#5: Kids That Declare: “I’M BORED!”

Never let it be said that The Hook is unsympathetic to the plight of the Modern Kid; I realize kids have challenges that range from minor (convincing their parents to fork over their hard-earned cash for Justin Bieber concert tickets) to major (bullying, broken homes, etc.) but this a lighthearted jab at the modern rugrat, so let’s get silly,  shall we?

I know a child – who shall remain nameless in order to ensure my safety – that has the following items in her room..

• A big-screen plasma TV.
• A digital receiver.
• A DVD player and over 100  movies and various TV series boxed sets.
• Hundreds of books – of both the comic and novel variety.
• An iPad.
• Dozens of Barbies (Twilight, DC Comics superheroines, etc.)
• A laptop.
• Several portable video game devices and games.
• An iPod touch.

And that’s just the swag I know about! Despite this wealth of devices  designed to fill hundreds of hours of a child’s carefree existence, she will still periodically declare, “I’M BORED!”

I fondly recall the days of my carefree youth, when we rode bikes and drew fresh air into our young bodies. My summer routine was simple: I would get up at 9 am, eat a hearty breakfast of sugary cereal and hit the open road on my ten-speed. I’d be gone all day!

Of course, those days are long gone, A parent can’t let their child just gallavant like a vagabond until dinner, not in this world filled with monsters lurking around every corner.

But that’s a terrible fact to be explored another day.

As for children who feel they’re hard done by, they simply need to be reminded of just what they have - and how easily it can be taken away.

#6: When Your Instincts Land You In The Doghouse!

Specifically, a man’s “Cleavage Vision”!

Not to be confused with Superman’s enhanced vision, I’m referring to a man’s innate ability to spot a woman’s chest area from a mile away. It’s hardwired into our DNA; we really have no control and thus should not be held responsible for simply responding to our body’s natural instincts.

If you’re not buying this, you’re in good company. My wife was not amused last week when I spotted one of her childhood friends at the local community centre. The friend in question had chosen a red – a color proven to draw attention regardless of gender  - workout top with a PLUNGING neckline that mere words cannot do justice!

This was entrapment, of that I am certain. Most women would have checked her out, never mind the men! And believe me, the outfit choice was deliberate; when the time came to leave she zipped up her coat – to be clear, it was cold out that night – but stopped precisely where the “action” was, so to speak!

Nevertheless, I received a MAJOR ribbing from my spouse for the rest of the night and she even sold me out to my father-in-law! Fortunately, he was true to the “Guy Code”.

“I noticed her last week when she said hello to me. That girl is built!”

I told you so.

#7: BLACK FRIDAY!!!!

The name alone strikes terror into the hearts of the timid.

For those who are unwilling to die for big savings, this “holiday” signals a lockdown system in their brain that requires them to hide their car keys, avoid viewing flyers and switch the channel when commercials appear. For the timid, this day is not worth risking life and limb for a cheap television or laptop.

For the brave/crazy though, this is the day to shine. Like Jason Voorhees on a certain Friday, Black Friday is the moment they’ve waited all year for, the time to seize shopping glory at any cost.

At a Wal-Mart in Los Angeles, 20 people who were injured the Thursday before the big day, when a woman competing for prized merchandise blasted pepper spray into a crowd of her fellow crazies. Wal-Mart, of course, was the site of a Black Friday death in 2008 when a 34-year-old employee was killed trying to hold back the crowds at a Long Island location. The crazed crowd took the doors off their hinges and stormed the store. The man fell down and was trampled by over 200 people as he gasped for air.

But to some the real tragedy here was the disruption to their carefully planned shopping excursion.

Wal-Mart’s response to this senseless tragedy was to open their stores the night before and stay open all night.

That didn’t work out too well, did it?

Retailers can try to avoid a massacre, but the X-factor of human behavior will always trip them up. Regardless of the size or scope of the plan, Black Friday will always be a day filled with fear and loathing as shoppers attempt to tear each other to bits.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Related articles

• Woman Pepper Sprays Other Shoppers at Los Angeles Wal-Mart on Black Friday (shoppingblog.com)
• 10 Injured at LA Wal-Mart Black Friday Eve (time.com)

#8: When Your Fingers Can’t Leave The Radio Dial…

As a dad, husband, son-in-law, comic book fanboy, etc., I spend a great deal of time on the road – in  a mini-van, ‘natch – and I usually love driving around my fair city.

Except when there’s nothing on the radio.

