#21: When Your Halloween REALLY Gets Scary!

When you’re a kid, it seems like the world is against you; so many things can go wrong and you take it personally.

Halloween can be a source of soul-crushing disappointment and here’s why:

• If the weather turns on you – which it so often does – you find yourself preparing a kick-ass costume no one will truly see! “What’s Timmy this year? An Arctic explorer? Again?”
• Will Mom and Dad spring for an actual candy bucket this year, or will the stained pillow case make a horrifying return? Or worse, the Wal-Mart bag?
• Will your parents give out cool candy to your classmates or will you be shunned the next day. It could be social suicide to live in a cheap household.
• Neighborhoods inevitably shift demographics; fewer kids living on the street usually means older homeowners who can’t be bothered to hand out candy. At least, good candy, anyway!

 

 

• People have gotten frugal in these tough economic times: you’ll notice fewer porch lights on this year, I guarantee it.
• There is always at least one jackass who dresses up and lies in wait for unsuspecting kids. He leaps out, they scream (and even drop their candy sometimes!) and some poor parent has to pick up the emotional pieces!
• You may run into schoolmates whose parents sprang for a cool new costume while you’re wearing an “economically challenged” outfit. You can’t wait for school the next day, can you?
• Time is your enemy; you get hot and tired in a winter coat and costume and you just know the parental unit is going to run out of steam eventually. Can you snag some decent treats in time?

And finally…

Sooner or later you reach that awkward age and Halloween feels like “kid stuff” that you’ve evolved beyond. Now that is truly scary.

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• How to Keep Your Kids Safe and Healthy on Halloween (abcnews.go.com)
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#22: “Terrible” Halloween Costumes!

We all wore one of these at least once over the span of our childhood.

• The masks were that low-end plastic that scratched your face to ribbons if it cracked.
• There was one thin rubber string that snapped before the night ended, guaranteed.
• Breathing was optional, so one tiny hole was provided for your mouth. Your breath shot back and caused you to sweat to death in about fifteen seconds!
• Vision was equally optional, hence the poorly designed eye holes.
• The capper was the garbage bag that served as the top!

Halloween horrors! retroCrush.com

It’s a wonder we went out at all in these things! But I guess if everyone is suffering, we don’t realize just how bad off we are. Until we grow up and break out the family photo album.

These days, the costumes have improved in quality but not cost; a half- decent licensed outfit will set you back at least $40.

Halloween is for kids, but they’re not the ones paying for it.

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#23: Crappy Halloween Candy!

This one is for the kid in all of us.

The list is far too long.

• Apples.
• Mints.
• Those various “old person” hard candies.

• Tiny bags of chips and mini chocolate bars!

• Raisins. What kind of child wants a healthy treat?
• McDonald’s coupons for ridiculously small portions.
• Toothbrushes. Seriously?

And finally, the most polarizing of them all: candy corn! Some kids, like my daughter, love this stuff, but Google “crappy Halloween candy” and it makes every list, every year.

When you’re a kid, trudging from door-to-door on a cold night, in a hot costume, these are the last things you want to see!

Nonetheless, they still wind up in distribution every year, only to be discarded November 1st, the same day the people who gave them out are cleaning the eggs off their windows.

#24: When Your Kids Realize You’re Not A Math Teacher…

Or any of the following:

• Soccer coach.
• English, History, Science or Geography teacher.
• A tradesman of any sort.
• A world-class chef capable of duplicating all the dishes they see on the Food Network.
• The “Ultimate Handyman”, able to decipher the otherwise indecipherable instructions that accompany most modern toys, bikes, furniture etc.
• The master of every website needed for every school project that they will ever be assigned.
• Parent of Leisure: always available for carpools, bake sales or any fundraising efforts.

I think I’ve made my point by now, right? Our children view us as GODS – for an all-too brief period of time. And why not?

