#187: New Year’s Resolutions!

 Why does the dropping of a ginormous ball encourage us to change our lives?

If you’re overweight, ugly or an addict, shouldn’t you tackle those problems long before the beginning of a new year? 

Image via Wikipedia

The calendar may be new but you’re the same person through and through, so what makes you think God is going to be inspired to instill additional willpower in you at the onset of another twelve-month period?

I mean, I’ve always assumed people who are compelled to make resolutions are assuming The Big Guy is going to take a direct hand in their affairs. Otherwise, they’d have to do it themselves and if they didn’t do it before, what would change in the new year?

Personally, I think prayer is great but I don’t expect a deity to endow me with additional abilities beyond what I’ve already in possession of. If the Hook is going to get an upgrade, it’s not going to come from Up High.

To wrap this up – finally – if you’re unhappy with your life… change it!

Don’t wait for Dick Clark or that Seacrest douche to give you a signal, sack up and do it yourself.

And that’s all I have to say about that – for this year, anyway.

#188: The Sudden Realization You’re… “That Guy”!

PICTURE IT: Canada, 1990. A young fanboy is making his way through a crowded mall, an armful of comic books in tow, when he spots a balding, middle-aged father of three wrestling with his brood while his wife shopped.

The image burned its way into his consciousness while one thought resonated loud and clear…

“THAT POOR BASTARD! I’LL NEVER BE THAT GUY!”

THE PRESENT DAY: Guess who has become “That Guy”?

We all change and most of us evolve to the point where we heed our familial instincts; there’s no point in fighting it. But when you’re young you only see one side of things. When you’re young, family means…

• No freedom.
• No joy.
• One woman – forever!
• No sex! Which makes the preceding rule even more terrible!

Of course, if you make the right choice none of these conditions need come to pass. Pick a decent, loving mate and you’re suddenly unaware of any reservations you might have had; love separates you from selfish desires and allows you to enjoy the feeling that arises from living for something bigger than yourself. But you don’t know that when you’re young.

You don’t know anything, really.

#189: Boxing Day!

Just think Black Friday, but dialed back a notch.

Only a notch.

Beyond that, the two days share many characteristics..

• Some people wait all year for each day to arrive. These are the same people who collect salt and pepper shakers and have more than two cats.
• Crowds of hysterical shoppers will wait for hours in the cold in the wee of the morn to be at the head of the line for the bus to Crazytown. 
• Fans of both days have no qualms about physically assaulting their fellow shoppers in order to secure a deal for some useless piece of crap.
• Supporters of Black Friday and Boxing Day usually have a less than stellar relationship with their loved ones. Why else woud they be out in the cold and surrounded by strangers when they could be surrounded by the warmth of family?

As you can tell, I’m not a fan of Boxing Day. I love a good deal as much as the next guy, but I refuse to be that guy in line who should be home with his family and friends. I’m usually working in order to pay for the useless crap I already have!

#190: Self-Promotion!

This particular rant has been inspired by a fellow blogger.

This individual was once like most of us; searching for something, anything to elevate him from the depths of frustration and despair. He turned to the world of blogging and against all odds, lightning struck and catapulted him to the top of the publishing world with several books based on his blog. Don’t believe me? Just check out his blog, where he recounts his success.

All… the… time.

There is a very fine line between thanking your readers/subscribers for their continued devotion and bragging incessantly until those same individuals are driven to attend one of your book signings in order to do you bodily harm.

And no, this isn’t the Green Eyed Monster speaking; I have respect and admiration for this blogger for achieving his goals. I just can’t help but wonder if all this bragging isn’t directed at one individual in particular, someone who decided this person wasn’t good enough to keep around so  he/she dropped them at the curb like the stinky trash.

There are a lot of bloggers among this person’s readership who are inspired by his success and hope to catch some of the same lightning and bottle it. If they’re like me, they genuinely enjoy his blog but they’re beginning to get more than a little tired of the constant “Look at me! Look at me!” nature of his work.

• First it was the original book.
• Then the second.
• Then the “Special Edition” tied into the seasons.
• The crappy coffee commercial.
• The desk calendar. 
• Finally, the Movement was born! Seriously.

All of which have been self-promoted to death! Marketing is crucial, yes, but when you have an actual publisher behind you they assume the promoting chores.

Not this guy. What’s next?

• “Magnificent” brand condoms. To keep the Magnicicent! moment unspoiled by conception!
• “Magnificent” imodium tablets. Stay Magnificent! even when being attacked by a nasty stomach virus!

I wish I had more, but this is giving me a headache. I need to pop some Magnificent! brand aspirin and lie down.

One last thing: if this person really wants to thank his fans, why not hold a contest and provide the winner with an opportunity to break into the publishing world?

Now that would truly be awesome!

#191: Made-For-Television Movies!

 They are the bastard children of cinema.

Much as Zeus, All-Father of Olympus did when he visited the homes of pretty little mortal maidens, these “films” are the result of directors who have strayed from their expected station and… lowered their standards, shall we say?

