Reality TV – An Untreatable Disease?

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The Food Network has a show called Cupcake Wars.The Kardashians document every single minute of their “working day” in order to educate the masses. A single, fame-obsessed mom  named Kate “raises” eight kids on her own.

Yep, this is what reality television has come to, folks. And despite the title, Cupcake Wars is NOT about a group of scantily clad, drunken, bisexual college cheerleaders pelting each other with baked goods.

I know, no one is more disappointed than me.

Instead, we have a competition in the vein of Cake Challenge, pitting bakers against one another for a cash prize of $10,000. I’m a fan of several Food Network programs, but I can’t help but be puzzled by the whole reality tv virus and just how many networks have been infected. David Hasselhoff even had his own show on A&E featuring his quest to launch careers for his two daughters.

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The network pulled the plug on The Hoff after two episodes, but the larger issue still looms – A&E used to be a respected network specializing in actual arts and entertainment programs. Now their fortunes rest on Dog the Bounty Hunter and Billy the Exterminator?

To be fair, they do air Hoarders, an excellent examination of our desire to retain memories through the accumulation of things. Some people may find it as exploitative as the rest of it’s reality tv ilk, but at least the program attempts to treat the participants and leave them better off than they were before the cameras switched on.

Speaking of exploitation, have you seen My Strange Addiction? It focuses on people who love to do things like eat toilet paper and laundry detergent or work out excessively.

The latter is depicted in the form of a woman who could make Wonder Woman her bitch.

Lauren P. used to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, now she’s addicted to extreme bodybuilding. She works out up to six hours a day, six days a week, and is an avid user of supplements and powders, topped off with injections of Human Growth Hormone. Sounds like the Breakfast of Reality Show Champions, doesn’t it?

What’s most interesting about Lauren are her comments at the end of the program; she mentions the general public’s negative attitude towards her and how it makes her feel. However, she claims to love her appearance and has no plans to stop her workout regiment.

Why then, is she on a program called My Strange Addiction?

I’ll tell you why. In our culture television is the promised land; if you dwell there people will love you and your existence will be validated. At least that’s what Kate Gosselin keeps telling herself.

Personally, I’d rather be loved by a few – my friends and family – than by the untold masses I’ll never know.

But then again, what do I know? I’m not on tv.

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More “Terrible” Lindsay Lohan News.

Here’s an update on Good ‘Ol Lindasy Lohan,

In the “any news is good as long as they spell your name right” category, Lindsay “Let me out!” Lohan has announced plans to expand her 6126 fashion brand by designing shoes. Or rather, her people made the announcement since everyone’s favorite train wreck is still in rehab until a judge decides to honor her scheduled release date of Jan. 3.

According to Lohan’s reps, “(The shoes are) classic, glamorous, timeless with a sexy flair… She’ll finalize everything when she’s out (of rehab).”

You’d think they would downplay the fact their boss is drying out in a facility, but what do I know about the fashion biz?

IN OTHER LINDSAY “I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!” LOHAN NEWS

Image by bostongman via Flickr

Screenwriter Charles Casillo has drawn attention to his latest project before it’s even finished by basing it on Lohan’s troubled life.

Here’s the official description of the sure-to-be-a-hit flick, “Dogs in Pocketbooks” follows a “bratty movie goddess in and out of rehab, in trouble with the law, and hounded by greedy agents, predatory paparazzi, off-the-wall stalkers and crazed media.”

For some reason the title refers to the trend Paris Hilton started, but Casillo insists that the film is “in no way mean-spirited toward Lindsay,” adding, “It’s the kind of thing she has spoofed about herself in the past.”

Dina “Mother of the Century” Lohan has threatened to sue Casillo, claiming she has her daughter’s best interests at heart.

Since when?

At any rate, the threat appeared to work, “Dogs in Pocketbooks is not about Lindsay Lohan,” Casillo said in a posting to his twitter page on Tuesday. “It’s about a movie star with a crazy, tabloid showbiz life. Of  course ,there will be comparisons…”

God bless the American people and their need to sue everyone.

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2011 is NOT going to be a Terrible year for Lindsay Lohan! (Hey, you never know.)

 

I was recently accused of trying too hard to dig up dirt on celebrities, but let’s face it, they make it sooo easy I’d be a fool not to point out just how ridiculous they are.

Case in point, the little girl who had the world laid at her feet, only to kick it aside to go party. Let’s take a brief look at just how messed up this little girl has been.

