#42: Back-to-School Shopping With Your Mom!

Yes, I know it’s almost October – sue me!

Truthfully, I always had a blast shopping with my Mother (and Grandma), but I know most of you out there weren’t exactly doing cartwheels at the prospect of trudging through a mall trying on new clothes.

The guys know what I’m talking about, right?

Just try to think back to some of the outfits your mom picked out, if you can handle the memories, that is! As a child of the Seventies, I know that clothing styles have come a long way since I committed my string of fashion crimes against humanity, but that doesn’t change the fact that parents and kids don’t see eye to eye when it comes to what is considered acceptable in public school.

And God help you if you run into anyone you know while on your little excursion; I nearly lost an eye diving into a rack of dress shirts once! 

Image by Blogspot.

If you look too clean, you’re going to get teased. If you’re dressed too mature, you’ll get beat up. And if you look like and accountant, then you better persuade your mom to let you buy a quality pair of runners because you’ll be hoofing it like Forrest Gump!

Word to the wise: plan your escape route out of the school ahead of time.

We all know Mom means well, and let’s face it, there’s no way to get out of it, so embrace the back-to-school excursion and wring what pleasure you can from the experience.

 

Oh, and it may not be a bad idea to take karate over the summer.

#43: When Good Heroes Get Bad Reps!

Today saw the release of Aquaman #1.

The seventh Aquaman #1.

He can withstand the crushing pressure of the ocean depths and this makes him tough enough to be invulnerable to machine gun fire. He also possesses superhuman strength and can swim at speeds of 10,000 feet per second. He can even swim up Niagara Falls!

But ask most people who he is and what do they say?

“Isn’t he that fish guy?”

He’s been around since 1941 and has navigated the treacherous waters of comic book popularity with the best of them. He’s starred in cartoons, been a Super Friend and even had a television pilot centered around him. It failed miserably, but you gotta admire the orange and green garbed one’s tenacity.

He’s adapted with the times: a hip, blue outfit and attitude for the 1980s:

Image via Wikipedia

A beard, long hair and a hook (He sacrificed a hand for his fans. How many superheroes do that?) for the 1990s.

Image via Wikipedia

But every time, his sales eventually dip and DC Comics sinks the King of the Seven Seas to a watery grave.

But somehow, he still floats to the top. Now he has Geoff Johns, arguably the comic scribe of our age, guiding his adventures.

His creators have even acknowledged his PR issues and dealt with them head on by subject our hero to heckling from fellow diners at a seafood restaurant. In their defense, he does order fish and chips!

Will he succeed this time? I wouldn’t bet your buried treasure on it, but one thing is for sure: he’ll always survive to ride the waves again. Until the undertow of public sentiment drags him down – again.

#44: When People Pick The Dumbest Things To Protest!

I know the title is a little weak, but sometimes you just have to be blunt!

First off, I’m all for activism, in all it’s forms.

But why do some people throw themselves at issues that really aren’t of any consequence in the grand scheme of things? I mean, the global economy is failing, homelessness remains rampant and kids are bringing handguns to school. Does any of that matter to One Million Moms?

Before you ask, One Million Moms is an offshoot of the conservative organization American Family Association, and they’re campaigning against what it says is ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s “tasteless” name for its new ice-cream flavor.

 I’m sure you’re wondering just what the Ben & Jerry’s people are thinking, but there’s a method to their madness: the name is derived from a highly popular Saturday Night Live sketch that featured Alec Baldwin as bakery owner Pete Schweddy, who says of his holiday-themed concoction: “No one can resist my Schweddy balls.”

Honestly, the sketch is hilarious and it’s proof of just how talented the SNL writers, and Alec Baldwin, can be. I don’t know who the hell came up with the concept of mining a SNL sketch from the 90′s to create a limited edition ice cream flavour, but Ben & Jerry’s spokesman Sean Greenwood said the flavor has proved wildly popular, and another production run is planned.

