Charlie Won’t Shut Up And Oscar Failed To Entertain!

He’s experiencing a renaissance most actors can only dream of: after years of bad movies, a hit first-run television sitcom falls in his lap, beautiful women with no inhibitions or self-esteem are throwing themselves at him like tweens on a lock of Justin Bieber’s hair and he has more money than God!

Why then does Charlie Sheen insist on sabotaging a role that only requires he show up on time and play himself for a few weeks a year?

In an interview with NBC’s Jeff Rossen that aired on TODAY Monday morning, Sheen put himself in a select Hollywood group that includes the late Farrah Fawcett and Joaquin Phoenix. Namely, actors that seem hell-bent on destroying their legacy of solid performances with erratic, self-destructive behaviour.

Sheen lashed out at his Two and a Half Men co-stars, who their credit, have been unusually silent so far,  “It’s everybody thinks I should be begging for my job back, and I’m just going to forewarn them that it’s everybody else that’s going to be begging me for their job back.”

And he even took cheap shots at total strangers, claiming he is nothing like the average addict or alcoholic, who he says lack his strength of character, describing them as “fools, trolls. Weak. Defeated. They allowed defeat to be an option. I will not.”

The interview just gets weirder and more pathetic from there and Today is planning on airing more tomorrow morning. I’m betting they stretch the whole thing out for a week; Charlie’s latest meltdown is ratings gold.

And of course TMZ.com was all over the story, with Sheen actually granting them a poolside interview after Today! Unfortunately, it cost him his longtime publicist Stan Rosenfield, who resigned immediately after and issued the following statement: “I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much. However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned.”

Lindsay Lohan is going to have to launch a career as a girls-only porn star to top this one.

Speaking of lesbians, Anne Hathaway made a lesbian joke at the Oscars that fell flat, as did the opening sequence that completely ripped off Billy Crystal’s innovative routine from years gone by. There’s talk of bringing actual comedians back into the fold next year, (something they probably would have done if the Academy wasn’t so afraid of another Ricky Gervais incident) but we’ll have to see.

It was pretty cool that Hollywood vet Kirk Douglas stole the show (and after a stroke no less!) and proved ad-libbing beats the hell out of the work of a bunch of sweaty geeks who still live in their mom’s basement!

Personally, I thought Hathaway and James Franco did a solid job in roles that are always hit and miss at best. They should have pulled a Gervais and just cut loose on their fellow stars – the public would have loved it and screw the celebrities who can’t laugh at themselves! If the Academy want the Oscars to survive they’re going to have to take drastic action.

I’m sure they can land Charlie Sheen for next year’s broadcast.

COSTUMES LIKE THIS AND THE RATINGS STILL SUCKED?

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Terrible Bits ‘n Pieces Of Pop Culture: Variety Pack

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It’s been a crazy week in the ever-changing world of pop culture, friends. But then again sanity isn’t exactly the norm in Hollywood, is it?

Let’s begin with a man who truly exemplifies the whole “The most gifted artists are the craziest ones” analogue, Captain Jack Sparrow himself.

Johnny Depp will be strapping on a mask and holster outside of the privacy of his bedroom for Disney’s upcoming version of the Lone Ranger but director Gore Verbinski says he’s only interested in a new spin in which Depp’s Tonto isn’t just the sidekick – he’s the main man.

‘The only version of The Lone Ranger I’m interested in doing is Don Quixote told from Sancho Panza’s point of view,’ Verbinski tells the Los Angeles Times. ‘And hence I was honest early on with Johnny that Tonto is the part. We’re not going to do it [straight], everyone knows that story. I don’t want to tell that story.’

Don’t worry Gore, with Johnny Depp inhabiting Tonto’s skin, a traditional tale is the last thing you’ll get. It’s interesting to note that Depp inspires incredibly strong loyalty in his collaborators – Verbinski directed Depp in the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies – as well as the upcoming animated comedy Rango and Tim Burton and Depp have made seven films together!

On a personal note, The Hook’s still pissed they couldn’t find a way to cut through the legal red tape and bridge the connection between The Lone Ranger and The Green Hornet – The Hornet is The Ranger’s direct descendant – but that’s a mess for another day.