July 2, 1986 - Lindsay Dee Lohan is born in New York City to Michael (jail-bird) Lohan and Dina (I’m a good mom!) Lohan. This was Lindsay’s first mistake, though not the last time she would spend an extended period between a woman’s legs.

Early 2005 – Rumors circulate that Lindsay has an eating disorder or is abusing drugs after pictures surface of severe weight loss.

May 2005 – Lindsay’s father Michael Lohan, pleads guilty to aggravated unlicensed driving and attempted assault and is given 1&1/2 – 4 years in prison. Parenting at it’s best.

October 4, 2005 – Lindsay is involved in a car accident in West Hollywood.

July 25, 2006 – Filming of Georgia Rule delayed after Lohan’s third hospital visit in 2006. Treated for overheating and dehydration. CEO of the film’s production company, writes: “You and your representatives have told us that your various late arrivals and absences from the set have been the result of illness; today we were told it was ‘heat exhaustion’. We are well aware that your ongoing all night heavy partying is the real reason for your so-called ‘exhaustion’.” It’s important to note that movie houses almost never publicly turn on their stars.

January 17, 2007 – Lindsay checks into rehab. Releases statement: “I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health,” she said.

May 26, 2007 – Lohan loses control of her Mercedes-Benz convertible, and crashes into the curb. Police find a “usable” amount of cocaine within the car. Lohan arrested for DUI

May 29, 2007 – Lindsay begins her second rehab stint in five months, entering the Promises rehabilitation facility in Malibu, the same facility Britney Spears checked out of in March (worked wonders for her!). Lohan stays 45 days.

August 2007 – Lohan’s parents finalize their divorce . Third rehab stint for Lindsay. Enters the exclusive Cirque Lodge Treatment Centre. Checks out in October.

August 23, 2007 – Agrees to a deal on both DUI charges, reckless driving and two counts of being under the influence of cocaine. Sentenced to jail, community service, drug rehab and an 18-month alcohol education program as part of her three-year probation.

November 15, 2007 – Spends 84 minutes in jail. You have to love celebrity justice, right?

September 24, 2008 – After the usual celebrity routine of denial despite the obvious signs, Lindsay confirms she’s in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson. Say what you want, but at least the girl had the guts to come out. Are you listening Jodie Foster?

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October 2008 – Civil lawsuit filed against Lindsay by three people who were in the car during July 24, 2007, DUI arrest.

April 7, 2009 – Confirms she’s broken up with Ronson.

March 13, 2009 – Arrest warrant issued for Lohan regarding parole violations and failure to attend counselling.

September 9, 2009 – Lohan named artistic advisor at fashion house Ungaro. Ungaro runway show overwhelmingly panned. Lohan splits with the fashion house in March.

April 2010 – Lohan misses two court appearances.

AT THIS POINT, YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK?”

April 30, 2010 – Questions raised about probation violation and the completion of AA classes.

May 2010 – Lindsay’s passport “stolen” which she says prohibits her from flying to drug testing commitments. Blames it on a stunt orchestrated by her estranged father.

May 24, 2010 – Lohan ordered to wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet and submit to random drug testing at least once a week to avoid jail. Bail posted.

June 7, 2010 – Lohan’s alcohol-monitoring bracelet goes off after MTV awards party. Bail doubled to US$200,000.

July 7, 2010 – Lindsay sentenced to 90 days jail for violating the probation terms of her 2007 drug and alcohol case by not attending enough alcohol education classes.

April 2010 – Lohan was cast as adult-film performer Linda Lovelace, star of Deep Throat, in the film Inferno. In November, while Lohan was in court mandated rehab, the offer was withdrawn with one producer saying it was impossible to insure her. How messed up are you if you’re not talented enough to portray a porn star?

Sept. 28, 2010 -  Lohan enters the Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho Mirage, Calif. and is ordered by a Beverly Hills judge to remain there until at least Jan. 3.

December 12, 2010 - Palm Desert police conduct a battery investigation involving allegations assault against a clinic worker. The employee, Dawn Holland, has since been fired from Betty Ford for talking to TMZ.

So in spite of all the movies, television appearances and music Lindsay Lohan has produced, this is the image most people think of when picturing her -

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Pretty exhausting list, isn’t it?

Of course, it’s entirely possible Lohan could actually turn her life around but she would probably have to abandon Hollywood entirely and spend the rest of her days as one of the “little people” living in quiet tabloid-free obscurity.

