Monthly Archives: March 2012

#143: Zombies.

The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead (Photo credit: Med PhotoBlog)

I can only imagine the uproar this title has caused across the “interweb”.

To be clear, I’m not referring to the undead horde that rampages across AMC’s television masterpiece, The Walking Dead, my focus today is on the millions of living – but just barely – human beings who choose to waste their lives by never realizing their full potential. Look closely and you can actually see the neurons burning out in their eyes.

Most of them don’t even try. You can find them in every corner of our society…

  • The educational system. And it’s not just the students; have you seen some of the teachers lumbering through school hallways these days?
  • Politics. Sarah Palin anyone? And she’s armed!
  • Teenagers. Of course, they could always outgrow their infection… hopefully!
  • Reality television. Kate Gosselin, anyone? And she’s reproduced!
  • The Kardashians. They transcend traditional categorization but they’re evolutionary throwbacks who threaten the very fabric of our society. As you may have guessed, I’m not a fan…
  • Music. The list is seemingly endless; Jessica Simpson, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, etc.

I could go on, but I need to get busy drafting an online petition allowing for a government sanctioned “living zombie culling”.

I think its about time, don’t you?

#144: Sunday Afternoon Television!

Seriously, just hear me out.

Have you ever found yourself relaxing on the couch on a “lazy Sunday” afternoon? You slooowly reach for the remote, grab it and quickly fall back and slump into the couch once more.

Now the hard part.

What to watch? Hundreds of channels – if you’re lucky enough to have a cable or satellite – but as for the actual selections available to you...

  • Fishing shows. A Sunday staple, but…
  • Religious programing. Some of it extends into the P.M. Doesn’t God rest on Sunday?
  • Golf. If you’re a 50-year-old male and too poor to actually get on  the green yourself, maybe this is for you!
  • “C grade” cooking shows. The stuff that’s too old and boring for Daytime TV!
  • Really bad movies. Stroker Ace, anyone?

Stroker Ace

If you’re a kid and your parents have dragged you off to some boring relative’s house, your situation is even worse!

I remember trying to watch bowling at my Aunt Nancy’s house… I think begged my Mom for a  buck – it went further back then – hurled myself through the screen door and crawled to the corner store. I crawled so it would take longer!

Ah, good times on a Sunday…

Thank you, heartless network executives in cheap suits!

#145: People Who Don’t Know How To Pick Their Battles!

This one is directed at every douchebag who felt compelled to e-mail  Live! with Kelly – worst title ever for a TV show – recently and complain about host Kelly Ripa’s tight dress.

The ultra perky blonde hurricane wore a body hugging “Stella McCartney miracle” dress that was so tight it caused viewers to write in before she and guest co-host Randy Jackson even started their first interview.

“We’re getting a lot of e-mails,” said Kelly in an unusual moment between host chat and a chat with Reese Witherspoon. “People keep saying it’s a nice dress but your nipples should not be showing,” she explained.

To be fair, if you watch the clip, you’ll notice Jackson check Ripa’s chest out before they even start chatting about Whitney Houston’s death the weekend before. Ripa, of course, refused to defend her fashion selection and instead chose the coward’s way out…

“It’s not nipples, it the darts of the dress.” Ripa pointed to her chest. “It’s the stiching of the dress.” As she laughed about it, she held up the pieces of paper in front of her chest. “Thank you for helping me all feel insecure.”

Insecure? Come on, Kelly! You live for the attention!

But back to my point: who really cares about any of this? Whitney Houston had just died and people were so concerned about Kelly Ripa’s breasts they felt compelled to rush to their devices and fire off an e-mail? Most people don’t even vote but they care about Ripa’s nipples?

This world is in bigger trouble than I thought…

#146: Mondays!

This one was inevitable, right?

The truth? I am far too weary to wax nostalgic or bash stupid celebrities or indulge in any of my usual hijinks, so this is what you get people!

Blame whoever invented Mondays.

Please accept this image as a small consolation…

#147: Waiting In Line At The Border!

Unfortunately our world is fraught with peril and so our borders must be protected.