Let’s face it, most of these movies are reflective of the meager resources allotted the director and crew. And it shows – in spades.

Duel, a 1971 tale of a humble businessman and a crazed truck driver with MAJOR road rage, was a huge hit. Of course, it was written By Richard Matheson, directed by Steven Spielberg – yes, that Steven Spielberg – and starred a then-popular actor, Dennis Weaver, so that certainly helped.

Just a little.

Cover of Duel (Collector's Edition)

You don’t see too many directors of Spielberg’s calibre directing television movies, so Duel is a major aberration from the norm, such as The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning.

I’m sure that was a real winner in every way.

At this time of the year we have the most dreadful made-for-tv movies of all to look forward to: Christmas specials. Every washed-up or forgotten actor still breathing seems to gravitate to these  ridciculous pieces of TV cinema.

These movies also make me want to kill myself with a cheese grater.

The most notable exception – from a fanboy standpoint – is the The Star Wars Holiday Special. Produced in 1978 with only limited involvement from Lucas, it has been referred to as a “’70s train wreck, combining the worst of Star Wars with the utter worst of variety television.”

Image via Wikipedia

Unfortunately, most TV movies are a virus with no cure – except the remote, of course.

#192: Kim Jong-un – The Dumpling Heir to North Korea’s Future!

Fate has a sick sense of humor – and timing.

As if things weren’t bad enough these days, now we have to worry about this dumpling with arms and legs plunging the world into an entirely different type of winter – a nuclear one.

It’s safe to say no one trusts this little meatball.

• His two older brothers were deemed unfit to rule by their late father/madman.
• The current military regime knows he has no actual battlefield experience.
• The people know he has no leadership experience either – unless you count being first in line  at the buffet.

If our own media is to be believed, the North Korean people are worse than sheep, content to believe their last leader was so evolved he deserved the following titles…

• Guiding Sun Ray.
• Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification.
• Ever-Victorious Iron-Willed Commander
• Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love.

Image via Wikipedia

And 46 more! Despite their reputation for gullibility, political pundits are suggesting the new leader will have his pudgy little hands full attempting to convince his people they live in a grand and glorious country rather than an outdated regime on the brink of ruin.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but all I wanted for Christmas was a nice quiet day with my family, and the knowledge I live in a world stable enough to survive the holiday season.

There goes that dream.

#193: Holiday Music!

My wife loves holiday music.

I cannot stress this enough: she loves it like a child loves her dolls. Various radios in our home blast Christmas songs virtually non-stop all season.

These songs make me want to kill myself with a cheese grater.

Basically there are only a handful of Christmas compositions, but they have been covered by everyone from Mariah Carey to The McKenzie Brothers! And some of these songs have been mangled beyond recognition by these “artists”.

Image via Wikipedia

Still, there is a large portion of the population that loves to wrap themselves in the trappings of the holiday season and music is an essential part of the ritual.

It just gets sooo annoying at times. I mean. twenty-four hours of this dreck? For months at a time?

Personally, Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang Syne is the only holiday song I truly enjoy, and many would argue it isn’t actually a Christmas song at all.

That’s probably why I like it.

#194: When You PRETEND To Be Listening To Your Spouse…

 But you really aren’t!

You’re traipsing through a minefield, my friend. If that wasn’t bad enough,  you’re also carrying a flask of nitroglycerin! One wrong move and…

Image via Wikipedia

Need I say more?

#195: The Sudden Hipness of Ugly Holiday Sweaters!

I believe a lack of creativity is to blame for this latest holiday trend.

How else do you explain the sudden emergence of this latest fad? I mean, I hate the whole concept of “cool and uncool”, but come on! Who are people – by “people”, I mean fashion “experts” – trying to kid with this latest scam?

Ugly is ugly, people.

THEY MAY BE CUTE – BUT THEIR SWEATERS AREN’T! flickr.com

Aunt Betsy may have had her heart in the right place – and her meds mixed-up – but her holiday gift was and always be fugly. You can call a box of dog feces wrapped in a stylish design with a pretty bow a masterpiece and tout it around town as the latest hip trend…. but it still stinks!   

Then again, what do I know? You should see my wardrobe!

#196: Turducken!

Have you heard of this Frankenstein Monster of the culinary world?

Are we not fat enough in North America?

I don’t mean to be blunt, but this creation was designed to feed the obesity epidemic, not help fight it. A turducken is…

• A de-boned chicken stuffed into…
• A de-boned duck, stuffed into…
• A  de-boned turkey.

Seriously.

Apparently you can leave the bones intact if you’re feeling adventurous. I’m sure this dish is delicious, but the concept blows my mind! Why not wrap the turducken in cotton candy and dip it in chocolate?

My disrespect may enrage some champions of this new holiday trend, but I’m sure they can console themselves with a new creation…

La Turducken!!

• Just wrap a turducken in noodles and sauce.
• Bake into a lasagna!
• Have the defibrillator ready and the ambulance standing by.

Happy holiday eating, everyone!

Image via Wikipedia

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