Anyone want to calculate the odds of that happening?

 

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Bret Michaels is Engaged? What’s Next?

Hot on the heels of the Shania Twain engagement another celebrity has taken the plunge. Although this announcement isn’t as mired in controversy as Shania’s, it is as noteworthy.

Bad boy rocker Bret Michael’s, ultimate bachelor and connoisseur of groupies everywhere, has popped the question to the mother of his two children, Kristi Gibson. This is a guy who devoted so much time to bedding his fans he invented his own sexual position, The Tour Bus Thrust.

Now that’s dedication to one’s lifestyle.

Bret, now 47, (how did the guy ever make it this far?) has had the proverbial wake-up call lately and this appears to be the result.  

The “Celebrity Apprentice” winner, who’s no doubt had a lot of last-minute negotiations with God has had a terrible year health-wise. The Poison singer will undergo surgery in January to repair a hole in his heart. The hole, there since birth, was discovered as he recovered from a massive brain hemorrhage on April 23, 10 days after an emergency appendectomy.

As his health has deteriorated his image has soared, and he now has a reality show “Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It.” Of course, the proposal took place on camera – that’s what reality tv is for after all exploiting one’s personal trials - and Gibson had this to say of their relationship, “I can’t believe that after 16 years, I’m still calling Bret my boyfriend.”

Is she serious? She knows this guy better than anyone and she’s surprised by the fact he’s been clinging to his old life like a fat kid does a pork chop?

I mean, Bret Michaels has laid more pipe than..a guy who has sex with pipes, and now he’s ready to be the devoted husband? My question is this – if the ultimate rocker bachelor has rolled over and surrendered to monogamy, what happens to the rest of his rocker ilk?

Will Katy Perry join the cast of Sesame Street? Will Lindsay Lohan start hosting a new series of ABC’s After School Specials?

The point is, celebrities and rockers in general, lead pretty messed-up lives, to say the least. You can rely on them to make your crappy life seem less.. crappy.

If they start leading healthy, productive, dare I even say it, inspirational  lives, the world may be thrown out of balance.

 And that, would be terrible.

 

 

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Shania Twain is STILL Terrible! (Mutt Lange still agrees.)

Like the fallout from a redneck thermonuclear bomb, the Shania Twain engagement announcement has drifted across the world’s media outlets, exciting some and disgusting others.

Love her or hate her, the gal can still draw attention.

Celebrity gossip guru Zack Taylor is reporting the country siren is pregnant with Frederic Thiebaud’s “twisted love” child. Wait until this kid arrives and reads about the events leading to his birth.

Assuming Shania is pregnant that is. There’s been no confirmation from the singer’s rep, but that’s the beauty of a rumor in the world of celebrity gossip – there doesn’t have to be a shred of truth.

One thing that is true – as far as we know – the new Oprah network has recruited Twain, among others including Bono maybe, to host a show.

 Apparently the singer will host Why Not? With Shania Twain, an hour-long series premiering on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. “The show will follow [Twain] as she begins her climb back to the top, a personal journey filled with risk, revelations and unexpected adventures,” says a statement from the network.

Typical network hyperbole mandated by douchebags in suits. It is interesting to note they said “her climb back to the top” for those who thought I was being cruel by calling Twain a washed-up country star.

Why Not? I can think of a hundred reasons why.

One has to consider the timing of all this – Twain and Thiebaud became engaged two months ago in Switzerland but waited for a trip to the states to show off the rock. Right before Twain’s tv premiere. Hmm…

At any rate, the network is supposed to debut Jan. 1 but  rumors of delays have surfaced. Ah, those rumors again. Whatever the case, I’m sure the world can wait a little while for Shania’s redneck invasion of television.

It looks like we’ll be seeing enough of Shania in the meantime.

ANOTHER CLASSY SHANIA PIC.

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LeAnn Rimes – A Little bit country, a Little bit xxx.

LeAnn Rimes poured herself into a sexy santa outfit when she performed with the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles on Sunday night (December 19). The Puritanical right immediately fell of their pulpits and hopped right back onto their soap boxes. And so the latest celebrity mini-scandal has erupted.

 Here’s the outfit in question.

But how did poor little LeAnn Rimes come  to this?

She was everyone’s favorite little country siren, rising to fame at the tender age of 13 and making rednecks everywhere shed a tear into their Coors. As she grew, so did her troubles, including legal battles against her own father, a former manager and even her own recording label.

