#154: The Cult of Celebrity!

Just read the following and we’ll talk in a minute, okay?

Angelina (I swear I didn’t make out with my brother!) Jolie’s leg has spawned its own Twitter account.

Seriously.

The social media feed, dubbed “Angie’s Right Leg” had more than 12,000 followers by noon Monday. At the 84th Academy Awards, Jolie sported two amazing accessories: a glamorous black dress featuring a split by the right leg, and a punch-drunk Brad Pit. I use the term “punch-drunk” because I still can’t believe Pitt hasn’t woke up and realized he’s hooked-up with a nut case in the body of a demigoddess.

I’ve always assumed the sex was amazing, but come on! Pitt has obviously been drinking from the same batch of Kool-Aid as Jolie’s followers, one of whom was misguided enough to begin focusing his worship on individual parts of her anatomy.

Of course. it could have been a woman who started this whole mess; Jolie isn’t too particular when it comes to sexual partners, is she?

But I digress.

“Angie” accentuated her gorgeous leg while presenting the award for best adapted screenplay. A quick Google search reveals at least four more occasions throughout the night where she repeated the action. One of the winners of the adapted screenplay category, “The Descendants” co-writer Jim Rash, mocked the pose while accepting his award.

The joke was on him, and all bloggers, for that matter; The Hook’s Twitter account has less than 60 followers!

Most of what Jolie’s leg has to say is fairly simple-minded. Sample tweets include “I’m a leg!” and “Look at the leg!

I have nothing further; my brain has begun to melt.

Related articles

• Angelina Jolie at the Oscars: Too Skinny? (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Angelina Jolie’s Oscar Leg Pose Gets Mocked, Memed: VIDEO (towleroad.com)

#155: Mother Nature’s Anti-NASCAR Vendetta!

This one is for the speed demons and rednecks among us.

You know who you are. Unless you’re too drunk to know better… Never mind.

Here’s the skinny: NASCAR postponed The Great American Race after heavy rain saturated Daytona International Speedway on Sunday.

Officials spent more than four hours waiting for a window to dry the famed track, but their prayers and human sacrifices (Hey, it could have happened!) were in vain. And when the latest storm cell passed over the speedway, they had little choice but to call it a day and reschedule.

Can you imagine the uproar? I would have loved to have seen the crowd’s faces; the looks of sheer horror and disgust pasted on their drooling faces would have been priceless!

The 500-mile race was rescheduled for Noon ET on Monday. It will be aired on Fox.

If Fate is through toying with NASCAR, that is.

Related articles

• Mother Nature Is Indecisive This Year (thepetalpusher.me)
• Daytona 500: Race Is Delayed as Mother Nature Won’t Go Away (bleacherreport.com)
• Rain Delays Start of NASCAR’s Daytona 500 (newsfeed.time.com)

#156: Weather Forecasters!

If you failed in your duties up at work – constantly – what would happen, I wonder?

Why then do meteorologists get a free pass? All… the… time…?

Feb. 23: A group of geniuses at Environment Canada predict yet another “Snowmaggedon”. In total, 10 cm. The result?

• Old people panic. Even though most of them barely leave the house.
• People fill up on gas. And sell a kidney to pay for it!
• Municipalities call in extra staff and fire up their salting trucks and equipment. On the people’s dime, of course.
• Grocery stores fill up with panicked shoppers who fear they won’t be able to leave their homes the next day.

Friday, Feb, 24: “Snowmaggedon” arrives.. in the form of rain.

The experts haven’t made such a miscalculation in their predictions since the great 2011 Groundhog Day blizzard, which didn’t live up to its hype. (Instead of the feared 30 cm, Toronto got a manageable 13 to 17 cm of snow back then.)

But none of this surprises me; my dogs have a better chance of accurately predicting the weather than the modern forecaster. Of course, modern-day weather patterns are unpredictable – to say the least – thanks in part to an ecosystem under constant attack by man-made pollution.

But at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be a weatherman for all the money in this messed-up world.

I get treated bad enough as a bellman, thank you very much.

#157: Shatner!

He has become an institution unto himself.

He stormed (or should I say “beamed”?)  into our living rooms at the helm of the ultimate sci-fi program of all time, and he probably thought he’d be there forever. But Fate had other plans for my favorite Canadian, and so the premature cancellation of Star Trek forced him down another path.

Determined to break free of Captain Kirk, William Shatner took any job that came along it seemed. Until his massive ego really kicked in and he not only embraced his sci-fi legend status, he exploited it to an unprecedented degree. Shatner now “transports” more revenue into his bank account from Star Trek fans than any one individual. Only Paramount and the Roddenberry family make more cash than ‘Ol Bill – just barely.

Image via Wikipedia

He has become so big – metaphorically and arguably, physically – that he has achieved “one name” celebrity status. Quite an accomplishment for a man who was forced to live in a truck bed camper after the original Star Trek series was canceled.

He has earned a place in my little blog’s history because quite frankly, he is so terrible, he rocks!

His latest travesty? Or should I say accomplishment?

