A Potential Misstep Of Super Proportions – The DC Universe Will Be Reborn In September!

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But as what exactly?

To the uninitiated,  in fanboy-speak, a reboot of the DC Comics family of titles, (Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, etc.) essentially means over 50 established titles will undergo a revamp of their oft-rewritten 76 year-plus history of shared continuity.

In other words, the names and faces will stay the same, but when it comes to just about everything else after August 31st, all bets are off.

With  over 50 new #1 issues, a Geoff Johns-Jim Lee (they’re HUGELY popular comic writers/artists)  Justice League, and a plan to fully embrace “same-day” digital distribution (The first major publisher to do so) the Warner Bros. owned company is taking a MAJOR gamble with their market share.

Or are they?

DC is one of the “Big Two”, (Disney-owned Marvel Comics being the other, ‘natch!) and their fans are nothing if not loyal. Not to mention they’re backed by a monster company who won’t let their Golden Goose fail.

I use the term because in addition to monthly comic book titles, DC’s characters appear in novels, video games, clothing and literally thousands of other products.

Warner Bros can’t afford let the DCU reboot fail. Even the timing of the announcement has been calculated to coincide with the release of the second issue of Flashpoint, the DC mini-series focussing on a world on the brink of destruction, the result of  a timeline-altering villain.

The biggest change so far? Dr. Thomas Wayne survives the famour robbery  and becomes Batman to avenge the murder of his wife and son!

 

Now that readers know just what the final outcome of Flashpoint will be, sales should fly higher than you-know-who! Of course, if readers decide to resent DC for tinkering with established continuity once again, this reboot will become the comic book equivalent of New Coke!

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Overexposed Celebrities Are Media Cancer!

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Lohan, Sheen, Fey, Winfrey.

Even if you’ve been living under a rock without wi-fi, you know who they are. The media has made damn sure of that.

Even though the Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen train wrecks appear to slowed down, the Tina Fey express has been shamelessly thundering along for weeks.

“She writes hit movies and television shows! She impersonates crazy politicians! She pens best sellers celebrating her greatness!’

Yeah, yeah, she’s great, just ask her.

Of course, all three are lightweights compared to the Queen of All Media and soon the universe, no doubt. The media loves to exploit celebrites, but Oprah is the mistress of self-exploitation.

Now that  Oprah‘s “last” show has aired, we can expect to see her smiling face EVERYWHERE. But let’s be clear, her brand now has its own network, a more suitable platform from which to launch the final stage in her plan for world domination.

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It began with free swag for the audience, then she told people everywhere what to read.

 Then she recruited experts in various fields, had them sign their souls away, and molded them into celebrity gurus.

Next she built a school to mold the next generation of “little Oprahs” (Which is an  oxymoron if you think about it!) and now she’s going toe-to-toe with the network douchebags for supremacy of the airwaves.

I realize millions of people love her and have benefited from her efforts, but as for those of us who refuse to pledge allegiance to the Oprah flag, I’m afraid we’re out of luck.

She owns us already, we just haven’t found the brand on our scalp yet.

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China has “WMDs”?

It’s true, there have been confirmed reports of WMDs in China’s Jiangsu province.

Watermelons of Mass Destruction.

Done laughing?

The overuse of a chemical growth accelerant was blamed in one report by China Central Television. The news agency also said farmers were overspraying their crops, hoping they could get their fruit to market ahead of the peak season and increase their profits.

 According to the Xinhua news agency, 20 farmers in a village in Jiangsu province planted imported seeds from Japan, with 10 households saying their watermelons began exploding last month.

Okay, so greed led to disaster, nothing new there. But what bothers me is this: farmers who didn’t use growth accelerant are still dealing with exploding crops!

Have the Chinese learned nothing from the tragic example of Godzilla? Chemicals can have disastrous consequences!

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Some Heroes Just Can’t Get Off The Ground….

The situation is grim and all hope appears lost..

Then, HE appears, looming and powerful like a modern-day demigod. He is…Dishman!

Excuse me?

Dishman was most likely conceived in a dorm room after a weekend of weed and booze. His power is self-explanatory: if your water line was busted and the silverware was piling up, he was your man!

 Dishman was a “parody”, supposedly. I accept they can’t all be Superman, but come on!

The Whole Vampire Craze Bites!

They’re everywhere these days – and it really sucks!

Movies, television, adverstising, and even books (Yes, some people still actually read!) have all been placed under the thrall of the modern-day “sensitive and wildly-romantic” vampire.  

Don’t blame Anne Rice, though, her vamps were gay!

One last thing, to all you lovely women out there who are feeding this vamp-frenzy: just remember this little fact about the objects of your affection…

 

YOU’RE THEIR FOOD, YOU CRAZY CHICKS!

Waiting For A Pot Of Water To Boil…

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But it never does!

Your impatience morphs into frustration followed by white-hot rage.

The little veins on your forehead make an appearance..

And then you notice you forgot to turn the burner on!

Moron.

Schwarzenegger Puts An Austrian Bun In The Wrong Oven, Now He Has Egg On His Face!

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Since leaving the California governor’s office in early January, Arnold  Schwarzenegger has sought ways to bring his profile back to the top of the heap in the entertainment industry.

He has definitely succeeded.

The Los Angeles Times has revealed the former “Governator” was playing house with a woman who worked for his family for 20 years and retired in January.

Nothing too unusual about a major Hollywood star/politician cheating, except…

• The former staffer conceived a “little Terminator” with Arnold.
• She claimed another man — her husband at the time — was the child’s father. When the Times later informed the woman of the fact Arnold had let the ten-year-old cat out of the bag, she declined to comment further.
• According to a Times source, Schwarzenegger took financial responsibility for the child from the start and continues to provide child support.
• The revelation apparently prompted Arnold’s wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver, to leave the couple’s home before they announced their separation to the world last week.