But wait, it gets better.

After a single date in  2001 with backup dancer Dean Sheremet, she declared, “This is the guy I want to marry.” She did marry him in 2002, but things got dicey in 2009.

Rimes was filming some crappy (an official Hollywood genre, I swear!) tv movie for the Lifetime network when she began an affair with married  actor Eddie Cibrian. The resulting media storm attracted more attention than the movie would ever have got otherwise.

 Unfortunately, it still sucked.

Cibrian’s wife and mother of his two children launched an attack against the new couple in the media, adding to the stains on Rime’s virgin-white rep. She has carried on though, and now faces the challenge of redefining herself. Instead of following the straight and narrow path, she appears to be taking the trail burned by so many young starlets these days.

Yes, the classy Patsy Clinesque days appear to be behind her – take a look at her appearance on this season’s America’s Got Talent .

THAT’S HER, I SWEAR!

So now in the span of one week, we have Shania Twain getting engaged to her former best friend’s husband and LeAnn Rimes prancing (get it?) around as a sexy Santa. Sounds like a typical week in country music to me. Where did you think they got those depressing songs from anyway?

They live them.

IF THESE GUYS WEREN’T GAY, SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT OUT OF THERE!

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Shania Twain is Terrible! (Just ask Mutt Lange.)

Country superstar “I’m too famous for the land of my birth, so I’ll move to Switzerland” Shania Twain was recently spotted dining with her beau Frederic Thiebaud while slumming in North America, specifically, New York City. People that actually care about that sort of thing made note of Twain’s obscenely priced and ridiculously huge diamond engagement ring.

For a brief moment in time, the world ground to a halt.

At least that’s what some people would have you believe.

The New Guy.

Personally, the only point of interest to the Hook is this – Thiebaud is the ex-husband of Shania’s very former best friend Marie-Anne Thiebaud, the woman Twain claims ran off with her husband of 14 years, rock super-producer Mutt Lange.

First, she changes her given name, Eileen, to Shania, an Ojibwa word which means “on my way”. Then she marries a guy named Mutt. She divorces him and gets engaged to a guy named Frederic. By the way, her kid’s name is Eja D’Angelo (pronounced “Asia”). Twain’s an odd duck isn’t she?

For the record, The Hook never trusted Shania Twain. Consider this, for years she struggled to produce a viable music career only to have moderate success. Then Mutt Lange, one of rock’s top producers of all time, hears her recordings and decides to reach out to her.

Now, her agent at the time claims to never have heard of Lange, but I’m sure Shania did, because within weeks of telephone conversations and meetings she claims to have fallen for him.

So let me get this straight, you’re Shania Twain, an unknown struggling singer who also happens to be a knockout, you meet an ultra-powerful rock producer and suddenly fall in love. He takes you to the top of the charts and gives you the life you always dreamed of.

It sure was lucky she fell in love with him immediately, wasn’t it?

THE OLD GUY. OH YEAH, SHE MARRIED FOR LOVE.

By the way, singer Steve Earle once called Twain the “highest paid lap dancer in the world”. I just always loved that coment.

Fourteen years later Twain accused Lange of cheating on her with her best friend, even though Lange and Marie-Anne Thiebaud denied the affair. Nonetheless, Twain spoke publicly of the intense double betrayal and gained a lot of public sympathy, which never hurt anyone’s cd sales.

Then what does she do? She steals her former best friend’s husband.

I guess payback’s not a bitch, but a washed-up country star.  

I GUESS IT’S TRUE THAT COUNTRY STARS ARE CLASSIER THAN THEIR ROCK ‘N ROLL COUNTERPARTS.

 

 

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Disney’s Teen Idols are Terrible!

Vanessa Hudgens sent nude pictures of herself into cyberspace.

Demi Lovato’s been beating up backup singers and cutting herself.

Miley Cyrus has been hitting the bong. Granted, the substance in question was Salvia, or Salvia divinorum, a hallucinogrenic plant that users say offers a high similar to that of LSD and marijuana, but the public perception stays the same.

It’s not 90210 or Gossip Girl - it’s life at the Disney teen idol camp. The Disney Publicity Wheel has spun out of control. Again. 

Celebrities fall prey to the same demons as “normal people”, but there’s one glaring difference, especially with a monster corporation like The House of Mouse - kids worship these people!

Disney has had plenty of experience with this sort of thing in the past (the Vanessa Hudgens incident was few years ago, but it’s interesting to note the young star hasn’t really done all that much since.) and so they seem prepared to avoid addressing the problem in the hopes it will go away.