After all, we infused them with the gift of life itself, an act only an omnipotent being would be capable of. We fill many roles during those formative years:

• Healer of boo-boos.
• Slayer of any and all bedroom demons.
• Teller of bedtime stories.
• Guardian of good dreams, ever vigilant and always prepared for the onslaught of childhood nightmares. 
• Creator of delicious meals and snacks.

Sooner or later our kids outgrow their “childhood vision” and begin to see us, and the world itself, in a more realistic light. I don’t know about you, but I find that light unflattering.

At the moment my daughter still sees me as a figure worthy of admiration and respect. Sure, she often teams up with my wife to bust my… chops., but her eyes still sparkle when I walk through that front door at night.

If an enterprising individual were to market a technique capable of sustaining that feeling indefinitely, they’d be richer than J.K Rowling.

If you’re a parent of young children, sit back and bask in their admiration and hero-worship – while you can.

#25: When You Have To Channel Your Inner Ninja!

Anyone who has ever tried to sneak into or around their own home in the middle of the night wishes they could move silently as a trained assassin would.

I know I do.

But whenever we make a concerted attempt to not wake anyone up we’re just asking for Fate to step in.

• Our keys “jingle, jangle” more than Gene Autry’s spurs. (Look him up, kids!)
• The front door opens like it’s heavier than solid oak.
• We step on the cat.
• The floor creaks like an old man’s bones. 
• Our feet stick to the floor and we emit a bizarre series of sounds.
• We knock something over. Something heavy – and loud.

In my case, most of these things happen in the morning but the point remains valid: the ninja discipline wasn’t started to kill one’s enemies silently, it was started by some Asian guy trying to sneak back into his house after a night of throwing back too much warm sake.

But don’t quote me on that.

#26: That Distinctive Hospital “Scent.”

Let’s face it, hospitals suck.

Yes, they fulfill a vital role in our civilization, but they’re also a reminder of the fragility of life and the dangers of bureaucracy. In fact, you could fill an entire book with rants dedicated to the evils of the medical profession. The food alone warrants a chapter or two!

Hmm, maybe I’m onto something here…

At any rate, this particular entry is dedicated to that sensation you encounter when first you step through those automated doors; that all too-distinctive hospital “fragrance”.

If it doesn’t hit you at first – perhaps the smell of the lobby Tim Hortons or the flowers in the gift shop are overpowering – it definitely strikes once you enter a ward.

There is no escaping it.

• It crawls into your nasal cavities and nests there!
• Your eyes begin to water and you feel nauseous;  it feels as though you just finished watching a Meg Ryan flick!
• You want to run in the opposite direction before you have to check yourself in!

That combination of ammonia, body odor, colostomy bags and unidentifiable elements forms a potent stench that cannot be ignored. Medical professionals have to be built of stronger stuff than us mere mortals just to walk into a hospital every day, to say nothing of working there!

So what can you do? Good luck opening a window – they’re usually harder to crack than a safe – and even then, unless you’re standing right beside it the entire visit, you’re unlikely to achieve sufficient relief.

No, all you can really do is try to put the smell out of your mind and concentrate on comforting the patient who has to deal with it – and so much more – long after you’ve gone.

#27: Hairless Cats! AND….100,000 Hits! AWESOME!

I realize they are God’s creatures and thus worthy of respect, but I have a major problem with this species of feline.

They freak me out, simple as that.

They resemble a raw piece of chicken – with bug eyes and claws.

FREAKY, RIGHT? Image by Wikipedia.

HOOK’S NOTE: We interrupt our regularly scheduled countdown of all things terrible to bring you this important announcement. Well, its important to me, anyway!

November 19, 2010: A neophyte blogger named The Hook decides to crack the spine on a new blog, The Book of Terrible.

The polar opposite of another blog which will remain nameless, The Hook’s new home forgoes the process of celebrating the “AWESOME!” and instead highlights the joy one can experience from spotlighting the“TERRIBLE!”

Less than one year later, I’ve written a few hundred posts – while making more than a few mistakes along the way – and I’ve learned a thing or two about blogging and life in general.

