2011 Grammy Awards – Stop the Madness!

Okay, I’ll admit, The Hook used to love award shows; they were a great way to see all your favorite performers in one place.

But times have changed.

While watching a rerun of Two and  a Half Men (still better than most first-run shows) Monday night, I was disgusted to see an ad for the  Grammy Nominations Concert Live!!  Countdown to Music’s Biggest Night.

SERIOUSLY?

Seriously, that was the actual title – two exclamation marks and all.

So, let me get this straight. Now we have an awards show to celebrate the nominations for an awards show?

And make no mistake people, this is an awards show. You can call it a concert, but celebrities will show up to be photographed by the media and their brain-damaged cousins, the paparazzi, and CBS will be broadcasting it.

They even got that little twerp Justin Bieber to perform alongside LL Cool J (remember when he was black?) and Katy Perry (she’s too hot to say anything bad about, sorry). Living legend Stevie Wonder will also be there to lend credibility to this unmitigated disaster.

We can send thousands of troops to the Middle East, but we can't spare one sniper?

Unless I’m mistaken, they will have celebrities make corny jokes and announce nominees for various categories (109!) at the actual Grammy Awards on Feb 13.

And of course, there will also be recording artists (they used to be called musicians, when they actually played an instrument that is) lip-synching their latest hits. You know, the ones radio stations play over and over and over!

Time for a point, folks. As the ratings clearly show, award shows have lost thier appeal with the general public. The Teen Choice Awards and Spike Tv’s Scream Awards are exceptions, but most people feel 3+ hours to devote to celebrities patting themselves on the back is just too much.

Never mind broadcasting thew show before the show. Fix what’s wrong with the Grammys, Oscars, Emmys, etc. first.

And hey, somebody do something about this Bieber kid, will ya?

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Leslie Nielsen -The Greatest “Terrible” Actor Ever!

Sometimes in life it’s necessary to steer yourself in a different direction; the results can be more rewarding than you can imagine. That was the unofficial motto of one of my idols. He left this world surrounded by his wife and closest friends, who no doubt smiled through their tears when they remembered all the laughter he inspired.

Now, here was a vampire I could relate to.

At his own expense, no doubt.

Most of his humor came from stumbling through situations, completely oblivious to the confused looks of the characters around him. Unlike us, they were unaware of the genius in their midst.

Rising from an abusive childhood, he became a strong powerful man who Hollywood cast as the serious, dramatic hero.

Comedy was his destiny, though. He could portray a “terrible” cop (the iconic Lt. Frank Drebin) or a “terrible” Prince of Darkness (forget Edward, Nielsen’s Dracula was the best).

Either way, he was golden. The audience stuck with him through it all – you just couldn’t take your eyes off the screen when he was in control.

The media, especially his critics, will soon be out in full force, dissecting his transition from drama to comedy. It always seems that the media praises older actors after they’re gone, while largely ignoring their value  in life.

The fans, however, never forgot Mr. Leslie Nielsen.

And we never will.

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Celebrity Meltdowns are Glorious!

As mammals living in the western hemisphere we’re fascinated by that which repulses us. Consider our fascination with celebrities; we all have our favorites and we treat them as modern-day demigods, but if they stumble we’re all over them like a fat kid on a pork chop.

Charlie Sheen is both beloved and loathed at the same time, the perfect example of the power of celebrity. Millions love the guy to death on Two and a Half Men, but they turn up the volume when CNN runs a special on his latest meltdown.

Yeah, this is the photo I chose. Can you blame me?

In Sheen’s case, falling over drunk in public appears to reinforce the strength of his following, reaffirming CBS’s faith in their golden goose.

Not every celebrity is so bulletproof though…

Lindsay Lohan blazed a trail familiar to child star watchers – parties, booze, and misdemeanours. Where she carved out new territory was in the field of unhinged parents who themselves were getting arrested, not to mention a well-publicized bout of lesbianism. (Incidentally, that was the only time The Hook actually cared for Lohan, but I digress.)

In the latest pathetic twist, the director of  a biopic of adult film actress Linda Lovelace announced this week he was dropping Lohan as the lead due to her other “commitments” – namely rehab. Again. Surprisingly, the buzz from the film was actually adding a positive vibe to Lindsay’s rep.

What does it say about your standing as an actress Lindsay, when you’re deemed unfit to portray a porn star?

At any rate, my point is this – celebrity meltdowns are therapy for the average person.

Think about it, you get up – fight traffic to get to a job that feels crummy on a good day – eat some lousy, overpriced food for lunch – fight traffic to get home – then realize you haven’t made enough money to pay your bills. And let’s not even get into our personal lives.  