“We’ve been hearing from many fans. It appeals to those who love our irreverent sense of humor. If you watch the skit, it’s a lot easier to get the joke,” Greenwood said. “We’re feeling pretty psyched about Schweddy Balls.”

I had to include that last comment. 

To be fair, One Million Moms is an online organization that appears to have good intentions. From their website:

OneMillionMoms.com was begun to give moms an impact with the decision-makers and let them know we are upset with the messages they are sending our children and the values (or lack of them) they are pushing.

Our goal is to stop the exploitation of our children, especially by the entertainment media (TV, music, movies, etc.). Mom, OneMillionMoms.com is the most powerful tool you have to stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children. It is time to fight back!

While I appreciate their effort, I wish they would stick to tackling actual issues of social relevance and not start a bonfire just to draw attention to their group.

Alec Baldwin is more of a threat to himself than the youth of America.

Related articles

• One Million Moms Boycott Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls Ice Cream (inquisitr.com)
• Schweddy Balls Leaves Sour Taste in Conservative Group’s Mouth (adweek.com)
• Don’t eat Schweddy Balls: Lobby group (cnews.canoe.ca)

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• Schweddy Balls Leaves Sour Taste in Conservative Group’s Mouth (adweek.com)
• Don’t eat Schweddy Balls: Lobby group (cnews.canoe.ca)

#45: The Lure of Cyberspace…

KNEEL BEFORE JOBS! Image via Wikipedia

Blackberrys, iPads, laptops, PCs, and even cyber cafes, they all serve what has become an essential function in modern society.

They allow us to hurl virtual livestock at complete strangers with no legal consequences.

Twitter exists to allow mammals with opposable thumbs to share the most miniscule portions of their day with one another. Facebook exists to bridge the geographical gap between humans, but mostly it’s used to share the most trivial details of our lives.

And so women scorned can share their fury with the world. Seriously, I’d hate to be a teenage boy in this modern era of virtual relationships. I mean relationships that unfold over the web, not couplings that exist only on the web, that’s a whole other modern convention that baffles me.

I doubt anyone could have predicted just how dominant a role the internet would play in our lives when it first began to be utilized on a grand scale. Nonetheless, certain visionaries acted quickly, and now we have dozens of geeky billionaires whose creations shape our lives while they slurp champagne from the navels of high-priced hookers!

I’m assuming that’s what they do with their fortunes.

The fact remains, we’ve become wholly dependent on our virtual sustenance to sustain our physiological well-being. I’ve seen people physically melt down when they’re unable to access the web, nit just kids, and not just those whose livelihoods are dependent on the ‘net, but people from all walks of life.

We check our e-mail during dates. We take our laptops on vacation. We even order our groceries online, thus denying our bodies the fresh oxygen and sunlight.

The web is our master and we serve more than willingly.

#46: The Cupcake Craze!

1796: American Cookery makes mention of a recipe notation of “a cake to be baked in small cups”.

2011: The modern North American female goes completely goofy for the basic mixture of butter, sugar, eggs, and flour. They tinker with the recipe and create hundreds of variations. They centre entire businesses around the sale of said creations, and they focus entire television reality shows and competitions on the flavorful confections.

For (nauseating) example,

• Cupcake Wars – But no one actually goes to battle! How disappointing.
• DC Cupcakes – What can I say? Even the title is boring.
• Cupcake Girls – Theses girls are annoying, and there’s no nudity!

I have a friend who has launched her own “Cupcake Nation” from her home, so I’m skating on thin ice here (especially since she can kick my ass), but I see dozens of giggly females prance through my hotel every weekend, their arms full of trays of cupcakes and it just makes me scratch my head sometimes.

Especially when you see the wedding parties that have thrown out the notion of the traditional cake and opted to totally embrace this new fad. Tell me Grandma is going to enjoy trying to jam a cupcake in her withered mouth!

Until next time, my friends…

#47: Cell Phone Addicts!

Image via Wikipedia

There’s no question, cellular technology has changed the world.

But the Catch-22 scenario is in full effect here.

