Top Ten Things Overheard at a Retirement Home During an Earthquake.

A large, long earthquake centered in western Quebec was felt across southern Ontario on Friday morning. The initial magnitude 5.2 quake occurred 18 kilometres northeast of Shawville, Que. at 9:43 a.m.

Those are the facts as I know them.

Now on with the show!

1)  ”I think my heart just started beating again!”

2)  ”My plastic hip just warped!”

3)  ”At last! Death has finally come to give me the sweet release!” 

4)  ”Does this mean Judge Judy won’t be on today?”

5)  ”Great, another excuse for my kids not to visit!”

6)  ”Tell those kids next door to turn down their damn rock music!”

7)  ”Did someone run into the day room with their kid’s car?”

8)  ”Who had extra fiber this morning?”

9)  ”My back!”

10)  ”Is this today’s activity?”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From The Person Standing Next To You While Checking-in At A Hotel.

1)  ”I got to see the inside of a jail cell last time I was here!”

2)  ”Can I borrow your credit card?”

3)  ”Want to switch spouses?”

4)  ”I hear this place has been cockroach-free for almost two weeks now!”

5)  ”Slip the front desk agent a twenty and they’ll actually use soap and water to clean the glasses!”

6)  ”I heard they now have televisions that get three stations!”

7)  ”I’ve been off my meds for four hours now with barely any incidents! That’s a personal best!

8)  ”Sorry.”  (“What for?” you ask.  A moment later… you know!)

9)  ”I think The Hook works here!”

10)  ”HEY THERE!  MY NAME’S GARY.  GARY BUSEY!”

Top Ten Things Dogs Are Thinking At This Moment.

1)  ”I need an agent. The world needs a new Benji!”

2)  ”I wish someone would raise the toilet seat, I’m thirsty.”

3)  ”Damn cats.”

4)  ”I wonder how much Obama’s dog pulls in?”

5)  ”Tomorrow’s the day I finally get that squirrel!”

6)  ”Wish I could see in color; Tom Cruise is bland enough in black and white!”

7)  ”Why does the female keeps getting my name wrong? It should be ‘Oh Dog! Oh, Dog!”

8)  ”Whose slippers should I chew up next?”

9)  ”Hey, they’re doing it me style!”

10)  ”Well, it’s noon. Time to lick my genitals.”

Ten Terrible Mother’s Day Gifts.

1)  Crotchless panties.  (You just threw up in your mouth, didn’t you?)

2)  The Kama Sutra.

3)  A coupon that reads “Good For One Full Body Massage From Me.”

4)  A copy of “Don’t Blame Me: A Guide To Motherhood.” by Dina Lohan.

5)  A used vacuum.

6)  Your laundry.

7)  A t-shirt that reads “Moms Love It In The Kitchen!”

8)  A male escort.  (To be fair, Mom will most likely love this gift, but dad’s gonna be pissed!)

9)  A lifetime membership in the “Sex Toy of the Month” club.

10)  Tickets for a one-on-one meet ‘n greet with Chris Brown.

Lauryn Hill is Just The Tip Of The Iceberg…

Singer Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in prison for failing to pay taxes on about $1 million in earnings.

Bad, Lauryn!

This situation, and Hill’s hubris (you can’t hide from the Tax man, girl!), got me thinking.

Don’t worry, it only hurt a little.

Here are some charges I feel should be leveled against other celebrities for their many crimes against the United States and humanity in general.

1)  Lindsay Lohan:  Domestic terrorism. Let’s face it, she’s hit just about every moving vehicle in the US by now; there has to be a hidden agenda here. No one is that foolish or reckless, right?

2)  Charlie Sheen:  How much time do you have?

3)  Carly Rae Jepsen:  Noise pollution. That damn song makes my ears bleed.

4)  Justin Bieber:  Primate smuggling and impersonating a teenage lesbian.

5)  Reese Witherspoon:  Polluting the internet with stories of the most dumbass arrest ever! And yes, Reese, I know your name.

6)  The entire Kardashian clan:  Crimes against humanity too numerous to mention, ‘natch.

7)  Chris Brown:  Being a disgrace to everyone with a penis.

8)  Rihanna:  Aiding and abetting Chris Brown. I swear, smoking hot looks are wasted on the beautiful. Rihanna has proven herself to be a danger to herself and others and must be stopped.

9)  Gary Busey:  Simply put, he’s going to hurt himself. Period.

10)  Tom Cruise:  His ego has been violating United States airspace restrictions for decades and is threatening to disrupt weather patterns and may even plunge the planet into another ice age. I love your work, Tom, but come on!

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Theater.

Iron Man 3 opens this weekend. The cineplexes will be overrun.

Enough said?

1)  “Oh, now I remember this one! Everybody dies at the end!”

2)  “Crack open that container of pickled eggs!”

3)  “Don’t look now, but my spouse just walked in. You don’t mind ducking down, do you?”

4)  “I heard they tripled the number of previews.”

5)  “I really shouldn’t have had those five burritos for dinner.”

6)  “I heard Pauly Shore is brilliant in this.”

7)  “Pass that bottle of Jägermeister over here!”

8)  “I have to go to the bathroom. Hold my camcorder, will you?”

9)  “”I have to take this call.”

10)  “My zipper’s stuck!”

Ten Rejected Subtitles For Iron Man 3.

1)  “Another Movie With A Black Sidekick!”

2)  “Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Sing – We Promise!”

3)  “More Explosions Than A Michael Bay Home Movie!”

4)  “Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Iron Commando!”

5)  “Robert Downey Jr. Unleashes His ‘Little Iron Man’!”

6)  “Gwyneth vs. Reese: To The Death!”

7)  “The Armored Avenger Faces His Greatest Foes: The Clan Kardashian.”

8)  “Soundtrack By Weird Al Yankovik.”

9)  “Chris Brown Gets A Repulsor Blast To The Face, We Swear!”

10)  “Iron Man Gets A New Sidekick: Lindsay Lohan! You Will Believe A Train Wreck Can Fly!”