YOU’RE BREAKING BILLY RAY’S ACHY BREAKY HEART, MILEY!

These scandals have a much longer shelf life in the in the age of TMZ. Nobody’s perfect, but Disney has a responsibility to the millions of kids who throw cash at them by the truckload. Somebody has to sit these young stars down an read them the riot act.

Here’s what The Hook would say.

“You’re young and rich and the world has been laid out at your feet. Now remember it can all go away in a heartbeat unless you actually do something with your fame instead of smoking and drinking it away! Would you rather work at Wal-mart for minimum wage?”

 

WHAT WOULD UNCLE WALT SAY?

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DON’T GO LARRY! THE SUITS AREN’T ALWAYS RIGHT!

You know that awkward feeling that rises up when you have to bite your tongue and play nice in a social situation? That was the atmosphere that hung over last night’s final broadcast of Larry King Live on CNN.

It was the end of the line last night for Larry, yet another casualty of douchebags in suits who think they know what the American public wants.

What the American public wants is for the douchebags in suits to go away, but I digress.

Donald Trump, God bless him, was the only one with the guts to say “Why are we here at all? Why is Larry leaving, he looks great!” Of course, the rest of Trump’s panel looked away and let the question drop. Cowards, all.

The hour had its highs and lows; Katie Couric read some ridiculous poem that went on. And on. And on. Regis sang a verse of some old song and threw it over to Larry, who went blank, completely unaware of the next verse. Hilarious.

Bill Clinton appeared via satellite and while the delay proved irritating, he proved once again why people love him and if given the chance, would re-elect him in a heartbeat. King mentioned that he and the former president are members of the “zipper club”, only to be forced to explain the term a few minutes later when the douchebags in suits began sweating.

Granted, King is getting a more than a little long in the tooth and it is more than evident at times. But hey, as Bill Maher noted last night, King is a minimalist when it comes to interviewing and his fans and guests greatly benefit as a result. Larry knows people don’t want to hear the host ramble on, they want the scoop from the horse’s mouth.

And for 25 years that’s what they got.

LET ME FINISH LARRY! I SWEAR PEOPLE LOVE MY POETRY!

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Stick a Fork in Two and a Half Men – It’s Almost Done.

From the moment the cameras started rolling on the pilot, CBS’ Two and a Half Men has mined Charlie Sheen‘s bad boy past and struck comedy gold. If it doesn’t go down in television history as one of the greatest sitcoms ever, it has to remembered as one of the boldest.

I honestly don’t know how they got away with some of the one-liners they’ve fired at censors, but obviously even the show’s most hardened critics have seen the charm the Men display when they’re at their best.

It may be time to stop swinging the pick axes at this comedy goldmine, though. the December 13 episode, “Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy’s Dead” (I know, but I swear it relates to the episode), failed to ignite the laughs the show has become almost legendary for.

Not only did they start out with Jenny McCarthy in lingerie, the ep featured Courtney Thorne-Smith and Jane Lynch, who has risen to comedy fame with Fox’s Glee. I thought for sure the audience was going to go nuts when Lynch returned as Charlie’s psychiatrist, but there wasn’t even canned laughter.

So let me get this straight, I'm on Glee and your audience still isn't excited. Your problems go pretty deep, Charlie!

While they didn’t have the entire regular cast (Where’s Rose when you really need her?) there were plenty of talented guest stars to draw from and knock one out of the park. Instead, we were treated to yet another week of a drunken Charlie Harper stumbling about, moaning about being alone. Granted, some of the show’s biggest laughs have come from this subject, but Sheen looks like he isn’t acting anymore.

I honestly expected him to take a page from As Good as it Gets pull a Jack Nicholson while in the shrink’s office and scream, “Please help me stop being this way!”

But he didn’t, and the show actually suffered for it. The contrast between Charlie and Alan’s personalities – the ultimate bachelor and the devoted family man without the family – was a strong premise that people identified with, in the beginning. Now, not only are people are too preoccupied with Sheen’s public meltdowns to see anything else when they watch Two and a Half Men, the writers appear to be distracted by it too.

Sheen’s new contract guarantees him one more season. Problem is, there’s no guarantee it’ll be a funny one.

WHEN EVEN CHARLIE SHEEN LOOKS BORED WHILE IN BED WITH JENNY McCARTHY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING’S WRONG.

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