For every time your phone has come in handy, you’ve cursed some jerk who won’t even acknowledge your presence because they’re engaged in some mindless, trivial chat on their phone!

And let’s face it, 90% of cell phone conversations consist of “So, what are you doing tonight?”, or “What do you mean you’re late?”

The younger generation has completely embraced the notion of worshiping at the temple of cellular technology. The cell phone is their Machine God! But make no mistake, adults are just as guilty of carrying the “cellular monkey” around with them.

And let’s not even discuss those reckless individuals who still insist on operating their phones while driving. They are completely oblivious to the lives they put in danger, but on the plus side, they stay in the loop with all their friends.

Related articles

• Cell phones : a hidden danger (access2010.wordpress.com)

#48: Dealing With Insurance Companies!

This one fills you with dread and revulsion, right?

Most people would rather have a root canal, accompanied by their mother-in-law, while listening to a compilation of nails scraping a chalkboard than deal with an insurance agent!

I have nothing against those who toil in the industry, I’ve known many fine agents, but the very nature of the modern insurance industry is overwhelming to the common man.

Have you ever tried to file a claim? I say “tried”, because the last thing any insurance agent wants to do is approve paperwork that releases funds to a client. That doesn’t sit well with the “Boys Upstairs”.

After all, you’re supposed to put money into your company’s coffers, not take it back out when you need it.

After all, that would go against the very principles these companies were founded on, right?

#49: The Lack of “Replay Value” in Today’s Cinema.

Image via Wikipedia

So the wife and I are channel surfing, desperately searching for something to fill a few hours before bed, and we happen upon Grease.

Taking into account the fact that I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve watched this one, I nonetheless suggested we stick with Danny and Sandy.

“We’ve seen this millions of times!”

To which I replied, “But you can watch this a million times, quote the lines by heart, and still feel satisfied afterwards.” 

And it’s true, certain films latch onto our subconsciousness and become a part of us. They gain a repeat factor of “infinite”.

But the big studios aren’t exactly mass producing films of this caliber anymore. Hairspray and Mama Mia! appear to have struck a chord with audiences (I know my family has returned to these two more than once!), but with the exception of franchises like Lord of the Rings or that Potter kid, we’re often forced to return to old favorites to bring that warm fuzzy feeling to the surface.

Studios are desperate to create a franchise they can milk for millions in ticket sales and merchandising rights, they couldn’t care less about whether or not a single piece will stand the test of time.

#50: The Way We Look At Each Other…

It was a beautiful morning, sunny and warm. Far in the distance, I spotted an old lady pushing an empty shopping cart; instinctively, I crossed to the other side of the street.

A minute or so later, I looked over and a young man was jogging on the sidewalk; he crossed paths with the lady and she slowly raised her head let out a soft “Good morning”

I’m not exactly sure just why, but I felt a wave of shame wash over me like rain, permeating every corner of my mind. Had I really done anything wrong?

I just naturally assumed the woman, dressed in old, ratty clothing and bent over the shopping cart, was someone worth avoiding.

But she was someone’s daughter – once.

She may have even been a mother or wife at some point. She probably had a full life, filled with love and laughter. She still could, who knows? Eccentric behavior isn’t necessarily a bad thing; rich people get away with it easily. Why do the meek have to suffer for their quirks?

This woman was simply pushing a cart down the street at 8:30 in the morning and people just assume she’s crazy.

Sometimes I consider myself intelligent and worldly, but then a higher power reminds me of the fact the world is vast and filled with riddles I haven’t even considered trying to solve.

#51: Toll Booths!

Image via Wikipedia

As a Canadian, I don’t have to deal with this particular terrible thing as often as my Yankee cousins, but even I know toll booths suck!

Public highways are paid for and maintained by the government, right? And where does the government get their funds?

By bleeding dry their constituents, that’s right. So why, then does the government find it acceptable to sock it to the common man while he’s travelling the very roads he already paid for – through the nose?

How will they erect toll booths when flying cars are the vehicle of choice?

Related articles

• Europe paves way for unified toll payments (admiral.com)