#113: The Agony of Twilight Fans…

You knew I couldn’t let this one pass, didn’t you?

For the uninitiated among you: my wife loves Twilight and all things vampire. Period. Her passion/obsession has become my personal “#1 terrible thing”.

But enough about me. Let’s get to the millions of “Twihards” who are rolling around in agony over the news of  Kristen Stewart’s slutty behavior with Snow White and The Huntsman(I still say that title sounds like a porno film!) director Rupert Sanders. Yes, I realize she’s young and stupid, but since I have to sit through all her films, I’m not cutting her any slack!

Us Weekly has released a round of pics under the following headline:

Kristen Cheats on Rob With Rupert Sanders: All the Shocking Pics!

Now, let’s get to the truly “terrible” portion of this installment, shall we? This is what you can expect from these so-called “SHOCKING” pics….

Here’s the first…

Hot enough for ya? But wait! They get… milder?

It is interesting to me that Stewart is wearing a “cheater’s special” (sweat pants and a loose top, both of which can be pulled off and on quickly) but her beau isn’t so smart! Anyways, here is the only one that even comes close to actually being mildly shocking…

I guess you can always imagine he’s heading south to visit that place that only Edward has dared venture so far….

To be honest, these pics pretty much suck; we can only hope this is just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, don’t Twilight fans deserve a decent scandal, complete with truly shocking pics? The rest of us have the antics of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fall back on….

 

Come on, Us Weekly, these folks have given so much….

Related articles

• Kristen Stewart ‘did not have sex with director Rupert Sanders (standard.co.uk)
• Robert Pattinson’s Stress Runs High in Anticipation of Kristen Stewart Reunion (celebs.gather.com)
• Watch: Twilight fans react to Kristen Stewart affair bombshell – Ninemsn (celebrities.ninemsn.com.au)

#114: Summertime Stupidity!

Of course, stupidity thrives all-year round, but something about the blistering hot days of summer seems to really bring out the terrible in people.

Like the yahoos who wear long-sleeve shirts and jeans while walking around declaring, “Hey, how about this heat, right?”

I hate those guys.

TERRIBLE!

AND NOW, A LITTLE SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION…

TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY THE BELLMAN CHRONICLES

10. YOU WON’T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TO LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE.

9. IT’S CHEAPER THAN BEER AND THE CHEAP GLUE BINDING WILLSTILL GIVE YOU A BUZZ.

8. TWO WORDS: NO VAMPIRES!

7. THE AUTHOR IS SO POOR, THE PURCHASE COUNTS AS A CHARITABLE DONATION.

6. IT DOES NOT CONTAIN FIFTY SHADES OF ANYTHING.

5. IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF TO READ ABOUT SOMEONE WHO IS REALLY SUFFERING…

4. THERE IS NO MATH REQUIRED.

3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TIP YOUR BELLMAN AFTERWARDS.

2. THERE ARE NO RACIAL OVERTONES…EVERYONE GETS MADE FUN OF.

1. ITS CHEAPER THAN TAKING AN ACTUAL VACATION.

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My first-ever, offcial logo comes to you courtesy of my colleague, Jeff Reles.

#115: The Day Sherman Hemsley “Moved On Up” Once Last Time…

Okay, before you say anything, can you really blame me? Someone had to say it…

At any rate, I’ve lost a childhood idol and the world has lost a man who helped inspire millions of children of all races and creeds to become actors. Sherman Hemsley died today at the age of 74 at his home in El Paso.

But George Jefferson will live forever. His bigotry, rudeness and love for his “Weezy” will always be a pleasure to watch.

• He went toe-to-toe with Archie Bunker.
• He pulled himself up from nothing, as they say, and even hired a black maid.
• He even had mixed-race neighbors whom he terrorized.
  

  Hemsley, with Isabel Sanford, on The Jeffersons. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

   

• He was a hard-working, decent man – on-screen and off.

In a 1977 Jeffersons episode titled “George’s Legacy,” the character decided to immortalize himself by hiring a sculptor to create his bust. “A man’s got to leave his mark,” George tells the bust. “Something to prove that he’s been here. Otherwise, there ain’t no sense in showing up at all.”

You left your mark, Sherman, trust me.

English: Sherman Helmsley, taken at the Hustler Hollywood store on December 3, 1999 Photo courtesy of http://www.lukeisback.com, used with permission (see here). Image taken from the Wayback Machine’s archive of lukeford.com, viewable here (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Related articles

• Sherman Hemsley Dead At 74 (kysdc.com)
• Sherman Hemsley, star of ‘Jeffersons,’ dies at 74 (wwltv.com)

#116: Ridiculous Advertising Claims!