Either way, Bill will be taking Broadway - yes Broadway - by storm.  Shatner has conceived a one-man show  (hasn’t everything he’s ever ”acted”  in been a one- man show?) called Shatner’s World: We Just Live in It.

Previews began Feb. 14 and it runs at the Music Box Theatre until March 4. Producers said Tuesday that “the two-hour show will take audiences on a voyage through Shatner’s life and career, from Shakespearean stage actor to internationally known icon and raconteur.”

Raconteur? Seriously?

Call him what you will but his stamp on pop culture is unmistakable. To me William Shatner will always be…

• KHAAAAN!!!!
• T. J. Hooker.
• That guy from the Priceline commercials.
• The most polarizing figure in showbiz.
• A great Canadian.
• A sad clown obsessed with death. Just look at recent interviews and his  Star Trek documentary, The Captains; his mortality is at the forefront of his mind these days.

Please don’t hate me for loving how terrible Shatner is – if that makes any sense - but I can’t help myself. In a world of Kardashians and Biebers, he is a singular point of terrible greatness.

Image via Wikipedia

HOOK’S NOTE: This change of pace was inspired by the upcoming comic convention season, of which Shatner is always a big part of. Love him or hate him, he’s a permanent fixture at these events and therefore always on my mind. My apologies.

Related articles

• William Shatner to boldly go on Broadway (cbsnews.com)
• William Shatner boldly tackles death on Broadway (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

#158: The “Very Special Issue” of Comics!

Years ago, The Drew Carey Show mocked the modern-day television convention of the “Very Special Episode”.

I feel the “Very Special Issue” is a comic book convention that deserves to not only be mocked, but beaten, tortured and buried alive.

Why do I feel so strongly? The answer is obvious, really.

I need blog fodder, lots of it.

But I’ve also been inspired by “Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Season Nine” #6, a comic book that picks up where the Buffy TV series left off, with the young, blond hottie slaying the undead – when she’s not banging them – and stumbling her way though life.

Drama and female angst has always been a MAJOR component to the Buffy mythos and this issue is no exception.

And so in one single panel everyone’s favorite vamp hunter ups her drama quotient and draws in mainstream attention from every corner of the media, including feminists and plain ‘ol fanboys like me.

And this isn’t the first time Buffy has resorted to such tactics.

 

 Of course, Buffy eventually went back to a sausage diet – as evidenced by the abortion stunt – but the creators captured the media’s attention, which helped support sales of the then-fledgling Season 8 comic.

In fairness, Joss Whedon has always delivered a superior product and that is in part, attributable to his knowledge of the market; the man-child knows what sells. He gives his creation a plausible motivation for her decision…

But what about the big picture? These publicity stunts rarely contribute to the greater good of the character – unless Buffy keeps the baby it’ll be business as usual in no time – and so the fans are left asking the same question over and over.

What was the point?

#159: Clueless Reporters Who Miss The REAL Story!

Here’s a piece from THE GLOBE AND MAIL, a fine Canadian newspaper… whose standards are slipping.

To say the least.

Nathan Vanderklippe, a Calgary-based correspondent, filed the following report about a family enjoying a new Canadian statutory holiday, Family Day. Here’s the excerpt that caught my eye…

“Family Day is a great time to everyone together and sort of remember why we have families and got married,’ says Ms. Sanrina Stoushnow, who is planning even more festivities for the Monday holiday; a campfire in the garage, with some 20 neighbours to roast marshmallows and slap together s’mores.”

A campfire in the garage?

WTF?

Seriously? Twenty neighbours,a family of four, one very clueless reporter, an editor and ancillary staff, and NO ONE caught this little detail?

Do know what a truly clever reporter could have done with something like this? These people were a gift from the Almighty, and Mr. Vanderklippe just threw them away. Sure, he landed the front page – with a fluff piece that floats off the page – but he could have crafted a truly fun piece to read that actually resonates with people.

Newspapers are dying out, Vanderklippe, you could have struck a blow for their survival.

Oh well, at least this piece made for great blog fodder.

#160: The Terrible Return of Charlie Sheen!

He just can’t leave well enough alone.

I swore off writing about Charlie Sheen long ago, but you can’t ignore a fire that burns at the edge of your consciousness. Sheen was one of the few celebrities that was gifted enough to justify ignoring his many public failings (Robert Downey Jr. is another) but he has fallen so far so fast that I find myself endlessly fascinated by him.

His latest debacle?

He called in to TMZ Live on Thursday and started in on Two and a Half Men, saying, “I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending the show doesn’t suck. I’m tired of pretending Ashton doesn’t suck. I’m tired of pretending like, they’re not completely adrift. Because when you take away the anchor of your show, you’re adrift. … These guys are like approaching salvage vessel, you know?”

Of course, he took aim at his replacement, Ashton Kutcher, albeit indirectly. “I just feel bad for him. He’s saddled with such bad writing.”

He also admitted he still watches the show that gave so much to him; quite a shock, right? “When the show was good, it was great. But now, there’s just nothing about it that’s interesting. I forget that it’s on the air. It’s kind of leaving your child behind with somebody and them not really taking very good care of it.”

Like he could ever help himself.

Image via WikipediaSeriously, Charlie, leave people alone, will you?