But you turn on TMZ and see these overpaid, drug addicted morons literally crash their way through life and you realize, “Hey, my life may suck, but it doesn’t suck that bad!”

And so, celebrity meltdowns are terrible, but in a good way – think of them as God‘s way of reminding us fame is like a day at the beach.

Right before the tsunami hits.

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Wild about Harry?..a Deathly Hallows Review.

And now for something completely different…

THE HOOK’S FIRST “TERRIBLE” MOVIE REVIEW

After six films even the most amateur Harry Potter fan knows that You-know-who is supremely evil - THE BIG BAD of them all. Why then, was it necessary to open Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 with Voldemort torturing a Hogwarts instructor in front of his cronies?

 

While most of the Potter audience has grown with the franchise, there are new, younger kids joining in everyday, most of whom were visibly squeamish during the screening I attended. Nonetheless, once things start rolling courtesy of an aerial chase scene, the movie hits its stride.

Then the Second Act arrives and Harry and his two friends are on their own. A world filled with wizards, grown wizards, and the only ones capable of rising up against magical tyranny are three kids? But that’s not the real problem with Act 2.

It goes on - Harry brooding in a forest.

And on – Harry brooding in the mountains.

And on - Harry brooding in a forest – again.

You get the point.In between brooding, our heroes are on a search-and-destroy mission involving horcruxes, an Elder Wand and various mystical artifacts.  Most of the actual searching isn’t shown though, just the brooding.

Finally, magically, if you will, we get to the Third Act and a true delight for movie fans of all ages – Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange, Voldemort‘s #1 girl and all-around wackadoodle. She, along with 99% of the all-star cast but is under-utilized but nevertheless electrifies her every scene.

After the tragic death of a Disney-like magical character, our hero Harry briefly (Thank God!) broods once more and silently vows revenge. Lord Voldemort shows up once more (Ralph Fiennes is absent for most of the flick, another misstep) and the stage is set for the (supposedly, we’ll see) final battle.

This chapter is filled with beautiful sweeping shots of  the desolate English countryside our heroes take refuge in and the score is top-notch, but the film’s editor should be fed to Lord Voldemort’s giant snake!

THE BEST PART IS, THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO GIVER HER A SCRIPT OR SEND HER TO MAKE-UP, SHE JUST ACTED NATURAL.

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Jessica Alba’s No-nudity Clause!

 Like any true fanboy, The Hook has high standards when it comes to comic-related movies. The power of the all-mighty dollar has convinced studios to listen to the built-in fan base these films come with. There have been a few missteps though…

  Jessica Alba’s appearance in 20o5′s Sin City warrants her inclusion into the Book of Terrible. For the uninitiated, Sin City is based on a series of comics focussing on the most crime-ridden city in America, Basin City. The worst of the worst gather there to lie, cheat, steal; you get the picture.

Beautiful, yes, but strippers are supposed to STRIP!

Now, when the dregs of society hit a strip club, they expect to see the dirtiest dancers that ever dragged themselves onto a stage, right? Someone should have told that to co-director and comic writer Frank Miller, who along with Robert Rodriguez, let Jessica Alba appear as a fully clothed stripper.

A stripper in a place known as Sin City and she covers everything!  

Reportedly, the original costume consisted of a gun holster and a length of rope. That’s it. 

 But no, rather than look to the millions of actresses out there who would literally kill for a shot at the role, they caved to Ms. Alba, whose character wasn’t even the star!

Jessica recently appeared in the Rodriguezdirected Machete and pulled yet another fast one on fanboys everywhere by using CGI to appear naked. This is not the bigger sin though, as technically the character was naked in the film.

In the case of Sin City however, it made no sense to have a clothed stripper go unchallenged by the scum of the earth characters.

Until next time, remember, life is terrible, but that’s half the fun. 

 

  If you can appear naked Jessica, then why not just go naked?

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French Canadians. Page 1 of The Book of Terrible.

Welcome to The Book of Terrible, an ongoing tome of mankind’s blunders and a record of things that generally just..suck.

Let’s begin shall we?

FRENCH CANADIANS

They have taken the act of being rude to your fellow-man to a whole new level; I mean, it’s a martial art to these guys. I can’t explain it, but for some reason nothing seems to sting more than the verbal bite of a French Canadian; must be their mangling of the true French language.

Bad for your heart.

That’s right, even the real French hate these guys. They’re considered the retarded cousins no one wants to acknowledge or speak of at parties.

Not only that, but their cultural contributions consist of poutine and Celine Dion (the subject of a whole other post all her own).

Bad for your soul!

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