“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago,” Schwarzenegger told the Times in a statement that also was sent to The Associated Press early Tuesday. “I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.

“I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time,” the statement concluded. “While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not.”

What a typical Hollywood “I cheated, please forgive me” type statement from a beloved icon. Doesn’t Arnold have a spin doctor or two to turn to in his hour of need?

As for this woman,  she’s apparently shut her hole. She should have done that ten years ago.

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We Can All Exhale Now, Trump Is NOT Running For President!

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There, doesn’t that feel better?

After weeks of seemingly endless speculation and a political firestorm ignited by the whole “birther” issue, real-estate mogul and reality television “icon” (His words, not mine!) Donald Trump has officially announced he will not enter the 2012 race for the  GOP nomination.

“I will continue to voice my opinions loudly and help to shape our politician’s thoughts. My ability to bring important economic and foreign policy issues to the forefront of the national dialogue is perhaps my greatest asset and one of the most valuable services I can provide to this country,” he said.

Trump, however, is still running for Supreme Being of this reality.

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The End Is Here For Smallville!

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After ten long years, Smallville’s Clark Kent has finally flown into television history, shattering the show’s “No Tights, No Flights” rule in a blaze of glory.

SARAH: Hey, what are you doing?

THE HOOK: Just writing about the series finale of Smallville.

SARAH: It’s “Sarah”s Smalville”, Dad!

THE HOOK: Is it?

SARAH: Hey, I’ve been busy with school, piano, karate, watching Glee.. oh, and just being a kid!

THE HOOK: Fair enough. So, what did you think of the last-ever episode?

SARAH: I still can’t believe it’s over…

THE HOOK: Focus..

SARAH: All right. I liked the opening with Chloe and her future son reading a Smallville comic book. I just didn’t understand how she acted through the episode. It was as if she knew what was going to happen.

THE HOOK: She did wear the helmet of Dr. Fate briefly.

SARAH: That’s true. Still, they really expected the audience to just accept things without explanation, Like the whole Jonathon Kent situation; was he a ghost? Did Martha actually see him or not?

THE HOOK: It’s called “suspension of disbelief” and Smallville has relied on it quite a bit in ten seasons.

SARAH: It’s called a room full of lazy writers!

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THE HOOK: That too. Still, Jonathon’s presence was necessary, as was Lionel‘s. The show has always been about Fathers and Sons and their dynamic. Clark turned out a hero because of Jonathon and Jor-el, and of course Lionel’s actions produced..

SARAH: The greatest character of them all – Lex! Who finally came back in a way that made some sense.

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THE HOOK: They literally patched him together and used cloned organs to complete him! Oh, and Lionel’s heart, his final gift to his son.

SARAH: All that matters is that he came back. He even told Clark to finally become Superman instead of the “Blur”, which I didn’t really get.

THE HOOK: He wanted an enemy who was worthy of doing battle with the last Luthor.

SARAH: That’s another thing that bothered me. What about Tess? Lex stabs her and she doesn’t even get a funeral tha we get to see? That’s really what she deserved?

THE HOOK: They spent so much time on the wedding that never actually happened, there was no time left for Tess” funeral, I guess.

SARAH: Fine, but what about Jimmy? The credits promised us Jimmy, but even though Jonathon was running around as a ghost, there was no room for another ghost of a beloved character? I wanted to see Jimmy!

THE HOOK: You got Jimmy’s twin in a retro outfit..

SARAH: But no actual Jimmy! And to be clear, both the Olsen brothers like to dress that way and the camera around the brother’s neck originally belonged to Jimmy. Chloe gave it to his brother at the funeral.

THE HOOK: To sum it up, though, were you happy with the ending – Clark flying into action against Darkseid (Pretty lame victory though, he just flew straight ahead and the bad guy explodes!), and the costume finally making an appearance?

SARAH:  I was pretty excited when he flew – finally! It was the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Same with the costume. But no one actually called him Superman except for Chloe. But I guess you can’t have everything.

THE HOOK: Not in the television world. Even though it had a spotty history, I’ll miss Smallville.

SARAH: What are we going to watch now?

THE HOOK: Doctor Who, Supernatural and Being Human come to mind…

SARAH: Weird, but good. Gory and super violent. And finally, awesome!

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A Bad Day For “The Warlock”, Or Have We All Been Punk’d?

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It’s lonely being the Boy Who Cried Wolf – just ask Ashton Kutcher.

After years of pulling elaborate practical jokes on Hollywood buddies and the world, he now finds himself crying “I’m the new Charlie!”, but I’m not sure anyone is ready to believe him.

Yesterday, Demi’s husband tweeted the following riddle:  “What’s the square root of 6.25?”  It’s 2.5, as in Two and a Half Men, get it?

We’ll see, but for now The Hollywood Reporter, USA Today, and other celeb gossip outlets are all over this story. Just like Charlie Sheen is, I’m sure.

Can you imagine the reaction at Sober Valley Lodge when this news reached ‘ol “Tiger Blood’s” ears?

ONE FINAL SAD NOTE:

It looks like Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane has crashed,  again.

Entertainment Weekly is reporting NBC has passed on the David E. Kelley-helmed pilot: “scuttlebutt reveals the pilot earned mixed reviews at test screenings. And then there was all the online blow back about the costume – which seemed to de-emphasize the patriotism and play up the comic’s Greek mythology. Ultimately, the wardrobe department went back to the drawing board but that didn’t seem to save the project.”

It’s just not a good day in Hollywood for some, it appears.

Oh. well everyone effected still has more money than me, so screw ‘em!

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