THE SHEEN TRAIN WRECK ROLLS ON…

Speaking of messes, Charlie Sheen just can’t stop talking trash while on vacation with his ex-wife, porn star girlfriend Bree Olson ( Winner of the  2010 AVN Award for Best All-Girl Three-Way Sex Scene for the The 8th Day, I bet that experience has proven invaluable!) and nanny! You’d think the guy would be too busy applying soothing skin cream to his genitals tired to move, much less burn more bridges, but he’s a trooper.

Yesterday, he was apparently working on a new HBO series., but the network moved quickly to dismiss that project as a rumor. Today, he’s shopping a tell-all book focussed on life on the Two and a Half Men set and he wants $10 million for the publishing rights, according to TMZ.

And speaking of Sheen’s ex (?) Brooke Mueller, what kind of mom divorces her children’s father and then publicly cavorts with him and his porn star girlfriend and their kids’ nanny?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring for Sheen, but odds are it’ll be fun to watch.

  Ginsburg Spaly Inc

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• Johnny Depp: My favorite comic book character is… (herocomplex.latimes.com)

If You Want To Commit Career Suicide Charlie, Fine, But Leave Two And A Half Men Alone!

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Well, you’ve gone and done it now Charlie.

Just when I thought I could spend my time writing about the other terrible things unfolding in this crazy, mixed up world, you decide to fully publicly implode.

After a profanity-laced tirade during which he repeatedly bit the hand that feeds, well fed him, Sheen’s bosses did the unthinkable (At least in terms of revenue) and gave him a gift – the “Golden Network Axe”, and cancelled Two and a Half Men!

At least for the rest of the season. Had you there for a minute, right?

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen‘s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season,” the short statement from CBS says.       

Here’s a sample of Sheen’s latest debacle on talk-radio, primarily directed at two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre.

“I violently hate Chaim Levine [Chuck Lorre],” he said on Thursday, calling from the Bahamas. “He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I’d never want to be like. That’s me being polite,” reports TMZ. In a missive to fans, Sheen called Lorre a “contaminated little maggot,” adding, “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.” The same day, he told Radar via text message that he’s poised to complete negotiations for a HBO show called Sheen’s Corner. Sheen would be paid $5 million an episode for the program where he would invite guests to ”focus on the truth and the absurd!”

What’s interesting to me is the fact that Sheen started this latest firestorm from the comfort of the Bahamas where he’s supposedly vacationing (from what?) with his ex-wife Brooke Mueller, adult film star Bree Olson and ‘nanny’ Natalie Kenly! Multiple news agencies, including Entertainment Tonight, are reporting on this foursome but the story is small potatoes compared to this latest dish.

I just don’t know how much more damage Charlie can do, but I wish he would keep it confined  to his little twisted porn paradise. Haven’t the rest of us suffered enough as a result of these celebrity train wrecks?

Image courtesy: GSI Media

Related Articles

• CBS Cancels Production On ‘Two And A Half Men’ For Remainder Of Season Following Sheen’s Radio Rant; Actor Fires Back (omg.yahoo.com)
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• Charlie Sheen: I Cured Myself With My Mind (omg.yahoo.com)
• Two and a Half Men Ends Production for the Season Following Charlie Sheen’s Radio Rant (omg.yahoo.com)

What’s So Great About Oscar Anyway?

It’s February so Hollywood is on fire as the flames of the Mighty Oscar Hype Machine burn their way across the collective consciousness of all in its path.

In other words. you can’t pick up an entertainment publication, scroll across a website or even turn on a radio without being slammed by news of the Academy Awards. Apparently the universe will perish and the populace will die screaming in agony if you miss what Natalie Portman is wearing on the red carpet.

Or something like that, I may be over-exaggerating but I’m just caught up in the frenzy.    

I used to love the Oscars but my tolerance shrunk as the production ran longer and longer each year. They’ve added more blockbusters (True Grit) and kiddie fare (Toy Story 3) in an effort to reach a wider, more tolerant audience, but I still don’t think they can grab the coveted male 18-34 demographic if they continue to shun features like The Expendables.  