Indeed, I applaud our border agents for shouldering such an awesome responsibility on their broad shoulders. That having been said, there is an irrefutable truth to the entire border crossing process…

IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS!

  • The lines are ridiculously long; you’d think they were giving out free hams!
  • Your trepidation builds with every nerve-wracking second. The last thing you want to do is rehearse your answers; nothing good will come of that, trust me.
  • The agent’s steely exterior immediately sets off your “douchebag radar”. They’re just doing their job, people! They’re not stand-up comics; they’re trying to catch criminals!
  • Your nervousness triggers sudden memory loss! You instantly forget the geographical location of your birth, and other simple details.

To sum up, the truth of our nature requires we protect out borders, but that same nature reduces some of us to blithering idiots when we have to cross those very lines.

I wish they handed out cocktails before you crossed; that would mellow everyone out, right?

Once again, this explains precisely why I carry luggage for a living…

#148: Magazines That Have All Lost All Their Creativity!

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about with the Kardashians polluting the television landscape, now I have to worry about the mental trauma I may suffer from scanning the magazine aisle?

Jessica Simpson is pregnant, but it wasn’t my fault, so why do  I have to suffer? Not only do I have absolutely no desire to see her bulging form spread across Elle magazine, I certainly don’t want to be reminded of the fact the magazine biz has no creativity left in it – at all.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a “star” agree to appear naked on your cover, the least you can do is fire up your creative engine and design something dazzling and ORIGINAL!

But that’s just my opinion. Perhaps women don’t mind being fed the same tired – so, so tired – visuals on a regular basis. Perhaps originality is overrated.

Think about it. I know I will every time I see this concept – and I will again. Count on it.

#149: Celebrity Handlers Who Let Their Clients Run Wild!

Singer/actress/Disney dropout Demi Lovato unleashes her inner bad girl backstage at shows and often trashes dressing rooms “just for the hell of it”.

In an interview with New York City’s Z100 radio station, she says, “I break things. I’ve trashed dressing rooms just for the hell of it. I like to throw things when I’m bored. I was trying to catch the deli meat on the ceiling… it ended up turning into kind of a food fight! I’ve done some pretty rock and roll things that I probably shouldn’t talk about.”

But you do talk about them, don’t you Demi? After all she’s been through – the purging, self-mutilation, girl fights -  you’d think her handlers would have hired an entire team of wranglers armed with tranquilizer rifles ready to shoot her in the ass the moment she wanders off-script, right?

She unleashes her “inner bad girl”? Does this chick even have a “good girl”?

English: Demi Lovato at the premiere for Hanna...

Image via Wikipedia

Apparently Lovato likes to  “throw things” when she is at a loose ends and has no qualms about smashing up her surroundings.

Personally, this disgusts me; if Lovato was willing to keep her destructive nature confined to her own surroundings I could tolerate her and even pity her.

But instead this teen  idol with no moral center – or any adults willing to step in and smack her back to the straight and narrow, apparently -  turns around and spits in the face of every fan dumb enough to buy into her transparent “Brittany-wannabe” image.

Of course, considering her current career trajectory, Lovato will be lucky if she can channel Jamie Lynn Spears!

Jamie Lynn Spears, 2007.

#150: Rejection!

Let’s face it, with the exception of physical violence nothing sucks more than being rejected.

 Matters of the heart are the worst, of course, but rejection can take many forms. Say, for example, an e-mail from a publisher who feels your work is “not what we’re looking for at this time.”

 If it isn’t obvious by now I’ll spell it out for you: The Hook recently received his first “cyber-thrashing” from a publisher. And it was glorious! There is nothing I enjoy more than coming home after a long day of serving ungrateful douchebags only to find a message from an acquisitions editor waiting in my junk folder.

 Why do middle-management drones all utilize the same language? I refuse to believe this… let’s be generous and use the term “person” was ignorant of the mental sting their “form e-mail” would inflict upon me. The blame falls on my shoulders, I suppose; I was foolish enough to submit my work to a publisher who feels the world needs more novels about supernatural romance.

