Your throat become hyper-sensitive – to say the least! Everything you drink tastes like a glass of.. well, glass! Need I say more?
8) There’s precious little time left over for the things that really matter. Like blogging, for example.
9) It’s hard to enjoy “special time with your spouse”. Unless you’re a truly sick puppy, you really don’t want anything to do with your love when they’re coughing up blood and rivers of mucus flow from their nostrils. Pretty picture, isn’t it? But if Patient Zero needs some reassuring, you really have no choice. Buckle up, buddy; it’s going to be a wild ride…
10) It severs your connection to the world. Admit it, when you’re flu-stricken, you feel like an extra on The Walking Dead, right? Your ears are plugged, you can’t breathe, you just can’t function. Personally, I think this new “super-bug” strain is the direct result of Kim Kardashian’s catastrophic decision to reproduce by carrying Kanye West’s angry seed. Of course, I have no scientific evidence to back me up so I now sound like a conspiracy nut.
But let’s just chalk that up to exposure to the flu,okay?
- FLU: Flu facts; family protection; and alternative medicines (browardnetonline.com)