Before you say, “Get a satellite radio, Hook!”, let me tell you, at the end of the month there is barely enough for comics and Coca-Cola, let alone luxuries/necessities like satellite radio! I manage to scrounge together enough to keep my daughter in graphic t-shirts and Monster High purses, but at the end of the day, I’m poor, dammit!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Getting back to my plain, old-fashioned radio, I’ve  lost track of the number of trips that went something like this…

1. Get in the van and start off on the open road.
2. Turn the radio on.
3. Hit a button and discover some crappy rap song about bitches and hos. I’m not gangsta enough for songs about bitches and hos, thankfully.
4. Hit another button and face an audio assault from that punk kid with the lesbian haircut! You know who I’m talking about!
5. Hit another button and find a great song – that’s ending!
6. Hit another button.
7. And another.
8. Discover “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls and wrestle with the moral implications of not hitting the button!
9. Hit another button – again!
10. And another.
11. JACKPOT! A great song. Just in time too, because…
12. I  arrive at my destination – and scream at my radio!

Related articles

• Sirius Trouble: Is Satellite Radio Headed for a Fall? (dailyfinance.com)

#9: Job Interviews!

Where to begin?

• First you sit in a crowded waiting area with other nervous souls who would kill you if it meant they’d be guaranteed the position!
• Then you sit down in another room while some middle-management schmuck stares at your file for what seems like forever. What’s in there, your life story?

Finally, the interview begins and you start to feel the heat when you get those inane questions hurled at you. If only you could answer truthfully.

• “Why did you leave your last position?”  They downsized my ass, that’s why!
• “Why did you choose us?”  Starvation doesn’t fit into my lifestyle!
• “What’s you ideal starting salary?”  I don’t know, what do you make?
• “How would you handle  a disgruntled customer?”  That depends, do you have bail coverage for employees?

Assuming you don’t leap over the desk and throttle said middle-management weasel, you should come through the ordeal physically unscathed, but forever scarred. Hopefully you have enough leeway in your schedule to grab a coffee before your next interview.

Unemployment rocks. right?

#10: Waiting Your Turn At The Pharmacy!

Pharmacies aren’t exactly known as urban hot spots, but they do attract a large crowd who are “dying” to get in.

Drug companies are more powerful and profitable than ever and your local drug store has become more than just the place to get your Prozac or Viagra; it’s the spot where your slow descent into madness begins. Oh sure, they tell you the wait is “about ten to fifteen minutes”, but unless you’re already medicated, you’d have to be a fool to believe them.

And so you wait.. and wait. In the meantime, you could always…

• Read the latest Cosmopolitan and discover the “Ten Things Your Man is DYING For You To Try in Bed!” Here’s a hint: just getting into the bed with the express purpose of engaging in coitus is enough for 90% of the male population, so maybe you should forget what the “experts” at Cosmo have to say.
• If you’re feeling extremely brave you could browse the “Family Planning” aisle and check out the latest innovations in “Climax Control Lubricant”. (I had no idea what it was either, so don’t feel bad!)
• You could always do your grocery shopping and pay 300% more per item than you’d pay anywhere else.
• If you’re really suffering you could try to grab a seat in one of the three seats provided for your comfort.
• A quick check of your blood pressure – which is sure to rise the longer you wait – is always a great way to pass the time.

Sooner or later your number will be up, hopefully before “your number is up”, so to speak!

#11: Searching For A New Job!

For many of you, there’s a good chance this is  #1 on your personal list of terrible things.

Is there anything worse than the fear and desperation that sinks in mere moments after you’ve lost a job?

“I can’t be out of work,” you think,  “I have bills to pay, a mortgage, kids that won’t stop growing, and a million other things to worry about. What am I going to do?

And so you start checking the paper and the local employment websites before you have to actually head down to that sinkhole of human misery, the dreaded unemployment office. You won’t find a soul in that place having any fun! The staff is angrier than the people they’re supposed to be helping!

We’ve all been there. What we do for a living defines most of us. It moulds our image in the eyes of society, unfortunately. Personally, I have no problem carrying the luggage of ungrateful douchebags in order to put bread on my table.

It’s certainly better than the alternative.

Ten Terrible Things: A Toddler “Speaks” Out!

BONUS RANT! Today’s declaration comes to you from The Hook’s “nephew” Jack C. The translation may be a  bit off – my “baby-speak” is a little rusty – but hopefully you’ll get the general idea.

Let’s get right to it, shall we?