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Yeah, I know Stallone and crew aren’t Oscar-worthy thespians, but way back when the original idea behind moving pictures was to entertain as well as enlighten. Now the Academy is interested in pushing “serious films” but the Hype Machine is anything but serious.

There are Oscar Party Diets to slim the ladies down for the big night. Recipes for Oscar snacks and of course, fashion predictions detailing which star will be wearing the latest craze by the newest “It” designer. I bet Trojan has an Oscar themed gold-tinted condom just in case your party ends with a bang!

So to speak.

 The Academy is only interested in “films” not “movies”, but the public is hungry for movies. They spend their hard-earned cash on movies. They want to see movies honored at the Oscars.

So give the people what they want. Or they may just end up hiring The Expendables to set you straight.

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The New Hollywood Craze: Adult Fairy Tales?

Before you get too excited, I’m talking about actual fairy tales, not the xxx variety.

People have been complaining for years that Hollywood’s creative minds have run so short on ideas that they just keep recycling past glories. When you look at the fact that out of all of last year’s blockbusters, only 20% were original stories and not sequels or remakes, it seems to be true.

Trailers already running for Red Riding Hood, an attempt to merge the classic tale with the current werewolf craze partly inspired by Twilight. Yet another reason to hate vampires!

Now that the genie is out of the bottle, so to speak, they’ll be no putting it back in. Snow White and the Huntsman will star Kristen (I swear I only look stoned!) Stewart as the fair maiden targeted for death by huntsman the evil queen Charlize Theron. Viggo Mortensen plays the huntsman who takes pity on the Fairest Of Them All and trains her to kick evil-queen ass!

That’s the premise, I swear.

And that’s not all. The Brothers Grimm: Snow White will give Julia Roberts a shot at box office redemption after a few lean years. I know she made Eat, Pray, Love, but that sucked if you possess a “y” chromosome.

We can even look forward to a “re-imagining” of the Wizard of Oz with James Franco as the Wizard and Mila (Did I or didn’t I go down on Natalie Portman in Black Swan?) Kunis! Mila Kunis will be the Wicked Witch of the West before she was wicked, so just a menopausal witch I guess.       

Image via Wikipedia

At any rate, Sam Raimi is directing so it may be worth watching, but the story precedes the fairy tale we all grew up with so we can expect a much more fearsome breed of flying monkey. I’m guessing a 3-D version with blood-dripping talons. Real kiddie stuff. 

Beastly opens in a few weeks and is basically Beauty and the Beast in high school and is Vanessa Hudgens‘ chance to propel herself back up the popularity charts. It looks like the stars have decided the key to reclaiming fame lies in mining the stories of childhood.

We’ll see if they find a happy ending, so to speak.

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Teletoon Is Terrible!

At the ripe old age of 41 (Almost!), it takes a lot to phase The Hook, but the state of children’s television programming comes close. What are these douchebags in suits thinking  when they repeatedly schedule Kill BIll Vol. 1 on a Saturday night?           

Don’t get me wrong, I worship the film making skills of Quentin Tarantino and the Kill Bill films display his greatest assets – a deep respect for retro films and the bold daring necessary to stand out in a grossly overcrowded market. But I’m an adult and I know what to expect from the man’s films.

Namely, unrepentant killers engaging in so much bloodshed the color has to be reverted to black and white at times!

Yeah, this is suitable for kids.

But my twelve-year-old, though more accepting of violence in film theses days, is another matter entirely. Teletoon, a Canadian network supposedly specializing in children’s programming airs adult fare under different banners meant to differentiate it from “kid stuff”. After spending the day loading up on  sugar, kids don’t go to sleep that early on the weekend so these films are easily accessible.  Kids are still channel surfing at 9:30 pm.

Don’t kid yourselves folks, the douchebags in suits know this. They just don’t care enough to air their adult programming on a different network like they do for retro cartoons or french-language shows.

What’s next, ”Saturday night with the Sopranos on Teletoon?”

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It’s Not Always Easy Being A Wonder Woman In A Man’s World!

Wonder Woman was first brought to life by Dr. William Moulton Marston in 1940, and her creation was inspired by the two women in his life, his wife Elizabeth and their “friend” Olive Byrne, who lived with the couple in a polyamorous relationship!    