I suppose Sheen just couldn’t stand Whitney Houston hogging the spotlight by dying.

Sorry, Charlie, but even with Tiger Blood pumping through your veins, you can’t compete with death.

Related articles

• Charlie Sheen: Ashton Kutcher, ‘Two and a Half Men,’ Suck (inquisitr.com)
• Charlie Sheen SLAMS Ashton Kutcher, ‘Two and a Half Men’ (blippitt.com)
• Charlie Sheen Still Harboring Bitterness Over Two & A Half Men Feud, Says Ashton “Sucks” (perezhilton.com)

#161: The Old “Any Publicity is Good Publicity” Philosophy…

 For celebrities, it seems the easiest – and most direct – way to revive your image is to screw up.

• Fran Drescher was ridiculed for recently declaring she and her gay ex-husband Peter Marc Jacobson were drawn to each other because they both had extra-terrestrial encounters when they were younger. The never-to-be-relevant-again star insists it was a gag that was misunderstood.
• Halle Berry was urged by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services to undergo counselling in order to be a better parent to the child she is currently battling her ex over.
• Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital after a 911 call was placed from her home saying she had “smoked something” and was “shaking,” “semi-conscious” and “burning up.”  While some have speculated Moore abused the drug “spice,” others have suggested she inhaled nitrous oxide, laughing gas to those of us not starring in The Big Bang Theory.

The three starlets have found themselves back in the public eye for everything but their chosen vocation. And they’re not alone.

TMZ - every celebrity’s worst nightmare -  recently released these pictures of Miley Cyrus, the former apple of the Walt Disney Company’s corporate eye. Be warned: they’re not for the puritanical among you…

She was throwing a 22nd birthday party for her Aussie boyfriend in downtown LA… including a giant, penis shaped cake. Right now you’re asking yourself, “But Hook, what kind of loser allows his girlfriend to give him a giant chocolate penis cake at his very-public birthday party? That would be Liam “I swear I’m straight” Hemsworth.

I really struggled with myself over this one; “Do I release the unedited pics or not?” But since I’ve been an advocate of a cleaner media machine, I elected to take the high road.

It’s a shame Hannah Montana can’t say the same.

Don’t these people have agents to drum up projects for them? Or a team of handlers to keep them out of trouble? Or even money managers to invest their earnings so they have something to tide them over when it all comes crashing down?

of course, I originally wrote this post before the biggest celebrity train wreck in recent memory – Sheen and the Kardashians can’t even touch this one – Whitney Houston’s tragic fall from grace.

Image via Wikipedia

It was a slow burn, one that ended with what most are calling an inevitable end; the discovery of her lifeless body in a hotel bathtub.

Four floors below, at a party held in her honor, a horde of clueless morons partied on like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

But something certainly had. To further prove my point, look to Houston’s record sales since her untimely demise.

Nielsen SoundScan has released sales data for Houston’s music for the week ending Feb. 12; consumers purchased 101,000 copies of her albums, presumably since the announcement of her death Saturday afternoon.  That’s quite the difference from the week ending Feb. 5, when 1,700 Whitney Houston albums were sold. Many more digital albums — 91,000 — were purchased than physical albums, which moved 10,000 units. (In the previous week, Houston sold 1,000 physical albums versus 500 digital albums.)

The biggest-selling album of the week was the 2000 compilation “Whitney: Greatest Hits,” which sold 64,000 units in the week ending Feb. 12, versus a mere 600 (!) the previous week.

Just think about that for a minute. Houston was declared dead Saturday afternoon; that means the majority of these sales took place between that evening and Sunday at midnight. An artist dies and people respond by purchasing their music? Did these people suddenly remember how talented Whitney was and how much they loved her work? She could have faked her death for a day and made a small fortune!

Whitney’s classic rock ‘n roll demise has drawn out dozens of washed-up celebrities from every corner of Hollywood; each of them fully aware of the demand for interviews with anyone connected to the fallen diva.

I’d like to close with a witty punchline, but I just realized this post has just drawn even more attention to a group of people who truly don’t deserve it. Even Whitney should just be left in peace.

#162: Writer’s Block.

…..

What, you actually thought I was going to write something?

I’m blocked, bitches!

#163: Valentine’s Day Price Gouging.

Love stings, we all know that.

Sometimes, however, it hits you where it really hurts – the wallet.

This is the one of those days that allows retailers to truly cut loose and stick the collective genitals of consumers everywhere into a giant vise and just… keep… tightening.

• Sparkly bling. You just have to sell a kidney to pay for it.
• Chocolates. You’ll be hearing about the weight gain until next year.
• Wine. Nothing like drunken, clumsy sex that costs $200 a bottle.
• Roses. The “Ultimate Retailer WMD”. They know you’re in love and horny enough to pay anything so they raise prices %300 and blame it on “high demand”.

I TOLD YOU LOVE HURTS...

All in all, Valentine’s Day is another casuality of the retail machine’s relentless onslaught, one that won’t be stopping any time soon.

Unless we get smart and customize our celebrations to fall on different days. If we can put a man on the moon, I’m sure we can outsmart some douchebags in suits.

Can’t we?