#127: Kanye West Wants to Build a Theme Park.

Do I really need to say anything about this?

I mean, this concept alone is capable of generating more than a few hilarious – and disturbing -  thoughts in your head, right? Can you imagine the Kim Kardashian-inspired ride? 

Of course, plenty of people have already rode the Kim Kardashina ride.. If you know what I mean? If not, she’s slept with a lot of guys. She’s even filmed at least one encounter – that we know of, that is.

The ‘Stronger’ rapper, who has previously ventured into film making, creating a women’s fashion line and opening a restaurant chain — and building the biggest ego in the entertainment industry – wants to use his Donda design company to create a leisure resort that will “change entertainment experiences.”

“I want to work on cities, I want to work on amusement parks, I want to change entertainment experiences or life. Something like if [late designer Alexander] McQueen or [filmmaker] Tarsem Singh was to meet the entertainment value of a Cirque du Soleil or a Walt Disney. With the Donda company, this is our first installation.”

The 34-year-old moron… I mean “musician” _ I guess – recently admitted he hopes his film Cruel Summer — which has little dialogue, a musical score and seven screens depicting different images — will revolutionize the cinema going experience.

Hasn’t he done enough damage already?

This coupling alone has damaged my psyche – already overrun by  celebrity nonsense – irreparably.

I’m beginning to think Kanye hates white people…

Related articles

• Kanye West Debuts New Film Experience (1015jamz.cbslocal.com)
• Kanye West Wants To Build His Own Disneyland!! (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)

#128: Much Ado About (A Superheroic) Nothing….

Here are the facts:

• The Marvel Comics superhero, Northstar, a Canadian (Yay!) mutant and current member of the X-Men, has will marry his boyfriend next month.
• The Canadian mutant – who was introduced to readers in 1979 as a member of Alpha Flight (think of them as the Northern Avengers) – was one of the first Marvel characters to reveal he was gay, back in 1992.
• Rival publisher DC Comics – not wishing to be undone – recently announced that one of its established heroes will be coming out of the closet soon.
• The advocate group, One Million Moms, is so mad they could spit.

“Children desire to be just like superheroes,” reads the missive on the One Million Moms website. “Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, ‘I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?’ This is ridiculous! Why do adult gay men need comic superheroes as role models? They don’t but do want to indoctrate [sic] impressionable young minds by placing these gay characters on pedestals in a positive light. These companies are heavily influencing our youth by using children’s superheroes to desensitize and brainwash them in thinking that a gay lifestyle choice is normal and desirable. As Christians, we know that homosexuality is a sin (Romans 1:26-27).”

You know what else is a sin? Hating someone because they’re different.

Although, being gay in 2012 – even if you’re a mutant superhero – is not all that different.

I’m at a loss to understand all the fuss about this situation; why shouldn’t Northstar be allowed to be as frustrated – sexually and otherwise – as most straight married individuals?

Personally, I think Marvel should insert a few panels into Astonishing X-men #51 that include Northstar’s fellow X-Man Wolverine slicing and dicing a few members of One Million Moms into hors d’oeuvres to be served at the reception.

Sounds crazy, I know….

But so is objecting to a gay wedding – fictional or otherwise – in 2012.

 

Related articles

• Gay mutant in comic’s first superhero same-sex wedding (thesun.co.uk)
• Marvel Comics plans June wedding for gay X-Men superhero Northstar and boyfriend Kyle Jinadu (miamiherald.typepad.com)
• One Million Moms Target Marvel And DC Comics Over Gay Characters (geeksintoyland.wordpress.com)

#129: Couples You Love To Hate!

Sometimes Fate just likes to screw with us.

No other explanation can possibly account for those all-too common instances in which two truly despicable human beings decide to combine their negative energies to create a truly terrifying coupling.

Case in point…

Notice how she only has eyes for the camera? How about this one?

How could these two ever expect to love another human being as much as they love themselves?

Of course, its not just celebrities that should be held accountable for this crime against humanity; I’ve known plenty of “non-famous” couples that have become infamous in their little circles for being the Couple We Love To Hate. They make people shudder every time they crawl into a room as individuals, never mind as a duo! I’m talking about the type of person who calls out their own name during sex!

No one seems willing to stand up to them – not that it would do much good… Crazy people – or the criminally insane , for that matter – never think they’re crazy!

And they say opposites attract. If only that was always the case.

#130: Miley Cyrus!

Yes, she gets her own specific entry.

She’s just that bad. And that much of a disappointment. From the Disney Channel to The Playboy Channel (it’s inevitable, I’m predicting it right here and now!) she has simply given up, it seems.

Rather than make music or act – she may have sucked at both, but she was trying – she simply wants to take the Kardashian route and be famous for being famous. Sure, she is supposedly recording a new album, but who cares?

This is all the public pays attention to…

And who can blame them?

The Hook Presents… The Bellman Chronicles!

HOOK’S NOTE: Sorry for the interruption, folks, but I have an announcement to make. Without any further adieu..

Well, the road has been long and the process has confounded me time and again, but with more than a little support from friends (blogging and otherwise!), family and dozens of CreateSpace wizards, my mission is complete!

