While Hollywood is rubbing itself down with Antiphlogistine after kissing its own ass last night at the Academy Awards, I think it’s time to indulge in a little celeb bashing, don’t you?
1) Ellen’s verbal missteps. You host a syndicated talk show, woman! I’m sure you’ve met and introduced Jason Sudeikis before!
2) Ellen’s bashing of Liza Minnelli. Granted, the poor lady doesn’t look too healthy these days, but she’s still worshipped by millions so back off, E!
3) John Travolta. He had one job: To introduce Idina Menzel, who sang Let It Go from Frozen, but he wound up flubbing her name. Or “butchering it,” as many noted on Twitter, distorting it into something that sounded like Adele Nazim. I love Travolta, but what the hell, man? Who was your tutor, Ellen?
4) Any mention of Jonah Hill’s penis, prosthetic or otherwise.
5) Cate Blanchett. The coolest Elvish leader of all, accepted her award for Best Actress from Daniel Day-Lewis with these words: “Thank you, Mr. Day-Lewis, from you it exacerbates this honor and blows it right out of the ballpark.” Exacerbate actually means “to make worse”, Cate. No to worry though, you only f’ed up in front of a couple hundred million viewers.
6) Ellen’s refusal to grow a pair and actually bash a few stars. Come on, E! Were you afraid The Powers That Be would yank you backstage and beat your ass, as was no doubt the case with Seth MacFarlane last year? Jumping into the crowd and asking Matthew McConaughey to do your job for you was a ridiculously bad idea, young lady. You’re better than this.
7) Zac Efron. Who let that punk in the building? Doesn’t Disney tag these kids and secure a small incendiary device on their ankles? Where were the guys with tasers?
8) Bill Murray’s financial situation. I can only assume my idol, Bill, simply doesn’t have the cash for a calendar. Or a watch with a calendar. Confused? So was Bill.
“The 2013 Oscar for the Best Cinematography in a major motion picture is gonna go home with…”
9) Jennifer Lawrence. Trip at the Academy Awards once, you’re an adorable klutz. (And hot. Don’t forget hot.) Trip at the Academy Awards twice… and you’re in need of physical therapy? How the hell did this chick vanquish all those tributes?
10) The spiked booze. What’s that? They weren’t serving alcohol laced with mind-altering drugs last night pre-broadcast? Then what the hell happened?