• NEVER PISS OFF A GIRLFRIEND WHO WRITES A BLOG!  You’ll be  paying for years. Seriously.
• KEEP HITTING THE SPELL CHECK!  Even then, you could screw up, but don’t stop trying!
• GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!  My format change from pop culture rants to “terrible countdown” was prompted by my realization that people want to laugh about shared experiences like the frustration we all feel when someone can’t shut up during a movie. I hate that!
• BLOG BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.  When it becomes an obligation or an addcition, its time to go back to using your computer to surf porn.
• NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF NOSTALGIA.  My most successful post focussed on the “old” Catwoman Julie Newmar’s opinion  on the new Catwoman Anne Hathaway. People love to revisit their youth; the memory is always better than the actual experience.

Flickr

In closing, a heartfelt “Thank You” to all of my visitors. Whether you’re a subscriber, a casual reader or someone who was just looking for naked pictures of Laura Calder – and there are a lot of you out there – you have my eternal gratitude for stopping by.

With any luck you’ll be reading the print version of The Book of Terrible and You’ve Been Hooked! by this time next year. We can’t let the “AWESOME!” people have complete control of the  book world, can we?

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#28: When Your Train Of Thought Goes Off The Rails!

Don’t you hate it when…

Wait, what was I blogging about again?

Don’t you hate when this happens, as it inevitably must when you stop to consider all the “junk” floating around our consciousness? The system is bound to get clogged every once in a while!

Our reaction is humorous at times…

• We’ll  hit our heads in a vain attempt to dislodge the obstruction.
• We’ll ask our spouse, “Honey, what was  going to say?”, because telepathy is an ability we automatically receive when we say “I do.”
• Paralysis sometimes sinks in and we just stand still and ponder just where we went wrong…

 

 

#29: Coming Home To Your Least Favorite Meal!

I carry luggage for a living.

Sometimes it really sucks to have to serve ungrateful, cheap, retarded, inbred tourists and their window-licking spawn, so I look forward to a nice meal when I get home. I sometimes feel like Al Bundy, charging into the house and declaring, “Well, my life sucks! Do you know what happened at the shoe store today, Peg?”

But I don’t do that – often.

Image via Wikipedia

My wife takes it all in stride anyway. However, she knows that I hate one food above all others. 

Nonetheless, she continues to make it for the rest of my little brood. The food in question?

Spaghetti.

I know many of you out there adore this dish and its infinite variations, but my hunger is greater after I consume spaghetti than before I sat down!

And so VampireLover (the wife!), and Sarah have to listen to my constant stream of complaints, such as, “I can’t believe we’re having this again!” or “I’m going out for a burger after!”, every.. single.. time.

But that’s what family is all about right?

So I’ll continue to “Man up” and eat spaghetti – but I won’t like it.

Ever.

#30: People That Talk During The Movie!

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, this one is so obvious it hurts, but it also reaches everyone.

Who hasn’t been pissed off by some Chatty Cathy? The modern moviegoer has enough to deal with these days without some moron disregarding the basic rules of civilized society.

• First you spend time you’ll never get back in line. By the way, it just feels like an eternity! 
• Next, you shell out more money for two tickets than you spent on your wedding anniversary!
• Then you make that climb up the aisles until you find the perfect seat – or any available one!
• Next you take out a small loan to pay for popcorn and a drink. A side note: the size choices are ridiculous, aren’t they? Do you need three litres of Coke when you’re going to be sitting for two hours?
• Then there is the “pre-show” a.k.a fifteen minutes of advertising to contend with.
• Next are the previews that show you the entire movie in glorious make-your-ears-bleed surround sound!

Finally - assuming you survive the build-up – the Feature Presentation begins. Things are fine – at first. Then, just as you’re being drawn in by the magic of the cinema, the bottoms drops out of the whole experience.

Someone, you’re not sure just who, can’t shut up!

Or rather, they refuse to. People know what they’re doing, they just don’t care. The hell with you and your quest for a few hours of peace and enjoyment  in the dark.

You can always rent the movie when it come out.

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