I’ve distilled fifteen years of hospitality misadventures into a single volume. And here it is…

The first physical proof is in my hands and all that remains is to review, tweak and revise. Then the fun really begins: selling the blasted thing! By the way, the cover design comes to you courtesy of my multi-talented child prodigy, Sarah.

Once I submit any changes to CreateSpace there will be a final waiting period of five to seven days and then I’ll be occupying a little space on Amazon.com. Drop by any ole time…

Related articles

• Amazon now lets self-published authors sell print books in Europe (paidcontent.org)
• CreateSpace Now Offers Independent Authors Zero-Cost, Inventory-Free Distribution to Amazon Customers in Europe (teleread.com)
• Selling Self-Published Books: The Amazing Amazon (catherineryanhoward.com)
• The Road to Home is being published! (thewiregrassandpine.wordpress.com)

#131: When The Butter Melts Too Quickly On Your Toast!

I hate when this happens.

Don’t we suffer enough in this cold, cruel world? You butter, you pour some coffee or milk, – whatever floats your morning boat – and by the time you sit down, all you have is two pieces of bread with no surface butter! There are supposed to be rivers of buttery goodness covering that bread, gosh darn it!

Can you tell I have a terrible headache today? Hey, that’s another terrible thing!

I’m on a roll…

#132: Slurpee Lite.

I sear, sometimes these posts write themselves.

Tired of the crushing guilt that accompanies a dinner consisting of a 7-Eleven hot dog and a bag of Doritos washed down with a brain-freezing beverage best known for its weird colors, wild tastes and wacky name?

Then try a Slurpee Lite, you fat, ignorant bastard!

Slurpee Lite will target females in their 20s with this tagline: “All flavor. No sugar.” They forgot, “No brains.” At any rate, an 8-ounce Slurpee Lite Fanta Sugar-Free Mango – what a mouthful – has 20 calories vs. 66 calories in an 8-ounce Fanta Wild Cherry Slurpee drink, the best-selling conventional Slurpee.

Yes, 7-Eleven, the nation’s largest convenience chain with the most depressed employees on Earth, will introduce a low-cal line of Slurpees into an already messed-up world, starting this summer. Accordingly, I intend to announce this summer as the “Season The World Officially Went To Hell – But With less Calories!”

Has quite the ring to it, doesn’t it?

Related articles

• {Heads Up} Free Slurpee at 7-Eleven (forthemommas.com)
• 7-11 Rolls Out “Slurpee Lite” Nationwide (patspapers.com)
• Diet Slurpees for Women: For When You Hate Being Fat but Love Icy Diarrhea [Food] (jezebel.com)

#133: Glory-Seeking Moms!

The latest cover of Time magazine, featuring American mother Jamie Lynne Grumet breastfeeding her 3-year-old son, Aram has titillated shocked, horrified, enraged and confused millions of people all over the world.

But I’m not confused. I know exactly what is going on here.

This broad just wants to be famous and her son’s love of milk has been the key to unlocking the door to all her dreams. Apparently there is an actual article to go along with this pic, but I don’t think anyone cares about that, to be honest.

How could they? This pic erases all reason and just dominates your consciousness.

Remember when June Cleaver was the ideal mom?

Barbara Billingsley (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

#134: Possuming!

What’s that, you say you haven’t heard of this latest tribute to the Gods of Stupidity?

Young people everywhere – New Zealand, at least – are just falling over themselves to try it. It goes something like this: you sit in a tree with a lot of alcohol and drink until you fall out of the tree in a drunken stupor.

I wonder how long it took some young punk to come up with this one?

I wish I had something brilliant and insightful to add; this situation cries out for a voice of reason to restore order to drunken chaos… But I got nothin’.

Don’t young people care about getting laid anymore? Even hours of begging and clumsy fumbling in the back of your old man’s car beats the crap out of falling out of a tree…

Related articles

• New Drinking Game: Possum (practikel.com)
• ‘Possum’ drinking game goes global (stuff.co.nz)
• Drinking game fans branch out into tree climbing to play ‘Possum’ (thesun.co.uk)

#135: Being An Unintentional Voyeur…

As a bellman you see – and hear – some of life’s more interesting moments…

Especially when you’re working the midnight shift and the newspapers arrive. Then the work begins.. And sometimes, if you’re truly lucky, the fun.

• Up and down the floors with a cart loaded to the top with papers.
• Up and down the halls with armfuls of said papers.
• Up and down as you lean over and drop paper after paper…

Until…. You hear it… That unmistakeable sound of the Beast With Two Backs. Yes, when you’re a bellman you will most definitely hear people having sex. And not just, quiet, pedestrian sex.

No, usually travelers are so caught up int heir new surroundings – and occasionally, the thrill of an illicit hook-up – that they REALLY cut loose. Seriously, some of these folks sound like they’re going to kill each other. But in a great way, of course!

And you know what’s horrible about that?

You don’t want to listen, (not really?) but you can’t help yourself! And the really horrible thing about that is that moment when you realize you should be having sex instead of listening to it through a door for $11 an hour!

Now that’s truly terrible…

Related articles

• Voyeurism (allaboutcounseling.com)