Hard to believe she was created by a horny academic, right?

 Yes, the man whose research led to the creation of the lie detector, lived with two women in a intimate relationship and was very much into bondage and even peppered early Wonder Woman stories with bondage themes, which he believed would lead to world peace! In his own words..

The only hope for peace is to teach people who are full of pep and unbound force to enjoy being bound … Only when the control of self by others is more pleasant than the unbound assertion of self in human relationships can we hope for a stable, peaceful human society. … Giving to others, being controlled by them, submitting to other people cannot possibly be enjoyable without a strong erotic element”.

As for his creation’s effect on boys, he later wrote: “Give them an alluring woman stronger than themselves to submit to, and they’ll be proud to become her willing slaves!” For obvious reasons Marston’s creation was toned down over the years, though she didn’t necessarily have it any easier.

In 1974 the ABC network gave the world a Wonder Woman tv movie featuring a blond heroine with no powers, no familiar costume or even a secret identity or Amazonian history!       

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In other words, ABC bitch-slapped their audience in much the same way they would decades later with LOST.

Nonetheless the character was re-tooled and a short pilot was created – “Who’s Afraid of Diana Prince?” a comedy starring a plain, dull, single gal who lives with her mother until she changes into a familiar costume and becomes a beautiful, empowered woman! Fortunately, it died before it could pollute the airwaves. Believe it or not, the Amazon Princess’ next appearance was an animated series starring the Brady Bunch kids!

Yep, Wonder Woman’s rep took a beating before Lynda Carter came along in The New Original Wonder Woman pilot. The title sucked, but they got everything else right this time.

At least enough for the time period.

Now our friends at NBC are going to take a shot at Wonder Woman, (CBS scooped up the series after ABC dragged their feet in the renewal process) and they’ve even cast their heroine. Adrianne Palicki (Friday Night Lights) will star and here’s the official description straight from WW’s DC Comics blog, The Source:

The series pilot is a reinvention of the iconic DC Comics title in which Wonder Woman – a/k/a Diana Prince, is a vigilante crime fighter in Los Angeles but also a successful corporate executive and a modern woman trying to balance all of the elements of her extraordinary life. Kelley and Bill D’Elia (“Boston Legal,” “The Practice”) are the executive producers.

Sounds sketchy at best, but honestly, what else could they possibly do to Wonder Woman that hasn’t already been done?

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Logan’s Run – A “Terrible” Cult Favorite Returns!

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Whether it’s a song, book or movie, every one has a guilty pleasure; that one artistic creation that you love even though you know it’s a steaming piece of garbage.

Logan’s Run is one of The Hook’s cinematic guilty pleasures and I’m not ashamed to say so. Of course, I know what many of you are thinking right now.

“What the heck is Logan’s Run?”

Way back in 1976 when movie studios were still interested in making films with substance as well as flashy effects, a science fiction novel that actually had something to say about the way society views the aging process was adapted to film.

Logan’s Run, by William F. Nolan and George Clayton Johnson transported readers to a society ravaged by war with a novel approach to diminishing resources and rampant population growth; execution for anyone over the age of 21! Logan is a “Sandman” whose sworn duty is to apprehend “Runners”; citizens who, after much soul-searching,  have decided they would like to live!

Of course, Hollywood being Hollywood, the transition from print to film was far from seamless. Star Michael York (You know, Austin’s Powers boss!)  looked older than 21, so 30 became the cut-off date, so to speak. And 1970′s special effects did sometimes come up short, and that’s being generous!

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To say the film had a mixed reception when released would be an understatement.

It earned an Oscar for effects but critic Gene Siskel wasn’t too impressed. He gave the movie no stars and called it “the worst major motion picture in seven years of reviewing films.”

I suppose there’s something to be said for the direct approach. The Hook discovered the film when it hit the small screen and at the time I thought it was great. Of course, I was a kid, so my standards weren’t exactly high. But the premise still intrigues me, now more than ever.

We live in a world that sits on the razor’s edge populated by a culture that glorifies youth and shuns seniors. One of our most popular figures is a little puke with a lesbian haircut! The time is ripe for a re-make of Logan’s Run, wouldn’t you say?