1.  NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU! – Well, dogs do, but no one understands them! So even though you grunt, cry and moan, it’s all for nothing! Don’t these people speak English?
2. YOU HAVE TO SIT IN YOUR OWN WASTE! - Why? Because no one understands you require servicing!
3. EVERYTHING IS OUT OF REACH! -  How are you supposed to get through the day when you’re vertically challenged?
4. YOUR WARDROBE IS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL! – Seriously, who picks out some of these outfits?
5. CHILDREN’S PROGRAMMING - Some of these shows make no sense – even to a toddler! What kind of rat bastard approved this dreck?
6. THAT CRAZY, BLAND PASTE THEY CALL “BABY FOOD” – It doesn’t fly far enough when you throw it and it tastes awful!
7. THE WAY ADULTS TALK TO YOU – We’re not dogs! “Who’s a good boy?” over and over doesn’t get any less annoying the hundredth time!
8. MANDATORY NAP TIMES YOU HAVE NO APPROVAL OVER – What if I don’t want to sleep? I did it for nine months in a pool of bodily fluid. Enough is enough!
9. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK – I mean really drink! The world is big, loud and crazy, but you’re not allowed any real stress relief!
10. NOT HAVING A LICENSE - The best place to catch a few high-quality zzzs is a car, but you’re at the mercy of those who decide when a good time for a cruise is!

Related articles

• New Baby Book Records Your Toddler’s Worst Moments (prweb.com)

#12: Trying To Track Down The “Holy Grail”!

For me, it was an action figure from the Six Million Dollar Man television series – look it up, kids – and tracking it down sent my parents on a quest from one toy store to another.

Ultimately, they came up empty and while I’m sure I wasn’t amused back then, it’s all a distant memory now. Decades later, I found myself spending a morning on the phone while my wife scanned the internet. The object of our quest? A Monster Highdoll, specifically, the daughter of the Yeti, Abby Bominable.

Confused? Join the club, pal. You have to pay close attention when you’re a parent and that’s not always easy. Thankfully, Google is there to bail you out. Monster High is the latest – although the way things change in the kid world, it’s probably been replaced already – “Must-Have” toy to hit stores.

Image by pullip_junk via Flickr

In a nutshell, they’re the teenage daughters of famous monsters. Just think Barbie meets Bratz meets Universal Monsters and you’ve got it. A couple of kids fell for them and now they all have to have them or they’ll suffer an aneurysm or something. It’s all beyond me but I know one thing: the look on my daughter’s face when she acquires one of these dolls compels me to move Heaven and Earth to get one.

All parents know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there at some point or another; sometimes we succeed and snatch that elusive item just in time – sometimes we literally grab it from another poor slob – and sometimes we don’t. I shudder to recall my epic failures and so we won’t discuss them here. Either way, it’s a tough racket.

• You scroll through one eBay window after another, searching for a dealer whose price won’t force you to sell a kidney, and then you spend days running back and forth to the computer, checking your auction ranking.
• The phone book sits open for hours as you call every store in your area and listen to more Muzak versions of Celine Dion tunes than you can stand! When you do reach someone, you have to repeat yourself numerous times, as the pimply faced kid on the phone is more clueless than you are!
• When you do hit the jackpot, you have to hope the clerk on the phone will actually have enough compassion in their Big Box heart to hold the item in  question until you can race out there without running into a speed trap!

If luck – and the Fates -  are truly on your side, you’ll snag that special treasure and fill your child’s heart with love and gratitude. All will be right in your universe.

Until the next rare item catches their eye.

Related articles

• The Season’s 15 Hottest Toys: Watch the TV Ads (adweek.com)
• new monster high dolls (thediamondringreview.com)

#13: When You Have To Please The Toughest Food Critic Of All…

I love my daughter, but she has this routine that ends with either my wife or I beating our heads against the wall – at times, literally.

• First the freezer is opened and scanned… then slammed shut.
• Then the pantry is opened and searched… and both doors are thrown closed.
• Next, it’s back to the fridge and another search that involves a lot of sighing.

Finally, the same old declaration is shouted for all to hear..

“There’s NOTHING to eat in this house!”

Sound familiar?

The real fun begins when you start bouncing menu items off her.

• Hamburgers?  “Disgusting!”
• Eggs and toast?  “Gross!”
• Chicken?  “That’s sick!”

You gotta love kids, right? I mean, you really have no other choice but to play along, wait until they exhaust themselves, and then jump in with another dozen suggestions they’re sure to shoot down.

Parenthood rocks, doesn’t it?