HOOK’S NOTE: Well, here we are, the final terrible thing – if I followed conventional countdown protocol, at least.
But I’m not conventional. So here we go…
We’ve established the following: it’s a terrible world and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it but keep lurching forward as Life’s little yappy dogs nip at our heels all the way.
However, if this were a video game and multiple lives were available, we could fall on our pixellated swords and start over.
Here then, is my list of things that would make me end my video game life – 100 times over.
100 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF!
- The phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”.
- Lesbians who try to convert your wife.
- Sloooow computers.
- Being picked last – for anything.
- Rejection letters.
- Trying to list 100 things you’d want to kill yourself over.
- 40-year-old guys who use the word “DUDE!” – A LOT.
- Single people with more than one cat.
- The political process.
- Parents who buy pets as Christmas gifts.
- Test that involve metal objects and tubes inserted into your “fun holes”.
- Deadbeat dads.
- Working the midnight shift.
- Smelly co-workers.
- Pity sex.
- The phrase “I’m late!”
- The concept of “breakup sex”.
- Drunken frat boys.
- The concept of “friends with benefits”.
- When yopu suck at something - like typing.
- Co-workers who think they’re hilarious.
- Cheap rich people.
- Ugly hookers.
- Guys who think $5 makes them a “big tipper”.
- When you can’t remember her name the next morning.
- Hairless cats.
- Soft-core porn. What’s the point?
- “Jackass”-type pranks.
- Concession stand prices.
- People who carry on affairs in front of the world.
- Ass-kissing co-workers.
- Couples who dress alike.
- Peoples who dress their pets.
- Doctors who just don’t give a damn.
- The high price of funerals.
- Drunk chicks who are too drunk to do anything.
- Vomiting in the middle of the night.
- 48-year-old nerds who really live in their Mom’s basement.
- Reality TV.
- Film franchises that just keep going. Indiana Jones, anyone?
- The sun in your eyes as you’re driving.
- A surcharge for 3D movies.
- Carol. It’s funnier if you know Carol.
- Last call.
- The fact that we hate certain people. Hate blows!
- Waiting for the cable guy.
- High school dodgeball.
- People that give you stupid nicknames – that stick!
- Team-building exercises at work.
- Able-bodied people on welfare – who make more than you do.
- A sudden case of the “Hershey squirts”. Disgusting, I know!
- Whatever’s really in the dark.
- A stone in your shoe.
- A sneeze that just… won’t… come!
- Old people who smell like they just rose from the grave.
- When you realize your kids are smarter than you’ll ever be.
- Family reunions.
- The question, “So what do you do?” at parties.
- Constructing furniture from instructions.
- Idiots who give advice on everything.
- People who say “Y’now what I’m sayin’?” – all the time.
- Taking cough syrup.
- The day after payday.
- When your daughter brings home a guy named Slash.
- When you catch your wife with a guy named Slash.
- Christmas fruitcake.
- Being single on Valentine’s Day.
- Watching a parent bully their own child.
- People who think they’re tough – after two karate lessons.
- Health nuts who try to convert you.
- Road work.
- Waiting in line at the DMV.
- When your kid’s taste in music makes you feel old.
- People that like to scare little kids.
- Hot chicks who know they’re hot.
- Forgetting your spouse’s birthday, anniversary, etc.
- The plow guy. How does he know when to strike?
- Trying to park at the mall at Christmas time.
- People that parktooclose.
- Discovering your spouse has dated someone you hate.
- Trying not to look at something you know you shouldn’t.
- Parents who try to live through their kids.
- Blind dates that truly go awry.
- People who believe their own hype. Seth MacFarlane, anyone?
- Families that shouldn’t have reproduced. The Lohans, Kardashians, etc.
- Old people who watch porn.
- Shopping on Boxing Day.
- Douchebags. You know who you are.
- Friends who mooch – for a living.
- People who worship “Non-celebrities”. Snooki, anyone?
- Naysayers. “You’re kidding yourself!” is a terrible thing to hear.
- Trying to impress your Mother-in-law.
- People who claim they have no money for tips – while on vacation.
- Wives who publicly berate their husbands. Kate Gosselin, anyone?
100. Envy. In my case, for The Book of You-know-what! Where’s my book deal? My multiple copies and desk calendars? I’m ready for my crappy coffee commercial! I can’t sit by the door waiting for opportunity to knock any longer; I’ve got bills to pay, bitch!
Okay, I feel better now. I think.
I hope no one takes my “work” too seriously; it’s all in good fun here, people! We need to freak out from time to time. Thank you for accompanying me on this wild ride.
Come back soon for the next leg of the journey.