Ryan Gosling, enjoying a career-high right now, will re-team with the Danish director of his upcoming thriller Drive, Nicolas Winding Refn, to give Logan’s Run a shot at mainstream redemption.

Here’s hoping they succeed. It would be shame to have to execute the 30-year-old Gosling.

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Ken & Barbie: A Match Molded In Marketing Heaven!

It looks like Sweet Talking Ken is going to have lots to say in the near future, if Barbie lets him, that is. 

Yep, Ken has decided to leave the single life behind (He couldn’t keep up with Charlie, even though technically he can’t get drunk!) and hitch his plastic wagon back to Barbie’s Dream Car. They’ve been swinging singles since 2004, but now true love, and corporate greed has won out and the couple will soon be as happy as the rest of us in a committed relationship.

“Ken and I were made for each other,” Barbie tells USA TODAY. “Our love is grander than any Dream House.”

I’m guessing whoever writes for Barbie wrote Snooki’s novel!

It looks like the marketing geniuses over at Mattel decided there was no more money to be made torturing their creations and millions of little girls and sexually confused boys by keeping the plastic couple apart. The saga began on Valentine’s Day 2004 when Barbie needed some “space” and sent Ken packing. She began dating Australian surfer Blaine, while he did his best to get her back in 2006. Despite his efforts — he even hired celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch to help him achieve a new look — the two dolls remained just friends.

Of course, the other plastic shoe to drop in this love story is the marketing opportunities Mattel plans to take full advantage of.  The “Together Again” gift set that will retail for just $5. According to the company, “The dolls come ready for a romantic date in Malibu, sporting sun-kissed tans and modern fashions inspired by their original 1959 and 1961 swimsuits.”

A romantic date in swimsuits? Barbie sure knows how to set an interesting example for little girls everywhere, doesn’t she?

The couple have plans to merge their Facebook pages and you can view the gripping result at www.facebook.com/barbie.

I just hope Ken doesn’t question Barbie about those “art photos” of her and John Mayer that TMZ found.

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Smallville: The End Is Near – And That’s Terrible!

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Why does the flame always seem to burn the brightest before it is extinguished for good?

As the series finale approaches faster than a speeding bullet, (Had to be done, sorry!) Smallville is arguably more popular now than ever before.

A far cry from a first season that was as unstable as the planet Krypton!

Over ten seasons the show has added new dimensions and depth to the Superman mythos without ever showing us the Man of Steel! And thanks to a strong fan base, starving for a polished superhero television drama, the show’s creative team has been allowed to open Clark Kent’s world to other heroes and villains.

We’ve seen dozens of DC Comics characters join the show on a semi-regular basis (The Justice League and The Justice Society)  and even join the full-time cast (Green Arrow, an unusual choice but a great one!)

And in true final season fashion, we’ve been treated to the return of Annette O’Toole as Martha Kent and the incomparable John Glover as Lionel Luthor, a  character no one has taken the time to explore until now. That’s fine though; it gave John Glover a chance to give us a man who has been both devil and saint and instrumental in shaping one of the world’s greatest fictional villains.

Speaking of old Lexie..

We’ve been teased with shadowy figures and malformed clones, but we get the real thing back just in time for the finale. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

“It feels like the stars are aligning, literally. We couldn’t be more excited about having Michael back,” Smallville show runners Kelly Souders and Brian Peterson told Deadline.

“And as far as the way he returns … there’ll be no doubt about how Lex becomes the great rival in Clark Kent’s life. He is the villain of the story.”           

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“I’m simply doing it for all of the fans out there who made Smallville the great success it is,” Rosenbaum said. “I appreciate all of their passion, their relentlessness and even their threats. Ha ha. I can’t wait to hug the old crew back in Vancouver one last time and see all of my old friends once again….. Oh, and for Lex to become the badass he’s destined to be.”

I know my daughter has been clamoring for Rosenbaum’s return – she’s flown through all nine previous seasons on DVD and Lex quickly became her favorite character. Sarah is actually sad that he had to become a villain, a true tribute to how a fictional character, when portrayed correctly, can hold become almost real to us.

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