I know what you’re thinking: “Just ten, Hook?”
Let me explain: My family has been laid very low by the dreaded bio-scourge known as influenza and I’ve had to take time off work and life in general to care for them. I’m happy to do so – my wife has made many sacrifices for me in the past, for example, marrying me – and so my creative energies and blogging workload have suffered.
Regardless, here are a few things I truly hate about the flu…
1) It wreaks havoc with your gastropod-intestinal system. I don’t know about you, but I love to eat. However, the flu is not a big fan of food, and so its message to its victims is clear: “Good luck keeping anything down for days, you poor buggers! By the time I get through with you, you’ll look make Kate Moss look heavy!”
2) It forces you to” vacate the premises” – from both ends! I hate to type the words “diarrhea” and “vomit”, never mind experience them..
3) Fever-induced dreams are just plain weird. I’m still in therapy from my last flu-inspired vignette. You would be too if you were being chased by a creature with Kim Kardashian’s head on Martha Stewart’s body…
4) Missing school. Courtesy of my fourteen-year-old daughter. Yes, the kid actually loves high school. I assume she gets that from her mother….
5) Being surrounded by life’s “special folk”. I’ve spent the last few days visiting my father-in-law in the hospital as well as waiting with my daughter in the emergency ward. Forget reality shows like Honey Boo Boo, people; the real freak show is running 24/7 in your local ER….
6) You need to sell a kidney to fund your treatment. Hospital parking, drugs, missed wages, sundries, etc. I’m broke, bitches!
7) Your throat become hyper-sensitive – to say the least! Everything you drink tastes like a glass of.. well, glass! Need I say more?
8) There’s precious little time left over for the things that really matter. Like blogging, for example.
9) It’s hard to enjoy “special time with your spouse”. Unless you’re a truly sick puppy, you really don’t want anything to do with your love when they’re coughing up blood and rivers of mucus flow from their nostrils. Pretty picture, isn’t it? But if Patient Zero needs some reassuring, you really have no choice. Buckle up, buddy; it’s going to be a wild ride…
10) It severs your connection to the world. Admit it, when you’re flu-stricken, you feel like an extra on The Walking Dead, right? Your ears are plugged, you can’t breathe, you just can’t function. Personally, I think this new “super-bug” strain is the direct result of Kim Kardashian’s catastrophic decision to reproduce by carrying Kanye West’s angry seed. Of course, I have no scientific evidence to back me up so I now sound like a conspiracy nut.
But let’s just chalk that up to exposure to the flu,okay?
Related articles
- FLU: Flu facts; family protection; and alternative medicines (browardnetonline.com)
Whoa – wish this was a dream. Sounds like a nightmare. “Walking Dead” is a pretty accurate description.
(and why is it there’s only horrid stuff on TV when you really really need something on there to amuse and take you mind off stuff?)
Get some sleep if you can. Will be sending healing thoughts.
Thanks, buddy!
Here’s the list of things I hate about the flu:
1. Everything.
Done.
Nicely done! Wish I’d though of that!
Mine’s not as eloquent as yours, for sure, but I think it just about covers everything.
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Sorry to laugh at your pain, but this post had me dying with laughter when I read #10! Still, I feel for you and I pray for your family’s recovery at this unfortunate time
xxx
Thanks! Prayer can’t hurt!
Remind me to not come over to your house for a good 5 or 6 months.
We’d love to have you, but I understand.
Please keep that shit down in Niagara please,,,here’s a idea throw it over the damn falls!
I hear you on #6, just the parking is horrendous,,however it could be worse you could live over the “bridge” and have to pay the whole bill!
#4 When your daughter is feeling better,,,send her over here to bond with my 14yr old who believes that she doesn’t really need to be in school, because she knows everything anyways!
Hope your family get’s well soon!
They all think that way at times!
I haven’t had the flu for about 10 years but I remember the experience vividly and unpleasantly. Those little flu viruses are really nasty little buggers. Hope you recover soon.
Thank you, dear lady.
I hope you are all feeling better. Still managing to escape it, knock on head…I mean wood…same diff.
Sympathy for you and your family in the worst possible situation this side of death.
Well said!
There’s no doubt–the flu is nasty. You’re a good man for taking care of your family through this. May they all get better soon and may you stay well.
Thanks. Its been a wild ride so far!
‘Get better quick’ vibes to your wife, dad-in-law and Sarah from across the globe, Hook!
Oh, and a belly rub to Furry Four Legged. And a scratch behind the ears. And … okay, okay, I’ll stop.
Good on you for man up-ing (man-ing up?) in your caregiver role. FloNight* must be beaming.
Kate
*The Lady with the Lamp
You rock, Kate.
My family has it this week. I agree: everything takes like glass. And having to walk your dog in your pajamas with your hair in thirty different directions is not very glamorous.
I’m sure you still look great!
Absolutely perfect!
Knock on wood, I haven’t had the flu for over twenty years, but I remember every bit of it, and you’ve nailed it. Love your daughter; I hated to miss school, too.
I can believe that about you!
At least you were spared. Someone has to feed the dog and take out the garbage.