 This is a dark age for non-fiction writers, my friends. If your work doesn’t contain a young, nubile female who longs to offer up her virginity to a creature of the night, you’ll find yourself spit upon, through the magic of the Internet, of course.

 Publishers don’t want human-interest stories anymore. They want a series about heroine who finds herself torn between a hunky vampire who will violate her nine ways to Sunday and eventually rip her throat out and a werewolf who will hump her leg before violating her nine ways to Sunday and ripping her throat out.

 You know, good old-fashioned romance.

 But wait, I forgot the best part! My cyber beating ended with an oldie but a goodie: “I wish you all the best!”

 No one, and I mean no one, in the history of that phrase has genuinely wished the other person well! You’re rejecting them! Why on Earth would you wish them well?

 If you cared for their well being you wouldn’t have beat them down in the first place!

 This entire debacle was not without merit though; it has served to remind me just why I chose to self-publish in the first place. And so I say to my fellow authors who have yet to achieve their dream, don’t let rejection get you down! Don’t be sad – get mad! I mean really mad!

 Your anger will give way to ambition; you’ll be motivated to do whatever it takes to prove the bastard who sent you that rejection “letter” wrong and from that blind ambition will come success.

 Then again, what do I know? Apparently I suck.

#151: Snooki’s Decision To Reproduce!

It’s true, I’m afraid; reality TV’s contribution to television history, Snooki, is pregnant.

 

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi attending a ...

Not only is this irrefutable proof that God has left the building, it confirms my long-held theory that Satan has a summer home on the Jersey Shore.

 Why couldn’t the gentleman who punched Snooki in the face have aimed for her ovaries instead?

#152: People Who Still Think Being A Geek Is A Bad Thing!

Sadly, these people still walk among us, even in 2012.

They think being a fan boy or girl is somehow linked to a person’s social standing or worth; as if an individual who stands in line for hours – or even days – to get into a convention is any different than someone who lines up for concert tickets or to get into a Coach store.

Personally, I have more respect for the young lady who spends her cash on a convention ticket that will lead to lifelong memories than the vapid, soulless wench who spends $300 of Daddy’s money on a purse!

Nevertheless, the terms “geek” and fan boy’ will forever be linked to individuals who..

  • Refuse to leave Mom’s basement. What if she’s a really great cook?
  • Have never had a real date that didn’t charge them.
  • Just can’t seem to purchase t-shirts without a licensed character adorning the front or back.
  • Refuse to immerse themselves in the ordinary.

Well, I’ll tell you something, folks, The Hook is proud to call himself a fan boy – even at 42! In those four decades, I have…

  • Lived on my own. But I’ll take a meal from Mom anytime!
  • Never paid for “romance”.
  • Purchased run-of-the-mill clothing as well as superhero themed apparel. I just wear the Flash t-shirts underneath!
  • Lived a life of balance; I just take the family with me to the comic conventions. The wife loves to meet actors who portray vampires!

I mentioned the year for a reason folks; in 2012 fan boys have achieved the following…

  • They’ve created a venue that sells over 130,000 tickets six months in advance of opening. The San Diego Comic-Con International has become the place to be for Hollywood execs searching for the next big franchise or to launch new projects. 
    San Diego Comic-Con International

    Image via Wikipedia


  • The young geeks who have left Mom’s basement are the new wave of filmmakers whose projects bring in big bucks for Tinsel Town.
  • These same fan boys and girls are no longer dependent upon hookers for dates. Although they can now afford the really classy ones!
  • Comics and sci-fi projects have influenced pop culture and even fashion for years now. Yes, even fashion!
  • It’s now cool for a musician or screenwriter to say they’re working on the next Batman or Spiderman flick!
    English: Emma Stone at the 2011 San Diego Comi...

    Image via Wikipedia

    And finally….

  • Actors actually WANT to be cast in superhero films! They lead to franchises which ensure a steady paycheck for years. What’s not to  like?

ON A PERSONAL NOTE…

Niagara Falls Comic-Con 2012

June 9. 2012 10 A.M – 7 P.M.
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

For full details, click here, fan boys and girls!

Related articles