Yes, in general the entire advertising world is nuts – just watch Mad Men – but I’m referring to specific claims.

“BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION!”

That was the claim I saw flash before my eyes this morning as I watched  Breakfast Television – the wife’s favorite morning show – and a commercial for the stage production of Warhorse slapped me in the cerebral cortex.

There is actually something beyond my imagination?  Really?
Is that even possible?

I mean, a World War One play centered on a boy and his horse seems simple enough to me – on its face, at least – but even if I’m wrong, just how wildly imaginative could it possibly be? Is the War Horse revealed to be Pegasus in the third act?

I may be constructing a mountain out of a molehill here, but I have a valid point, don’t I?

I’m asking a lot of question this time around, aren’t I?  At any rate, we’re constantly being bombarded with commercials that promise to change our entire life (and beyond!) through the use of magical products and events. At this point they might as well just promise us anything…

“DRINK THIS AND ACHIEVE INSTANT IMMORTALITY!”

“USE THIS DETERGENT AND YOU CLOTHES WILL BE RENDERED FIREPROOF!”

“THIS ENERGY BAR WILL NOT ONLY GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH, IT WILL MAKE YOU SEXUALLY SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER HUMAN ON THE PLANET!  NO WAIT, WE MEANT THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE!”

“LADIES, THESE CLOTHES WILL MAKE YOU A DEAD RINGER FOR A KARDASHIAN! VENEREAL DISEASE AND WHINY, WANNABE GANGSTA BOYFRIEND INCLUDED!

I could go on, but my brain is melting….

#117: Summer Movie Crowds!

Let me just say this: I love the movies. Seriously.

Here’s why:

• Anything is possible, “You will believe a man can fly!” And we did.
• Sharing the whole big-screen experience with a room full of strangers rocks – most of the time.
• Popcorn rules! Period.

However, this isn’t The Book of Awesome, so let’s get to the terrible things that surround the summer movie experience, shall we?

• The lines… that… never… end! Lines for tickets, concessions, lines for everything it seems!
• Crazy concession prices. Yes, they’re the same all-year round, but when you seem to spend extra cash in the summer $50 for food really hurts!
• Chatty Cathys! Sure, I know you’re filled with summertime energy, but just shut it for two hours, okay? You want to yak your head off? Do it back at the hospital, you nut jobs!
• That one fat guy who eats like Godzilla devouring Tokyo!
• Crazed, giggly teen girls! They’re a subsection of the Chatty Cathys and a truly annoying one at that!

And you know what else really sucks about the movies these days? The near-extinction of the old time movie house. I miss the character surrounding these places, don’t you?

Multiplexes just can’t compete….

But I’m showing my age, so its time to go. Until we meet again, try to stay cool okay?

AVAILABLE NOW!

The Kindle version is still in the works, but here’s the Amazon link for the “old fashioned” print version…

Related articles

• Our Favorite Movie Theatre Experiences (mrmovietimes.com)

#118: Summer!

You read that right.

Let’s talk about the not-so-nice features of “sum-sum-summertime”.

• Breathing problems. If you’re in ill-health or ancient.. I mean, a senior, then the dog days of summer are not your friend. 
• Humidity. Swamp-ass, anyone?
• Loud neighbors who sit on their front porch and yak ’til 3 A.M.
• If you can’t afford central air, you’re pretty much cooked. Literally!
• Loud neighbors who sit in their backyard and party ’til 3 A.M.
• The kids are home – every… single…day!
• Your wife is so tired from watching the kids refuses to do that thing with her tongue… You fellas know what I’m talking about, right?

I could go on, but you get the idea. Summer rocks, but like every season, it has its drawbacks. I know some guys who dread the inevitable “family vacation” and all the terror that goes along with it.

But that’s another post.

Until then, stay cool okay?

AVAILABLE NOW!!

On Amazon, that is.  The Kindle version is coming… I promise!

#119: Crazy Neighbors… And A Milestone!

Let’s see…

• There’s a man, once a respected business leader and pillar of the community, who now speaks to his grass and barks back at noisy dogs.
• A family of five seems to determined to give me a heart attack by allowing me to witness an endless stream of near-accidents. I’ve heard of kids climbing the walls, but not the roof!
• The most disturbing incident began with a garage fire – just picture Randy Quaid in Christmas Vacation dumping his RVs septic tank, but with a garage in flames – and ended with a double homicide. Seriously.

Yes, neighbors rule… We need human contact, but at what cost?

Oh well, at least my street isn’t boring…

As for the milestone… I’ve crossed 200,000 views! A bit late for that announcement, I know, but I’ve been busy! Speaking of which, The Belllman Chronicles is truly “live” on Amazon.com and the Kindle version is coming soon. I hope!